leemo

A man was sitting on a beach. Tragically, due to a recent car accident, he had lost both both his arms and legs. During the afternoon, as he remained on the beach, three women separately walked past him, each feeling sorry for this poor man. The first woman asked, "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on. The second woman asked, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on. The third woman asked, "Have you ever been fucked?" The man said "No" She said: "You will be when the tide comes in."

Sorry for your tough situation. To echo what's already been suggested, whatever you end up paying for the stolen bike it should become yours, which means he has to legally transfer it to you together with all documentation. Should it later be found (yeah, sure), it should be repatriated to you as its new owner (yeah, sure). With this in mind, my guess is that if for whatever reason he does not transfer ownership to you, the bike will miraculously turn up soon after you move or leave, and if he does, the bike never sees light again except as spare parts. leemo

Have done spyware scans with RegMech (now 5.x), SpywareBlaster, SysMech and one other...all seems clean now, but freezures still occuring. How would I know if it's the motherboard, without schlepping the entire system over to TukCom? One thing for sure, can't do anything without that tense feeling of uncertainty...will it, won't it freeze. No fun at all. Hurry back, Gabor!! leemo

I have 32 processes running on bootup, am familiar with most of them but not sure about the others, esp the more recent appearances. I used to visit a site that explains which processes are critical and which may be removed/deleted, but lost the address. Did a SysMechanic spyware scan earlier, now running Spybot, so if it turns out to be spyware then hopefully we can go back to normal. Thanks. leemo

Yes, I think Windows 2050 has an IE-type addon to auto config all software for maximum efficiency. The EU are preparing a major anti-competitive suit. leemo

Computer is about 8 months old, running XP, was ok till about 3 months ago but can't remember if it started after I installed something, or just a gremlin entered the works. Cursor freezes, keyboard diasbled, cannot shift-alt-del or anything else, can only coldstart. It freezes at random, sometimes on a mouse move, sometimes on idle, and increasingly at various stages of bootup, from booting XP screen to desktop with icons. I do frequent housekeeping to include registry clean (RegMech 4.0, SysMechanic 6). Not sure if it does a memory check on bootup, but does confirm installed memory, if that's what you mean. Am with mini-tower, and don't know if it's important but I recall a while back that my DVD burner did not register as existing, though a moment with device manager sorted that out and it's been behaving since. The first time it froze was when I was playing CIV III. Can't say that prog is responsible because it used to be fine, but reinstalled it just to be safe. Sys also freezes when CIV III is not running. Have noticed it is running slow, compared to the nippy thing it used to be, and also that the desktop icons seem to be sparkling, if that's the word, or flickering rapidly...may be wrong refresh rate that's eating resources or causing memory strain. Monitor is Phillips 170S, screen refresh rate is set to 60 Hertz, and the only other available option is 75 Hertz, but that send the monitor haywire. Note, am not confident that the monitor software is optimally configured, but it was running fine until a couple of months ago when I noticed the flickering. Hope that's enough to indicate where the plobrem might be. leemo

My system goes into coma randomly, the cursor freezes, nothing works anymore, and the only way out is to switch off and reboot. This used to occur about monthly, then weekly, but has gradually increased in frequency to as short as minutes before mouse freezes and I lose whatever I was working on. Sometimes it freezes as early as the bootup process. AVG seems to be working ok, updating daily, Zone Alarm also seems to be doing its job, and System Mechanic does a regular sweep for parasites. Any ideas? leemo

It's brilliant, and it's free. Not easy keeping 60 million finickity individuals alive and well, but within reason they will patch you up or give you whatever else you need for a healthier and fuller life. I do not use the NHS but those I know who do, with minor to life-threatening conditions, have come out unscathed. Meanwhile, all counts suggest it is being grossly abused by an inestimable number of people from both abroad and within, but somehow it plods along with greater throughput, greater demands thrust upon it, higher standards and expectations from an increasingly demanding public, and yet by some miracle continues to improve, with next year's toys found in every A&E. Eligibility is an issue, and if or when our policymakers abandon political correctness in favour of common sense and raw economics, it will get even better. While there are any number of things that can and do go wrong, people left to die in corridors, not getting the treatment they need or want, communication and information errors causing avoidable distress, ambulances arriving at the scene in 18.3 minutes instead of the 17.6 of 4 years ago, and horror of horrors - that roach found in the Charring Cross Hospital kitchen, these excellent tidbits are sought after and blown up by the leftie media in their insane and unending quest for perfection. The NHS is a black hole. You could double or even triple the billions that are thrown into it, but every penny will be swallowed without so much as a burp, and things will still go wrong. leemo

Yes I know this has been covered many times but can't find any of the threads in tech section. I have recently tried uploading some JPEG and GIF files (<50k), but nothing appears in the post. after system seems to go through the motions. I'm sure there's a simple cure, and also that it's easy once you know what it is. leemo

Ignore - pic not uploaded.

Should've arrested the ladies too, for gross stupidity. leemo

Otoh, if you cash in your 50% profit (50c) and then lose 50%, now you're still ahead. leemo

Huh? - swinging that around gives you an identical result - a 50% gain on your $1 leaves you with $1.50...if you then lose 50% you still have the 75c in your example. leemo

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many PEI folks DID hear this on the 92-FM morning show in Charlottetown, PEI. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game ,however, several months ago made the Charlottetown City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down: DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on 93-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?" Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have." DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please." Contestant: "Brian." DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?" Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married." DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please." Brian: "Sara." DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?" Brian: "She is gonna kill me." DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?" Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work." DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?" Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning." DJ: "Atta boy, Brian." Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..." DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?" Brian: "About 10 minutes." DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a dream trip wasn't at stake." Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice." DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning? Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..." DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?" Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks..." DJ: "Uh huh..." Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time." DJ: "Atta boy, Brian, now please answer the question." Brian: "On the kitchen table." DJ: "Not that great?? Well, at least that's more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this." [ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ] DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?" (Touchtones.....ringing....) Clerk: "Kinkos." DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?" Clerk: "This is she." DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with 93-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now." Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?" DJ: "Well, a few minutes now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll be disqualified. Sooooooo...do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?" Sarah: "No." DJ: "Good!" Brian: (laughing) Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?" Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest." DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah, sure....now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on 5-star, on us. Sarah: (laughing) "Yes." DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex? Sarah?" Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work." DJ: "What time?" Sarah: "Around 8 this morning." DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?" Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe." DJ: "Hmmmm, that's close enough. I am sure shes trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?" Sarah: (laughing) "Yes." DJ: "Where did you have it?" Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?" Brian: "Just tell him, honey." DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?" Sarah: "Well..." DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it? (READY FOR THIS!?!?!?!) Sarah: "Up the arse....." After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break."

Nowt to do with estate agents, but there was an incident at VT2A a couple of months back, which I almost got drawn into. Seems an English gent (well dressed, well spoken, pensioner in the process of retiring to LoS, somewhat naive) had agreed to purchase a condo from what turned out to be English street trash...you know the kind, personable, seemingly trustworthy car-dealer type, until the money changes hands. Price and terms agreed, before formal papers were drawn up and within an hour of the 300k goodwill deposit being handed over, the vendor mentioned that the 3% tax (>100k) was to be paid by the buyer. The buyer protested, quite naturally, that the sales tax is the responsibility of the vendor unless otherwise agreed, and that as it happens, he had clarified the tax issue during negotiations, which the vendor confirmed is the vendor's responsibility. At this point the scammer revealed his true nature, beginning with a stream of colourful expletives synchronised with a threatening posture, because the victim was incapable of remembering such important details as who was to pay the tax. He then casually pointed out that the receipt clearly states the buyer pays the tax, and that the deposit is non-refundable, so if the buyer was trying to pull a fast one he could get f*cked! The victim checked his receipt, which was written in clear English and included all the relevant details, and sure enough, there it was, printed neatly at the bottom but above the signatures, that the deposit was non-refundable, and the buyer pays the tax, in Thai. leemo

Certain people enter their working life with a handicap that they need to actively overcome, before they can receive any respect at all from the public at large. These include as politicians, cab drivers, bankers and estate agents. If your estate agent is good, then that one's fallen far from the tree of life. leemo

Possibly the best letter ever to come out of the Inland Revenue...Taken from the Guardian, an actual letter sent by the Inland Revenue: Dear Mr Addison, I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise. I will address them, as ever, in order. Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents. Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the >other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole. Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking façade of a university system." A couple of technical points arising from direct queries: 1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system. 2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable. I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money. Please send it to us by Friday. Yours sincerely, H J Lee Customer Relations

HER DIARY Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts where somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. HIS DIARY Today the Springboks lost. At least I got laid.

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman can go to purchase her new partner. The instructions at the entrance are straightforward: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims,"I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Now, in order to avoid charges of gender bias, the store's owner opens an identical, 6-floor, New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

...but it pisses some people off.

Great...though sad indeed if they're true.

FRENCH MILITARY VICTORIES - A summary - Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. - Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted postumously. - Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians. - Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots - Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her. - War of Revolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots on their heads. - The Dutch War - Tied. Dutch farmers and tulip growers are tougher than they look. - War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces delusions of grandeur and persuades Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power. - War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. - American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting." - French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French. - The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer. - The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night. - World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline. - World War II - Lost. A decisive defeat even by French standards. Hitler and the German Youth sleep soundly through the winter, then arouse themselves to conquer France in six weeks. Hitler dances in front of the Eiffel Tower, while the French command staff retreats to Algeria to institute a crash language program to teach French privates how to say "I surrender" in German and French generals to say "We surrender" in German. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song. - War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu - Algerian Rebellion - This embarrassing loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always win if we stick to fighting the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux. - War on Terrorism - Incensed at not being included in the original "Axis of Evil," France refuses to participate. When it becomes clear that this is a "no-kidding war," Jacques Chirac looks at his cards and immediately surrenders to that old warhorse, Gerhard Schroeder. For good measure, he also surrenders to five million illegal immigrants from Algeria, and then to Germany and Islam, just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's. Miscellaneous quotes: The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?" - Anon "I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." --- General George S. Patton "Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage." - Norman Schwartzkopf "As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure" - Jacques Chirac, President of France "As far as France is concerned, you're right." - Rush Limbaugh "I just love the French. They taste like chicken!" - Hannibal Lecter "France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes." -Mark Twain Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France. - Anon "The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag." - David Letterman The only naval victory that the French had in it's long history is the blowing-up of the Rainbow Warrior in New Zealand. - Anon

Clarified already, but to confirm, the 3800 multiple entry fee is in addition to the 1900 retirement visa fee. Useful if you plan on four or more external trips, and also convenient because you do not need to present yourself for a re-entry stamp before each exit. And for the record, my first multiple entry retirement visa set me back 11k+! Live and learn! leemo

We know precisely where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the hundreds of millions of cows in the world, but we haven't got a clue as to where tens of thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

Not sure about LoS customs, but as of 6 years ago and there's no reason to suspect it has since changed, UK bods could confront you anywhere, in or out of the terminal, on your way or at home, even beyond and several days later. For example, if they suspect you of naughties they might let you through to see who you meet, and then pick you off at their leisure, or if they think you're acting suspicious or trying to shake off a tail. Also, though customs is virtually ineffective in the fight against high end trafficking of almost every commodity (i.e. if you want to bring it in badly enough, you can), don't kid yourself that they ain't on the ball at the lower levels. leemo