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HI guys, Any of you looking for reasonably priced accommodation off Suhkumvit Road then please note I have just taken over as General Manager at Town Lodge Hotel on Soi 18. We are five minutes by tuk-tuk from Nana and a short walk to Cowboy. Asok skytrain station is almost at the end of the soi. There is plenty to do to get the hotel as I want it but these are mainly tweaks rather than knocking the place down and rebuilding! We have a large bar (Toxic Club) that will be open from midday in mid October (presently 19:00) and at end October food will also be available including room service - only a breakfast at the present time. Room rates are B2500 per night for a Jacuzzi suite; B1500 for superior double and B1300 for standard double BUT any bookings from here will get a TWENTY PERCENT discount. True Visions are expected in the next 24 hours so all sports will be on in the bar. No joiner fees and we have a few hostesses in our bar. Nice quiet location in the heart of the action and everyone will be made most welcome. Thanks and have a good day.

I must say thanks to you Alexist for your very positive review and I am delighted that you enjoyed your stay here - as you know you are number one in the eyes of my staff, very hansum man indeed. Thank you also to the others who have posted your kind comments and, in particular, Rainsberger who has always championed our cause - I have received your e-mail and replied to that separately. nariad - As concerns the night staff being asleep what can I do but offer my sincere apologies for that and also for advising your girlfriend of your other relationship. These are both unacceptable acts and not something we would normally experience - the girls here are usually very discreet as many other guests would be able to testify (of course any indescretions resulting in an out of the ordinary occurrence may result in you getting a mention in my next book at least I do have the decency to change the names!!). Seriously though we do whatever we can to ensure all of our staff behave properly and undertake their duties dilligently. I do check on the night staff from time to time - I stay at the hotel at least one night a week unannounced - but other than physiically being here 24 hours a day, 365 days a year how on earth can I guarantee my night staff do not catch the odd forty winks? - it is impossible I am afraid and that is the level of perfection that is, unfortunately, beyond me as suggested by Alexist. The person or persons mentioned by you are now no longer with us and I have to say our present night guy is excellent from what I have witnessed and been told. Here in Pattaya one is dealing with a revolving door in staff terms. It is difficult to find employees with the necessary abilities and then even harder to get them to stay for the long term. This year alone four excellent staff have left having got married, secured visas and moved abroad with their husbands. I now have two other girls in exactly that same position who I know will leave sometime in the next few months when their visas come through. As with any business you are going to get the occassional bad apple and any business is only as good as its weakest link. It is a damnable shame that all of the efforts of both Jin and I and those excellent members of staff we have sometimes count for nothing because of the actions or inactions of the odd one or two! I think overall though that we offer good value for money and a level of service that is up there in the hard to beat table. The food here is awesome and my chef has been with us for over a year and she just keeps getting better. I eat here out of choice most of the time and am someone who is quick to speak out if something is not done properly. Overall Jasmine Mansion is a small mid range hotel lacking only two major ingredients - a pool and a lift. However, for those who are not phased by the lack of either then I believe we would compare more than favourably to other similar establishments. I am always looking to improve the hotel and restaurant and any coments made that suggest things that may assist us in achieving this are always welcomed and carefully considered. thanks, Kevin PS - For nariad - if you want to drop me a line privately I will be pleased to consider a way in which I may recompense you. PPS - The joiner fee for asecond lady is B200 not B300 staying overnight and my philosophy on this and the reasons for it have been done to death in the past. However, as a number of guests will also testify, this fee is often overlooked by the reception staff. In the event that a guest gets away with this then neither Jin nor I do anything other than let it pass. PPPS - On the subject of noise this obviously affects some people more than others although is only noticeable in the baclony rooms on the first and second floors. If you live in a City or the centre of a large town then it is unlikely you will notice anything but if you live in a more rural environment then it may take a few days to become acclimatised. The higher floors or rooms to the side and back of the hotel are much quieter.

Monday, 21st May, 2007 There I was recovering from one hell of a week, seven days I would like to confine to history as quickly as possible, when Mrs. Boss informed me that we are moving the furniture in the lobby around once again. It was only one week ago when a major upheaval saw the fish tank moved, the reception counter in a new location and various other alterations made. I presumed the Feng Shui consultant had had a dream and decided to amend his previous good advice but I had no inner strength available to discuss the matter. Mrs. Boss had told me what was happening and that was that. It was also another one of those always glorious days where the cook is away and I am tethered to the kitchen stove. My motivating force, the force that I hoped would get me through this particular day, was the desire to down frying pans early enough to go out to watch Manchester United versus Chelsea in the English F.A. Cup Final. FA also happens to be a quite accurate acronym for what I feel about these two football teams, for whom I have absolutely no fondness whatsoever. If they both lost I would be delighted. However, the Cup Final is a tradition that over the last thirty-five years has been a jolly good excuse for me to go out with friends and drink far too much beer. Although I now live in Thailand that is no reason for me to dispense with such a tradition, the fact that I have no friends would not be permitted to stop me either. I sat in my office waiting for the next restaurant guest to arrive, enjoying another cup of coffee and yet another cigarette as the latest motley crew of so-called artisans arrived at the hotel. Mrs. Boss was on hand to instruct them on where to move the bar and the fish tank as well as direct them in putting up a new shelving unit. The fact that Mrs. Boss was here, and seemingly in control, made me feel slightly more relaxed although I am all too well aware that these events are always destined to end in tears. The first tears of the day though were not mine but from Yip, a waitress who joined us a month ago and still looks dumbfounded when a customer asks for something as complicated as a cup of coffee. Those occasions that see a customer request such a beverage as Cappuccino normally result in her staring at them as though they had asked if she would mind if they shot her family. Suffice it to say, Yip is not the brightest girl we have had here. If I were to give her abilities anything more than the merest passing thought I would probably rate her as the least capable person we have ever employed. If this turns out to be the case then she will have beaten off some pretty damn stiff competition. Yip is leaving at the end of the month so there is no point me being too harsh though and I just try to ensure she has someone around to help her when she gets confused i.e. throughout her entire shift. Anyway, Yip was tending to the morning Buddha offerings. Some food and drinks placed by the Buddha statue that sits on a plinth in the hotel lobby. In order to reach the plinth it is necessary, for whoever is undertaking this task, to stand on a chair. There is a large wooden chair, very solid and more than capable of holding my weight let alone that of some minute Thai lass, adjacent to the plinth. However, Yip, in her infinite lack of anything remotely resembling wisdom, decided she was going to ignore the bloody great wooden chair and stand on a bamboo bar stool. This is the type of furniture that is perfectly okay for sitting on but the last thing any sane person would ever consider as suitable climbing apparatus. This did not deter Yip, who I watched clamber up and stand on the stool that was soon shaking as if it were at the epicenter of an earthquake. Yip would not make it in a circus, other than perhaps as a clown, and promptly fell to the floor. She dusted herself off and protested that she was, in fact, not hurt, although the tears welling in her eyes rather belied this. I sat her down and gave her a glass of water and suggested that she go home for the day, stopping off at the doctors or nearby hospital if she was in any pain. Yip departed for the day thus depleting our already spartan workforce even further. Not good news on the morning of F.A Cup final day. On one of my short breaks away from the kitchen I ventured over to look at the shelving unit being erected by our workmen. Only two days earlier we had the hotel lobby and restaurant wallpapered with some smart and very expensive wallpaper. At this point I would like to make it known that the decorators who undertook this work were superb, completing their task in the scheduled time with the minimum of fuss and no disasters. I now stood there staring at two large, at least five centimeter by two centimeter, scribbles made by a ball-point pen presumably as guide marks for the shelving. I swore very loudly which quickly saw Mrs. Boss arrive by my side and also stand and stare, mouth agape, in horror. We were now doing our own impersonations of Yip being asked for a Cappuccino. What makes people so stupid that they would use a ball-point pen to make a mark and not a f****** pencil and why a bloody great scrawl rather than just a small mark or indentation? The workmen did, of course, note the errors of their way and quickly attended to the mark with a dirty cloth, now smudging the ink over twice the surface area it originally covered. I swore some more and by now Yip’s gawping pose more resembled the look of some higher life form when compared to the expression spreading across my own face. Fortunately customers arrived in the restaurant forcing me to withdraw from the scene before I was overcome by the need to kill someone. My next return to the lobby was thirty minutes later by which time the top part of the fitted bar had been dismantled. Along with the removal of the bar came the removal of huge pieces of ceiling plasterboard, the latter not being, as far as I was aware, on the schedule of works. As I said at the start of the story this had not been a particularly good week for me and now it appeared to be worsening by the minute and plummeting rapidly to previously unchartered depths. Mrs. Boss had tried to assure me that this damage was unavoidable as they had to use a hammer and chisel to remove the top part of the bar. At this point I led her by the arm to the specific item of furniture and pointed out the screws that still remained in situ ‘Perhaps’ I dared to suggest ‘less damage may have been caused to the ceiling had they simply taken the screws out.’ Apparently whatever level of thought these people have achieved led them to believe an extraordinary heavy piece of wood had remained affixed to the ceiling for the past three years by super-glue! Next on the agenda was the glass shelving unit to the back of the bar. I now had some free time from the kitchen and sat down to watch what they did with this. I had reached my usual place of no longer giving a damn. Once more I had been beaten to a pulp by complete incompetence and ineptitude of proportions so large no measuring device has yet been invented to calculate. I was now able to laugh aloud as their first act was to take a hammer and smash the mirror attached to the rear of this shelving unit. No attempt had been made to locate the screws and remove them, simply straight in with a hammer and smash away. I recalled the, somewhat lyrically challenged, Nick Lowe song of the late 1970’s ‘I love the sound of breaking glass’ and started humming this to myself and wondered whether I had, at last, been tipped over the edge. If men in white coats carrying a straightjacket and several meters of electric cable attached to a control panel had arrived at that moment I would have departed with them willingly, no bother at all, still humming the tune that now refused to leave my head. As I waited the next demolition installment Mrs. Boss made it known that one of our other receptionists had spent the night with a hotel guest. Don’t girl’s knickers come complete with elastic in Thailand? They all know this is against our policy and, if discovered, which it always is, will result in instant dismissal, yet still the occasional one has to go and do it. What really winds me up is the fact that these people think they have fooled us when the only beings they have the remotest chance of fooling are sitting chained up in a padded cell humming the tune to ‘I love the sound of breaking glass.’ What do we do now? We are already short staffed and we have sent Yip home plus she will be leaving in less than two weeks anyway. By firing the girl in question any remaining hopes of my watching the Cup Final are going to be extinguished. I will also be back once again to working a minimum sixteen hour day until a replacement is found. In the end Mrs. Boss and I decided to keep quiet, continue to look for new staff, and dismiss the girl in question when it more suits us. As the day wore on and we were only beset by a series of minor mishaps, a few drops of blood here and there although, sadly, none induced by any act on my part. The damaged ceiling became a major repair job and I believe Michelangelo completed the Sistine Chapel in considerably less time. The entire ceiling was removed around the damaged area and a new piece of plaster board duly arrived. Measurements were taken and rulers plus, noticeable by their absence earlier, pencils appeared. Lines were drawn and the cutting commenced. The re-sized plasterboard was now held up to the ceiling and fitted perfectly, save for a one meter by two meters gap! That is not even close is it? A trained monkey could have done better; in fact, an untrained monkey who had just had a full lobotomy and its brain replaced by a bacon sandwich could have done better…… ‘I love the sound of breaking glass.’ The only consolation through all of this, in real terms not a consolation at all, was that the complete and utter chaos that now reigned meant that the restaurant was unusable and had to be closed early. The loss of a few thousand baht was as nothing when compared to my having a night out to watch the football and I was now in ‘silver lining’ territory. I had a couple of bottles of beer at the hotel before heading off to find a bar showing the football and, hopefully, one that was not packed with red or blue shirted followers of either of the protagonists. As it happened I found a nice bar, watched two hours of the most boring football it has been my dubious pleasure to endure and got drunk, very drunk indeed. I managed to stumble back to the hotel and into my office where I promptly fell asleep at my desk. Mrs. Boss was not amused especially as it took her a good thirty minutes to heave me out of the hotel and into our car. The journey from the car to my bed at home remains a mystery but having reached the bed I stayed there for the best part of the next sixteen hours. I returned to the hotel that evening and the repair works were still underway. Progress had been slow, painfully so, and the large hole to my ceiling remained very much as it had done twenty-four hours previously. I asked Mrs. Boss why this had not been attended to as it should have been the priority job for our workmen. She informed me that it, in fact, had been the first thing they were doing when they arrived that morning. However, within minutes of trying to put up an additional piece of plasterboard they had successfully managed to hammer a nail directly through an electric cable plunging the rear of our lobby area into complete darkness. She took the decision to sack the workmen before they could cause any further damage and was now looking for replacement contractors. As I got into the car for our journey home on Sunday night I hoped that this was the end of a bad week. Being an eternal optimist, despite everything I have endured over the last thirty months, I looked forward with the hope that the next week will be so different and so much better. It was with these sweet thoughts that I returned to my bed, hummed away to ‘I love the sound of breaking glass’ and prayed for the quick arrival of the men in white coats attaching their electrodes to various parts of my anatomy – forty thousand volts should just about do the trick guys For those of you who are interested my book, Riff-Raffles, will be available from 25th May, 2007 priced B395 from Asia Books and other leading bookshops here in Thailand or from the Jasmine Mansion hotel lobby. The book will also be available on-line from the publishers, Bangkok Books, own web site.

I have often been heard to say to my Thai staff, in my usual exasperated tones, ‘If you are going to lie then do so properly. Lie to the level where you are unlikely to be found out or, at least, make the story believable.’ Lying in Thailand is at a level where you have to be a complete Muppet not to see through it. Initially you consider that the person lying to you is treating you with total contempt, so pathetic and lame is the story they are spinning you. However, I have come to realise that the lack of credibility is not due to me being perceived as stupid. It is that the person telling the lie just does not know how to properly think things through before providing you with a fabricated yarn. As a race, telling lies does not come naturally to Thai people. Of course, there is a problem associated with them not wanting to ‘lose face’ and this is a situation where lying would actually be rather beneficial to them. However, they usually circumvent this by not responding to any direct questions which they either do not know the answer to or that the answer would show them to be in the wrong. This therefore obviates the need to lie. They will, instead, simply stare at the floor in the manner of a shamed puppy that has just urinated on your brand new Persian rug or alternatively smile tentatively like a young child begging forgiveness. Both of these actions are assured to induce you to rage. When you have gone red faced and shouted they become terribly upset, they cannot understand why you are behaving in such a barbaric fashion – you are now in the wrong! I hold the opinion that lying is something the Thais have learnt from Westerners. The most typical introduction here in Pattaya will be from a farang who meets a lady in a bar, takes her back to his hotel and then, in the morning, tells her he will come to the bar again that evening. He will not go to the bar of course; he never had any intention of going to that bar ever again. However, rather than tell the girl this was an affair for the one night only he lies. The girl will wait for him, looking eagerly at every customer who approaches until it becomes clear that her man is not going to arrive. The other girls will then inform her that this happens all of the time, farangs tell lies. Whilst they will understand it is not pleasant to be on the receiving end of a lie they realise its potential value and thus it becomes an adopted form of behaviour. In the West lying has been perfected and I consider that I mastered the art from a relatively young age. I will recount, by way of example, one of my favourite lies. Many years ago I was employed by W.H. Smiths, a bookstore and stationary chain with numerous branches throughout the U.K. I worked at their Windsor branch on Saturdays and during my school holidays. It helped put some money in my pocket and left me some fond memories – several storeroom assignations that I will not bore you with. Anyway, being the part-timer, I was given the tasks the full-time staff wanted to most avoid, included in this was opening the shop and taking in the morning newspaper and magazine deliveries. I would arrive at around six in the morning, take in the papers, count them and add everything to the stock records. I would then put the periodicals out on the shelves having removed the remaining previous issues, marking up the ‘returns’ on the stock records. I would open the shop at seven thirty and deal with the early morning businessmen buying their preferred daily paper before continuing to the station to catch their train to London. The regular staff would arrive at nine and I would then have a thirty minute breakfast break. I still have not quite worked out how three hours extra work only entitles one to a thirty minute break but it is a little too late to see my union representative now! As a young man it was not always easy for me to wake at five o’clock in order to get washed, dressed and make the twenty minute journey into the centre of town to arrive at the appointed hour. Late nights at pubs and clubs accompanied by far too much alcohol would often see me still fast asleep several hours after I should have been at work, the alarm clock safely tucked away at the bottom of my sock drawer. After several late arrivals I was given a formal warning and advised, in no uncertain terms, that any future tardiness would result in the loss of my job. Although this was never going to be a threat to my future career prospects it would rather cramp my style, I had become accustomed to having money in my pocket and I enjoyed some aspects of the job. I vowed never to be late again and kept this up until, well, the day immediately following the official warning. It was well after nine when I woke and I would be about four hours late by the time I arrived at the store, I would be sacked for sure. I considered telephoning to tell them I was sick but that just seemed so pathetic, I gave them more credit than to think they would believe me. Anyway they would likely ask me to get a note from my doctor confirming my ailment and this was just not going to happen. I therefore hatched a much more plausible tale. I went into town and stopped at a pharmacy where I purchased an elasticated bandage and a sling. I bandaged my arm, put the sling on, with the help of the shop assistant in the pharmacy, and went to work. I apologized profusely for being late but, as was clear for all to see, I had been involved in an accident. I fell off my bike on the way to work and hurt my arm. I went to the hospital and they told me the arm was not broken, just badly sprained. Not only was my lie believed but I was considered as a veritable hero for still turning up to work. Only light duties, and no early morning shifts, followed for the next few days. It was difficult at times to maintain the pretence but I got away with it. Only the very pretty, diminutive, blond haired, sixteen year old Janet from the record department knew of my taradiddle, learning of this the moment in the storeroom when I successfully undid her bra with my supposedly non-functioning limb! Before any of you start going on about me undoing bras of sixteen year old girls let me tell you I was only seventeen at the time and of an age when bra undoing was both exciting and extremely complex. Almost forty years on the excitement level has not waned and whilst I am now much more proficient at the removal of this undergarment I still fondly remember, and in many ways preferred, the magic of that fumbling around. Whilst lost with Janet in memory lane at the present time I will add to the story. Later that same bra fumbling day, the young and easily intimidated assistant manager, who was treated contemptuously by all of the shops female staff, asked Janet where a particular display stand was. Janet was brazen, even given her tender years, and replied that she had no idea of the whereabouts of said item. The assistant manager suggested she go down in the storeroom and look for the stand. Janet replied, looking at me and with a twinkle in her eye, ‘I have already been down in the storeroom once today and I will be fucked if I am going down again.’ She did and she was; happy days! So I am sure you can now see that I know how to lie properly and likely you will never believe another word I say. However due to having taken the time to properly learn this skill it is somewhat annoying to me that this art form is so badly performed here – lying that is, lest you still be thinking of Janet. If you have read my previous posts you will recall the story, where over a three week period, almost every member of the Jasmine Mansion staff used the same lie to explain a day’s absence from the hotel. This involved them having to go to Bangkok to visit their sister who had been injured in a motorbike accident. Even those whom I knew to be an only child had the temerity to spout this tale and this was much to my chagrin. Today I have to tell you of another pointless and transparent fabrication. This is made even worse by the fact as it was spun by a receptionist here, Pon, who has spent the last five years living in England. With Tony Blair as the country’s Prime Minister how on earth could she not have learnt how to lie properly? Pon was working her last few days, she being a rare exception in having given us notice of her intention to leave her job. She had to return to England so she would be quitting at the end of this month. Around midday two customers who had checked in for one night and stayed for two weeks were eventually departing, off to Bangkok for a couple of nights prior to returning home to the U.K. Pon had become rather friendly with these guests but she was a naturally outgoing person so nothing much was made of this initially. I then noticed that one of these guests would regularly arrive back at the hotel at eight in the morning claiming to have been out drinking all night. He would sit down, have breakfast and read the newspaper and then his book. He would also appear rather less disheveled than one would expect of a person who had been on the booze for twelve hours. I do not know about you but for me focusing on a newspaper after that level of alcoholic intake would be more than impossible. It was also strange that he always arrived here within ten minutes of Pon having started her shift! As is usually the case at this time of year we are very short staffed at the hotel. The Songkran festival sees many Thai people living in Pattaya return to their families for the New Year festivities and Mrs. Boss and I are left to do most of the work ourselves. Although we were both sure that Pon was having a relationship with this particular guest, a sackable offence, she was not conducting it at the hotel, she was leaving us shortly and we needed every pair of hands we could get. We therefore decided to play dumb and overlook the indiscretion whilst keeping a close eye on the account for this particular guest. The guest and his friend duly departed and a short while later I looked for Pon. I could not see her and imagined she had just popped out to buy some food. I waited for about thirty minutes before asking the other staff members if they knew where Pon was but I was met by only blank looks. My next thought was, given that we had recruited two new reception staff that day, Mrs. Boss had told Pon to go home for a few hours and return to help us in the evening, simply forgetting to tell me of her decision. When Mrs. Boss returned to the hotel I asked her about Pon but she was equally mystified as to her whereabouts. Mrs. Boss telephoned her and was told “I sorry but I got a message that my sister in Bangkok was involved in a motorbike accident and I had to rush here to see her.” To hear this lie again was more than either Mrs. Boss or I could bear, it had been put away a couple of months ago, worn out, seen through, no longer viable, yet here was Pon trotting it out as though it was original, bloody hell it was as though it were being handed down as some magical staff ‘get out of gaol free card.’ Mrs. Boss told Pon that she was not buying this story and suggested that she had gone to Bangkok with the customer with whom we believed she had been having an affair. I am told that Pon vehemently denied this but Mrs. Boss was not backing down. Pon was advised that staying well clear of our hotel in the future was the most advisable course of action to ensure her continued good health. Of course, we had no actual proof of any wrongdoing on Pon’s part. All we had were little bits and pieces that we had put together to form a picture. There still remained room for doubt as there does in many an investigation, however, later in the evening as we were driving home those lingering doubts were dispelled. Mrs. Boss and I were chatting away about the events of the day, in particular Pon’s disappearing act, when young James chipped in from the back seat ‘Daddy, Pon get into taxi with customer. I see her, she get in taxi which was outside the shop next door to the hotel.’ Guilty as charged! I suppose the moral of this tale, if there really is one, is that if you are going to try pulling the wool over the eyes of Mrs. Boss and I then make sure you have a bloody large flock of sheep at your disposal. As I finish this story I am left wondering where Janet is now. Mmmmmm, oh well, time to put the memories back in their box and return to work.

Nice to hear from you Dave and both Mrs. Boss and I hope that we will see you out here again. I know you had a damper put on your last visit but doubt very much that you would be so unfortunate again. We both send our warmest regards. I would like to see Songkran become a festival that attracts people from all over the world to Pattaya rather than something that sends everyone running for the hills. I have never been one for getting involved with committees or that sort of thing and I am even less inclined now I am living in a foreign land. However, I would happily join with other local business owners and city officials to help in any way I could to make Pattaya the Songkran capital of the world where everyone, visitors and residents, Thais and farangs could have a truly great experience and memories that will last a lifetime. Take Songkran away from the numbskulls and give it back to the people!

It has been an interesting couple of weeks since my return from Udonthani and Bangkok although the best news for me is that Songkran is now almost over….thank goodness! Sorry to sound like a real misery here but I abhor this awful week which I have now endured for the last three years and it just keeps getting worse. I believe Songkran goes on too long and a week of indiscriminate water throwing is starting to have a negative affect on Pattaya’s businesses. Whilst some will say “so what” I have to tell you that this will undoubtedly impact upon visitors here unless something is done. A reduction in income during April will result in business operators looking to recoup lost revenue at other times of the year through increased prices. There are now considerable numbers of tourists staying away from Pattaya in April and many residents leaving the city during this period. I have long believed that Songkran, as concerns the water throwing, should be restricted to, say, a couple of days. In this way it would create an almost ‘carnival’ atmosphere where everyone, even me, would likely participate to some degree. I also believe some areas should be ‘no water throwing zones’ so that those that want can stay dry and their possessions remain in one piece! Streets such as Soi Boukaow, or part of it at least, could be closed to traffic with bars, restaurants and hotels having food and drink stalls outside and a proper street festival with entertainment created. I would be more than delighted to participate in such an event. Of course, this week is not helped by the cerebrally challenged farangs who pay no heed to the time the throwing of water should cease nor show the necessary respect to those that request water is not thrown over them. Some people are dressed for work and have jobs to do, not everyone is on vacation! Personally I do not even go outside the hotel. I therefore have to get here early morning and leave late at night to avoid the regulation soaking. I am forced to do the café shopping late at night and Mrs. Boss and I find ourselves putting in sixteen hour days which is not a bucket load of fun! Well that rant over and off my chest I turn now to my book, the title for which is Riff-Raffles. The publication date is getting ever closer and the mix of excitement and utter dread is curdling away nicely in the pit of my stomach. A week or so ago I was contacted by a board member from Pattaya Talk who enquired about working with me to set up a Blog for any new stories that I may write following completion of the book. After a few e-mails back and forth we came to an agreement and he had this set up in a matter of days with background, extracts, new stories, reviews and comments sections. If any of you want to take a look at the Blog I would be most grateful and please feel free to make any comments you wish. Some of the extracts are those you will have already read on this site but others pre-date my posting to the forums. To look at the Blog simply go to www.riffraffles.com. The Blog stories will be serialized so they are not too much to read in one go and the first part of a new tale, not yet on the Blog, appears below. Following on from our, supposedly, possessed room maid we have recently entered another area of mysticism – Feng Shui. As I have said before, I am prepared to accept that there is more on earth than meets the eye, powers that we neither know nor understand and things that cannot be explained however scientifically they may be analysed. Despite this I am still a ‘you show me then I will believe it’ person. I am very sceptical of claims that my business will improve dramatically if I keep the toilet seat down or sit with my head up an elephants backside ten hours a day and the rest of the ‘mumbo-jumbo’, excuse the pun, which accompanies visits by these self proclaimed experts. Mrs. Boss, however, holds different views from me and I dare not argue against her when she becomes involved in such matters. First of all I will end up changing nothing with Mrs. Boss will sticking rigidly to her plans and secondly, I will become embroiled in a pointless argument that will likely result in my sleeping on the couch for a few days and withdrawal of my conjugal rights. What I know from past experience is that the Feng Shui consultant visits you and charges a fee for his few hours of walking around and drawing diagrams of your rooms. Whatever he charges you can be assured that you will need to multiply the figure by several hundred to get to the total cost you will be involved in by following the ‘suggestions’ that will be made in his report. The suggestions will contain numerous impractical measures which, unless you choose to demolish your building and have in reconstructed in a way that will accommodate the designs, just cannot be implemented. There will, of course, be ways you can offset the impractical suggestions by ‘balancing’ you negative aspects with positive symbols or whatever. The reality, though, is likely to be that you move your entire home or office around, balance the negative aspects with positive ones, and end up with everything in the same place as it was before. An expensive excuse for having a good ‘Spring clean’ if you ask me! My partner of years ago in England, Lucy, was also a Feng Shui devotee and she introduced a charming young Brazilian man to my business by the name of Marcio. Marcio visited my offices and chatted away for hours whilst I smiled and nodded regularly and agreed with everything he said. This agreement was simply due to the fact that I could not understand anything he said as a result of his being very softly spoken and having a heavy South American accent. The only thing I thought I understood I got terribly wrong. Apparently Marcio had told me I needed some good ‘Chi’ in all areas of my office and it was important I attended to this immediately. He promised to come back in a few days to check on the initial effects of what I had done and to deliver his report. He started then to ramble on and on again so I mentally switched off and eventually he departed. Marcio returned to my office a few days later as promised and immediately put his hands over his nose and started retching. He walked around the office area in this same pose for several minutes before dashing off to the bathroom. When he returned a wet handkerchief was now held over his nose and mouth making him even less understandable than had previously been the case. Eventually he said “Kevin what is that awful smell’. I was rather perplexed, Marcio was complaining about an awful smell that HE had ordered me to create! “That, Marcio, is the CHEESE that you told me to put all around the office.” Marcio left and never returned, my business went from strength to strength for which the same cannot be said of the now ‘steaming’ cheeses which were removed immediately Marcio had gone! He did leave his report and sent me a very nice letter a few weeks later saying that he would not be charging me. TO BE CONTINUED….on www.riffraffles.com

www.jasminemansion.com

"In this world rich with natural resources more precious than Gold, more rare than Painite is that stuff they call common sense, alas."

Longy. I do not know if any good to you but we can offer you a Standard Double room following a recent cancellation. The price is B16,500 for one month but INCLUDES breakfast (available daily to 13:00 and freshly cooked not buffet style), FREE WiFi and FREE pool table in lobby. We have a personal safe in all rooms and 24 hour reception, security door with pass key to guest areas and CCTV coverage of the lobby and hallways. Rooms are cleaned daily and have fridge/mini bar, air con, shower room, TV with cable connection, double beds. A DVD player can be provided for a small extracharge. There is no joiner fee for 1 additional guest. We are lcoated in the centre of Soi Baukaow between Soi Diana and Soi Honey and next to LK Metro. You can e-mail me on jasminemansion@mail.com or see full details and pictures on our web site at www.jasminemansion.com If I do not hear from you I wish you a good holiday anyway!! Regards, Kevin

5th April, 2007 Well that is it! I have finished writing my book and I completed the final proof reading earlier today. I had a meeting with the publishers, Bangkok Books, a few hours ago. They have given me to understand that the book will be published within the next two months, possibly before end May. I am presently experiencing considerable excitement, at the anticipation of seeing my name on the cover of a book, mixed with a paralysing fear that it will be viewed as the worst piece of literature ever to find its way into print. Well there is nothing I can do now except sit and wait. I was at something of a loose end on how to finish the book but my trip away to Nong Khai handed me the final piece of the jigsaw on a plate! This trip away also served to prove that I am fated to run headlong into situations I would prefer to avoid even when I am away from the madness that is Pattaya. Part of the final story for the book is now produced below. I was at a loss of how to bring this book to a conclusion. There would always be another story only a few days away and it may just be the best one yet. However, I decided that having spent a full two years in Thailand, since my short return visit to England in 2005, this was as appropriate a point in time as any. I had written the entire book whilst at work at Jasmine Mansion and, from the same place, conducted my first proof reading and editing exercise. In order to carry out the second, and hopefully final, proof reading I wanted to go away. I wanted to be somewhere I could relax and not be subjected to interruptions every five minutes or distracted by another ‘incident’ unfolding in front of my eyes. The north east of Thailand has always seemed to be considerably more relaxing to me than Pattaya or Bangkok. I had visited the town of Nong Khai, on the banks of the Mekong River, twice and on both occasions found it to be a calm and peaceful place. I decided that this would be my retreat, a place where I knew no-one and, as such, I would be assured of some peace and quiet. Having researched the town and accommodation on the internet I had a choice of two good quality hotels that appeared to provide the facilities I was looking for. One of these hotels offered views of the Mekong and the thought of looking out over this powerful river as I edited the book made my mind up for me. I was taken by taxi from Jasmine Mansion to the old Bangkok airport, which had recently re-opened for domestic flights, from where I flew to Udonthani. I was met in Udonthani by our family friend, Tom, who drove me to Nong Khai. The hotel arrangements had been kindly made by another family friend and we eventually arrived at my ‘artistic retreat’. I completed the check-in card and enquired as to whether the hotels internet access in the room was by ADSL line or WiFi connection. I was now informed that the hotel did not have an internet connection in the rooms. This was one of my main requirements, I may be away working on my book but I still have to read, and respond to, the numerous hotel e-mail enquiries I receive. Although disappointed, this was not the end of the world so I asked where the internet office was for the hotel guests, only to be told there wasn’t one. The friend who had booked the hotel for me knew that a connection to the internet was important and had been assured the hotel had such facilities. I was now getting irritated and being in a state of agitation was something I had travelled away to avoid. After considering matters for a moment the hotel clerk asked if I had my laptop with me. It was in my computer case, which lay open on the counter directly in front of him. This, however, was not a rhetorical question and I confirmed to the clerk that ‘‘yes” I did have my computer with me and “yes” in answer to his subsequent question, I did have the telephone connection line with me. He then advised that I could connect to the internet via the telephone line to the room and at last I started to relax a little. Then, just at the point where I was handing over my Credit Card, I enquired as to the cost of using this internet facility. “International dialing rates sir” he replied and I was immediately returned to my state of agitation. The hotel was two kilometers outside of the town therefore there was no easy alternative option and, as such, what was being offered, however ridiculous, would just have to do. As I was far from happy I requested to be shown the room before committing myself to a stay of one week. Thank goodness I did. I was taken up to the room which was just awful. It was mid afternoon, I had turned on all the room lights and fully opened the curtains and the room was still pitch black. There was a view of the river but the room was just far too depressing. There was no way I would be able to stay and work here although had I been contemplating suicide this place would actually have fitted the bill perfectly. It was then that I realised I was in a room when I had booked a Suite. I was going to be working and I wanted some space as most of my days would be spent inside my hotel accommodation. “Are you sure this is the correct room” I enquired of the bell-boy who assured me it was. I went back down to the reception area and asked the same question and received the same answer. “But I reserved a Suite. That is not a Suite is it?” “No sir, Suite full” the reception clerk told me. “Well why didn’t you tell me that as soon as I arrived?” “You book room not Suite” As I had not made the reservation personally there was a chance that my friend had made a mistake but I had the feeling that the check-in card I completed earlier mentioned Suite on it somewhere. I asked to look at the check-in card again. “Look there, it quite clearly says Room Type: Suite” I pointed to the appropriate place on the form. “Yes but Suite full’ “I appreciate that but my booking was for a Suite at two thousand-five hundred Baht a night. You are now offering me a smaller room for the same price” “Yes price two thousand-five hundred Baht a night. You reserve Suite Room” “But I am not getting a Suite am I? The Suites are all full so the price should be different” “You want Suite Room for two thousand-five hundred Baht a night?” “Yes” “Sorry sir Suite Room full” I turned to Tom who, even though he is Thai, was as mystified by the conversation as I and told him to get me out of the hotel before I did something that at the moment I may very well enjoy but, ultimately, live to regret. We journeyed to the other hotel I had read about and I enquired as to whether they had any availability. This hotel only had one available room, ironically, a Suite Room. They fared no better in the internet department but were within easy walking distance of the town centre where I remembered there to be at least two internet cafés. I asked to see the room and was taken up to what was most certainly a Suite. The room itself was dated and a little on the dark side but not to the degree that would have me slashing my wrists by teatime. As I turned to leave the room, having decided it would suit my purposes, a door from an adjoining room opened and a somewhat portly middle aged Thai lady, dressed only in a towel, appeared. She smiled at me and proceeded to the fridge where she removed a can of drink and returned to ‘her’ room. “Excuse me, what just happened there?” I enquired of the receptionist who was showing me the room. “Oh that was lady from next loom.” “Yes I rather thought as much but what was she doing in this room?” “Cannot stop her, she be here long time and she have key to door between her loom and this loom. When we have empty she use this loom as well.” “Are you telling me that if I take this Suite then the lady from the next door room can simply come in here whenever she wants?” “Yes but she nice lady and she pay for any drink she take from mini-bar” “TOM” I screamed. The plans to stay in Nong Khai now lay in tatters and my only thought was to return to Udonthani and hope I could get accommodation, and preferably a Suite, at the hotel I usually stay at when there. I had been up at seven that morning and did two hours work before the two and a half hour taxi ride to Bangkok. I spent an hour at the airport, an hour flying to Udonthani, thirty minutes waiting for my case and an hour journey to Nong Khai. I have spent another hour traipsing around hotels in Nong Khai and now face another hour’s journey back to Udonthani and still I was not certain of securing any accommodation. It was getting to the point where it would have been quicker to have got a flight back to London and my mood was most certainly not what it should have been! When we arrived at the hotel in Udonthani they did have a Suite available although only for two nights. I would then have to check-out for one night and return after that for the remainder of my stay. It was not perfect but then very little has been in the last two years, this was better than nothing. I managed to do two good days work. I was up early, breakfasted and then immediately set about the task at hand. I would finish in the late afternoon, have a meal followed by a short walk and then retire to bed before nine in the evening. The morning I was to depart for one night brought good news in that, although I would have to move to another room, I did not have to leave the hotel. My return to a Suite the following day was also confirmed. The packing and unpacking and changing of rooms meant that this was a less productive day but I was still making progress and keeping to my self imposed targets. The following morning I went down to the hotel reception and enquired as to when my Suite would be available. I was delighted to be told it would be ready in thirty minutes and headed back to the room I was presently occupying and gathered up my belongings before returning to the reception. “I have moved from Room 1506 here is the key, can I please have the key to my new room” I enquired of the receptionist. “You check-out now?” She replied “No, I am moving rooms” “You check-out room 1506 now” “Yes I have left room 1506 and I am going to my new room, it is a Suite but I do not know the number. I was told it would be ready now’ “You check out now?” “No. Can you just tell me what my new room number is and give me the key please” “Wait one minute please’ A minute, or rather several of them, passed before the receptionist returned. “Here you bill, you pay by Credit Card yes?” “Why do I have to pay a bill, I am not leaving the hotel?’ “You have to pay bill when you check-out” “But I am not checking-out I am simply moving rooms” “You cannot stay hotel and then not pay bill” “I have no intention of not paying the bill, I am happy to pay the bill, but I will pay the bill when I leave as is the policy here. You have a copy of my Credit Card so what is the problem?” “Problem is you check-out and tell me you not want pay bill” “Get me the manager” “I get manager but he will tell you same thing. You check-out you pay bill” I waited, seething, for a further ten minutes before the manager arrived although this person appeared to me more like the mangers youngest son than the manger himself. I went through another life-sapping episode with the manager making the same lack of headway. In the end I just gave up. I paid the bill for the three nights I had spent in the two different rooms and left the hotel. I walked out through the main doors, turned around and walked directly back in and up to the reception desk where I was confronted by the same receptionist. “Hello my name is Kevin Meacher, here is my passport, here is my Credit Card, I believe you have a Suite room reserved for me for four nights from today” “Yes Mr. Meacher, welcome to our hotel” she said as if she had never seen me before in her life!!!!!!!!!!!! THE END…….or is it???????

Kev, thanks for that but it was the article I referred to in my post related to that story. What is pertinent is that the matter is to be investigated by the 'local police'. This is the same as someone going to trial and being allowed to pick 12 friends to be their jury! These guys work in tandem with the local police otherwise the scam would not work and they share the proceeds. Also, as I said earlier, I would not fancy being the underwriter on the shop owners Life assurance although I admire his bravery in the face of these guys. Nothing will happen to the guilty officers, nothing ever does!

19th March, 2007 If ever there was a place to push you to the limits, a place that could snap you like a twig, then that place is surely Pattaya. There are times when I wonder why I put myself through this and whether the certain heart attack is really worth having. This is one such time and the last week or two have been like living in hell on earth. This analogy is further enhanced by virtue of the fact that that hell is probably one or two degrees cooler than Pattaya at the present time. Why is it that the Thai people cannot simply tell the truth? I am aware that to some level they say things they think you want to hear rather than what may be more unpalatable facts. However, this cannot be the only explanation and sometimes it appears as though they feel they have a divine right to lie. Recent examples of this truth avoidance are now provided for your delectation as follows: A few weeks ago one room maid requested a day off. We had to decline as we already had staff away, we explained this to her. As usual her request for a day off was made thirty seconds before she headed home for the night. This is despite us regularly telling every member of staff to give us much notice as possible in order to avoid such a situation, of course, they do not listen. The following morning she did not show up for work, which was much as I had expected. Later in the day she telephoned a colleague to say she had to go and see her sister who, the previous evening, had been involved in a motorcycle accident. Two days after this a receptionist failed to arrive for work and again a colleague received a telephone call to say she had to go and see her sister who, the previous evening, had been involved in a motorcycle accident. The exact same story was then put forward by another member of staff shortly after that and by yet another the day after that. I received the fifth “I cannot come to work as I have to go and see my sister who has been involved in a motorcycle accident” excuse yesterday. I suppose I am angrier at the complete lack of any ingenuity rather than these pathetic lies themselves plus the fact they must think Mrs. Boss and I are soft in the head. In future when interviewing prospective employees my first question will be “Do you have a sister”. If I should receive an affirmative response I will ask “Can you please tell me the future dates she is going to be involved in a motorcycle accident in order that I can factor them into the staff roster!!” Example number two comes from our taxi company, who to be fair are normally very reliable. Today they let us down having got the days of a mini-bus collection to take six guests back to the airport mixed up. After calling them they advised the mini-bus would be with us in fifteen minutes. After twenty minutes they told us the driver was in Soi Baukaow and was therefore only a minute or two away. A further five minutes later they said he was still in Soi Baukaow but stuck in traffic. I ventured outside and the limited traffic on the soi was flowing freely, this was not a market day. Now, thirty minutes after the appointed time, I called again and was told he was outside the hotel. “I am outside the fucking hotel and unless I have some form of mini-bus blindness he is not here” I responded. Another fifteen minutes passed and still no mini-bus and still they were adamant he was here. I enquired as to whether perhaps the driver had been involved in an accident with a group of female motorcyclists all of whom had relatives working at Jasmine Mansion. My cynical remark, of course, meant nothing to the taxi company. A further five minutes went by and although my guests were relaxed, having given themselves more than ample time to make their flight, I was like a coiled spring and a bloody hot one at that. “Will somebody, just one person out of the sixty million or so inhabitants of this bloody country, just tell the fucking truth for once, please? Now where is the fucking mini-bus?’ I barked at the owner of the taxi company. “He coming, he coming” was the reply. Another ten minutes passed before the mini-bus arrived, a full one hour late. I was so close to taking a baseball bat to the driver’s head when he got out of the mini-bus wearing one of those typical big stupid grins across his face! The third and final example really tops everything. We were busy early Sunday morning for breakfast with our hotel guests and non-residents who had come in to watch the Australian Grand Prix. In the middle of this the cook advised me that we had run out of gas for the stove and that she had also forgotten to order a spare. Actually what she said was “I asked Mrs. Boss to order gas yesterday but she must have forgotten’. This was another ridiculous lie as three days earlier Mrs. Boss had gone to Udonthani and therefore could not have been asked to get gas, or anything else for that matter. We telephoned the gas suppliers, also usually reliable, but received no answer. I asked the reception staff and cook to keep trying continuously until the received an answer. After an hour or so the gas company answered the phone and took our order. They advised that they would be able to deliver some gas in about six hour’s time, compared to the usual five minutes it takes, and that we were very lucky. Now why do you think it is that we have to consider ourselves fortunate? Well this is the actual reason given: “On the third week of every month all gas suppliers in Thailand are closed” You really do not need me to tell you what I said to that as I am sure you can all too easily guess? My present joyous mood was further enhanced last night. I went to bed at around midnight. I am presently staying at the hotel whilst Mrs. Boss is away. I managed to fall asleep just after one in the morning. An hour later I was awoken by our night receptionist to advise he could not find the keys to one of the guest rooms. I asked if he had looked everywhere and he assured me a thorough search had been conducted but to no avail. I dressed and went downstairs. I sat at the reception counter and started checking the key boxes to make sure this key had not been placed in the wrong holder. I then asked the night receptionist if he had checked the spare key box used by the room maids. He was adamant he had checked this along with everywhere else. I picked up the spare key box and there, right on top, were the ‘missing’ keys. I went back to bed. I ignored his “Sorry boss”. I managed to get back to sleep at five in the morning. Two hours and thirty minutes later my alarm clock woke me. Oh what a joyous place this is to work!! I imagine many of you think that I either make these stories up or considerably exaggerate the truth. If you do then let me tell you nothing is further from the truth. I have two friends who have both recently taken over businesses here. One friend has been running his business for a month and employs one Thai person. The other has been running his cafe since the beginning of the year and he has two Thai staff. Both of these friends have been in to see me in the last twenty four hours on the verge of quitting. They have both told me that I am guilty of considerably understating the problems faced running a business here and in dealing with Thai employees. I know I should feel sorry for them but, in truth, all I can think is how good it is to know this shit is not just happening to me!!! TO BE CONTINUED…………..

14th March, 2007 I have not had the chance to regale you with my tales of misfortune over the last month or so but there have been some very good reasons for this. The past month has been something of a ‘Curates Egg’ which I suppose rather typifies life here in what people refer to as LOS. I believe this should actually be LOSG – Land of Smoke and Glass. Nothing is ever as it seems here is it? If you holiday here then you never really understand what is going on below the surface and believe me, that is for the best. For those of us here permanently we see more than sometimes we wish but we are still very much in the dark about many of the machinations that are constantly underway. From the business perspective life has been good, very good in fact. February was even busier than January with our occupancy at around 98%. March is even better if you can believe that? This past month we have had only one room vacant for one night and the next couple of weeks look likely to remain the same. Although our advance bookings for April are rather disappointing at the present time May, June and July are already booked to higher occupancy levels than we recorded for those months last year. I owe a thank you to the Pattaya forums for helping our business continue its successful path. I am now able to extract statistics on what brings our customers here and approximately 25% first learn about Jasmine Mansion from the forums. With around 75% of our bookings being from returning guests or recommendations from previous guests we are presently not reliant in any way upon walk-in business. Our Café has really started to gain a good reputation and the number of customers is increasing regularly. Some mornings we actually have customers standing and waiting for a table to become available. This rather surprises me as I did not realise so many people got up before midday in Pattaya! On the book front I have made some progress. The book itself was finished in late February since which time I have been undertaking the proof reading and editing. This is a slow and arduous task and one that requires a level of concentration I find hard to muster. I knew that this would not be an easy job, however, it is proving to be significantly more difficult than I had ever imagined. As you may recall from previous reports I had planned a visit to Nong Khai to undertake the proof reading. This has unfortunately had to be put on hold as my mother-in-law has been taken ill requiring Mrs. Boss to go up to Udonthani for an indefinite period. I am therefore plodding, rather than ploughing, ahead!! I have always maintained that the fun of life is the never knowing what is round the next corner. You can simply round the bend and find yourself standing there holding a winning lottery ticket. Alternatively you can traverse a corner only to find yourself unable to get out of the path of a speeding ten ton truck that is destined to splatter you all over the sidewalk. My recent corner turning, suffice to say, did not see me holding the winning lottery ticket! There are a lot of things here that you have to accept regardless of how much they may irk you. This is Thailand and there are different rules to life here and, well, one either ‘puts up and shuts up’ or one gets on a plane and goes home. Despite knowing this there are the occasional incidents which serve to drive you mad with rage and frustration and such was the incident that occurred at the hotel last week. During the day two Thai gentlemen came into the hotel to use our internet facilities. Although I thought this a little strange, as Thai people tend to use the many cheaper establishments around, I paid little attention. Mrs. Boss and I were just about to go out to visit our lawyers regarding a property transaction we are presently involved with so other things were on our minds. We carried out our business with the lawyer and then went on a provision buying trip for the hotel which lasted several hours. Everything takes that much longer to do at the moment as we have the boys in tow. It is the school holidays so they are around all day every day for the next two months. I love my children with all my heart but trying to run a business, write a book and amuse them at the same time is rather stressful! After our shopping trip Mrs. Boss took us home and I was left to look after the boys whilst she returned to the hotel. Minutes before her arrival the hotel was full of plain clothed and uniformed police officers. They were shouting at everyone to stand still whilst they removed one of our computers and its accessories. They claimed we had been downloading illegal music and arrested our receptionist whom they forcefully bundled into a car. The appeared not at all concerned there were several farang witnesses to their excessive use of force. Upon learning what had transpired Mrs. Boss immediately returned to her car to drive to the police station. However, before she reached her intended destination, she was involved in an accident being hit by a car exiting a side road without looking to see if there was any oncoming traffic! Mrs. Boss had to wait around for over an hour whilst the traffic police and insurance representatives visited the scene and made reports before she could continue on to the police station. When she arrived she was immediately arrested and our receptionist was released. After refusing to pay the fifty thousand baht claimed Mrs. Boss was promptly thrown into a cell. I understand from a neighbour, who had been arrested for the same alleged crime, that Mrs. Boss did not go quietly and stood firm footed in the centre of the police station pointing at the assembled officers and telling them “You are all filthy animals. You are the scum of Thailand. Whatever you do to me I can promise you it will visit you ten times worse in the future”. I doubt those police officers involved took the threat as seriously as they should. It is likely they do not know that this is the woman who predicted the Tsunami destroying Phuket twelve months to the day before it struck! Mrs. Boss spent the night in the cells and was none too happy! She did manage to negotiate a reduction in the fine to fifteen thousand baht before eventually securing her release. When she returned to the hotel we replayed our lobby area CCTV coverage and clearly saw the gentlemen who visited us the previous afternoon inserting a disc into one of our computers. The same two gentlemen were also seen on the CCTV footage that recorded the evening raid on our premises. It became clear to us that they had loaded whatever it was they claimed to be illegal themselves, hence they knew exactly which computer to take away with them that evening. Mrs. Boss now headed back to the police station and demanded the return of our computer. It will probably not surprise any of you to learn that not only was there no computer but there was also no record of any incident involving our hotel or her arrest! It is the frustration that accompanies this incident that has affected me more than anything. Of course I do not want to give away fifteen thousand baht plus a computer but losing these is not the end of the world. The real problem is simply not being able to do anything about it. I have just got to accept this as part of life in Thailand where those whose duty it is to serve and protect are only here to serve and protect their own interests. Earlier today I was sent an article by a friend, who was a guest here at the time of this incident, from ‘Pattaya People’ which reported a similar incident at a South Pattaya phone shop the day following our experience. The article had several photographs accompanying it that the brave shop owner took, clearly visible in these pictures are all of those involved in our incident. If I were that shop owner I would be inclined to leave town rather quickly and assume a new identity! The article did bring a smile to my face when it informed that an anonymous source had identified the men in the pictures as genuine police officers and that the matter was being investigated by the local police. The fact is that these guys are police officers from Bangkok and the local police collude with them, and share the spoils. Any investigation is going to be nothing more than them all sitting around a table, drinking beer, counting their cash and laughing their heads off. Through this incident we lost a good receptionist. The lady arrested was traumatised by her experience and has decided to leave Pattaya. I cannot say I blame her and will confess to having had the same thought myself over the last week. I will, however, simply content myself with my belief in fate and knowledge that very often ‘what goes around comes around’ or, as Mrs. Boss would put it, ‘Whatever you do to me I can promise you it will visit you ten times worse in the future.’ Actually we also have a few irons in the fire that are slightly more proactive than waiting for fate to lend a hand but it is better for all of us if I keep these to myself. So, as you can now see for yourselves, a ‘Curates Egg’ of a month. However, despite recent events I remain positive and fully expect to meet myself around the next corner clutching the winning lottery ticket. No doubt though, in the excitement, I will lose concentration and get hit by yet another ten ton truck! Finally, I ask for your patience as I try to undertake the many tasks that are on my presently rather full plate. I intend to keep writing the diary articles despite the book having been completed. These tales were originally only ever intended for the forums and the book has just been a spin off from them. Alas, you cannot get rid of me so easily. TO BE CONTINUED………….

The Credit Card facilities are now in place for payments by Visa or MasterCard.

Jasmine Mansion, Soi Baukaow We have always received very positive reviews from the Pattaya Forums and again I thank all of you who have posted comments about our hotel. We have always listened to what our customers have to say and react positively wherever we are able. In this regard I am pleased to announce that we will be in a position to accept payment by Credit Card (Visa or MasterCard) by end March, 2007. Full details will be available to those enquiring once this system is in place. Three weeks go we installed a new pool table into the hotel lobby and whilst this has been well received by all guests it has failed to improve my game in any shape or form! We are presently costing the installation of double glazing to the first and second floor rooms that face onto Soi Baukaow. The increase in activity and traffic in the area has inevitably led to an increase in noise levels and we will therefore endeavour to combat this. Our Summer Season rates start from 1st May and we will be introducing some special offers for forum members to go along with the daily, weekly and monthly rates applicable during this period. Details of these offers will be posted as and when applicable or available when you make a booking enquiry. Best Regards, Kevin Meacher

ISSUE 13…… First of all let me update you with progress on my soon to be published book – I still cannot quite believe this is going to happen but will enjoy the feeling nonetheless!! I am now up over 50,000 words so only another 10,000 to reach my target and this should be done in the next couple of weeks. I imagine by the time I have finished I will be at 70,000 words which will give me some flexibility when I proof read and edit everything. I am planning a trip to Nong Khai to sit overlooking the Mekong whilst I do the editing as I will need some peace, quiet and calm which is not easily found here in Pattaya. Although my home is in a peaceful area it is inhabited by my three children and their friends so working there is also a non starter. All in all I believe I am on course to meet my own deadline of having everything done to hand over to the publishers by end March – then it is down to them. Sometimes I sit in the hotel finding myself wishing for some minor disaster to occur so that I can write another story! I have started to loathe these days of normality where everyone behaves impeccably and all of our guests are absolutely charming. Perhaps news of my reports had filtered through to the outside world and the likely suspects no longer favour my establishment for fear of their sins being exposed!! It is therefore rather ironic that as I should be having these thoughts one of our contractors decides to jolt me back to reality by endeavouring to blow up the hotel. No he was not planning sticks of dynamite around the building – although he may as well have been. In fact his job was one not normally associated with demolition – he was a sign fitter. Having set up our WiFi connection we decided to commission a new neon sign for the café advertising the WiFi availability for our customers. The sign was duly delivered, it looked excellent and Mrs. Boss explained clearly to the fitter where the sign was to be placed. As is usual here the contractor nodded his complete understanding and Mrs. Boss and I departed for Sriratcha where my eldest son was performing in a school production that evening. Actually the truth is that my son had told us he was in a school production that day, however, he had made a mistake and it was in fact five days later! I think it best that I do not bother you with the way Mrs. Boss reacted having just driven to Sriratcha and knowing she had to do the same trip the next day to pick him up from school, two days later to return him to school and then again two days after that for the actual day of the production. I will just give you the rather obvious fact that Mrs. Boss was not a happy woman!! We returned from Sriratcha and, fortunately, decided to pay a quick visit to the hotel rather than heading directly home. As we approached the new sign looked, from a hundred meters away, rather splendid and Mrs. Boss and I glanced at each other and nodded our agreement. However, as we neared the hotel we noticed little sparks emanating from the vicinity of the new sign that were rather a worrying and unnecessary additional touch. As we reached the hotel and stood by the sign it became glaringly, in several senses of the word, obvious that yet again a Thai descendant of Fred Karno had been at work. The electric cable from the sign was a staggering 20 centimeters long when a cable of at least 3 meters was always going to be the minimum length required. In order to fix the shortage of cable an extension block and extension cable had been attached rather more poorly than one would expect from a blind man who was drunk and had lost the use of all limbs. This extension block and the cabling either side hung limply below the sign no doubt just waiting for a drop of rain to hit the exposed wires and set off some magical display! This, however, was only the minor problem. The sign had been erected on the main electricity junction box pole bringing the supply into the hotel. It had been positioned in such a way that it nestled comfortably next to the supply cables causing the sparks to fly that we had seen only moments before. Now as if this was not bad enough upon closer and rather circumspect inspection we noticed that our main power supply box was hanging a tad more limply than would be proper. The reason for this being that these dunderheads had removed the bolts that held the junction box to the pillar and used them to hold up the sign!!!! In all reality it is highly unlikely that Al-Queda’s top operatives could have devised a more certain way of destroying a building. This complete botch of a job was not only a serious danger to passing pedestrians and vehicles but also very likely to start a major fire thus burning the hotel to the ground whilst incinerating our guests. Now whilst I will freely admit that the idea of incinerating guests is sometimes one that I take pleasure in contemplating, although usually it only applies to the odd one every now and again, it is certainly not relevant to any we have staying with us at the present time. Mrs. Boss was her usual masterful self and launched into yet another one of her now famous tirades of abuse at the contractors. It is usually at this point that humble apologies follow from whoever is on the receiving end of Mrs. Boss’s vented spleen and a chain of events starts that leads to the eventual successful conclusion of the work as ordered. It was therefore rather a surprise to me that the contractors proceeded to argue the case for the defence when a simple guilty plea was really the only way out – a plea of insanity would, of course, also have been acceptable and highly appropriate. They even shouted at Mrs. Boss and I was at this point sure blood, theirs, was soon going to be spilled and probably enough of it would splatter over the exposed wires causing the incineration programme to commence. They even told her what they had done was safe telling her “We should know we have been doing this type of work for years” a fact already known to Mrs. Boss who had these two brothers for several years. Mrs. Boss, rather than shouting even louder or reaching for a heavy object, spoke calmly albeit her voice was cold and her eyes piercing. “If you actually knew what you were doing then you would not have only one working arm” she said to one brother and to the other “you would not have only one working leg”. She added “and if you do not do remove this sign and its lame excuse for wiring this instant then replace the bolts into the supply box you will no longer have the use of your remaining working limbs”. Fortunately this was enough and the message permeated there brains. They duly carried out the tasks as requested and departed with the sign. Mrs. Boss spoke to these contractors the next day to have them come to the hotel to collect the drawing we had done for them showing the type of frame necessary to hold the sign and keep it far enough away from the supply box for safety purposes. They stopped by and suggested that their may be an extra charge but the look on Mrs. Boss’s face was enough for them to quickly tell us that in the circumstances this would be waived. At least they were learning! The following day my mood was not permitted to improve much as we had a series of minor problems. Now these problems in isolation were as nothing compared to the fiasco with the new sign of previous days. However, a series of relatively minor irritations soon build up to become a bloody great rash and one finds oneself being pulled in so many different direction your life takes on a remarkable resemblance to that of a rag doll in the mouth of a Rottweiler who is in a rather bad temper. This always appears to be the case in life doesn’t it? There you are going along without so much as a care in the world when you do not just hit a bump but a series of them all in one go. I had spent the morning unblocking sinks and toilets of which several appeared to have become blocked at the simultaneously. I suppose I should have seen this as an omen or portent of things to follow but I did not. The sink blockages were shortly followed by several calls to the reception desk by guests complaining of no water. Now this was a complete mystery to me as, upon investigation, the water pump appeared to be working fine and the hotel water tanks full to capacity. Our regular maintenance man arrived later than I had hoped but immediately set about the task of identifying the problem and getting the water supply back on to the rooms. Now I am the first person to understand the considerable inconvenience a lack of water is to a guest of the hotel. As it is my hotel I am very apologetic and I explain the situation and what we are doing to remedy the problem to those that ask. I also put up a sign on the main door to the guest areas and a notice was delivered to all rooms explaining the situation and what action we were taking. However, I was not in a position to give anyone a cast iron guarantee of when the problem would be resolved as I did not know its nature thus how long it would take to remedy. I am only human, there is only so much explaining and apologising a man can do. It is therefore unlikely that anyone would be able to maintain even a modicum of civility when one guest asks the same bloody question “When will the water be back on?” every ten minutes. He called me from his room phone several times before changing tack and coming downstairs at ten minute intervals with the kind of regularity that you could set your clock by and always to ask the same question. This was despite my having promised him most faithfully that I would let him know immediately I had any information and, of course, I apologised more times than could be considered good for my health. He became more and more agitated with each appearance as every sinew in me strained wanting to simply tell him to “Fuck Off” – I was prepared to help him pack his cases; drive him to another hotel and return every baht he had ever paid me – I was sick to death of him. Of course, I managed to control myself although it was undoubtedly clear from my tone and the curtness of my responses that I was tiring of his incessant intrusions. Now the maintenance man was at work, there were tools all over the floor and the café was full. It was then I heard a customer saying “This is cold” in reference to a plate of Chilli and Rice he had just recently been presented with. My main cook was on a day off, legitimately this time, and her assistant was in charge of the cooking. Unfortunately heating up Chilli had so far not formed part of her basic training and straight out of the fridge onto a plate it went! More bloody apologies issued forth from my lips and, of course, the meal was provided free of charge. I did tell the cook the Chilli was not hot when returning it to the kitchen but she confused this with the relative spiciness and simply chopped up a few chillis and mixed them into the food on the plate! Exasperated I produced another bowl of chilli and duly heated it whilst hoping that she was quite clear of what action was required in the future. The now steaming Chilli plate was served to the customer with me again required to offer my humble apologies. Having resolved the Chilli situation I returned to see how our maintenance man. As I approached he uttered what I presume the Thai for “oops” is and pointed towards the downstairs gentlemen’s toilet. “Oops” did not quite do justice to the scene as I opened the door to see water gushing up and over the top of the w.c. and shooting out of pipes as if there were no tomorrow – at this moment I was quite convinced there was actually not going to be a tomorrow and was rather happy with that thought! Just as the bathroom Tsunami subsided and several staff members were paddling around with mops and buckets I was beckoned by one of my receptionists. “Boss, man check out loom three zero one forget to give back key and new customer ready to check in”. Great, absolutely bloody fantastic. “Well just use the spare key for now” I suggested rather bemused at why the receptionist had not thought of this herself. “Cannot” “Why not?” “Room Maid have spare key for loom” “Well for goodness sake just get the room maid to bring the key down here now” my patience already long since departed I was now shouting. The ramifications of shouting at members of staff quickly came back to my mind. I backtracked. “Sorry, it has been a bad afternoon. Would you please ask one of the room maids to kindly return the spare key to reception?” “Cannot” “For pity’s sake why can’t you” I was now imploring, I actually wanted to cave her head in with an iron bar but settled instead to implore. “Room maid leave spare key in loom, lock the door” Now it is the room maid’s head that is in grave danger of having another cranial cavity added to it and I am so rattled by the events of the last couple of hours that any clarity of thought is well beyond me. I know we have a third set of keys but where they are I know not. Mrs. Boss has been away from the hotel for the period of this series of minor disasters so I have to call her. My mood was not at all improved by her telling me the keys were in her office the key to which was in her bag and her bag was with her and she was in Rayong! Why she was in Rayong I had no idea, she told me she was going to see one her friends who, as far as I knew, still lived only a few hundred meters up the road. I was, however, not in the mood and did not have the time to discuss why she was fifty kilometers away from where I had imagined. So now what are we going to do now? I for once do not have the faintest idea of how to remedy this situation. It is surely the time just to give up! However, before I drew what should have been my final breath I remembered that here is a locksmith’s stall just along the street. I sent one of the staff down there as quickly as possible to get him to come in and change the lock. The locksmith did his job in no time at all and, in fact, finished approximately fifteen seconds before the room maid guilty of leaving the key in the room walks up to me smiling and tells me with pride “Boss I find key, I not leave in loom, was in my pocket” I just stood and stared, I smiled back “Thank you” I said and as I took the key. I was a beaten man. A couple of hours passed as the water supply was restored; the flooded bathroom was cleared up; nobody else had been served cold Chilli; Mrs. Boss was back from her trip to a temple in Rayong with her friend and the hotel had returned to relative normality. I decided I deserved a beer and took a Heineken and sat down outside to relax and simply undertake my favourite pastime of watching the world pass by. As I glanced around I saw a gentleman sitting at one of our other outside tables. “Are you OK? Is there anything I can get for you?” I enquired “Well yes actually I was just wondering if you knew when my room would be ready” “I will check for you sir, what room would that be” “401” We had left the guy sitting around for over two hours after solving the key problem and nobody had thought to mention to him that he could go to his room!!! TO BE CONTINUED……

No, but if she did they would probably be the best golf lessons in the world!!

Vidman - good to hear from you. Robbie Williams cancellation capped off a fine musical year for me. I was taking my daughter and her friend to see the Black Eyed Peas when they had a one night show in Bangkok. Due to a mentally defecient taxi driver who refused to listen to my directions having been to the arena on two previous occassions he insisted he knew best. Well he got us off the freeway with two hours to go before the start of the concert and smack bang into the middle of Bangkok Friday night traffic. 5 hours later and despite the concert having been delayed for over 30 minutes we arrived to hear the final song!!!! It is rare that I reach the point of being beyond rage but that night I did!!

At Jasmine Mansion I endeavour to reply to all e-mails within 24 hours, often a lot sooner - the main delays being related to the time difference between here and where the message is coming from or if I happen to be ill or away from the hotel. However, many customers have told me of numerous establishments, primarily Thai managed, where responses are very slow or even not forthcoming at all. I can only add that this is not limited to hotels in Thailand but almost every business I have dealt with here be they Thai companies or International ones. For example, 10 e-mails and 12 telephone calls to Walls Ice Cream in Bangkok went unreplied to and I was eventually forced into calling Uniliver (the parent company) in the U.K. before I received any action - Nestle were not better. I have had similar experiences trying to have the hotel listed on various travel web sites getting a quick initial response followed by a whole load of nothing. I could go on and on but think you already will have got the point! I simply cannot understand anyone not treating e-mails with the same degree of importance as any other form of communication especially as this is now the most common form of contact in the hotel business. I have a good computer system for the hotel which keeps detailed statistics of where my customers hear about us, the method of contact and so forth - over 91% of our bookings are made via an e-mail request for accommodation - with those sort of figures ignoring e-mails can seriously damage your business!!

Newsflash – As a prelude to this latest episode I have some news for you. Having been buoyed by the many positive comments about the Diary on this and other forums and encouraged by a few friends and acquaintances I decided to send these articles to a Book Publishing house in Bangkok. After a few weeks of waiting, sending information and waiting some more I was stunned to receive a positive response last week saying that they want to publish the Diary as a book. I had never expected them to say yes and have spent the last few days in shock as well as being paralysed with fear - can you imagine my acute embarrassment if this comes out as a book and nobody buys it? Anyway, I now have to do some hard work and write the account of my life here in Thailand from late 2004 when I arrived – I am already up to March 2005 so progressing, albeit slowly and painfully. I have already learnt that writing the historical accounts are much more difficult than simply relating the tales of events fresh to the mind as I have been doing these past few months. The publishers originally indicated that I should not continue to write the stories on the Pattaya forums; however, after a recent meeting with them in Bangkok they have agreed that I may continue to post a selection of the latest events as they unfold. I am delighted with this agreement as were it not for these forums and the responses I have received then there would be no talk of a book – it is you I have to thank for getting me this far. It is beyond strange to think that I may become a published author as a result of my response to the only negative review we have ever received on the hotel - Mightyone I may well now owe you more than one beer!!!! So thanks guys, your support thus far has been greatly appreciated especially here on Pattaya Talk where it all started and I will keep you posted on how the book is shaping up. Issue 12…….. I have often thought how similar life running an hotel is to the hit British television show of the 1970’s ‘Fawlty Towers’ starring the superb John Cleese as the manic hotel proprietor Basil Fawlty and his rather feisty golf playing wife Sybil, the awesome Prunella Scales. The proprietors were ably (?) assisted by the chambermaid/waitress/receptionist/general dogs-body Polly (the American actress Connie Booth who co-wrote the series with Cleese and was married to him at the time) and added to the mix was and the Spanish waiter, Manuel, played by Andrew Sachs, whose English speaking skills were only marginally more limited than his skills in the restaurant. There were only a dozen Fawlty Towers episodes over two series and despite it being some 30 years old it remains as funny today as it was at the time although for me now, it all appears rather apposite. Prior to my venture into the hotel industry here at Jasmine Mansion I watched the Videos or DVD’s or re-runs and would often cower in my chair with embarrassment as Basil lurched from one disaster to another. I would cringe at the way he spoke to guests being either plain rude or fawning to them simply because they were rich or titled people. Basil could never get it right and Sybil was always on hand to point out the error of his ways. Sybil also wore the trousers in the relationship and Basil was genuinely afraid of her, although here he was not alone. Workmen and staff were also aware that one lash from Sybil’s tongue could send a grown man flying from one side of the room to the other. I recall in one episode Sybil saying to Basil “If I find out you have been gambling you know what will happen?” to which Basil replied “Yes, but you will have to sow them back on first dear”, this rather accurately paints the picture of their relationship. OK so why am I writing a review on a sitcom from the 1970’s? Well firstly to give some background to those of you who do not know the show but, more pertinently, to tell you I now view it from a different perspective to the point where I often feel as though I am starring in the modern day re-make!! I have some staff who resemble Polly in that they will do anything and everything one throws at them. I have and have had, however, rather more employees who in one way or the other resemble the hapless Manuel. My wife, the dear Mrs. Boss has never seen Fawlty Towers yet appears to imitate Sybil in almost every characteristic. OK Mrs. Boss does not play golf – and of that I am eternally grateful and I will explain this in more detail in a minute. However, the real clincher is that not only do a number of our guests also resemble those from the show but the similarity of incidents is rather scary. One episode was based around an elderly woman who claimed she had some money stolen from her room. The lady concerned was rather bombastic; she was deaf and did not turn on her hearing aid “it wears out the batteries” and she just refused to listen. Well at 02:30 the other day I was pitched right into this particular episode. A customer had checked in that afternoon and as with many an incoming guest he was tired after a long flight. He followed the normal routine of taking a shower, getting changed and then heading out to the bars. He returned in the early hours, rather worse for wear which the combination of alcohol and sleep deprivation will produce, and headed to his room. A few minutes later he was down at reception shouting, swearing and calling the receptionist all the names he could think of. He was alleging someone had been to his room, opened his safe and stolen B36,000 whilst he was out. The receptionist immediately called Mrs. Boss which understandably had the effect of waking us both. I was a meter away from the phone but I could still hear the customers raised voice and rich use of the English language. After waking ourselves sufficiently Mrs. Boss readied herself to dash off to the hotel whilst I told the receptionist to go with the customer to his room to double check everything he was saying about the incident. I told Mrs. Boss to wait a few minutes until the receptionist called back and we sat trying desperately not to fall back to sleep after first flushing the mobile phone down the toilet. The call came back “OK boss no problem, customer find money”. My first feeling was just one of relief – any form of theft from a customer’s room is my worst fear from a business perspective and from his safe – well how on earth do you recover from that? As I sighed and thought of nothing but returning to my slumber I enquired “What do you mean it is all OK – how is the money there now when it was missing 10 minutes ago?” Well what it transpired had occurred was that said guest put his money in the safe before going out but obviously did not close and lock the door. On returning to his room he noticed the safe door was open and wildly leapt to the conclusion he had been robbed – he did not bother to check inside the safe!! Now I know most of my staff are crackers but none of them are safe crackers of that I am certain!! Profuse apologies followed and the next morning said customer wandered in and out of the hotel very embarrassed and unable to look any of us in the eye. I spoke to him, told him not to worry and all was well. However, this is another case of the delights of running an hotel and how real life here so closely resembles my favourite television comedy. Perhaps someone will find this book a good basis for a movie with Fawlty Towers relocated from its original setting of Torquay in south west England to the rather more boisterous city of Pattaya. I can see John Cleese playing yours truly having been divorced by Sybil and hauling all of his hang ups here to the Land of Smiles. He meets and marries a wonderful Thai lady with whom he opens up a small hotel in Pattaya – my suggestion is that the role of Mrs. Boss be played by Lucy Liu!! Now a few minutes ago I was talking about the fact that Mrs. Boss does not play golf. Well, the only times I have witnessed her wielding a golf club was during a few days holiday we enjoyed together in Phuket some three years ago. I had been granted permission to holiday alone in Hua Hin in the good old days when holidaying meant ME going away as opposed to being host to those who have the nerve to go and enjoy themselves. My trip to Hua Hin was in order to learn how to play golf – this was at the time when my naivety led me to believe life in Thailand was going to be taking the form of semi retirement and days wandering around golf courses would be the norm. Our hotel in Phuket had its own driving range which, full of my enthusiasm for this new found pastime, I decided to avail myself of. One morning Mrs. Boss thought to join me as I belted one out of every ten shots somewhere off the mat and in the general direction I was aiming. The range supervisor was quick to spot my dear wife and showed her how to hold the club and hit the ball – he stood back for attempt number 1 and I stopped to watch, ready to laugh I must admit!! Thwack! The ball went straight as a dye and smashed the net at the end of the range. Beginners luck. Ball number two was placed and thwack again, the same result as the first shot. Thwack, thwack, thwack followed and feelings of golfing inadequacy engulfed me as she achieved with no tuition whosoever what I had failed to do after a weeks worth of paid for lessons!! She hit fifty shots and I swear over 45 of them were of the ‘thwack’ variety. I gathered myself and remembered my place and said “Wow darling, you are a natural; that was fantastic”. I then wished the ground would have opened up and swallowed me whole as she replied “Yes this is fun but I am standing the wrong way round, do they have the sticks for me to play left handed?” The supervisor duly dusted off some left handed woods and irons as she then made ‘thwack’ seem ordinary and belted the cover out of every ball placed in her path to the sound of ‘ping’. She practiced a few bunker shots, already well beyond me, and simply lobbed the ball onto the practice green every time as I simply created an even bigger crater than the one I was originally placed within. Mrs. Boss went off every day for a few hours to try out putting, chipping, driving and so forth whilst I contented myself to being a golf widow and laying on the sun lounger by the pool having been beaten into submission!

Hi guys - sorry for not responding to the various questions but I have been away in bangkok for a few days -to find out the reason for my trip go to the new Diary article which I will post after this message. Anyway I think the questions have all been answered but I would clarify things as the owner: 1. The safe's are not big enough for a laptop although we have a number of guests who bring them without any problems. The number of customers is, of course, increasing as we now have WiFi available. 2. There is a security door to the guest areas, the reception is manned 24 hours a day and we have CCTV coverage of the guest areas. Any lady who comes into the hotel (unless she is a permanent partner of the paying guest) has her ID card taken and her details are recorded. The ID card is retained by reception and returned upon departure, however, a lady who may visit on several occassions simply has the date and time of her arrival and departure noted as we already have the pertinent information. 3. All curtains to the balcony rooms, east facing, have now been lined to overcome the problem with the sun rise waking guests. 4. I will always be pleased to reply personally to anyone who contacts me and send whatever information I can or pictures that may be required of the hotel and rooms. I may have had the question 100 times but that is no reason to not ask it - you haven't had the ansdwwer so ask away!! Thanks again, Regards, Kevin

Alexist - good story and I trust your date was not too badly hurt by her fall!! beer tokens being saved - I am squirriling away some savings every week from the money Mrs Boss gives me. After only 10 weeks I already have 8 baht!!

ISSUE 11….. So you have good days and you have bad days. 12th March, 1983, I recall, was a good day! Today, as with many others, has not been so clever. I have steam coming out of my ears and want to bite people’s heads off, no not metaphorically but literally!! Mrs. Boss is away on another of her trips up to Udonthani to see her mum but primarily to get her brother out of the local penitentiary! Dear brother wanted to build himself a wooden house on the farm – we own the land and let him and one of Mrs. Boss’s sisters run the farm rent free – amazingly they still do not make any money!! There is a perfectly adequate dwelling on the farm already so why he wanted to build something new is a mystery to both Mrs. Boss and I. Anyway, the brother decides he will get some timber from a local forest aided by a chainsaw and two chums. Off they go after suitable preparation i.e. two bottles of Sang Song, and start their new careers as lumberjacks. Now they know the forest is a preserved area and that logging is totally illegal. They know there has been a coup, they know the north east is rather more heavily patrolled than normal, yet they still embark on their adventures. Well guess what, not difficult is it? Yes the silly buggers got caught and were immediately provided with new accommodation, courtesy of the state! Now there is only one person in the family who can help in such situations and this is, of course, Mrs. Boss. Once she receives the news she is on the phone to all of her contacts in and around Udonthani and this includes a rather senior police officer whom she has known since she was a small child. I met this guy on our wedding day and he turned up in the newest and biggest car and had his own driver – the man looked important, he just had that bearing. Actually I found him to be a decent enough guy; he spoke good English and was most assuredly not short of a few bob!! However, the news came back that our policeman friend could not assist and nor could any of the other contacts – the brother and his co-conspirators had been arrested by the army and they were playing it straight in the way only the military know how. I have now been told he has been released on bail – B150,000: the basic expenses incurred as a result of his arrest have been settled – B25,000 and a lawyer has been engaged and the retainer paid – B20,000. The fine is expected to be around B100,000 and the legal bill another B30,000 on top of the retainer. Best case scenario a small outlay of B325,000 for guess who? Now my foul mood was not improved by the news at 07:45 that my brilliant yet somewhat unreliable cook was not going to be arriving for work due to a motor cycle accident. As we all know cook has a total inability to say anything remotely resembling the truth, you only have to go back a couple of months to read the story of her mothers 'illness'. I therefore do not believe this yarn although no doubt she will be here tomorrow and spend the day limping – first on one leg and then later the other!! This is set against the backdrop of the perennial staffing problems and the fact that I am down to two out of four receptionists and one will not be in until mid afternoon as she has a doctor’s appointment. Whoopee I am so happy!! Now as has previously been the case we usually have our record ever day in the Café when cook is away. However, today that was not going to be possible. A few days ago we had a stormer, we did not stop from early morning until we closed at 22:00 – we broke the previous record by 100% so it was inconceivable to think we would be anywhere close to that especially as the last couple of days had been relatively quiet – well in comparison to the record day that is. Well you know me, I am a complete Muppet and get everything wrong – we smashed the record – I was cooking like a dervish all day long. At one point, in the middle of trying to do four different breakfast orders; a chilli burger and chips (yes chips NOT those weedy ‘French Fries’); beans on toast; scrambled eggs on toast; a ham and cheese sandwich and Spaghetti Bolognese I was interrupted by the assembled room maids who were taking a deserved break – they would, of course, take it whether it was deserved or not but that snide remark is simply borne out of my prevailing ill mood! I was rushing hither and thither, had plates all over the place and every gas ring alight, the microwave on, two toasters a-popping and the oven going as I endeavoured to ensure everything was ready at the same time for the same tables. “Boss, Boss” one of the room maids exclaims in a manner that suggested perhaps my trousers were on fire or a tank was just about to ram the kitchen “Tuk eat Khowphad” she says with great pride as if this were revalationary and that her eating Khowphad was something, in the midst of my frenzy, I would want to know – perhaps I may give her a pay rise for having the unique skill and talent to be able to spoon friend rice into her bloody mouth! Anyway, I paused; I waited for further utterances; I was in the midst of a panic attack but all I got was silence as Tuk returned to her Khowphad completely oblivious to the fact that she had just made the worlds most pointless and inane remark at the most inconvenient possible time. Now a little later on this same day and another busy session, albeit I was a tad more in control – of both myself and surrounding events. Anyway I had a moment to think and plan my course of action. During this thought process I found myself staring into the microwave oven and thinking “this microwave is almost a year old and it has never had a fault; that must be unique in the history of electrical goods sold in Thailand”. The moment passed, I knew what I was doing next and immediately placed some meat into the microwave to defrost it, I turned the knob to defrost and I set the timer and looked on in horror as nothing, absolutely fucking nothing, happened. This, I swear, is completely true, can you believe that? Well can you bloody well believe it for as sure as eggs are eggs I can’t. I never have much time for thinking these days but that’s it, I am giving it up totally from now on!!!!!!!!! I have been to Carrefour and got a replacement microwave, I have dealt with the mid evening rush and I am typing this as I await the arrival of our last check in today. We did have one cancellation earlier as a group of four guys were due over from the U.K. in the afternoon. Around 17:00 I was informed that they would only be three as one of their party had a tree fall through his house the day before they were due to depart. Now that made ME laugh, no not because the poor guy now has a tree-house instead of a three bed semi, purely and simply the fact that shit happens to other folk not only me! TO BE CONTINUED …………………

Sick Puppy et al - the correct e-mail addres for the hotel is jasminemansion@mail.com Now why would it suprise anyone who reads my articles that for a reason known only to himself, well for a start that's not true because I asked him and he does not know, my web guy when making some changes and updates to the web site decided to amend the e-mail address to one that does not exist!! The correct address should be uploaded today or tomorrow. My life is really very easy and striaghtforward - it is just everyone else on the planet that complicates it!!

Shuggy - now, now - that was below the belt!!! I am watching us get another mauling as I type this. Chasing over 100 to make you guys bat again and already one wicket down, 6 for 1, and Strauss literally just knocked off his feet by Brett Lee!! Worse to follow I have no doubt!!!!