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ISSUE 10…. Well the most manic time of the year is almost over and we enter the New Year on a high with a record level of advance bookings that sees us already well over 80% occupied through the first quarter of 2007. With a large number of bookings also made for later in the year and the Penthouse now on stream the hotel side will hopefully be set for another record breaking year. This is, of course, so long as (i) the authorities here do not come up with any more magical ways of completely pissing off foreign visitors and (ii) the events of New Years Eve in Bangkok prove to be no more than a terrible one off occurrence. The most pleasing thing of the last couple of weeks for me is that despite all of the feverish activity, the comings and goings, the moving of rooms and so forth we had no disasters and nobody was left sitting in reception for hours on end waiting for their room to become free. I can tell you that this was all down to brilliant planning and organisation on my part, however, it is unlikely you will believe me and the truth is simply that the Big Baker in the Sky delivered a huge slice of luck to us this time around! I have no doubt though that my ‘good news’ is hardly music to my reader’s ears who were hoping for tales of woe from yours truly and hearing how many times I had been floored by a right hook from an irate customer – sorry people!! I hope those of you who stayed here over the festive season enjoyed our hospitality although I rarely have a chance to meet anyone at this time of year. It is therefore the best time to visit if you wish to avoid having me chew your ear off about whatever my particular beef may be at the time. The staff all coped admirably and performed well – save for Christmas Day that is. Mrs. Boss and I made the fatal mistake of telling the staff we would not be in the hotel as we would spend the day with the children and have a family Christmas in our new home. This family together day lasted until 08:15 when we were contacted by the night reception staff to advise absolutely nobody had turned up for work – no receptionists, no room maids and no cook!! Fortunately we had been up since 06:00 with the boys waking us from our slumbers wanting to open their presents. Mrs. Boss immediately donned some less comfortable attire and headed to the hotel. At around 09:30 they started to drift in all rather bleary eyed and with that awful Thai “so what if I am late” attitude. Well when it comes to work ethics Mrs. Boss is rather more farang than Thai and everyone received two barrels of her vocal shotgun. Having been on the receiving end of both barrels a few times myself I can testify that this is not something you want aimed in your direction!! Anyway satisfied that she had scared the living daylights out of everyone Mrs. Boss returned home by mid afternoon and the festivities in the Meacher household continued through to the early hours of Boxing Day. The best part of this time of year for me is watching all the new boys in town with the look of wonderment etched into their faces and attempts to regale me with stories that they feel are unique, especially in relation to the fairer sex. I stand and nod, I smile, I delight in their tales, I praise their powers of conquest despite having heard these stories now in excess of 1,000 times. I still, though, love that naivety and remember my own ramblings from many years ago when I too was the first ever Westerner to arrive in the Land of Smiles!!!! On the penultimate day of the year Mrs. Boss and I attended a Wedding reception for someone I vaguely knew from England who was marrying his Thai girlfriend of two years. The reception was at one of the 5 star hotels along Beach Road with the promise of good food and plenty of Champagne. The invitation was for 17:00 but a combination of work commitments and Mrs. Boss’s famous inability to be anywhere remotely close to the prescribed hour saw us arrive at 20:00 – how I wish we had never made it at all! Now I met the Groom through a colleague in my UK business on a few occasions and have seen him here several times over the last couple of years. He is a nice enough chap, heading towards retirement and looking forward to living permanently in Thailand. However, he has the propensity to drink too much on a fairly regular basis. Well for his wedding ‘too much’ took the form of two bottles of Vodka during the day washed down with several bottles of Champagne in the evening. By the time we arrived walking and talking were skills that appeared to be way beyond his capabilities. It was therefore to my utter disbelief that he stumbled and meandered his way onto the stage intent on delivering a speech. I feared the worst but even the worst of my imaginings did not scratch the surface of what was to follow. The heavily slurred speech was almost, but alas not completely, unintelligible and was the most painful and embarrassing I have ever tried not to listen to. I sat frozen in my chair, afraid to look into the faces of my fellow guests with my only consolation being that my wife and other assembled Thai guests were simply not going to be able to make any sense of it – not that there was any apparent sense being spoken anyway! The speech contained 5 anecdotes which said in this drunken fashion once would have been bad enough but repeated half a dozen times as they were, was far too much to bear. Had there been any nails on our table I would have taken to hammering them through my hands to relieve the pain – I am telling you it really was that bad and therefore I feel it is only fair to share my pain with you. The Anecdotes: 1. “I went out one night in Phuket for a packet of cigarettes and came back with the lovely Joy”. “Goodness knows”, he adds, “What would have happened if I had asked for a box of matches”. Now this was mildly amusing, if somewhat unfathomable, and quite where the mind was supposed to go I do not know. On its own a harmless line and touching when followed by “and isn’t she beautiful” after which there was a round of applause. As this particular anecdote was repeated for the second and third times the applause became somewhat less enthusiastic and the fourth and fifth renditions necessitated our Groom to request some. The lovely Joy stood and smiled at the mention of her name on each occasion although I was sure the smile had been replaced by a grimace at some point as the realization of what she was letting herself in for gradually started to dawn. 2. Anecdote number two seemed to come from nowhere. He was in a taxi, something about the back streets of Bangkok, into a building, men in army uniforms bent over pool tables with their trousers down and reference to him being in the British Consulate. I thought it appropriate to omit the terminology that rather graphically described the pool table scenario but feel certain you could fill in the gaps without too much difficulty. 3. This one got back in some fashion to the matter in hand i.e. The Wedding. Something to do with the wedding certificate and getting a marriage registered here in Thailand being the same as it used to be to get a Dog License in the UK years ago. Now was he referring to the form filling sensations or was the lovely Joy now being compared to a canine? 4. Off topic we go again as our Groom launches a scathing attack on the hotel that is playing host to this event, its staff and the parent company’s business ethics. Every other word started with an F or a C and the diatribe lasted several minutes each time without us being given any kind of reason for this vituperrious outpouring. 5. The last of the anecdotes was a reference to the assembled guests, although by now an assembled group of mortified beings frozen solid in time. It went something like this “I want to thank all of you for joining us today except for the English as I hate the English and we all know what the English are and thank you for coming here to be with us except the bloody English who are not welcome and I did not invite them and thank you for making us feel at home in Pattaya although we soon hope to both go back to England” Now this man is ENGLISH, the majority of the non Thai guests were ENGLISH and he is talking about going back to ENGLAND - so what on earth this was about I have no idea. We left shortly after he fell off the stage although not before he stumbled over to our table and asked me what I thought of his speech. I was paralysed by the bloody speech; I was embarrassed by the bloody speech; it was the worst speech I have ever heard yet I tried to find some polite words to impart – I failed! The words “Totally and completely embarrassing crap” spontaneously and uncontrollably erupted from my mouth. I got my coat. I spent an hour or so at a bar in Walking Street trying to explain what was said in the speech to Mrs. Boss but on the basis said speech did not make the slightest bit of sense I had embarked upon an impossible and fruitless task. 2006 concluded with our annual staff party complete with a range of foods and my Sangria style home made punch – all 7 litres of it. I had imagined that much of the punch would still be sat there looking rather sad and warm come midnight. The truth was that had I made 70 litres it may well have lasted the night as the Thais in particular gulped down glasses of the stuff as though it were lemonade. This was a punch with a kick but filled with fruit and laced with sugar it appealed to the Thai taste. The punch was gone by 22:00 and I had only managed to get a couple of glasses before its demise. Several friends and nieghbours stopped by and we all wished each other well and midnight arrived and the New Year was celebrated in true Pattaya fashion with shouting, screaming and the seemingly endless stream of fireworks. So we now look forward to 2007 full of hope and expectation. It will bring its good days and its bad in the same way every other year does – we just keep hoping that the former outweighs the latter with the highs being higher and the lows not too deep.

Well as the year draws to a close I am pleased to confirm that virtually all improvements planned for 2006 have been completed following the installation of our WiFi system. We have routers in the lobby and on the second, fourth and penthouse floors to ensure a good strong signal throughout the hotel. The WiFi access is free to hotel guests and will be available in the Lobby/Cafe for use by non-residents for a fee of B50. However, this fee will be waived if a customer has a food/drink bin in excess of B100. We have limited seating in our cafe and it is therefore necessary to ensure this is not taken up by customers simply using our WiFi access without purchasing food or drink from the cafe. We have and will continue to listen to what our customers say and make changes and improvements wherever possible. Over the past few weeks we have installed a separate water pump to provide a higher pressure supply to the fourth floor rooms and had all curtains lined in the east facing balcony rooms as the direct result of comments made by guests this year. Thankyou to those of you who have made important constructive comments which has greatly assisted us in hopefully improving upon our already high standards.

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Stinger - thanks for your kind words, I hope we will see you back here soon. The WiFi installation is on the top of my priority list as you know and hopefully this will be in place soon - my computer guy has been AWOL for the last few days which is his way but as soon as he returns to action then this issue will be resolved. As for the stairs, well there is little I can do about that - just think of it as some much needed exercise to counter the beer consumption!! We will have black out curtains installed in all of the east facing (balcony) rooms and the Penthouse within the next week to 10 days. The order has been placed and the curtain fiters are working on this now which will mean those with a balcony room will not be woken by the morning sun. This was something raised by a member of one of the forums and I hope continues to show that what our customers say is important to us and that we do take notice of what you tell us. All the best to everyone for Christmas and New Year.

Issue 9…. Well I thought I would pen a few lines before the festive season gets into full flow and I become submerged under a sea of suitcases and surrounded by bleary eyed travelers as they arrive and depart the Land of Smiles. I would like to take this opportunity to say thank you to all of you who have read my Diary so far and especially those who have made complimentary comments and are therefore responsible for pushing my ego through the ozone layer thus reducing the lifespan of our planet even further! I have now been here in Pattaya as a permanent resident exactly two years; arriving a few days before Christmas 2004 with that wonderful feeling of freedom having left the stresses of the UK behind me. I looked forward to semi retirement i.e. doing enough to keep the little grey cells in working order but generally being an overseer a few days a week at the hotel; no more than that would surely be required. The rest of the time I would read, write, lay by the pool, go to the beach, play with my children, travel around Thailand and neighbouring countries, study, learn to play golf and anything else that came to mind – well I would have the time for this and more besides wouldn’t I? WRONG I could not actually have been more wrong had I deliberately set out to be so. I did not have a clue. Everything I had imagined evaporated in a matter of weeks and I am here today working 100 hour weeks as a norm and having done so little of the non-work related activities I had planned. I have been a receptionist, room maid, painter and decorator, waiter, maintenance man, cook, personnel officer, night security guard, accountant, manager, sales and marketing executive, general dogs-body as well as Mien Host! I feel as though I have employed more people in these past two years than General Motors and am scared to death to check the records in case this intended throwaway line is proved to be accurate! My complete and utter ignorance of what to expect as an ex-pat business owner knew no bounds. My understanding of Thai people and their culture was zero. My business plan lays shriveled on my desk sitting their mocking me – I dare not throw it away as it serves to remind me of my ignorance. How did I get it so wrong? My wife is Thai and we had lived together for many years. I had traveled to Thailand over 30 times and in total must have been here over 100 weeks including a full two month stay in 2001/2002. Quite amazingly, but rather obvious to me now, is the fact that throughout all of those visits I had learnt absolutely nothing that would help me to live and work here. Over the past two years I have had to learn how to deal with people in a completely different way and I am still getting it wrong on a regular basis. I have had to change the way I think, the way I react, the way I talk, the tone of my voice. I have had to learn to smile when to strangle would be more natural; to speak softly when a roar would have been more appropriate to the former me; to tolerate levels of inefficiency that beggar belief; to accept that an appointment made for a certain time may mean the person you are meeting does not even turn up let alone arrives several hours late. In short I have had to put over 50 years worth of behavioral skills and over 30 years business skills into the waste bin and develop an entirely new and different set of values. Only those of you who live AND work here will understand exactly what I mean but I doubt there is one ex-pat here from the West that has not had to undergo a similar personal metamorphosis in order to succeed and prosper. I have failed to master the language and this is my biggest regret of the last two years. It is certainly not through the lack of trying though – it is presumably because when it comes to learning another language I do not have the necessary tools in my locker. I have studied at a school in a one on one situation, I have read books; listened to tapes; paid attention to what Thai people around me are saying in an effort to pick up the odd words or phrases; asked my children to help me; watched Thai television (a job on its own I can tell you) and anything else I believed may assist me. I doubt I know more than 100 Thai words and none of them would fit together to make a meaningful sentence. I am going to have to put my lack of mental capacity to the test once more though and in 2007 my main goal will be to be able to converse, even to a basic level, in Thai. Despite my annoying lack of perfection and the fact I am on a totally different track than that envisaged when I bade farewell to those ‘white cliffs’ two years ago I am rather proud of what I have achieved in this time. It is not easy to move from one country to another and to settle into a different culture and lifestyle. It is not for everyone and I know many who have tried and eventually given up and gone home. I do not blame them nor do I criticise them – going back is probably an even harder action to take although far, far better than ploughing on when you are unsettled and unhappy. Make no mistake about it Thailand is a tough place for a foreigner to live and work; the authorities do not make it any easier and at times one feels as though they could just whip the entire carpet from under your feet. Add to this the fact that since my arrival here Thailand has been affected by a Tsunami; Bird Flu; Southern Unrest; large scale anti Government demonstrations; a Military Coup and, now, simmering post coup unease PLUS constant financial, visa and property regulation changes negatively affecting foreigners wanting to visit, invest or reside here. However, regardless of the difficulties there is a real pleasure to be taken from being here. All of us in business need to give ourselves a congratulatory pat on the back from time to time as we continue to move forward and to enjoy and relish the little victories we secure from time to time. Whilst we may complain, moan and groan and generally feel frustrated by the manner in which things are done, or not done as is often the case, we need to accept that this is NOT our country, we have chosen to live here and the onus is upon us to adapt to the manner in which Thailand operates and not the other way around. As I write this I am finding myself amused by the fact that we always reflect as a year draws to its conclusion. We rarely reflect, say, in July or August, now why is that? After all going from 31st December to 1st January is exactly the same as going from, for example, 31st July to 1st August, you just move another day ahead each time. Well this is the way it appears to be and it affects me the same as everyone else. The year is closing down and the lid ready to be placed atop the bin with a new year brimming with all of the things one hopes for sitting their eagerly waiting to burst into bloom. I will return in the New Year to regale you with the no doubt endless tales of mishap and general mayhem that will inevitably occur over the next couple of weeks. However, before I bid you farewell for 2006 I want to share with you one of my favourite stories of the year. One of my regular customers, let’s call him Dick, is a true and self admitted Butterfly. Dick is a handsome chap who combines his good looks with some real charm and thus is very popular with the ladies here. He is polite, courteous, charming and generous and the Thai ladies truly love Dick. Anyway, one night on a recent visit he was out on the town and enjoying some time in a Pattaya Discotheque. He saw a very beautiful and sexy lady, well dressed and with a beaming smile aimed directly at him. Dick weaved his way towards this vision of loveliness and said hello and she mouthed a Sawasdee in return – the noise of the music drowning out their words. Using hand signals he asked if she wanted a drink, she pointed to a coke and off he went to fetch her drink after ushering her to his table. They looked at each other longingly for several minutes over their drinks but Dick could not make himself heard or hear his muses voice so suggested the leave the disco and go to a bar outside – again all by hand signs to make himself understood. The girl eagerly nodded her agreement; they finished their drinks and departed. They went to a bar on the other side of the road and Dick asked the girl what drink she wanted and she wrote down COKE on a piece of paper. The girl was deaf and dumb!!!!!! He spent several hours talking to her – she could lip read English very well – as she wrote notes in reply!!!!!!!! Dick still sees her from time to time as a friend but cannot help but think he would have been better off staying in the disco with her that first night when the music rendered them both deaf and dumb! Peace, prosperity and all my very best wishes to each and every one of you for 2007 and beyond. Kevin TO BE CONTINUED………………

I am delighted to announce completion of refurbishment works on our Penthouse Apartment and full details together with an extensive photo gallery will appear on the web site (www.jasminemansion.com) later next week. The Penthouse is already heavily booked through December and January with a few advance bookings made for next year. although on the 5th floor this offering plenty of excercise once the stairs have been navigated this is superb place to stay - I know as I lived there for two years!! I now give some details for those who may be interested and I would have liked to have added a few pictures as I have done on oher forums, however, I just cannot see how to add pictures on this site - if anyone can help it would be appreciated!! The Penthouse has been the subject of a comprehensive refurbishment completed towards the end of 2006 and will be the subject of annual redecoration in the same fashion as all of other rooms. This is spacious modern accommodation which is unlikely to be bettered in terms of value for money anywhere in Pattaya. The Penthouse offers you a range of different areas in an open plan style with a minimalist design. There are a large range of windows all around the apartment including the bathroom which creates a wonderfully bright space which you can keep cool with the double air conditioning units!! The sleeping area offers a King sized bed with two bed side tables and attractive bed side wall lights. Opposite the bed is a unit upon which there is a large television with cable connection and modern DVD player. There is a separate seating area with two chairs and a coffee table which can be easily moved around the room to suit your mood. To the rear of the apartment there is a separate dressing area with a range of wardrobes and a dressing table with large mirror above. The bathroom is of a modern design with a large bath and a shower over, glass sink with glass shelving either side and windows to two sides. Outside there is a covered kitchen and dining area with a range of fitted wall and base units, electric hob, microwave oven, water heater, sink and drainer unit and dining table & chairs. To the front there is an attractive terrace with numerous potted plants and shrubs on which to enjoy a spot of sunbathing on one of the covered sun beds and an outside shower to cool you down when the going gets too hot. This area has an awning enabling you to sit out under shade if preferred and further offers skyline views across Pattaya.

ISSUE 8……. Well I am away on my trip to Bangkok and beyond on Sunday so you will not be hearing from me for a short while. Mrs. Boss is always pleased to see me go away and says the break is good for me and the savings on body bags makes my absence cost efficient!! There is no doubting the need to get away from Pattaya on a fairly regular basis, it is a completely false world and even Bangkok offers up comparative normality. I get into my suite in the Landmark, don the complimentary bathrobe, order far too much food from room service and crash out in front of the TV watching a PPV movie like some beached whale – not that I have ever seen a beached whale watching TV but a fair resemblance it would be I dare say. Evening time I will waddle down to Huntsman’s pub in the Landmark basement to watch the football and do my damndest to avoid a trip to Nana Plaza knowing that I have to be up bright and early for my pal Peter’s unearthly hour arrival the following dawn. Nana Plaza will likely still be there the next day!! Now some of you may see a few nights at a Suite in the Landmark as a frivolous expense. However, I reckon I earn this over indulgence and pampering with all the work I do and the stuff I have to put up with. I also calculate that I get about 20 days off in the entire year so I have no expensive annual vacation with air fares and so forth thus, to me, this is justified expenditure. Mrs. Boss tends to disagree and cannot understand why I do not stay somewhere more economical but then as you will soon learn Mrs. Boss extravagances make mine pale into insignificance. As you will remember last week I managed the attention seeking feat of breaking my foot. I hobbled around for a couple of days, as a result of the sprained ankle rather than the broken bone, and then all was well. I will be eternally grateful for the complete lack of concern shown by most of you through this ordeal. I did, however, receive considerable sympathy from my youngest son who regularly stood on my foot and asked after every occasion “is it better now?” Mmmm, the healing process will be a long one if this behaviour continues unabated!! My mobility restored I decided to tackle the remainder of the garden on Saturday. Without being asked or made any promises both my sons pitched in to help and worked long and hard with dear old Dad. Mrs. Boss likes to plant things, I know not what they are and care even less. All I know is these things, plants I believe they are called, require holes to be dug and the result of this is various mounds of earth liberally scattered on the lawn around these holes. The earth is then left for weeks to dry in the sun and embed itself nicely into the lawn. Mrs. Boss has now managed 14 such masterpieces and it was the surrounding earth that we endeavoured to remove at the weekend. Given I was attempting to save as much of the grass hidden below as possible this removal work had to be undertaken mainly by hand and was, thus, a long and painstaking task, especially with the burning sun beating down on us. Having started at around 08:00 I eventually finished at 18:30 – the boys, bless them, gave up a couple of hours earlier. Anyway, it was all done and I was rather proud of my achievement. We now move to our swimming pool, well the swimming pool surround to be more precise. We had asked for wooden decking to be placed as a walk way around the pool and our contractors duly obliged. However, this is Thailand and unless you stand watching every move a workman makes then you are going to end up with a bloody awful job – we let the contractors do this unsupervised! The result was the decking placed on wet concrete and then “nailed” down. Now even with my limited knowledge of anything manual I know the concrete will give, the nails will inevitably come loose and the decking will become displaced. I reckoned on it lasting 6 months – I was wrong, it lasted two! We therefore recalled the contractors who had no choice but to return – we still had B200,000 of their money!! They turned up and removed all of the decking, cleared up very nicely and then the next day, when we were here at work, returned to fill the surround with concrete prior to putting on a sandstone finish. Can you possibly understand the way I felt when on returning home to look at my recently repaired lawn that had caused me almost 20 hours work over two days, a sprained ankle and a broken foot was now covered in bloody concrete? – no not little droplets here and there, bloody great mounds of the stuff all over the sodding lawn. WHY? Mrs. Boss immediately called the contractor and I wrestled the phone off her for a few seconds which was sufficient time for me to hurl a barrage of abuse at said contractor and although I doubt he understood a word of it at least some of my tension was dissipated!! To add to my jolly mood I then noticed that the very large pond to the front of the house had been destroyed. I missed it initially with all the excitement over the mounds of cement on the lawn but now it was there and I stood in shock. Wh…….wha…….WHAT THE F*CK I eventually managed to utter as I stood pointing at an enormous great hole measuring approximately 5 meters x 3 meters and some one meter plus deep. “Oh that, didn’t I tell you?” chirps up Mrs. Boss “I didn’t like the pond so I told them to get rid of it”. This cost us B100,000 only two months ago and now I have this woman who abuses me for spending B4000 a night to stay at the Landmark in Bangkok telling me she ‘just changed her mind’ over something that cost B100,000 – incredible, quite incredible!!! So as you can see my dear readers my life remains a constant torment. Even when everything on the hotel front is serene life still finds a way to shove a bloody great spanner in the works! TO BE CONTINUED……….

Graham flattery gets you everywhere especially with someone as egocentric as I!!!! The Penthouse is finished in terms of works and redecoration and the prices are for post modernisation. We have been out today and purchased some new pictures, new pillows, a DVD and microwave for the Penthouse and are off soon to get a couple of beach beds for the terrace. I want to do the pictures when everything is in place so hopefully over the weekend before I head off up north for a few days on Sunday - if not then as soon as I return which is 9th December. We have a couple of minor bits to sort out but these will be finished prior to the first guest for the Penthouse arriving in early December. I look forward to seeing you towards end of December and you will be most welcome to visit and have a look around although what I will be able to show you in terms of rooms is debatable as we are fully booked -I am sure we can sort something out though!! All the best, Kevin

Moon River for me is the worst food place I have been to in Thailand. OK sometimes the music is good (but not when they have a Thai rock band playing full blast on Valentine's Day as they did last year) and the atmosphere is very good. Twice we have been and both times neither my wife nor I had more than two mouthfuls of the dry, tasteless food we were served. Have not been there for 20 months plus and never likely to return in order to dine.

1. Moomaroy (not sure of the spelling) just off Third Road for excellent fish dishes and seafood with a better range of dishes than most of the sea food restaurants along the beach and a good atmosphere. Always busy and 80% plus of the customers are Thai. I must have been to this place over 50 times and always a good experience. They also have a branch in Naklua by the sea. The Naklua branch is not a place to visit though if you are having or have had several drinks - there is a big drop down to the sea and no wall to protect you from falling - this is also a nightmare with kids in tow!! 2. For a change and a wide range of dishes Bale (opposite the Moomaroy off Third Road) is quite pleasant and somewhere I regular take friends when they are visiting Pattaya. My number one place for non seafood Thai dishes has now closed down. It was directly opposite Bangkok Pattaya hospital, part of a stainlessware shop, open to the thundering traffic and next to a used car lot but heck the food was absolutely fantastic. I can only think these guys found a new shop and just wish someone could tell me where. 3. Vientianne Restaurant I have always found to be above average and I like the cuisine. Slow service is not a problem as I like to relax when out for a meal, have a couple of beers and then dine although having said this I never norticed the service being particularly slow. I am also rather wary of those establishments who bring you the food a second after you order it - never keen on food here that has likely been sitting warming in pots all day long!! 4. In Bangkok worth a visit is Vertigo above Banyan Tree hotel (Wireless Road area). Euro cuisine and the food is OK and they have a good wine list but above all this is the highest open air restaurant in the World and the views are simply stunning. Very romantic but not cheap (a lot of the wanna be seen Bangkokites go there for drinky poos) - a great place to propose!! When booking make sure you get a table with an all round view or they will stick you in a corner.

You have got to be joking - I do not get many pleasures in life and you want me to do away with one of them!!!!! I actually put Worcestershire Sauce and Tabasco on my scrambled eggs so maybe one day you would like to swap!!

ISSUE 7…… Quite a week for me this one has been but not really along the lines I had planned. My French connection took an unexpected turn with us at one point having 9 French guests staying at the hotel!! This included four guys who were the most charming of customers; they stayed for a week and booked for a further five days after their short trip to Phuket and are now booking 10 rooms from late July to late August next year!! How I love the French…..always have!! Given that the hotel was full and everything was running AOK I decided to take a day off and attend to the garden at home. Now I am really no gardener – give me slabs of concrete and piles of bricks, tall buildings, office blocks all of that at any time in preference to grass, fields and all that fresh air. Anyway the grass was getting up towards jungle proportions and I feared losing one of the kids out there so it was time to attend to matters. Armed with a new lawnmower and strimmer I set about my task. I worked through the heat of the day and was delighted to have a swimming pool to jump into to cool myself down on a regular basis. Eventually night fell and it was too dark to continue so I packed everything away in our outhouse. Now the step down from the outhouse is a little steeper than the normal sized step. I completely forgot this and stepped out into the darkness hitting terra firma with a loud thud and to sound of cracking bone. The next days visit to Bangkok Pattaya hospital revealed a broken foot, sprained ankle and ligament damage. The doc seems to think I will be able to walk around normally from next week which is a relief as I have my impending trip to Bangkok and beyond due to commence on 4th December. Perhaps Mrs. Boss will permit me a trip to Nana Plaza to get a TOE JOB!! On the every cloud note it means that not only do I get out of the gardening for a while but that the insurance pay out is slightly higher than my annual premium so I make a profit on the deal!! As for the kids, well I will buy them a whistle and some flares should they be unable to reconnoiter their way back to the house. My pain is hardly being eased by the cricket as the Aussies are well in control after the first couple of days play in the first Ashes Test. Good for business I suppose though as the café is full from very early morning with bleary eyed guys glued to the television and dripping egg down their shirt fronts. Strange how something that is on for 6 hours a day and over five days makes us afraid to avert our eyes for 5 seconds lest with miss something!! To my American readers I simply will say…..Baseball and Cricket - same same but different. This reminds me of 4 year old telling me off a couple of days back for saying “same same but different” – “you mean similar don’t you” he tells me!! Actually when told by Mrs. Boss of my fall his response was “He dead or not?” – that’s my boy, straight to the point!! Oh well, back to hobbling around and failing miserably to get any sympathy. TO BE CONTINUED…….

ISSUE 6….. Well first of all thanks to those board members who have stopped by to say hello over the last few weeks. I am not quite sure what you thought you were going to find although feel sure you were expecting to walk into some degree of mayhem and carnage. You were all probably disappointed that I was not rolling around on the floor fighting a member of staff; blue in face with rage at a customer; covered from head to toe in enamel paint or involved in some way in any of the other tales you have read over the last month. It is not like that ALL of the time. That would see me ending it all one way or the other fairly promptly. You usually get one, sometimes two, incidents a week that are worthy of note and they tend to last only a short time – a mere blink of an eye in the greater scheme of things. Can you imagine if I was firing staff or shouting at customers or spilling paint down the plugholes all day every day?? Most of the time everything here works like clockwork. Not quite as smooth as clocks from Switzerland I grant you, more your, say, Nigerian timepiece, but clockwork nonetheless. Now having said this I am getting concerned about Nigerian’s and in particular upsetting Nigerian clockmakers, how many potential Nigerian clockmakers am I now going to lose as future customers? It is just an example to illustrate a point guys, I mean nothing by it, and likely some of my best friends would have been Nigerian clockmakers had I ever met any! All in all this has been a peaceful, in the uneventful sense, few days. OK there was one 03:30 incident when a TGF got ever so slightly miffed when her farang turned up with another lady and made the merest suggestion of a manage-a-trois. It appears to me that is was only because she was a little overwhelmed by the thought that she raised her voice an octave or two higher than prudent and I am sure it was just the wind that caused the room door to slam….. seven times! I am also convinced that the death threats she issued that resulted in said farang vacating the hotel 24 hours early were the merest of playful retorts and the two Katoeys who returned several hours later with her were only there as her way of making things up with an alternative sexual get together. Don’t you just love this place? Now I received a room booking for next July for 'Axle' and his pal 'Phirip'. A delightful enquiry it was too; well written, friendly and humorous – I had already decided these were going to be customers I looked forward to meeting with eager anticipation. Booking seven or eight months ahead as well showed planning and you could just see from the words that these guys could not wait for the time to pass before their return to the LOS. I duly issued my reply and the next morning the booking was confirmed for both rooms. Axle ADMITTED that he had inadvertently sent his reply message for me to himself which really made me laugh first thing in the morning and set me up well for that day. Axle is Irish. By the way I keep to my word and as stated in the pre-amble to my very first issue people’s names are changed for their own protection - now be fair I NEVER EVER said by how much they would be changed did I? And before all of the Irish start jumping down on me from a great height I am part Irish myself which may well explain a lot!! The Diary will go on holiday for a couple of weeks in early December. I have my best mate arriving from the U.S. and we will spend a couple of days in Bangkok before taking a trip up to Udonthani and Nong Kai before heading back to Pattaya. My pal, Peter, whose name I am not changing because, well, he’s my pal and I doubt I could ever be as rude about him as he is about me, hates Pattaya. Fine, it is not everyone’s cuppa and the fact that this will be his third trip here from Baltimore in 12 months merely shows his great affection for yours truly rather than for the bawdiness of Pattaya doesn’t it? Oh yes, the French customer from Issue 5. Well he went home a day or so ago. He actually embraced me before departing, gave me his e-mail address, took away several of our cards and brochures to give to friends, made a booking for March 2007 and lodged a deposit. Funny how things so often turn out right in the end isn’t it? It must be my charm!!! PS to 'Axle' - if you read this as I am sure you will and decide to post my "admission" as your revenge then I will merely be getting what I am sure I deserve - Looking forward to your visit though and the penciled in night out with you guys!!!!! TO BE CONTINUED…………

glynbUK - The F word has paid and is a good customer now, he is, perhaps, learning how to cope with life in LOS now! Skallagrim - I feel as though I am living in a Fawlty Towers reality show!! When you understand that FT was a parody of hotel life then you realise how damn accurate it was!!! ISSUE 5, Part II. You know that things have reached a pretty pass when you sit watching Fawlty Towers and nodding in agreement with Basil; feeling sorry for him and understanding exactly why he is so wound up all of the time. No longer are you embarrassed by his antics but you are actually willing him to go one step further, don’t just throttle Manuel or the annoying guests KILL THEM, KILL THEM ALL!!! I even understand how Basil felt when he went to make himself some toast and a cup of tea and then go to sit away from everyone in his office and listen to his music – he was acting if he were a naughty schoolboy up to mischief when all he was doing was trying to have himself 5 minutes peace and quiet! Yes Basil I understand, I truly do!! I know I am not alone here in Pattaya with my trials and tribulations and feel certain that most service sector business owners have similar stories to relate. Whenever I get together with another local business owner we can spend hours telling each other tales of what has happened simply over the last week or two – unfortunately I do not get to say very much as they have already read about mine through this diary!! Now whilst what follows is about headaches given me by members of staff I want to make it perfectly clear that (a) I have now and in the past had some fantastic Thai staff who work very hard and are totally dedicated and ( in the UK over the years I paid many people a considerable amount of money who were equally as inefficient and bloody useless as some I have employed here – just far more expensive. I try to keep things in perspective and aside from all of the aggravation, laws and bureaucracy relating to UK employment law the wage roll there was about 50% of my total turnover whilst here in Thailand it is closer to 15%. Anyway, I will continue with my latest travails. My brother-in-law, Pi, works for us covering the late evening and early morning shift from around 20:00 to 02:00 and then doing some odd jobs during the day. He is a top guy and although his English is limited he helps the other staff as and when they require and he is also a useful pair of eyes to ensure everyone remains honest when Mrs. Boss and I are not here. This week he has returned home for around 7 days to help his brother with the rice harvest so yours truly is covering his evening shift. The next day the cook says she will have to be away for a week as her mum is sick and she is needed to look after her. I think about enquiring after cooks medical qualifications but realise that this is just me being sarcastic and I do understand the family ties that exist here. I simply have to accept this is part of life and that I will have to cover her shift from 08:00 to 17:00. Not good as I am now working from 08:00 to 02:00 with a couple of hours notional break in the early evening. The early evening break quickly disappears as one of the Receptionists has a fall out with Mrs. Boss and does not bother to return – well fine, I need to now be around here from 08:00 to 02:00. Now if that is not enough the night time security guy tells us he cannot start until 03:00 as he has other commitments over the next couple of weeks – oh well, another hour – what difference is that going to make? I am now here for one week working from 08:00 to 03:00 – that is only a 19 hour shift!! Obviously I move back here from the new house for the duration, we are full so I have to sleep in the Penthouse which is presently undergoing refurbishment and therefore a building site! I am now tired and overworked and a little testy and to add to the woes my ulcer starts playing up – I had some raw chillis with my Vietnamese take away and they get to me every time but still I refuse to acknowledge the fact! I have now had 2 nights with a total of 8 hours sleep followed by 2 nights with no sleep as a result of the bloody ulcer so that is 8 hours sleep over 4 nights and still 3 days at least to do. Now I can tell you anyone presently staying at the hotel will vouch for the veracity of this tale as they all comment on the fact that I appear to always be here – “appear”, shit, this is no magic trick, I AM ALWAYS BLOODY WELL HERE!! I venture downstairs at 07:45 one morning to be met by the café music blaring out at a ridiculous volume and my night guy with his feet up on a table doing the crossword (badly) in a newspaper we have for our customers. Now as a person who needs fairly large measures of caffeine and nicotine to become vaguely human this is not a great start to the day. Later inspection finds that the night guy had obviously spent most of his time surfing sex sites on one of our computers and in a vain effort to cover his tracks deleted most of the programmes from the system! The night guy is fired! Now you may have gauged my mood having read parts 1 and 2 and you may therefore, possibly, have an inkling of the way I felt when the cooks mother came in to the hotel this afternoon asking to speak with her daughter, apparently she had not been in touch for a couple of days so mum just wanted a chat!!!!!!!! I am able to personally confirm that the deafening explosion that followed was NOT North Korea undertaking a nuclear test in the heart of Soi Baukaow. Anyone want to buy a business? TO BE CONTINUED..….

ISSUE 5 – Part I I am sure you have already worked out by virtue that Issue 5 is in more than 1 'part' that this has just been one of those weeks. You know, a week where by the end of it you just want to reach for a gun and shoot everyone on sight. A week where one’s patience is worn wafer thin and just when you believe things cannot get worse, well, bugger me, they do!! I have now got to use the F word. I do try to avoid it, I try to keep it out of my vocabulary at all times, but here, today, I have no option…so apologies in advance for those of you with a sensitive nature but I am going to say it….Frenchmen!!!!!!!!!!! The F word or Frenchman visited 5 days ago. He and his Thai GF were shown a room, she did all of the talking as, of course, he could not speak English.... fortunately she was able to speak some French. She said they would take the room from the following day for a week and would leave a deposit. We explained to her and attempted to explain to him that the room they saw (303) had a customer arriving that afternoon, however, 203, an identical room on a lower floor, would be available for them tomorrow. The lady says this is good and they leave a B500 holding deposit. The next day they return as planned, we give him the registration forms and then he pipes up with “you give me discount, I pay room when leave and you give me include free breakfast”. I am on the edge now with not only an F word standing in front of me but one that is barking orders at me! “No, sir, that is not the way it works, I own the hotel, I make the rules, you accept them or you go to another hotel”. He responds as you would all imagine “No understand, no speak English”. He then remembers the English phrase he trotted out moments before and repeats that standing hunched over the counter in a very aggressive posture. “Look, mate (screw “Sir” I have had enough already) if you give me B40m I will give you the hotel, you can then make up the rules and deal with all of the crap but in the meantime we do things my way”…er…. “No understand English” was the reply. The GF (who I hasten to add was charming) was at this time speaking with my Receptionist and apologising for her mans behaviour “He is always like this…just so angry all of the time, always shouting at people for no reason”. The GF managed to speak to him sufficiently for us to strike a deal where he pays a deposit and half the room rent with the other half payable in three days time”. Peace returns and the F word goes to his room. I sit down, light a cigarette and relax for the first time that day – 15 seconds later there is the F word shouting at the top of his voice in the, fortunately at that time, empty lobby. “You give me another room, other room I see bigger, why you not give me room I see yesterday” – obviously his remarkable on/off English speaking ability is presently turned to ON!! This time there was no Thai GF around to deal with matters and I knew my vain attempts were going to go deliberately ignored, but you have to try! “Look Sir (with the SIR being heavily accented and dripping with sarcasm) we explained this yesterday to your TGF at a time when your English speaking ability was turned to OFF. The room you saw yesterday was an example of the type of room we had for you. As it happens you have an identical room one floor lower and directly beneath the room you saw yesterday”. “Not understand, not speak English but room is smaller”. “No it is not bloody well smaller, it is the same bloody size, it is the same bloody room it is just on a bloody different floor”. At this point and before he can either get irate with me for shouting at him or he professes once more to not understand English the TGF appears. The GF talks to my receptionist and Mrs. Boss who had ventured out of her office pretty hastily on hearing my raised voice. Mrs. Boss knows that when I start to lose it that the end of the world is possibly only moments away. The GF nods, she smiles and she accepts completely that the F word is in the wrong. She talks to the F word and he calms down whilst I simply stand there glaring and foaming at the mouth like some rabid dog. The TGF explains that everything is now OK – he was thinking about a different room they saw yesterday in a different hotel –“oh well that’s OK then isn’t it, that makes his behaviour completely understandable” I mutter under my breath as I walk away. The F word has now been here 5 days and we exchange occasional nods and smiles and he is as quiet as a Church mouse, I even said “Bonjour” to him today and he lit up like a Christmas tree!! However, if that tale were the only brown stuff to have gone fanwards this week I would be a happy man but….see Issue 5 – part 2 tomorrow!!! TO BE CONTINUED……

grego - thanks mate, I have just sat outside the hotel with Mrs Boss and enjoyed the bottle of wine. I look forward to your next trip over when hopefully we can all sit down together and enjoy a drink. Cheers - top stuff!! Best Regards, Kevin

Look guys I am no saint and keeping calm is not easy (and on occassions I lose it big time) but after 15 years or so of owning my own business in the UK and then 2 years out here 17 years of dealing with the public has taught me to control my temper as much as possible - for the sake of the business. When you are in a busy place and have other customers around a shouting match is ALWAYS going to work against your business - the other customers would simply think it is was me, as the owner, being agressive as they were not privy to the whole conversation and will always, by instinct, take another customers side until or unless they know the full story. and remember...... for every bad customer today there is always an even worse one tomorrow, LOL!!!! note to self - buy a big gun..........

ISSUE 4 First of all let me say thanks for the positive comments on my “diary” received to date; this does rather encourage me to continue therefore you now know how to shut me up!! It is only when something happens that I am inspired to write this diary and really you could not make this stuff up. Pattaya, however, tends to provide a plethora of events that set me heading off to the keyboard and I wanted to do this one immediately whilst the entire conversation was still fresh in my mind. Earlier today a customer calls me in to the internet office saying the computer is not working. I go into the internet office and over to the PC he is on and it is connected to the internet and has the Hotmail log in page open. “What exactly is the problem Sir” I say “The bloody computer is broken” he replies “Well, er, no it does not appear to be broken Sir otherwise you would not have the page displayed and the cursor flickering away’ “No the bloody thing is broken, I cannot access my e-mails” “OK Sir let’s see if I can help. Can you enter your user name and password?” Sir duly enters these and presses ENTER and immediately the message appears that an incorrect password has been entered comes up. “See there it is, that proves it is broken, that has happened every time I have tried even when I come out of the internet and go back in” “Well actually Sir that proves the computer is working but that you are entering an incorrect password hence the message ‘an incorrect password has been entered’ as it says on the screen” “But I entered a password and it still did not let me in so it must be broken” “Yes I saw you enter something into the password box but it does appear Sir that what you entered is wrong. Are you certain you have the correct password and also that your user name is correct?” “Yes the user name is right but I do not remember the actual password as it is on a piece of paper I left at home so I enter some letters” “Oh I see Sir, you do not know your password then?” “No but that’s not the point is it? The bloody computer is not letting me in because the shitty thing is broken” “Yes Sir it is very much the point. This is your e-mail account and in order to access it you have to enter the correct password. This is for your own protection as it prevents others from simply entering your user name and accessing your messages” “That’s all bollocks and double talk isn’t it? You are trying to say this is my fault so I still have to pay even though your computer is not working” “Well no Sir that is not the case as I have many, many things to do rather than concern myself with trying to rob a customer of B30. However, were it the fault of the computer I would tell you and change you to another machine and not charge you for the time you have been on this machine. However, it is crystal clear that the problem is not with the computer but due solely to the fact that you do not know your own password” “You are just a stuck up c*** trying to rip people off and I am going to tell all my mates about this place and make sure they never come here” “Well Sir I am sorry that you feel that way. However, I will not charge you for using the computer on this occasion but I would ask that when you leave you do not ever return, is that OK?” “F*** you, you c***” He duly departs – I can, at least, sit back in the confident knowledge that if he is going to e-mail all his friends and tell them what a nasty person I am then I have very little to worry about!!! TO BE CONTINUED………..

Whilst generally receiving favourable reviews this past year a few customers have remarked on the low water pressure in our fourth floor rooms. After the initial remarks earlier in the year a separate system was put in place which appeared to be adequate although it later became clear that at times of heavy water usage in the rest of the hotel the water pressure dropped on the fourth floor. We have today completed the installation of a separate water pump for all fourth floor rooms plus the Penthouse and this is running from a supply independent to the rest of the hotel. I have just completed the testing of the showers in all rooms and the system is working perfectly and the pressure is greater than any other part of the hotel. In fact were in any higher it would likely knock you straight through the wall whilst removing several layers of skin!!!

ISSUE 3 Well although only early days for November the award for Jasmine Mansions complete tosspot of the month has already been decided. Yes, this month the crown of biggest idiot working at the hotel is bestowed on me!! I was, as you will know from the last posting, taking care of redecorating the bathroom doors and re-grouting the tiles as part of this years annual redecoration programme. Nothing too stressful, something I can potter on with and be in and out of a room in a few hours. Well that was the plan! I was happily getting on with the bathroom door in one room, finished the outside and moved to do the inside of the door. Instead of moving the small table I had for the paint pot to stand on into the bathroom I decided a much better plan would be to stand the 2.5 gallon tin of paint in the bathroom wash hand basin. Now OK it did not fit, it was balanced precariously and obviously under normal circumstances it was going to topple over. These, however, were not normal circumstances, it was ME doing this and, as such, the laws of physics were naturally going to be suspended. The laws of physics duly suspended themselves for 10 seconds before 2.5 gallons of gloss enamel paint was seen to be gurgling its way down the wash hand basin plug hole! Several hours and several litres of white spirit later the complete mess I had made of the bathroom, the wash hand basin and, resultantly, myself was finally cleared up – now that was an excellent time saving move wasn’t it? This incident, however, throws up a question that is now bugging me. Why is it, when the entire planet appears to have adopted the metric system, that paint is still sold in gallons and fractions thereof? What is it about paint that makes it different from all other liquids? Apart, that is, from its inability to flow quite as freely through our plumbing system as most other liquids! Mrs. Boss returned refreshed from her week’s holiday in Udonthani and was back at the helm for almost 5 minutes before yelling at all of the staff. Whilst she is away I try to content myself with cajoling them into action, and using the word PLEASE until I have almost worn it out, in the knowledge that anything more vociferous will lead to them departing. She has them all down on their hands and knees with little beakers of cleaning fluid and a toothbrush scrubbing away at the grouting round the lobby area floor tiles – it looked like some heinous punishment being dished out on the women’s wing of the Bangkok Hilton!! She yells at them, she threatens them with the sack and they just get on with their job and are here the next day and the next etc. Now if, as a farang, I were to be 10% as abusive they would not take it – funny old world isn’t it? Several people talk to me about coming to live here and open a business. They want my advice, which I am usually happy to impart although with the caveat that everything I say is should be regarded as complete bollocks. My opinion is that as a place to simply live, holiday or retire to then Thailand is very difficult to beat. As a place to run a business it does, however, leave a lot to be desired. There is not the same level of bureaucracy here as in many more “advanced” countries but the level of complete ineptitude and incompetence is sometimes beyond belief. Staffing is always going to be your biggest headache closely followed by getting anyone in to do works that is (i) remotely competent and (ii) likely to turn up in order for you to gauge their competency. It has taken us two years to find a selection of contractors who pass as both competent and reliable and the same period to find a handful of good and honest employees. Having got your staff and trained them you then quickly realise that what you taught them today has to be repeated the next day, the day after that and, well, every other bloody day. There must be some sort of short term memory problem affecting these delightful people. What I still find most frustrating and annoying though is that when they want to finish with the job or they are unwell there is no attempt to contact you or tell you – they just do not appear. We have twice monthly staff meetings and in every one since November 2004 I have said PLEASE if you are sick just call the hotel and tell us you are not coming to work – it is not like they do not all have mobile phones is it? In addition if you are going to leave the job then give us some notice, a couple of weeks would be nice, a month fantastic but a week at the very least would be fine – never happens. Then in almost 90% of cases the person concerned gets back in touch with Mrs. Boss a few months later and wants her job back, no explanation as to why she left, no apologies, in fact, it is as though nothing had every happened – it must be that short term memory thingy again!! TO BE CONTINUED……

Issue 2 Yes dealing with the public can be frustrating but it can also be a very joyous thing. Everyone is different and what may please some will likely displease others. Take this week for instance when on Thursday I have a customer wanting to leave because the bed is not comfortable enough – he could not sleep. The room is almost immediately re-sold and the following day the new customer spends 10 minutes telling me how comfortable the bed is and it is the best night’s sleep he has had in years! Of course, neither customer is right and neither wrong – they are merely expressing a personal preference but as a service provider you do sometimes feel as though you just cannot win. With Mrs. Boss away in Udon this week I have had a busier than usual time of it. This is compounded by my having two nights out with friends and nursing the inevitable hangovers that follow. I still have to get up at 08:00 despite wishing I could just go into a corner and die. I have to be polite, chatty, smile, listen to customers all of those things that may normally come naturally but on hangover days are quite simply one chore too many!! I have taken myself off a couple of times and gone and done some painting and grouting of bathroom tiles to satisfy myself I am working whilst staying out of the public eye. I started typing this diary entry and then half way through went for a quick coffee break returning to find the computer doing a wonderful impersonation of a Dodo. Down on hands and knees pulling out plugs, putting them back in again all to no avail. My computer guy comes in and takes everything to pieces before telling me my mother is bored! So, who cares, what has that got to do with my bloody computer problem? “Your Mother Bored, Your Mother Bored” he exclaims. Yes she may well be bored but it was her choice to go and live in fucking Inverness so that is the price she has to pay, now what about the computer!! Of course he was telling me the mother board had gone and needed replacing – great another B2500 out the window! This is not helping my banging head at all. The cook now tells me of various items she needs from the shops. Wonderful as I went to Friendship three hours ago and got everything on her list – now I have to go again. I start to ask why she did not put these items on the earlier list but think better of it; I just do not have the energy to go there. This is really not helping my banging head!! I believed after a real pain of a year in staffing terms we were now sorted. Good people in all positions at last, all getting to work on time and all doing a good job without me having to chivvy them along. I am then told one of the room maids has to leave for an unknown period of time, days, weeks, months who knows. Her mum has a shop but cannot run it and the shop assistant they had has quit so the daughter has to return home to run the shop. I really don’t need this, not today. I talk to the girl and try to ascertain how much money the shop makes and believe it to be around B1000 per week profit, it is only a little local store in her village. I explain that this is less than half her salary; would it not make sense to simply close the shop until a new assistant can be found and stay here working. The total look of bemusement on her face tells me I have traveled alone down this particular road!!! This is really, really not helping my hangover. I return to grouting the bathroom tiles, now I am hung-over and angry. As I start to calm down and go into my own little world the room phone rings, Shit I say as I am jolted back to reality and then promptly bang my head, hard, on the underside of the wash hand basin!! Now my head is splitting. Oh well it is now Saturday, football on the T.V. tonight, no going out drinking and Mrs. Boss will be back in a couple of days. TO BE CONTINUED…..

A couple of members suggested they would like to hear more from me although I understand several thousand of you wish to hear less - I have, however, always supported minority groups!! I believe the reason for the request was to learn more about the trials and tribulations of running an hotel here in Pattaya. Well, as and when time permits, I will endeavour to post a JASMINE MANSION DIARY on here and whilst on occasions I may be prone to exaggerate I will keep within the bounds of honesty. Any names used in the diary will be fictitious to protect the innocent or the guilty whichever they may be. I hope that over the next few months this will be a record of events that shows you just what it is like from the other side of this particular fence. Let’s start on 24th October, 07:15 a.m. with me in bed at our house in Nong Yai (East Pattaya across the other side of Suhkumvit from Bangkok Pattaya hospital). My mobile phone is ringing and as much as I try to convince myself it is simply in my dream the reality, like a new day, eventually dawns. I answer the phone to have some Thai woman shouting at me that one of our customers does drugs, has not paid for them, has left bar bills unpaid from last night and that there are Thai mafia heading to the hotel to kill him!! Excellent, top stuff to be hearing whilst one is still 90% asleep. As I have been woken it is simply unfair that Mrs. Boss should still be permitted the luxury of residing in the land of nod so I wake her and relate the tale whilst giving her the phone to call this lady back. Mrs. Boss speaks with our lady caller and decides we need to head immediately to the hotel to see exactly what is going on. We arrive to the usual 08:00 serenity and bemused looking staff. Anyway we are here now and there is no point going back to bed so after 6 hours sleep we are at work for another full day. Later in the day we talk to the guest concerned who is mystified by these accusations and can only suggest that this is a far fetched tale invented by a jealous ex GF!! With the exception of an air conditioning unit breaking down in one of our rooms the rest of the day is largely uneventful. Guests check in and check out, one or two extend their stay, the Café continues its general trend of increasing business day by day. It is now 21:55, almost time to close up the Café and go home – by now my ageing body is yearning for the comfort of my bed so imagine my delight as 4 customers come in and ask if the restaurant is still open! Well lads business is business so a quick smile appears as I say “certainly”. They order a lot of food, all Thai dishes, and by the time they have departed and everything cleared away I am in the car going home at midnight! Mrs. Boss and I have just completed another 16 hour day. 25th October and the alarm goes off at 07:00 as it is the cooks day off so Mrs. Boss and I have to be in before 08:00 to attend to the cooking. I do the farang food and she any Thai dishes – of course today is the busiest day since the last day off the cook had, funny how it always happens this way! Of course today every order, even from Thai ladies, is for farang food so I am tied to the kitchen for 6 hours before there is any respite. Not complaining though as I do enjoy cooking although it is in the best interests of every one to stay out of my way whilst I am ‘in the zone’!! The air conditioning repair contractors have still not arrived by mid afternoon. Mrs. Boss has now called the normal contractor we use for a third time as well as two other companies we know. The usual bucket load of promises follows but I am not holding my breath. I now have to assume they will not be here today and try to find an alternative room for the guest tonight if, as I expect, the AC is not fixed today. We waken one guest from his slumbers “Mr. Smith it is 13:00, your taxi is here”. A mad panic ensues as he tries to get out of the hotel before the illegally parked mini van pulls away with its cargo of fuming departing holidaymakers. He settles his account, offers rather more for the late check out than we want so we agree to give the balance to the staff as his tip and off he goes. 10 minutes later he is back, he booked the taxi for the wrong day, his flight is not until tomorrow. The look on the faces of his fellow mini bus passengers has cheered me up no end!! I have spent 20 minutes explaining to one of my staff that a booking from 20th November to 27th November is for 7 nights. She will not have it – no boss it is 8 nights. I have been through this with her using the calendar and counting the nights off very, very slowly. I feel my life ebbing away, I want to shout at her but I know I cannot do that, she will cry and then she will go home never to return!! I bite my tongue, I go through it for the 20th time and eventually she says “OK boss if you say so…………..but I still think it is 8”. What makes this a tad more infuriating is that we have a computer system that works all of this out so she is not just arguing with me she is claiming the bloody computer has got it wrong as well!! Mrs. Boss is off to see her mother for a few days in Udonthani tonight so I am now shattered and looking forward to 5 days of non stop work. In order to prepare for this I am going out with my pal John for a few drinks tonight so I can concentrate tomorrow whilst nursing a hangover!!!! TO BE CONTINUED……………………..

Bob, We can perhaps do something for you at Jasmine Mansion on Soi Baukaow depending on your exact dates. Have a look at our rooms and information on the hotel at www.jasminemansion.com. Then check out what folks say about us here on this site and other forums and if you then think we may be worth trying send me an e-mail to jasminemansion@mail.com Best wishes, Kevin

Parking only available for motorbikes I am sorry to say. However, further north on Soi Baukoaw (about 500m) past Siam Sawsdee there are some covered parking bays which can be used although I have no idea of the cost. A customer used them a couple of weeks ago for two nights apparently free of charge.

I would just like to update you with things here at Jasmine Mansion: 1. Our web site is now up and running and can be found at www.jasminemansion.com. We have full details on the hotel as well as a large selection of hotel, room and food pictures. There is a link on the LINKS section to this site and a couple of other Pattaya web sites/forums. The site is presently in English only although there is the facility to view in both Thai and German and the translation should be done in the next week or so. One or two minor errors are presently being attended to with the main one being the e-mail address which should read: jasminemansion@mail.com 2. We are getting a Pool Table which should be installed in the next week. 3. We plan to have FREE WiFi access available to all guest rooms by the end 2006 (this is Thailand remember so I will confirm when this is done) and at the same time make the Full of Beans cafe a WiFi Hot Spot. 4. The family have now moved to our new home in Nong Yai so the Penthouse at the hotel will be available from December. This is a very large space with sleeping, sitting and dressing areas, King sized bed, ample furnishings, large modern bathroom, external covered kitchen (with electric cooking rings, large fridge and microwave) and dining area, roof terrace with an outside shower. OK it is on the 5th floor and thus a long walk up but I did it for 2 years and it is the main reason that I lost 25 kilos of unwanted flab!! We will offer daily and monthly rates although believe this would best suit someone looking for 2+ months and we will offer generous discounts on published rates for any longer staying guests. 5. High Season bookings are very good and from November to March we are around 90% pre-booked . A cancellation from two guys today means we currently have two rooms (Large Doubles with Balcony) as the only available accommodation from mid December to mid January. 6. At our Full of Beans Cafe we are offering a B70 afternoon menu from 13:00 to 17:00. This menu is as follows: CHEESE & TOMATO TOASTIE SALAD GARNISH & CRISPS + TEA/COFFEE - B70 HAM & TOMATO TOASTIE SALAD GARNISH & CRISPS + TEA/COFFEE – B70 SANDWICH OR BAGUETTE (Cheese; Ham; Tuna; Mayo; Egg Mayo) SALAD GARNISH, CRISPS + TEA/COFFEE – B70 FRIED EGG OR SCRAMBLED EGG ON TOAST + TEA/COFFEE – B70 BAKED BEANS ON TWO TOAST + TEA/COFFEE – B70 CHEESE ON TWO TOAST + TEA/COFFEE – B70 HAM, 2 EGGS & CHIPS + TEA/COFFEE – B70 SAUSAGE (2 Pork Sausages), EGG & CHIPS + TEA/COFFEE – B70 OMELETTE (Choose from Ham, Cheese, Tomato, Onion) WITH CHIPS + TEA/COFFEE – B70 7. We now offer Room Rates INCLUSIVE of breakfast from our Guest Breakfast Set Menu. We have only increased our basic rates by B50 to include this and offer the option of booking a room excluding breakfast at a B50 discount. The Set Menu is shown below and available from 08:00 to 13:00 either in the Cafe or guest room. 2 Bacon, 2 Sausages, Fried Egg, 2 Toast + Butter and Preserves, Tea or Coffee. OR Omelette (Choose from Ham, Cheese, Tomato, Onion), 2 Toast + Butter and Preserves, Tea or Coffee. OR Cereal (Bran Flakes or Weetabix or Cornflakes), 2 Boiled Eggs, 2 Toast + Butter & Preserves, Tea or Coffee OR Scrambled Egg or Baked Beans on Toast, 2 Toast + Butter & Preserves, Tea or Coffee. OR Ham, Cheddar Cheese, Croissant, 2 Toast + Butter & Preserves, Tea or Coffee. Room Service B30 Supplement We look forward to welcoming you either as guests at the hotel or popping in to the Full of Beans Cafe. Best Regards, Kevin and Jin.