Nightmarch 1 July 2004

[PattayaPete 530]

Cat Scratch Fever: If ever the word ‘quirky’ could be used when referring to a particular ogling den I think it would apply to the Kitten Club (Pattayaland Soi 2). An adjunct of the equally quirky Penthouse sleeping palace, the owners are not afraid to spend money in promoting their establishment. The den is laid out like the proverbial dog’s breakfast, the music is deplorable and they charge like wounded buffaloes for lady drinks: an incredible 135 baht. That said, there are plenty of chrome pole molesters, most easy enough on the eye to keep the majority of punters interested. There are two pool tables, but only one is usable at most times and it’s certainly popular. I wandered in on a Monday night and the place was busy enough which suggests despite my own misgivings the management is doing something right.

 

A New Curriculum: Across the road from Kitten Club is the long-running Classroom ogling den. It changed hands some time ago but the status quo remained until recently when a new style of ‘uniform’ was introduced for the dancing damsels. The 'schoolgirl look’ has been retained although now the schoolgirls are decked out in black tight-fitting mini skirts and crop-top t-shirts instead of white shirts. It’s a ‘sexed up’ look I’m certain meets with the approval of most customers. Unfortunately, the owners seem to have caught the Pattayaland 2 malaise when it comes to gouging punters who purchase lady drinks with the impost now 130 baht.

 

The Tide’s In. One of only two ogling dens along Beach Road, the World Wide chrome pole palace is one of the early openers, kicking off at 2:00PM. The music is OK without being exceptional and, as with most off-Walking Street places, it has a mixed bag of dancing talent. It’s a big boozer and therefore hard to make look busy, but the seating is comfortable and the benches at the side are at a good height for looking at the dancers. Libations are reasonable with lolyy water, for example, at 60 baht and lady drinks 95 baht.

 

In the latest edition of the Pattaya Nightlife guide they advertise ‘60 sweet girls’; I think that’s a touch of hyperbole with the owner probably counting the day and night shift’s separately. Even so, there are plenty of girls and I’d be surprised if the average imbiber didn’t find someone for whom he could be persuaded to buy a herd of buffaloes. They do the occasional show and one of these has a plastic wading pool as its prop. To the strains of ‘Hotel California’ (no matter where you go on any given night this song will seek you out and hunt you down), a couple of lasses lather-up with soap and water and give each other a good scrubbing. Of course, it might just have been part of a flood training drill.

 

Here’s Looking Up Your Kilt: The Mandarin Club fluid exchange boozer (Soi 6), as those who have wandered in would know, is a two-floor operation with a glass dance floor on the second storey. Ever since the French-run establishment was opened plans were being laid to turn it into a pseudo ogling den. This is indeed what has happened in recent weeks, with a number of the ladies employed to fondle the one-eyed trouser-snake now shaking their groove things to the delight of patrons seated on both levels.

 

A Case of Blue Balls: While we happen to be down there- Soi 6 that is- I was told a story I feel should be repeated but no names used. A person- we’ll call him Ian- who hails from, let’s be on the safe side and say Wales, was wandering down Soi 6 with a few friends when they decide to drop into a dine and dash establishment for a light refreshment. One of Ian’s friends gave him a small sachet of Viagra cream, telling him if he applied the contents to his middle stump it would have a similar effect as the famous little blue pill. Ian toddles off to the

lavatory, drops his strides, opens the sachet and applies the gel to the recommended nether region. Unfortunately, it seems as though the contents left a blue dye on his hands as well as his magic wand. A little bit of quick thinking and a knowledge of history and I’m certain Ian could have claimed to be a descendant of the Celts, some of who used to smear their bodies in blue war paint when preparing for a rumble on the battlefield.

 

Instead Ian decided the blue balls and member, not to mention his hands, would be more likely to have potential female partners fleeing in terror, so he waddled across to the wash basin, raised himself up and plonked his tackle into the sink, turned on the tap and attempted to remove all traces of the dye. Another customer happened to wander into the lavatory while Ian was engaged in his unusual ablutions. Without batting an eye he wandered off to attend to the call of nature. Anywhere else in the world the local gendarmes would have been called post-haste to arrest a man exhibiting lewd behaviour in a semi-public lavatory. Here in Pattaya, it’s almost par for the course.

 

Where Have all the Punters Gone? Wandered into the Kittens chrome pole palace (Naklua Road) late on a wet Sunday night a couple of weeks ago to find a bar bereft of imbibers and dancers. In fairness, it is low season and the Germans and Austrians have packed their lederhosen and gone back to the warmth of central Europe, and it was a wet evening. Nonetheless, it’s disappointing to watch a bar that used to be one of the best in Pattaya now looking as if it’s merely surviving on past dreams and glories. According to one of the serving lasses, the den

employs around 13 chrome pole molesters (there were just six left when I wandered in).

 

There was nothing wrong with the small band I saw, the music was pretty good and with draught amber at 49 baht all night (other libations are around 95 baht) it must still attract an occasional crowd. One definite mistake is the pricing of the on-premises gobble and go offering. According to the serving lass, the bar fine is 500 baht, the room is 100 baht and the damsel in demand is 1,000 baht. Total: 1,600 baht. As my friend remarked at the time, “I’d rather pay 1,200 baht and get a good-looking beer bar girl and take her long time.

 

”The Lamp’s Gone Out: The former Aladdin noshery (Second Road, near Pattayaland Soi 2) has had a facelift and a name change, to Munch Snack, and now has pool tables, an Indian menu and rooms for rent.

 

The Kiss munching den in Soi Diana, situated on the site of the old Bavaria House II, has also closed down. I presume people who were dining at the more established Kiss just down the road didn’t see the point in walking 50 metres up the road. Down in Walking Street, the Amazon ogling den has been sold. With Chang amber fluid at 125 baht (including a free shooter) and a relatively small clutch of dancing damsels it never held much appeal for me. I like value for my baht and would much rather spend 90 baht in Super Girl (Soi Diamond), for example, and ogle 50 or more of the most attractive chrome pole huggers in town. Paying almost 40 per cent more for a drink to see a lot less is not my idea of fun. The Susie ogling den (Soi 4) has also closed its doors. Hardly a surprise considering the place only had three or four dancers (and they were fat) and wanted to snip punters 120 baht for a drink. Sometimes you really are left wondering where the owners of these places find their ideas.

 

My e-mail address is: nightmarch@hotmail.com

Author of Pattaya "Patpong on steroids"

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