Monkeywatch - April 2019

[monkeyman 1,604]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap for another month, and welcome to more stories from post-Songkran Pattaya now locals have stopped throwing water at each other and gone back to putting it in the beer.

The Thai Meteorological Department predicted recently that April would be a wet month. Well given that the roads have just been under a foot of water it ain’t likely to be a fuckin’ drought is it? A wise man once said, “White man with brown cock has just come from Dongtan.” Not in this bloody weather he hasn’t.

Pedestrians have been warned to take care if they venture onto Pattaya North Road during the repaving work as it’s currently about as safe as walking through a minefield in Afghanistan. The warning unfortunately comes too late for the Chinese tourist who stumbled over a pile of bricks and plunged into an open sewer (no sniggering at the back there.)

Pattaya officials are currently working on plans for the redevelopment of Big Buddha Hill. A spokesman said that no decisions had yet been taken but strongly denied rumours that the Buddha was to be replaced by Ronald McDonald. He was last seen driving off to City Hall in his new Bentley.

This month’s Underwater Farting Contest at Central Festival produced some impressive performances…

Drainage improvements are continuing apace in Jomtien in an attempt to solve the continuing problems with flooding. They identified one problem as a dead Russian blocking a storm drain but manage to dissolve him with a few gallons of Mr Muscle (other brands of Russian dissolver are available.)

Tourist attractions in Pattaya are undergoing safety checks after a nasty incident in Chiang Mai when their Flight of the Gibbon turned into Plummet of the Canadian when a zip line broke and turned an unfortunate Canuck into a grease spot. As the old saying goes “If man was meant to fly, God would’ve given him Frequent Flyers Cards.

Just a quick reminder for first time visitors to Pattaya that The Dog’s Bollocks is a sports bar and not a Korean restaurant.

Staff at Pattaya’s shopping malls prepare themselves for the arrival of a new batch of quality tourists…

Bar news time, and the recently deceased Mandarin has re-emerged as Rich A Go Go. Hidden and Bypass are now hidden and bypassed, or to put it another way, they’re both closed. Scooters has now opened on Soi 14 though it’s still recognisable as the Secrets of old - but with scooters. The Lucky Carousel Bar in the centre of Soi Diamond, which seems to have been around forever, is sadly around no more. Another bit of Pattaya heritage lost forever – unless it reopens of course. One place that will be reopening is Office A Go Go, which closed recently following a change of ownership.

A Pakistani quality tourist turned up at Pattaya Police Station the other day to report that his girlfriend of two hours had done a bunk with 3000 baht of his hard-earned while he was taking a shower. Dismayed at the apparent disinterest of the boys in brown, he protested that he was a Pakistani citizen and his human rights had been infringed, at which point he was told that he was a stinking pig and he didn’t have any rights at all, human or otherwise. He was then told to bugger off or he’d be arrested for wasting police time. And all this for 3000 baht. Was he taking the piss or what?

Drift back through time now and revisit a couple of tales from Monkeywatch in April 2009…

“It’s been reported that monkeys have been catching buses to and from markets where they go to steal food. Very strange. Actually, it might be interesting to know whether they pay 5 or 10 baht on the bus. Then again, it might not.

A rubbish tip in Na-Jomtien has been invaded by vast numbers of birds that have decided to settle there so they can feed on the tasty titbits in the refuse. Interestingly, they seem to be ignoring the discarded boxes of McDonalds, Pizza Hut and KFC in favour of the abundant supply of worms on the site. All those birds can’t be wrong, so next time you fancy some fast food, get yourself a wormburger. You know it makes sense.”

There’s a new campaign under way to tidy up Pattaya, so if you find any dead Chinese tourists lying about, please throw them into one of these and fill it in. Thank you for your co-operation…

Officials in Nongprue have responded to complaints from local people about the floods in the area. They’ve said they don’t give a rat’s ass.

Thailand has once again been honoured with the title of “least miserable economy” in an international Misery Index that seems to have a glass completely empty philosophy. Interesting to note that only one western country featured in the top five. Miserable gits.

We can’t finish without mentioning that the election is over and we eagerly await the result next month so the country can enter a new era of peace, freedom and democracy.

Cue the tanks…

be seeing you

monkeyman