Nightmarch 8 January 2004

[PattayaPete 530]

Snatch and Grab: For pretty much all of the time I’ve been coming to, and then living in, Pattaya I have fervently sung its praises with regard to personal safety. Although I still believe Pattaya is a safe destination for tourists and a peaceful place to live, it is becoming increasingly clear that there has been a paradigm shift, and it’s for the worse.

 

According to a middle-ranking Thai police officer based in Soi 9, muggings are running at around 30 reports a day. He admitted they were catching only four or five offenders. Of course, the majority of offences are being committed by Thais against Thais and the vast bulk of tourists and ex-pats are never affected.

Pattaya, by comparison with most resorts around the world, is still a safe destination, but everyone should be more on their guard and try not to wander around looking like they’ve just made a 10-kilogram gold withdrawal from Fort Knox. Basically, if you’ve got it, don’t flaunt it unless you want someone to try and abscond with it.

 

Home in Bed, and Tucked in by Ten: In his New Year’s day address to the multitude, Fearless Leader ran the idea of further pegging back closing times for ogling dens, beer boozers, sierra tango bars, discos and the like to between midnight and 1:00AM. The sop was that he intimated these establishments could open earlier, at around 4:00PM.

 

In Fun Town, closing boozing establishments any earlier would simply mean that most of the late night boogie barns like Tony’s, Marine, X-Zyte, Hollywood and New Palladium would struggle to stay profitable, as these places don’t start to attract much of a crowd before the witching hour.

 

Of course, Fearless Leader has always subscribed to the truth in the nursery rhyme: ‘early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise’. He certainly qualifies on the ‘wealthy’ front anyway.

 

Who Bears, Wins: New Year’s Eve in Fun Town always reminds me of a war zone. There are more explosions than an Allied offensive on the Western Front in the First World War, the smell of sulphur hanging in the air and burning the nostrils.

 

Thinking Soi Diana might be a quieter place to watch the new year roll in, I stationed myself at the Aussie-run Goanna boozer. Like most boozers, the place was full and everybody was in party mode. A group of British soldiers were propping up one end of the boozer and, according to Big Bad John, the genial mine host, had invested 6,000 baht in fireworks. They also purchased a teddy bear from one of the itinerant carts and proceeded to give a practical demonstration of the power of clusters of small explosives. After searing the outside of the teddy bear, they later shoved a fistful of explosive combustibles up its clacker and reduced it to an oversized cotton ball. A little later, one of the Poms dressed up in female attire (for a 10-baht bet); should be another good year in Pattaya.

 

Now that’s a Bar Fine: The Christmas/New Year period saw the usual increases in bar fines for dancing maidens and serving wenches by ogling dens keen to dissuade over-eager punters from prising their star performers away from the delights of the chrome pole.

However, it seems as though the imposts went from the sublime to the almost ridiculous with reports that a few of Walking Street’s finest were asking 2,000 baht before the witching hour.

 

The logic of bar owners is understandable. If all your best, and even some of your worst, dancing damsels have been paid off to accompany tumescent punters on a night of boozing and carousing elsewhere, then that’s the end of your walk-in trade for the evening and you may as well shut up shop and go home.

 

I find it amazing that anyone, no matter how full of booze or wanton lust, would be desperate enough to outlay 2,000 baht for a bar fine and then the probable 2-3,000 baht that the dancing damsel would no doubt be asking as her remittance for servicing rendered.

While on the subject, it’s noticeable that many dancers in the classier ogling dens are now starting out asking for 2,000 baht and, in the cases of so-called ‘superstars’ up to and beyond 3,000 baht, for the pleasure of their company. The reason prices have now shot so high is there are men out there stupid enough to pay. Empirical evidence suggests that in many cases the girls are a disappointment in the horizontal folk dancing stakes and not worth anywhere near the fee they’re asking.

 

No Star’s Out Tonight: Pattaya’s smallest ogling den, the Dog Star, oops…I meant New Star (Soi Diamond) looks more like an afterthought than a truly determined attempt to create a cutting edge chrome pole palace. On the plus side, the bench seating is comfortable and there’s a huge screen TV against the back wall, a legacy of the days when the place was part of the adjoining beer boozer.

 

On the downside, although draught amber is 55 baht and lady drinks (in a proper glass) are 85 baht, lolly water retails at 85 baht and liver wasters 95. Most of the serving wenches have all the personality of prison warders and the 15-20 dancing maidens are either long term veterans or carrying a little extra around the girth, although reasonably friendly.

 

My Little Dark Ling: Out on Third Road the former Pretty Woman sierra tango boozer has undergone a refit and transmogrified into the Darling body fluid exchange bar. Nicely kitted out, the place has a slightly strange pricing policy considering it’s just a bra strap’s throw away from the long-running and ever-popular Buffalo boozer.

 

On the plus side the impost paid to the boozer to dabble with a darling of your choice is just 300 baht (compared with the Buffalo’s 400 baht, plus a lady drink before midnight), but their standard liquid refreshments are around 10 baht more pricey than their closest rival for the fondling baht. Lady drinks in Darling are 80 baht; in Buffalo they’re just 70. When they re-opened it appeared as though the majority of the working wenches were fresh from the paddy fields, the English language being a mysterious tongue to their ears.

 

More liquid means more fun: The Club Electric Blue ogling den (Walking Street) increased the price of lady drinks from 100 to 120 baht in mid-December. The justification was that the dancing maidens now have a wine glass filled with wine cooler instead of a glob of coke. Big Andy claims the dancers are now getting inebriated and customers are having more fun with them.

 

One thing I’m not keen on in Club Electric Blue is the Bangkok-style dance turns. The girls don’t move; OK, we know that’s a common problem in almost every ogling den. What I mean, is that they take up a position behind a chrome pole and don’t move from pole to pole in a progression as each song changes. In other words, if you walk in and happen to sit in front of Miss Fat Bottom, then she’s the only one you’re going to be eyeballing until the next bevy of dancers moves into position. Then you could be stuck with Miss Stick Insect. The Dollhouse ogling den (Walking Street) does the same, but because most of the dancers are on a revolving stage, punters get to see the majority of the girls as they swing past.

 

A New Inn: The former Watering Hole beer boozer (Soi Skaw Beach) was sold a few months ago, completely and tastefully renovated and re-named the New Inn. Hardly a stroke of cogent nomenclature, but the English owner explained that the first pub he frequented back in the Old Dart was named the New Inn and most people from the Land of Baths Full of Coal can relate to the name.

 

With five rooms for rent upstairs, a pool table and reasonably-priced libations, it’s set to do a comfortable trade once the new owners can establish a regular clientele. The one striking feature that sets this boozer apart from many others is the huge painting behind the bar. It’s worth wandering in for a quiet drink just to admire the canvas.