shamasdog

Paddy buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. Paddy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. Paddy hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted. Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls knackered into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. "No," she says, "They're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CfTb-OsyR2c

Subject: Nature lovers.... While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco , a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?" "I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied. "You've gotta be kiddin' me." "No, would you like to give it a try?" Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left. Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the heck happened to you?" He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, "This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake

Subject: Fw: You may be a Taliban if With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, our troops in Afghanistan prove they've retained their sense of humor with the following: YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF... 1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer. 2 You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes. 3. You have more wives than teeth. 4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon 'unclean.' 5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide. 6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against. 7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing. 8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs. 9. You've ever uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.' 10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one. 11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not. 12. You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

GENTLE THOUGHTS FOR TODAY : Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. A penny saved is a government oversight. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. He who hesitates is probably right. Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL." If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt . Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?" Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. They were either muddy(to make you slide into ditches), rocky(to make you detour), or full of ruts(to make you go in directions you'd rather not)! When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra, or worse, New Math! You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable. First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down. Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf . Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN..!!

As John Steinbeck once said: 1. Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is to old to fight, he'll just kill you. 2. If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck. 3. I carry a gun cause a cop is too heavy. (Gotta love this one!!) 4. America is not at war. The U.S. Military is at war. America is at the Mall. (Ain't this the truth?) 5. When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away. (Yep, shoot first, then call 911) 6. A reporter did a human interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The reporter recognize the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him "Why do carry a 45?". The Ranger responded with, "Because they don't make a .46." 7. An armed man will kill an unarmed man with monotonous regularity. 8. The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm. "Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?" "NO Ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my rifle."

A marine boards a plane and make his way to his aisle seat. He notices 2 Arab men sitting in the seats next to the window. Once the plane took off and reached its cruising altitude the marine took his shoes off to make himself comfortable. The Arab in the middle seat says to him “ let me up please I want a coke” The marine says “stay seated I’ll get you the coke” As he walks to the back of the plane the Arab spits in one of the marines shoes. He returns with the coke and sits back down. A little while later the Arab in the widow seat says “ let me up please I want a coke” The marine says “stay seated I’ll get you the coke” As he walks to the back of the plane the other Arab spits in the marines other shoe. The plane began its descent and the marine slipped his shoes back on and realized what happened. He then thought to himself…is this shit ever going to end…spitting in shoes…pissing in cokes?

Angler's Guide to Costa Rican Pink Snapper Fishing by Tampagringo In the interest of keeping fellow hobbyists informed about the unique attractions and sporting opportunities in Costa Rica, following is my recently completed, new "Angler's Guide to Costa Rican Pink Snapper Fishing": Costa Rica has long been renown as a world-class fishing destination, each year attracting multitudes of seasoned veterans and novices alike who lust after the excitement and adventure of bagging a trophy catch. The most popular species on the Atlantic coast are snook and tarpon, while on the Pacific coast, anglers enjoy catches of sailfish and marlin. Exotic species are sometimes found along the coasts as well, but the search is frequently in vain or necessary arrangements prove to be too expensive for many anglers. Although great fishing can be found on both coasts, as well as in the numerous lakes and streams throughout country, the most popular fishing destination is right in the heart of Costa Rica's landlocked capital city and many fishermen never leave the comfort and convenience of San Jose. Despite the city's distance from the coast, Costa Rica's most exotic, sought-after species, trophy pink snapper, are consistently bagged right in the heart of the city. So, whatever dreams and plans they may have of sailfish, marlin, tarpon, or snook, (and no matter what they've told their wives and friends), once fishermen arrive in San Jose and discover the joy of San Jose's pink snapper fishing, most anglers find their most enjoyable, successful fishing experiences to be centered around the city rather than on the coast. Prime pink snapper are easily caught if you know where to fish for them. The best known fishing area referred to as Gringo Gulch, which is home to one of Costa Rica's finest fishing spots. Almost anytime of the day or night this spot is teeming with trophy snapper, just waiting to be caught. Numerous other fishing spots may be found in the area as well. While the fishing techniques for pink snapper are quite different from those employed for gamefishing in coastal waters, the basics are easy to master and even novice anglers usually find that they get lucky without a great deal of effort. The techniques are simple, but vary for angler to angler. Night fishing is the most popular, but afternoon excursions may prove rewarding as well. Most novices prefer to fish in well-known locations where the catch is always good and they aren't required to explore risky, unknown waters. While some sportsmen prefer to stick to one fishing spot and sight-cast to the snapper which swim around the area, others prefer to troll, exploring a variety of spots, and only drop anchor once they are certain they've found the trophy specimen they are seeking. The best bait for local snapper comes from the U.S. and is called "green bait". The snapper here can't resist it and can never get enough to satisfy their appetites. Rubber lures are also highly recommended. In the top spots, the fishing is so easy that you don't really even need a line - a simple hand gesture, or even the wink of an eye, can produce excellent results, although experienced anglers sometimes find even better results if they use a good line as well. Since many of these snapper will swallow your lure, some anglers prefer to use flavored rubber lures in the initial stages of their pursuit and switch to lubricated lures for the final conquest. In addition to the thrill of seeking out the finest of the species and making a careful presentation of your lure, many anglers find local snapper to be delicious eating, although others are concerned about the health risk of eating unfamiliar species. If you are interested in trying the cuisine, a simple test may be sufficient - if a fish smells like fish, it is probably bad. However, if it has a pleasant, delicate aroma, you may be tempted to at least take a nibble and see what kind of reaction you get. If it's pleasant, you may want to enjoy a full meal since many snapper become very excited by this and may put more effort into the rest of the struggle. A hard lure is necessary, and many anglers like to use a supplement such as Vitamin V to increase the hardness and the duration of their lures. Many of the local snapper will nibble on bare lures and some will even swallow them. Most snapper have gentle, tender mouths and their mouthing won't do permanent harm, although some of them can become overly excited during the process and may leave small marks on your lure, so a word of caution may be in order for those anglers who like to fish with wives and significant others after they return home to be especially careful with their tackle. Once the teasing phase of the presentation has been completed and the snapper has taken the lure into its mouth, most anglers like to reel in the snapper for deeper exploration. So, although most snapper initially take the lures into their mouths, most anglers prefer a full body presentation for the final stages of the conquest. The suggested technique is to drive your hook as deeply into the snapper's body as possible, pumping your rod and plunging it into the snapper's flesh repeatedly until the angler reaches a point of full exhaustion. For most anglers and snapper, this is the culmination of their encounter, although if the angler is capable, he can sometimes release the snapper for a while and catch it again with a well-prepared, hard lure. Provided the angler has the stamina for prolonged effort, many snapper can be played multiple times. Once the fishing expedition is complete, most anglers release their fish and try again another day - sometimes seeking the same fish and sometimes preferring different waters or different fish,. Although some anglers try to keep their trophy catches, they are seldom successful because the snapper's appetites are so voracious. If an angler attempts to keep a snapper too long, it usually gets rotten. With the abundance of fresh snapper to be caught, anglers usually have better luck if they fish for new snapper each day. Snapper fishing can be dangerous if you aren't careful. In particular, anglers are advised that although fishing laws are much more liberal in Costa Rica than in the States, certain regulations are strictly enforced. The laws defining minimum legal age for snapper catches must be observed at all times. The penalty for violation is harsh and prosecution is vigorous. Additionally, disobeying these laws is poor sport and may ruin the fishing for everyone in the future. Aside from legal concerns, certain other precautions should be observed as well. First, the use of rubber lures is essential except during the teasing phase of your presentation. Secondly, confine your fishing to safe waters and never go fishing alone in unknown territory after dark. However, with a proper attitude and adequate preparation, Costa Rican snapper fishing can provide many pleasant memories which will leave you aching to return again and again. Some anglers, such as myself, find the fishing so enjoyable that they move here so they can catch snapper whenever the mood strikes. Tampagringo

wish it was that easy, good uns

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Sin-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Sin-Clock. Every time you Sin, the hands on your clock will move one minute." "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never Sinned in her life." "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe only Sinned twice in his entire Life." "Where's Shamas O'Dognasty's clock?" asked the man. "Shamas O'Dognasty's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan." Shamas o"dognasty

A slight twist on a posting from Don Giovanni CRT January 4th is Einstein's birthday. He would have been 107. Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. He stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was well endowed, and postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is stronger if there is a DNA connection. This came to be known as Einstein's Theory of Relative Titty. This brings to mind the Pattaya theory of Relativity, that's where you marry a TG and get to support all of her relatives. Thanks Don Giovanni Shamas O'Dognasty

St. Nick on Pattaya beach, go Nick go xmaswrapaper1.bmp

I like three nice places on soi 13, The Haven , Das Berliner Bistro and the Sportsmans Pub. Breakfast at the Haven is excellent, cheap and my favorite. Das Berliner Bistro, love the Curry Worst mit Brochen and fried potatos. Everything on the menu reminds me of my younger days in Germany. Excellent and the staff is very good. Sportsman Pub is in the same building with Das Berliner. Sportsmans is exceptionally clean, it sparkles and shines. The food is very well prepared, great portions and priced right. IMHO it's the best British style Pub in P'Town. They also have a wee little barmaid named Mee, she's in her late 30's and all of the older guys I met all spoke about how pretty she is. I lust to floss my teeth with her pubic hairs. Thanks Shamas O'Dognasty Gourmet Catering & Septic Tank Cleaning

I fly to BKK on 11 Nov, will fly out the next day to PP Cambo for about 8 days. I plan on being in Pattaya on 22 Nov, staying at Dynesty Inn on Soi 13. I prefer to hunch on legs and sniff butts - you're forwarned Shamas O'Dognasty

Guys, I've read the forum till I'm blue in the eyes, but I just have not found an answer to my needs I am looking for a hotel with easy access to an old fat fucker (lift or 2 stories max levels) Good AC a fairly soft bed yes a fairly soft bed Cost range up to 1500Bt between beach road & 2nd road, soi 2 and the south end of walking street. Girl Friendly I stayed at a place on soi 13, bed was too "firm", too firm my gas emitting ass, it was rock hard, Sabai was too firm also. Thanks so very much for your time and kind considerations Shamas O'Dognasty Gourmet Catering & Septic Tank Cleaning