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BOSS said to an employee: "Do you believe in life after Death? EMPLOYEE: "Certainly not! There’s no proof of it", he replied. BOSS: "Well, there is now. After you left early yesterday to go to your uncle’s funeral,he came here looking for you.!"

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The President of the United States of America, George W. Bush had a heart attack and died. He went to hell where the devil was waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you, but you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got 3 people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the first room. In it was former President Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing gasping for air, then immediately diving back into the water again over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long." The devil let him to the next room. In it was British Prime Minister Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No way, I've got this problem with my shoulder. It would be constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George. The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw former President Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for awhile and finally said, "Yeah I could handle this." The devil smiled and said . . . "Monica, you're free to go!"

She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset! "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!" And he replied: "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened" "Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!" And he began: "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them.." He took a quick breath and continued: "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said "Please..... ...do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of -ese are you?" The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you mean." The American repeated, What kind of -ese are you?" Again, the Japanese was confused over the question. The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you . Are you a Chinese, Japanese,Vietnamese!, etc......???" The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese." A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked: What kind of 'kee' are you. The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of '-kee' am I?!" The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of the Telephone: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time). Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. Law of Bio mechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. Law of the Theatre: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. Law of Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet. Wilson 's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. ~~~Have a Great Day~~~

A man had two great tickets for the Football Cup final. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No", he says, "the seat is empty". "This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA cup final, the biggest sporting event in the year, and not use it?" He says, "well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been together since we got married". "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral".

*This joke won an award for the best joke in a competition organized in Britain and was sent by an Indian.*** Banta Singh walks into a bar in Ludhiana & orders three glasses of Beer and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." Banta Singh replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Dubai, the other in Canada, and I'm here in Ludhiana. When they left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. Banta Singh becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three Beers and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders only two Beers. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says," I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." Banta Singh looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he, says, "Everyone's fine - both my brothers are alive" "Only thing is, I just quit drinking"..

True Telephone conversations recorded from various Help Desks around the U.K * >-------------------------------------------------------------------- >*Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have? >Customer: A white one... * >-------------------------------------------------------------------- >*Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out. >Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button? >Customer: Yes, but it's really stuck. >Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note .. >Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry .... * >-------------------------------------------------------------------- >*Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen. >Customer: Your left or my left? * >-------------------------------------------------------------------- >*Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you? >Male customer: Hello... I can't print. >Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ... >Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates damn it! * >-------------------------------------------------------------------- >*(THIS ONE KILLS ME!) * >*Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says >'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in >front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it... * >-------------------------------------------------------------------- >*Customer: I have problems printing in red... >Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer? >Customer: No. * >-------------------------------------------------------------------- >*Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am? >Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket. * >-------------------------------------------------------------------- >*Helpdesk: And now hit F8. >Customer: It's not working. >Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly? >Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening... * >-------------------------------------------------------------------- >*Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. >Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? >Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer. >Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. >Customer: OK >Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you? >Customer: Yes >Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? >Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work! >-------------------------------------------------------------------- >*Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7. >Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters? * >-------------------------------------------------------------------- >*A customer couldn't get on the internet. >Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password? >Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. >Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was? >Customer: Five stars.* > > > -------------------------------------------------------------------- > *Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use? > Customer: Netscape. > Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program. > Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer. * > -------------------------------------------------------------------- > Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears! * > -------------------------------------------------------------------- > *Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you? > Customer: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me? > Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem? > Customer: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me? * > -------------------------------------------------------------------- > *Helpdesk: How may I help you? > Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail. > Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem? > Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it?*

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "by check." "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon." Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"