Captain_C

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.. He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.... The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.. The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's but is still choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.. At the sound of the commotion, s

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement, and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one

The perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70 or beyond! 1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you. 2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first. 3. No one expects you to run - anywhere. 4. People call at 9pm (or 9am) and ask, 'Did I wake you? 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac. 6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way. 7. Things you buy now won't wear out. 8. You can eat supper at 4 PM. 9 You can live without sex but not your glasses. 10. You get into heated argument about pension plan

Spring Classes for Women at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTRE REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED By Friday, May 18th, 2012 NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS. Class 1 Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat Step by Step, with Slide Presentation. Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM. Class 2 Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours? Round Table Discussion. Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours. Class 3 I

Texting for Seniors The mobile phone has increased in popularity quite drastically over the last decade and in particular the use of text messages. A whole new language of abbreviations (like BFF, LOL, etc) has been developed by the younger generation to speed up the process of texting, but finally the older generation have recognised the benefits of fast texting, and developed their own texting vocabulary. Should you receive a text message with some unfamiliar terms in it please refer to the list below :- ATD - At the Doctor's BFF - Best Friends Funeral BTW - Bring the Wheelcha

Hey, I'd have loved to be a Captain for them!

These are from a book called ‘Disorder in the American Courts’, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ATTORNEY: Do you know

Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small eastern Oregon rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him. GOVT AGENT: I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them. RANCHER: Well, theres my hired hand whos been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. Then theres the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night s

A woman walks into an accountant ' s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions. "He gets her name, address, tax file number, etc. And then Asks," What's your Occupation?" "I ' m a prostitute," she says. The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let ' s try to rephrase that." The woman says, "OK, I ' m a high-end call girl". "No, that still won't work. Try again." They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite Chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming

I NO COME WOK TODAY Hung Chow calls his work and says, 'Hey, I no come wok today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come wok.' The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that. Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at wok soon. You got nice house'.

A little Scottish humour A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgae, worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner. The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet? The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'." The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep." Two weeks later she com

Two Wishes An Aussie trucker walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The trucker says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu. A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays. The next day, the trucker and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.' Again the tru

Cheers Everyone Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Jack Handy "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " ~Frank Sinatra “When I read

At last an answer to that age old question, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" It was stuffed inside Antony Worrall Thompson's jacket............

THE HAIRCUT Blessed are those that can give without remembering, and take without forgetting. One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'Thank You' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a police officer comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money

Apologies if this has been posted before........... BRAINS OF BRITAIN UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2) Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'? Contestant: Homosexuals Jeremy Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you. BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2) Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is? Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point. Jamie Theakston: There's a clue in the title. Contestant: Leicester BBC NORFOLK Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with “What A Wonderful World

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning. ----------------------------------------------------------- The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did.... she's 21 and her name's Lucy. ----------------------------------------------------------- Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely

Yep there certainly are - and it is funny..........

I have just applied for planning permission to build a new house. It's going to be: * 100ft tall and 400ft wide with 9 turrets at various heights * Windows all over the place * On the outside, a very loud entertainment sound system * With parking for 200 cars * I'm going to paint it snot green with tatty pink trim The Council Planning Department told me to fuck off So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a Mosque Work starts on Monday

I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in the western world I think it should be the goal of every western government to be tolerant. Thus, the building of the Mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance. That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy ", and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot." Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes i

Just heard our local Muslim optician died this morning. Asif Eyecare...

I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name. There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Brisbane, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets. You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools. A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache." Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned i

Worried your pension will run short? So you're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home available for you - what do you do? Senior Health Care Solution Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 MPs and 2 illegal immigrants! Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need! New teeth? - No problem. Need glasses? - Great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? Al

Ad found in the Canberra Times. Wanted. A tall well-built woman with good reputation,who can cook frogs legs,who appreciates a good fuc- schia garden,classic music and tal- king without getting too serious. Interested? Then please only read lines 1,3 and 5. Still interested? Call me at ......

For several years, a man in Norwich had been having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child. Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back when the child was born.