Funniest Jokes I've Ever Heard

[Evil Penevil 7,628]

I'll start with this golden oldie:

A man on a transcontinental flight from New York to San Francisco finds much to his delight that he is seated next to a very beautiful young woman.  As soon as he fastens his seatbelt, he asks her politely,"  Are you traveling for business or leisure?"

"Business," she answers with a bright smile. "I'm attending the National Convention of Sexologists."

"Wow! That's interesting," says the man.  "Are you a delegate to the convention?"

"No, I'm a lecturer," she responded. "I use my research to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really?", he said with a hint of surprise.   "What myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's indigenous Native American men who are most likely to possess that trait.
 
"Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.

"We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

The man thought things were looking very promising.  He would be sitting for at least six hours next to a beautiful young woman who appeared uninhibited .  That would be enough time to get to know her a bit and ask for a date.  He was pondering the right reply when the woman said:  "I hope I haven't spoken out of place. I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," he replied. "Tonto Papadopoulos and I'm from Dublin."

[Bushcraft 2,572]

This is one I first heard in Austria - clearly they have their own lavatorial humour for which I make no apologies.

A man boards the overnight express train, let's say from Edinburgh to London. Prior to boarding, he's had 3 pints of beer and a hot Indian curry. Sure enough, a few miles into the journey, he starts to feel uncomfortable, his bowels are churning and he realises that he needs to get to a toilet very quickly.
He rushes down the corridor in a panic, reaches the toilet and the door is locked - its engaged. Bugger.
Now with only seconds to spare before disaster, he thinks fast. It's dark outside, so he pulls down the nearest window, drops his trousers, sticks his bum out of the window and lets fly with a stream of diarrhoea. Blessed relief.
Unfortunately the train is just passing a small country station, where a porter is wheeling some baggage down the platform and receives the whole load all over him. The train disappears into the night and he's left there furious.
His brother is a police officer in the next town, so he immediately phones him.
"John, the Edinburgh to London has just gone through, and some asshole on it has thrown a load of shit all over me. What can I do?"

"Well, that's an assault, so if we're quick we can stop the train when it comes through here. Can you give me a description of the bloke?"

"It's nighttime and the train was moving fast, so I didn't get a good look at him, but I noticed he had a centre parting, a really long nose and heavily swollen tonsils."    

[Evil Penevil 7,628]

A man from (insert whatever country you like- or dislike) was living in the U.S. and married to an American woman.  The couple takes a trip back to his homeland so he can show her where he comes from, a tiny farming village deep in the countryside.  It doesn't take many minutes for him to show her everything.

They come to a large tree on the outskirts of the village and he says, "I had my first sexual experience under that tree."

"Wow," responds his wife. "It seems very open.  Didn't anyone see you?"

Yes," said the husband. "Her mother watched the whole time."

"Oh my god," answered the wife.  "What did she say?"

And the man answered:  "Baaaaah!"

Edited January 21, 2023 by Evil Penevil

[Bushcraft 2,572]

Two cavemen are sitting on a sandy beach, silently contemplating a fire they've built. Suddenly they notice a third caveman swimming out of the sea towards them. The man runs up onto the beach gesticulating wildly, very excited.
The newcomer comes up to them and says: "Hey you two, I've discovered something really exciting that will change your lives, it's called language! It means we can actually start communicating with each other. A fantastic breakthrough, I just had to let you know."

One of the two guys by the fire gets up, grabs his club and wordlessly bashes the newcomer over the head, stretching him senseless in the sand.
Then he shrugs, turns to his friend and says: "Je déteste les anglais!"