shamasdog

Al Davis wrote But still a new york taxi would stop for Amy Winehouse before it would stop for most of the names on this list. But I like the list. It proves that if anyone works hard and doesnt wait for someone to give them something, good things can happen for anyone. Not long ago I took a taxi, the driver was white. Somehow the conversation got to this exchange Driver - If it's late Friday night and I pull up to an intersection, there are 3 drunk white guys on one corner, 3 drunk black guys on another corner and 3 drunk Latinos on the other corner, the last guys I want to pick up are the white guys. Chances are they'll be nasty Yuppies full of hate and it's not unusual for them to think it's a gas to run and beat me out of my fare. The Mexicans are just out for a good time but it can be a bitch to understand. Lousy tippers. The Black guys tip better than the mexicans and would be my first choice. My Reply - Interesting. Shamas O'D

Most of these are many years old one is older than dirt. Don't think they are this years Awards. Sorry Shamas O'D

The Dog and his Colon I had my 1st Colonoscopy the other day. I’ve heard horror stories and expected the worst. I followed the dietetic regime and the day before I mixed up the 1st batch of Grannies Magic Elixir and Industrial Drain Cleaner. At 2pm I started to drink the first 8ozs of the mix. Nothing. At 15 minute intervals I have to drink 8 ozs till the 32 oz jug is empty. The stuff doesn’t taste bad, has a sweetish fruitish taste with a wee bit of chemical additive as a kicker. I take the 2nd dose and wait, nothing. I take the 3rd dose and wait, nothing. I’m wondering if I’m going to have to call the doctor and see why I’m not moving. I don’t want to show up in the morning with a colon full of mud and have to have an enema or god only know what they’ll do to get me cleaned out in a jiffy. I get a wee sensation that I might want to head to the commode. Yep, I start and have a wee bit of a movement, but nothing like I’ve been told would happen. After a minute I start to stand up, OOPS, too soon, seems like the ole muddy is starting to flow. Geeze, it’s not too bad. I take the last dose and mix up the next batch and put it in the fridge. I sit back down and my guts rumble once. I think I just might head to the - OH CRAP, RUN, THE DAM HAS BURST AND THE FLOOD GATES ARE NOT HOLDING. Well I made it to the bathroom and as I started to sit on the throne a gush of biblical proportions erupted. It sounded like Old Faithful and felt like a retro rocket booster going off in my commode. Geeze, I have memories of my youth when I was so drunk and was puking so bad that the only thing I had left to puke was my balls and they were on their way out. I'm starting to get the same feelilng now just the nutts are headed out the back door. I have a bout with the porcelain throne and am amazed that crap can actually fly UP. I’ve got debris on my butt, balls and legs along with the underside of the seat. After a few minutes, normalcy sets in. WRONG, the ole guts give a little rumble and next thing, KAPLOSH, GUSH, Old Faithful still has a few good ejections left. By now there is very little solid matter, it’s all a light brown watery slurry quickly turning yellow. I think, OMG, I’m passing piss out the back door and my nutts are sure to follow. This session passes and I have to wait till 6pm for the next dose. One more time I have to hit the bowl. Without any warning I get the sensation and without any delay at all I’m in a race with the Muddy River Monster. AT this time and point I’ve learned that ANY, the SLIGHTEST, indication that ANYTHING at ALL is going on in the intestines, get to the crapper PDQ cus if you wait you’ll leave a trail behind. At 6pm I start the second go around. The 1st 8 ozs are taken down, but the taste now has a bad taste, more fearful but not near as good as the first go around. Now between each intake I have to hit the throne. There is almost no warning, just a rumble and a run for the tile walled room. After the last dose I’m about as clean on the inside as I am on the outside, save the hair. I finally get brave enough to try to go to bed at 10pm. NO U DUMB FUCK, the Gods of the Loose Stools are still angry and getting the most out of me. I make it by an inch. I check, yep the balls are still there but they are trying to hide. I try again to go to bed at 11pm. I end up making a diaper using a pair of under shorts and an old T Shirt. Thank goodness I didn’t misfire during the night I get up early and do the clean up, one last pass with the crapper, only a few squeaks and lispy slur. Yep I’m clean. Now I’m ready for my crowning move. My ole friend Eli who’s an ole outlaw tattoo artist had made up two transfer tattoo’s. They had a 3 “ red STOP sign and EXIT ONLY under that in 3” Block Letters. I planted one on each cheek. I check in and go to the room where I strip down put on the gown and wait. One nurse fucks up the IV, I bleed all over her lap and the bed. When we get in the procedure room I see this big long frigging black monster hanging on one side and two monitors showing the floor tile. The doctor comes in, I tell him if he shoves that thing all the way up, he can save a lot of time and money and just use a tongue depressor and go in from the lips. They start to give me a twilight drug and as I’m passing lala land I remember hearing the doctor ask the nurse if she knew what I had on my butt, shortly she made a noise and the rest is a blur. Sometime later I wake up, the doctor tells me I had one polyp which he had removed, it looked ok and I should be okay for another 5 years. I got a sheet full of pictures from the procedure but nothing from the STOP signs. As I’m getting dressed I get the sensation from the ole muddy that something is going to happen. OH GEZZE, please NO, let me get to the bathroom, NO WAY. Much to my relief I had a massive gas passing. Seems they fill up the colon with air but don’t tell you. The ride home was fun, sounded like the tuba player. I was hung over from the drugs for 2 days. Slept a whole lot. During this time any indication of any intestinal activity struck fear in my heart and caused me to pucker up and run for the crapper.

Members who fly in the USA I am a world traveler with over 45 years experience in everything from the old tri tail Connies and DC 3s to 777s. I carry cards from Delta, United, Continental, Eva Air, Korean Air and Bangkok Air. I have used Orbitz from it's inception and always enjoyed dealing with them and have never had a problem - Till - Two days ago I went on line with Orbitz and initiated a search for Business Class travel from SDF to LAX. I found an offer using American Airlines, SDF to DFW to LAX, all advertised as First Class. I purchased the fare.. I went through the normal process and once the deal was done and my card had paid their fee, I printed out my Itinerary. I was shocked to see that I was booked as Economy. I called Orbitz Customer Service and was told I had made an error and to cancel my flight and try again. NOPE, I told her to cancel my flight then I would try again. She did and I did with the exact same results, First Class advertised and Economy delivered. I emailed Orbitz and did some research. The next morning I called Orbitz Customer Service again and the lady I spoke with acknowledged that they had had other people who took exception to this practice in this type of promo. She called American Air and then told me that there was no problem, I would get my seats. I told her there was a problems in the fact that Orbitz had used false advertisement and committed consumer fraud by using the Bait and Switch tactic. I was told I was getting first class and paid what they had wanted but was delivered economy. There is a problem. Pretty quick I was talking with a supervisor. This lady started off with a stern attitude which I quickly and firmly disputed. I called her and Orbitz dishonest and underhanded business people and reminded her that they did in fact offer First Class Travel with out exception or note of otherwise circumstances and then delivered Economy, and did it 2 times. I called this illegal, deceptive, the poorest of business practices and despicable. She did admit that I had a point and she called American Air and got back with me. She told me I had premium seats and that everything would be OK. NO I replied, I had paid for First Class and my receipt still says Economy. If I had wanted Economy at full fair I would have used another airline and not Orbitz and AA, I wanted what I had been promised and what I had paid for. I was told that the best she could do was offer me a $50 coupon for my troubles. I told her I wasn’t in this for financial gain, I was in this to dispute unethical and illegal business practices. Orbitz isn't to easy company to contact. I did find a list of senior officers and sent emails. I have received 2 replies, one from the Senior VP for Operations who promised an investigation and the other from the Senior VP for Customer Relations. admitting that I was correct and that they would have to rework the way they present these promos. Today I filed charges with the Federal Trade Comission and sent an inquiry to the Congressional Subcommittee on Trade, Commerce and Consumer protection. I have sent a complaint to my Attorney General Consumer Protection Division and contacted my newspaper's Consumer Advocate and the Sunday Travel section Editor. I've also posted warnings on numerous websites that have thousands of world travelers. I have now found out that AA calls this scam an economy full fair with upgrade IF a seat is available. I call it false advertisement and Consumer Fraud, I call it business at it's worst, dishonest, and below the standards of 3rd world countries. Shamas O'Dognasty

Skeeter goes to a revival in Beckley, West Virginia and listens to the preacher. After awhile the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front at the altar. Skeeter gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: 'Skeeter", what do you want me to pray about for you.' Skeeter replies: 'Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing.' The preacher puts one finger in Skeeter's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Skeeter's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Skeeter. After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, ‘Skeeter, how is your hearing now?' Skeeter says, 'I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday!’

Arabia, where the fly is the national bird

A true story, Years ago a friend lived in a declining neighborhood. One of his pals was a 70ish retired cop who like to walk during the evening. He carried a small magnum revolver and a can of mace which was understandable for the area. Tasers had just come out so he had to get one, it was a neat little bugger, two protruding electrodes and a pistol grip. One evening a young punk harassed PaPaw, shooting the dripwad was out of the question and it was windy so PP eased out his new toy ZAP > > > > > > he nailed the scumbag right in the solar plexes with a major jolt. The jerkoff jumped up, froze in place, vibrated as if in a seizure then flopped on the ground. PP was thrilled with the effects so he administered a few more ZAPS while talking to the dickweed, asking him how did he feel now, did he want to try more spots as he ZAPPED him ramdomly and so on. I carried one for years, never had a chance to use it. Shamas O'Dognasty

1. Paper-thin home office deduction CPAs sometimes feel they've opened a Pandora's box when they introduce newly self-employed clients to the wonderland of home office deductions: Give 'em an inch and ... well, you wind up like one Arizona accountant whose client exhibited an unusual amount of tax swagger. The client asked for a home office deduction for the toilet paper he bought for his house. No word on the nature of his business. 2. Hell hath no fury ... Walt Hatter, CPA at Hatter & Associates in Fort Worth, has seen some generous Texans in his day, but none compare to the woman who literally gave it all away. The client, whose income was in the $40,000 range, brought in noncash charitable receipts from donations made to various charities. The donation total came to roughly the same dollar amount as her income. Hatter was about to nominate her for sainthood -- until he heard the rest of the story. "She had gotten a divorce; her husband had cheated on her and just never came back," Hatter says. "He called her up and said he would send a moving van to divide their assets. So, she loaded up everything he would want -- two or three sets of golf clubs and all the furniture, including some of his family antiques -- and took it all to Goodwill. She even had photos of all the stuff!" It fell to Hatter to inform her that she could only deduct up to 50 percent of her adjusted gross income. "We wound up with something like $15,000 in contributions," he says. "I just knew that that return was going to get audited, but it never did." 3. At least it wasn't 'Travel & Entertainment' Sometimes business owners will try to slide a fast one by the IRS by classifying a business deduction in a category where the dollar signs might not raise an eyebrow. One such fastball didn't pass the eyebrow test with this Oklahoma accountant, however. "We were reviewing a business client's accounting entries and noted a check for over $2,000 written to a gynecologist. It was classified on the business books as 'repairs and maintenance.'" 4. Bubble bath credit Taxpayers sometimes get into hot water by deducting their spas and swimming pools, either as medical deductions or, more boldly, as business expenses. "We had a woman who tried to deduct her tricked-out Jacuzzi hot tub due to medical reasons," says Elizabeth Dittrick of Dittrick and Associates in Cleveland. "That can be a legitimate expense -- but not the underwater speakers, the mood lighting and the in-tub stereo. So we ended up deducting a portion of it but removed the sound and lightshow. She did use it for medical reasons; she had arthritis and had a note from her doctor." It was going to be a bit longer swim for one New Jersey accountant's client. "A taxpayer wanted to write off a $100,000 swimming pool for medical reasons," says the accountant. "Swimming, he explained quite seriously, relaxed him so he could earn more money, which in turn would be taxable." Uh ... no. 5. Beautify your return Ah, nature! So peaceful, so inspiring, so ... deductible? It can be, at least according to Allyson Baumeister, CPA at Sanford, Baumeister & Frazier in Forth Worth. "I had a lady client who didn't like some of her really mature trees, they didn't fit into her new landscaping theme," she says. "So, she dug them out and donated them to charity." "She had to get somebody to appraise the value of the trees, but the IRS allowed it," says Baumeister. 6. Unmarried, filing weirdly Common-law marriages can create tax complications, as Hatter found out when two young, single clients who had been living together for a number of years decided to file jointly as a married couple. "You can do that in Texas by meeting certain criteria, living together for so long," Hatter says. "The problem is, when you decide that you don't want to live together anymore, it creates all sorts of problems with the IRS." That's because once a couple files jointly, everything thereafter is keyed off of the male partner's Social Security number. "You don't have to go through a divorce per se; it just takes a little letter-writing campaign to the IRS to get it fixed," Hatter says. 7. Dancing with the IRS Who doesn't get a little carried away with the grace and fluidity of ballroom dancing? But according to a Tucson, Ariz., CPA, some dance moves fail to charm the taxman. The accountant's client was an elderly woman who had once been a university professor. When her doctor suggested she take up dancing to improve her arthritic hips, she enrolled at the Arthur Murray Dance Studio. "The first year, she brought in her tax data and wanted to deduct over $8,000 in dance lessons," the accountant says. "I got her to have her doctor write a letter and I believe I did deduct it the first year." Ah, but you know how infectious ballroom dancing can be. "The second year, she brought in receipts totaling over $35,000 for dance lessons and another $18,000 for gowns and expenses to travel on cruises for herself and her 'instructor' from this dance studio; he was in his 20s and she was about 85 by this time," the accountant says. "I was appalled and obviously did not deduct these expenses as medical -- although I was temped to call it a theft loss." The accountant notified adult protective services, which launched an investigation of the situation. Her client died before it was completed. 8. Of guard cats and canine contractors Taxpayers become pretty creative when it comes to devising ways to deduct their pets on their tax returns. In this series alone, we've featured one pet lover who claimed his dog as a dependent, another who attempted to write off the dog food for his "home security system," and yet another who claimed Fido as a landscaping subcontractor. Ed Mendlowitz, CPA at WithumSmith+Brown in New Brunswick, N.J., has heard it so much that he actually devised a tongue-in-cheek response: "When I have a client ask me if they can deduct their cat or dog, I usually inquire in a very serious tone about their pet's age and whether the cat or dog is a full-time student. Parrots and other long-lived animals, by contrast, may qualify for elderly benefits." 9. Costly adoption A Kissimmee, Fla., CPA inherited the case of a 65-year-old woman who took in a 20-something student renter and handyman. She liked the lad so much she decided to welcome him into her family -- at least on her taxes. The woman's original accountant never questioned the deduction, which incidentally enabled the woman to not claim the rental income from her new "nephew." "There are guidelines CPAs use to determine whether or not a relative by blood, marriage or adoption is considered a dependent," the Kissimmee CPA says. "In this case, the young man was none of the above. She was confusing emotional attachment with an actual factual definition." Long story short, the IRS caught on three years later and slapped "Auntie" with $5,000 in back taxes and a $2,000 penalty for failing to disclose income. The Kissimmee CPA came to the rescue, filed amended returns and eventually reclaimed part of the excess taken by the IRS. Ironically, because the renter had remodeled part of her home, "Auntie" could have offset that expense against the rental income and ended up with a better and legitimate deduction than claiming him as a dependent.

When you're the best, don't sweat the rest. Shamas O'Dognasty

http://bangkok.craigslist.co.th/w4m/1073062630.html

The members of this board have just as good chance of knowing about good investments as all of the financial wizards do. If you watch any of the CNBC shows, they have 4 geniuses and they all call the other guy a moron, it's only their picks that are on the money. None of them agree on squat. As for me, I'm looking to Canada, AuzzieLand and Brazil. They have the resources to plunder which will be used to help China take over Asia. When a US Prez gets elected, his boys prosper. Bush was oil. Clinton was prostitution., pretty much an open run for the money Don't know what B'Rack will do. I see a big rise in Black Entertainment and rebuilding in the innercity areas. Africa is just too phucked up to take a chance on. The guys who dan't get the job done are running the show and the guys who can get the job done are being told to leave. Shamas O'Dognasty Gourmet Catering and Septic Tank Cleaning

Funnies Section, it's called the Funnies Section. They B Jokes,

I've checked 2X my score is 825.6. Geeze wonder what it would have been if I hadn't had all that time as a Priest

Everywhere I look I see ruination, gloom and mistrust My Job is Done gWb

>>WHATEVER HITS THE FAN WILL NOT BE DISTRIBUTED EVENLY. >>>I have kleptomania, But when it gets bad, I take something for it >>>FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS! Except that one where you're naked in church. >>>Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough. >>>Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken. >>>Heaven is Where: The Police are British, The Chefs are Italian, The Mechanics are German, The Lovers are French And It's all organized by the Swiss. Hell is Where: The Police are German, The Chefs are British, The Mechanics are French, The Lovers are Swiss And It's all organized by the Italians. >>>Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake! >>>My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be. >>>Welcome to Utah Set your watch back 20 years. >>>In just two days from now, Tomorrow will be yesterday. >>>A bartender is just a pharmacist With a liquid inventory >>>The statement below is true. The statement above is false. >>>I may be schizophrenic, But at least I have each other. >>>I am a Nobody. Nobody is Perfect. Therefore I am Perfect. >>>KENTUCKY: Five million people, Three Family Trees >>>I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable. >>>Dyslexics Have More Nuf. >>>In Memorium With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started. >>>I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE Sometimes I even put it in the food. >>>Preserve the Spotted Owl (in formaldehyde) >>>Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, How was the play? >>>When you work here, You can name your own salary. I named mine, "Fred". >>>Money isn't everything, But it sure keeps the kids in touch. >>>Reality is only an illusion That occurs due to a lack of alcohol. >>>I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes. >>>Red meat is not bad for you Fuzzy green meat is bad for you. >>>I am having an out-of-money experience. >>>As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!" "It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!" >>>Don't sweat the petty things. pet the sweaty things. >>>Corduroy pillows are making headlines! >>>I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car. >>>I FOUND JESUS! He was in my trunk when I got back from Tijuana

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES 1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP. 2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK, WHILE THEY'RE USING THE TOILET. 3..FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER. 4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON. 5.IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. YOU'LL ONLY COUGH ONE MORE TIME. 6.YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIF E - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE. 7.IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM... DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS

How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry It! How are fat girls and mopeds alike? They're both fun to ride until your friends find out. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up? Because they don't have balls to scratch. Why did God create woman ? To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet. Why do women fake orgasms ? Because they think men care. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? Made her chain too long Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. Women will never be equal to men.. until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

I hope she doesn't pollute the water

Thought y'all should read this in case you're wondering why I haven’t posted for a few weeks. I live in the country and have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard. A few weeks ago burglaries stated so to make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Being the guy I am, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long solid copper ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works. Two weeks ago I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6hp big wheel push mower. I notice the hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I holler to Mikey the nose to unplug the fence. He waves back as I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. In an instant I knew something was terribly wrong. Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first Sensation I had wazzzz my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and my knees buckled. I remember seeing my elbow hit the top of the spark plug and could feel the lawnmower ignition firing all through my body. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head, face, teeth, eyes, ears, heart, torso, balls bung hole ,legs and spine. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POSSESED lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses. Science says you cannot crap, pee, and pop a nut at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy loping before you rev it up. At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I’m now wet from the balls to the ground with piss which give the electricity a superconductor route. I popped a nut that blew my zipper open and actually left a trail of smoke behind it. I’ve got a wad of crap cooking around my bung hold and my balls are acting like jumping jacks. All at the same time. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but Dad always had those chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the perma damp Green river bottom soil. At this point I'm sure I’m going to die and my friends will all wonder was I taking a crap, a piss or jacking off when the fence got me. But I have a glimmer of hope, I might outlive the lawnmower, hoping it runs out of gas. 'Damn!,' I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God please just die... pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot. So here I am in the middle of November standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created. I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I could smell burnt flesh and hair and stinking grass and leaves. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep Irealized a few things : 1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted and discolored. 2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right). 3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do no smell as bad as you might think. 4- My left eye will not open. 5- My right eye will not close. 6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that. 7- My balls are larger now and feel like popcorn. 8- When I fart the entertainment center goes nuts. 9 - Ginger came by and we fooled around, she gave me a bbbj, I popped off and my electric meter spun like a top. Try explaining that to the lady at the REC (Rural Electric Cooperative) on why your bill should be examined. 10- My piss has a neon glow to it, I don’t have to wait till it snows to write my name in the lawn. That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I get close to it. The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I go out in the backyard.

I stayed there a few years ago and enjoyed it. Lots of room, full kitchen and everything worked. Shamas O'D

How I've wasted my life, I could have been a Brazillionair $$$$$$$$$$ , how much I've wasted on faces, cheeks (both sides) late at nite, in the shower, in the closet, out the window, up the ole muddy, up the yahoo taco, geeze I could of been making a difference in the good ole UK Britain calls for more sperm donors amid shortage Published: 11/12/08, 5:06 PM EDT By JENNIFER QUINN LONDON (AP) - Britain is facing a sperm donor shortage after reversing confidentiality laws and limiting the number of women who can use sperm from one donor, fertility experts warned Wednesday. Britain in 2005 changed the law protecting anonymous sperm donors and allowed children to learn the identity of donor fathers - one reason, fertility experts say, there are fewer donors now. "The only countries that seem to have enough sperm are those that pay - like the U.S. and Spain - or the countries that retain anonymity," said Allan Pacey, a member of the British Fertility Society that warned of the shortage in the British Medical Journal. "In the countries that have removed anonymity ... there seems to be a problem," he said. In 1991, Britain logged 503 sperm donors, according to figures from the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority. In 2000, there were 325, and in 2006 - the year after the law was changed - the number dropped to 307. Experts say 500 donors a year are needed to cope with the number of couples needing donor insemination in Britain. Dutch authorities have also put out calls to encourage sperm donors after scrapping anonymity for donors in 2004. "There is a shortage of sperm donors. This is because of the new laws that make the anonymous donation of sperm impossible," the University of Amsterdam's Fertility Clinic of the Academic Medical Center said on its Web site. Usage limits could also affect availability. In Britain, only 10 babies can result from one donor - a limit some have called arbitrary. The Dutch allow one donor to supply sperm to 25 women. The United States does not cap sperm donations at all, according to Eleanor Nicoll, spokeswoman for the American Society for Reproductive Medicine. However, the group suggests that a single donor be limited to no more than 25 births in a population of 800,000 to avoid having siblings from the same sperm donor having children together. In France, sperm donation is anonymous and the government covers donors' expenses but the country still faces a sperm shortage. France registered 248 sperm donors in 2006, according to the country's Agency of Biomedicine - a level an official there said was not enough to supply demand. Unlike Britain, U.S. donors have the option of remaining anonymous, said Dr. Robert Visscher, former executive director of the American Society of Reproductive Medicine. "I don't think we are having a problem with adequate numbers of donors at this time, primarily because we don't have that regulation," he said. Mark Jackson, 40, decided to donate in 2005, even after Britain's government amended the donor law. "To worry that someone might come and see you, that something might happen? That's a long way in the future," said Jackson. "I thought maybe I (could) do something to make a difference." Olivia Montuschi, co-founder of the Donor Conception Network, said changing the confidentiality law was important for the donors' children but shouldn't prevent men from being willing to help. "What is needed is someone who has the maturity to understand the importance of what they're doing for the future, and the impact that might have on anyone who's conceived," said Montuschi, whose children were conceived using donor sperm. "We are not talking about a fatherhood role." Although sperm donations from other countries are allowed in Britain, clinics cannot pay donors and donations from abroad are not enough to cope with the shortage, said Pacey, who runs a fertility clinic in Sheffield, 165 kilometers (265 miles) from London. "Once upon a time ... we had hundreds and hundreds of people phoning up every year," he said. "Now, 20 a year? Not in any great numbers."

"Dogs Welcome" A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote: I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?" [] An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote: "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

How about we give it back to ya ? First off how about I give you the Kennedy's and Bush's then we can start with next round of 20 million illegal Mexicans and an equal number of welfare cases. You can have it, take our politicians, everyone of them, then the lawyers. After that this side of the pond will be fit to be fought for again. Right now, you can have it back. Shamas O'Dognasty Butt Sniffer to the Stars

My thoughts on the bailout / wall street unscrew us package. Greed which is the driving force of our capitalistic society has the ability to rear it’s ugly head and barf all over us from time to time. Right now our biggest problem (out side of greed) is a vast number of bad home loans. Some brilliant financial genius sold the CEOs and CFOs of the world banks on the idea of overselling homes to people who don’t make enough money to pay for them and the government agreed and concurred fully. This is the used car lot mentality and they get busted by the state commerce commissions and attorney generals all the time for bad business practices, but hay it’s the BIG BOY this time, not the corner shysters. Now that we seem to be stuck and our government wants the people who had nothing to do with the problem to bail out the high rollers, the shakers, the movers, I see a bunch of greedy people looking for a quick ticket out of the pits they caused and at our expense. My thoughts - Bank X has Y number of bad home loans. This means they have houses sitting unoccupied. This is bad. This is Property losing value, Neighborhoods losing value and no money coming in to the banks. All Bad. Quickest remedy, get someone in the house. This is Not rocket science nor a radicial idea, just plain common sence. OK, available resident can’t afford the costs. Well what can they afford ? 75%, 50%, even 25%. Now the Bank has money coming in. We are one step up . A house unoccupied deteriorates rapidly. The simple act of opening and closing doors moves the air, the house breaths, it lives. Thugs and criminals don’t occupy a house someone lives in. The grass gets cut, Utilities get paid,, you know how this part goes, the property is not depressed, nor is the neighborhood blighted, a lot of good people are better off. 2nd step out of the hole. The government can then help out with some defered tax relief as long as the occupant keeps the property up and keeps the payments up. This is very important. We are now 3 steps up. The loans need to be structured so a person can afford them. I’m not advocating an easy way to own a good house, I’m talking about a fair and even way to help all of us out. Another step out of the hole. Just the thoughts of an old and grumpy person who knows NO ONE will ever bail me out for my bad decisions. My name is Shamas O'Dognasty and I approve of this message. Vote for me and I'll Set You Free ! !