Monkeywatch - May 2024

[monkeyman 1,597]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to another month, and welcome to a sneaky peak at the latest high jinks in the City of Smut. Brace yourselves.

The Pattaya Waterworks Department has declared that there won’t be a water shortage in Pattaya this year. Those of us who’ve spent many an hour walking through Pattaya’s entertainment areas up to our waists in water probably won’t have too much difficulty believing this.

An instructor at a municipal fire station shot one of his recruits the other week after what was described as a “heated argument.” Unfortunately, the other recruits assumed that this was the thing to do so they followed the instructor’s lead and shot him as well. When asked if the man had survived, a spokesman said “Well he was shot in the head 11 times. What do you think?”

It seems that Thai scientists have discovered pollution from fossil fuels in Antarctica. They presumably had to go there because they couldn’t find any in Thailand. Perhaps they’ll find some prostitutes there as well.

Beach Road recently hosted a promotion called “Car Stereos for Show-offs…

A Turkish kebab restaurant on Second Road was burned to the ground the other day after an explosion ripped through the kitchen. It’s rumoured that the accident occurred after one of the cooks mistook a hand grenade for a pineapple. The owner seemed to be undeterred by this little mishap and now plans to open a new restaurant on Soi 16 (Mohammed Alley.)

A chappie from New Zealand was arrested last week after it was discovered that he’d overstayed his visa by six years. It seems that he’d avoided detection by only venturing out at night. He was subsequently charged with vampirism and issued with a deportation order. Just another day in paradise.

The squirrel arsonists that caused several electrical fires in Walking Street a few years back have been at it again, this time in Sriracha, where one of the little buggers set fire to an electric pole by climbing up it and causing a short circuit. The fire then spread to communication cables and very nearly to surrounding properties. A spokesman said “It’ll be a good thing when all these electric cables are relocated underground so the squirrels can’t get at them.” Won’t stop the moles from having a go though, will it?

A Thai artist put on a display last month entitled “Penises of The World” (the Japanese one is on the left.)

 

Bar news time, and Champagne Club looks like it’s finally going to reopen as a music venue called Tuk Tuk Club. Turning a Go Go into a music bar really is a piss poor show, which is very nearly what was on offer in Champagne about 15 years ago. Nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more.

It’s been reported in the press that a building in Bangkok collapsed while it was being demolished. Well that’s what’s supposed to happen, isn’t it?

Time for a bit of backpedalling now as we return to a trio of tales from the heady days of Monkeywatch in May 2014…

“Well, Songkran has come round again, and it brought forth some novel events, including a ‘Drink, Dive, Duck’ party at the A-One Royal Cruise Hotel. Unfortunately, the marketing executive who devised it was stopped by police on his way back home for driving erratically and ended up attending a “Drink, Drive, Fucked” party at Pattaya Police Station.

A number of people were arrested in the Siren Beer Bar Complex a couple of weeks ago after police caught them playing “Hi-Low” for money on a pool table. The police carried out the raid following a tip-off, but initially had difficulty finding these lawbreakers as they were hiding behind a group of prostitutes and drug dealers.

It’s been reported that there was a drop in the number of Japanese tourists visiting Pattaya during April. This may be due to them staying home for Japan’s Annual Penis Festival on the first Sunday of last month, though attendance was said to be low as no-one could find it.”

Bloody silly place to build a greenhouse…

 

Pattaya has seen a large increase in sales of school uniforms this year. Some have attributed this to an upturn in the economy and improved job prospects, while other have put it down to rumours that Classroom A Go Go is about to make a comeback.

The Mayor of Pattaya made an appearance the other day and gave a guarantee that all outstanding road works in the city would be completed by the end of the year. He then did a cartwheel, sang three choruses of “Roll Out The Barrel” and was sick in a bucket.

Finally, it’s been announced that there’s to be a new sign at the entrance to Walking Street after the current one was demolished by a team of electricians who were trying to repair it. Their first repair attempt seemed to have been successful until some busybody pointed out that the sign now read “GLITTER WANKS”, and it was during their attempts to put that right that the terminal damage took place. What’s left of the sign is being put back in place until a new design is approved and a Japanese tourist has been arrested for stealing the missing letter ‘E’. So why don’t they just go back to the old sign that served the city well for so many years? It was a bloody sight better than the current hideous monstrosity that we’ve had to endure for god knows how long. Well, as they say in Thailand, “If it ain’t broke, fix it till it is.”

be seeing you

monkeyman

[teelack 9,326]

Loved it even when I am pissed. Maybe that sentence is wrong but still a good read

Sent from my CPH2477 using Tapatalk

[monkeyman 1,597]

On 5/28/2024 at 9:26 PM, teelack said:

Loved it even when I am pissed. Maybe that sentence is wrong but still a good read

Sent from my CPH2477 using Tapatalk
 

Don't worry. I was pissed when I wrote it. Cheers.