Captain_C

I went for my yearly check up with my doctor last week and this was the interview: Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that’s it...don't waste it on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart won’t make you live longer; it’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does a cow eat? Hay and co

Incorrect E-mail address. A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without rea

SUBJECT: All done with £100.00 It's a slow day in a little West Yorkshire town. The sun is beating down,and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit. On this particular day a rich tourist from down south is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a £100 in cash on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the £100 and runs do

Locals are said to be in a state of shock this evening, after police discovered a stash of guns, knives and drugs behind the job centre in Liverpool. A spokesman for the City said: "The people of Liverpool had no idea they had a job centre"

I booked a table for valentine's evening. It was much better than last year. This time, she managed to pot a couple of reds....

I bought my wife a new bag and a new belt. She was really grateful. She said the vacuum cleaner is working much better now...

Banned from the co-op Didn't like shopping there anyway Yesterday I was at my local CO-OP buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stones before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs i

I went into a Muslim clothes shop this morning. I asked if they had any bomber jackets. Then the fight started.....

This is worrisome Beer contains female hormones: Last month, Wits University and RAU scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women . To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour Period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects : 1) Argued over nothing. 2) Refused to apologize w

Jewish book of Xmas gifts. Scottish book of generosity.

HOW I SOLVED MY BOOZE PROBLEM by George Best

The Darwin Awards Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us. Here is the glorious winner: When his 38 calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked. And now, the honourable mentions: The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitt

History of the Swiss Navy...

The Rwanda book of Gourmet Cooking.....

I was taking down my Christmas lights for this year, and realised I wasn't sure wheather or not they had offended my muslim neighbours. So just to be on the safe side I painted 'Allah is a Cunt' on my garage door.....

Never heard that before but a really nice track......

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL MY FRIENDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1930's, 1940's, 50's, 60's and early 70's! First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer. Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no hel

Teaching Maths 1. Teaching maths in 1970 A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit? 2. Teaching Maths In 1980 A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 80% of the price. What is his profit? 3. Teaching Maths In 1990 A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80. How much was his profit? 4. Teaching Maths In 2000 A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80 and his profit is£20. Your assignment: Underline the

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it. 2. Phone answering machine message ... If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key... 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.' 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.' 6. My friend drowned in a b

THE MALE VERSES FEMALE AT THE CASH MACHINE A new sign in the bank lobby reads: ‘Please note that this Bank is installing new drive-through cash machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts’. ‘After months of careful research, Male & Female Procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender'. ******************************* MALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Put down you

A drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side. He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. 'Then he'll open his mouth, and I'll remove my tackle unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.' The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his john thomas and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.

Clubbers in Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject Ecstacy directly into their mouths. This dangerous practice is known as 'E By Gum'.

To paraphrase W.C. Fields, "I don't drink water, because fish screw in it." This is to all my friends who enjoy a glass of wine or beer… As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, and in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of s**t… However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine

A duck walks into a Liverpool pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you can talk!" exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plaster

Watch that fucker - he'll have someone's eye out - King Harold