Nightmarch 22 January 2004

[PattayaPete 530]

Time, gentlemen, please: According to a report in the Bangkok Post (14 January), it looks as though Fearless Leader has handed Deputy Prime Minister Purely Puritanical and Deputy Interior Minister Preacher Malcontent the poisoned chalice and told them to work out the necessary legislation to reduce closing times for entertainment venues.

 

Preacher Malcontent’s initial proposal, that venues only be allowed to open at 6PM and be closed by Midnight apparently drew opposition from within the ruling clique. So now, it’s back to the drawing board with new proposals to be set in place by 1 March. However, it was the Transport Minister Suriya who hit the nail on the head as far as I’m concerned. He was quoted as saying the real problem was that the law banning underage people from entertainment joints was not being strictly enforced by the plod. He said if the laws had been enforced effectively, then there would be no need to adjust operating hours.

 

Old Habits Die Hard: The Tahitian Queen ogling den (Beach Road) holds the Pattaya record for being the longest-running chrome pole palace in Fun Town. Established in 1978 (the year the Village People had a hit song with ‘In the Navy’ and ‘Hotel California’ won best record at the Grammys), the TQ has become the accepted home base of the Hash House Harriers and the Jesters Motorcycle Club as well as most American ex-pats.

 

To me, it’s always been a better afternoon den than a place to spend an evening. I recently wandered in a few hours after sundown and noticed that only four dancing maidens were on stage at any one time and the only time anything risqué happens is at about 10:00PM when a small clutch remove their bikini tops for a couple of songs. Be still my throbbing heart. TQ has always been well known for its music, and that’s still good, you won’t hear any techno/house/trance in the joint. Outside of happy hour the booze runs to 105 baht for bottled amber and house liver wasters.

 

Make Sure You Bring a Sizeable Wad: Fun Town’s first fetish establishment, called The Cave, opened its rather imposing heavy door for business in late December. Situated on Third Road between the long-running Buffalo body fluid exchange boozer and the Darling dine and dash bar, The Cave specifically caters for those whose tastes in fashion run to whips, chains, PVC, latex, and leather.

 

The place was opened by the same French management who operate a similarly-named fetish joint in Bangkok. The gear, which also includes nurse and schoolgirl uniforms is being supplied by Pattaya’s premier fashion house Boutique Sexy (their showroom is in Naklua Soi 33). In order to get punters in the right sado-masochistic mood, the first drink in the place will set you back 900 baht. All drinks after that are just a trifling 200 baht. The management stress this is not a drinking bar; it is a place for like-minded people to come and indulge in their favourite fantasy. To really keep the screws turning, there is definitely no copulation on the premises, no matter how excited you might get over the sight of a couple of latex-clad damsels beating each other with an overripe cucumber.

 

If you want to engage in something un-natural like sexual intercourse then fork out the 1,500 baht bar fine and take your leather feather duster and your lady back to your place.  The Cave has a dress code of which the colour black is one of the necessary component parts. It opens at 5:30PM and closes at 2:00AM and at present has a staff of around 14 dominatrixes/submissives who have been trained by an Englishman. A lady drink is 250 baht, but the bar has a strict policy dissuading damsels from asking for a libation. The choice is completely up to the customer.

 

Before you lot start getting any ideas, and think I’ve joined the pour-hot-candle-wax-over-my-genitals brigade, all this information was supplied to me by the French manager who just happened to be standing outside when I rolled up. I can see this place becoming quite a favourite with retired British politicians, defrocked vicars and Michael Jackson. No animals were harmed in the writing of this piece.

 

Walking Street Fitness Park? The Hooty’s ogling den (Walking Street) still runs a happy hour of 35 baht for draught beer and house liver wasters between 8:00 and 9:00PM. The behind-the-window gym, school or whatever it was with two or three damsels doing very little has long gone; no doubt they’ve been forced into g-strings and told to practice the chrome pole shuffle.

They may well employ one of the fittest dancing maidens in Pattaya if an impromptu sideshow I caught recently is anything to go by. After completing her shuffling set, one bikini-clad maiden proceeded to churn out no less than 50 sit-ups on one of the bench seats. She looked to be from Issan and can no doubt boast an ironclad stomach both inside (from regular bowls of som tum) and outside.

 

A room with a pew: A pair of ogling dens, one foreign-owned and the other Thai-run, situated well away from the prime positions in Walking Street currently have their bar fine impost at 500 baht. Nothing unusual about that. However, this applies whether you desire to take the dancing maiden out of the establishment for a bit of a stroll in the fresh night air or simply care to indulge in a short lie down and cavity inspection in one of the upstairs rooms. If you do happen to choose the latter, the den imposes an extra 200 baht for the use of the upstairs facilities. In the foreign-run joint the damsels are asking for a low four-figure sum to accompany you; in the Thai place it’s a high three-figure amount.

 

Given that similar chrome pole palaces further south, although still away from Walking Street, are offering the same short services, but for only 300 baht all-in for the den and then the dancing maiden offers you her deal, it’s a wonder than anybody would be bothering to take up the abridged version in these other establishments.

 

All the Stars are out on Friday: The Shenanigans lounge lizard libation room and noshery (Second Road) has Pop’s Pattaya All Stars band playing on Friday nights from 10:00PM. In order to entice new and old customers through the door for an evening munch, the management has a special 100 baht meal on Tuesday’s between 6 and 9:00PM, while for those more interested in sinking copious amounts of booze it’s happy hour all day on a Monday where draught Heineken is just 65 baht for a half-pint.

 

Plugged In: Nothing like a free plug. The newly-revised, updated and, more important, expanded, version of my book Pattaya Unplugged has been released and, I’m more than pleased to say, early sales have been really good. Quite a number of the photographs of various signs around Pattaya now no longer exist, including the ‘Ear Picking by Specialist’ the Nang Nual parking sign, and the ‘Victoria Gust House’. Look for the bright red cover with the ‘Come Inside Me Please’ sign emblazoned on the front. It retails at 395 baht and can be found at Bookazine Royal Garden, DK Post Office, DK Central Road as well as a few other outlets and bars or via the internet at www.dcothai.com

 

Tales from the Crib: A young English visitor who hails from a place called Ham (I’m told it’s in Surrey) booked into a mid-range sleeping palace in central Pattaya and had his rather heavy suitcase lugged to his room by one of the chambermaids. After entering the room and depositing the bag, she turned to the man and began to reach between his legs in what, in most countries, would be deemed a fairly forward gesture for two people who’d only just become acquainted. Feeling himself aroused by these tender ministrations, he readily agreed to her offer of a little lip service. Some 500 baht later and with a load off his mind, he recounted the tale to his travelling companion who was occupying another room. “But she’s a katoey,” his friend stated matter-of-factly. It appears as though the chambermaid was in fact more the chamberlain, and in his tumescent state the Englishman had failed to notice she was more than a little Ham-fisted.