Captain_C

Yesterday morning, I saw a radical Muslim, ranting on about Western aggression in the peace loving Islamic paradise of Afghanistan. He was standing on a jetty on the Murray River. He got so excited he lost his footing and fell into the river and could not swim. Being a responsible citizen, I immediately notified the emergency services. By noon today, they still hadn't arrived. I'm beginning to think I wasted a stamp.

A mild looking fellow appeared before St Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St Peter asked."Well on a trip to North Wales I came across a gang of bikers who were hassling a young lady. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the biggest, most tattooed hard lookin biker n smacked him straight in the face, kicked his bike over and then ripped his ear ring out and yelled: 'NOW BACK OFF OR I'LL KICK THE FUCKIN SHIT OUT OF THE LOT OF YOU!" Wow! St Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?"... "about two fuckin minutes ago!"

Bought my son an iPad, my daughter an iPod. The wife got me an iPhone and I got her an iRon. She wasn't overjoyed even after I explained it can be integrated with the iWash, iCook, iClean network. This opened the iNag reminder service which totally wiped out the iShag function.

THE OLDER WOMAN I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for a 61 year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double. 'What's that?' I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. I said, 'No,' - excitedly. We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'. I went back to her place. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'

The Government are planning to put these new health warnings on bottles and tins of alcoholic beverages: WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a IDIOT WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think that people are laughing WITH you WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your arse kicked WARNING: the crumsumpten off halcohol may Mack you tink yoo Kan tpye Reel Gode. Sorry for any offence caused to Alcoholics with this Joke

This has been a very interesting thread! When I was sent the joke by a good mate, I thought it was funny and a clever play on words, but never did I associate the joke with anything to do with the holocaust. In the same way, the jokes about Osama Bin Laden make me laugh, but don't make me think all Muslims and Islamics are bad in the same way he was. One thing is for certain, I would never put a joke on here if I thought for one minute it would cause offence. I only post to raise a laugh, in what can be, a world with not much to smile about these days. Sorry to anyone with a different view.

The Jews Sank the Titanic A plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese." "No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot, "why not?" "You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!" "No, no", the co-pilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah" That Japanese, not Chinese." "Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....doesn't matter, you're all alike." There's a few minutes of silence..... "I no rike Jews." the copilot suddenly announces. "Oh yeah, why not?" Asks the captain. "Jews sink Titanic." says the co-pilot. "What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain "It was an iceberg." "Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , nomattah...all same."

Ask the girl behind the bar at FLB if they do the Osama Bin Laden cocktail..... Two shots and a splash of water.....

Bin Laden made a big mistake when he decided to celebrate Arsenal's latest win.... Running into his yard and shouting 'Comon you Gunners' was not very wise.

The Ethiopian book of gourmet cooking?

Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home. This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks. They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out. They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance. Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them. A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell. They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education. Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request. Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens. Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls. There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to. The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

I had a rather famous Liberal Democrat politician on my doorstep yesterday. He asked me if he could count on my support at the next bi-election. I said only if I could count on him no longer fiddling his expenses. He left my doorstep in a hurry.

Educasion is a onederfal fing – ain’t it? Some examples of essays written by children in our skools….. HISTORY In wartime children who lived in big cities had to be evaporated because it was safer in the country. MATHS The total is when you add up all the numbers and a remainder is an animal that pulls santa on his slay. HISTORY Sometimes in the war they take prisners and keep them as ostriges until the war is over and some prisners end up in consterpation camps. RELIGIOUS STUDIES A mosque is a sort of church. The main difference is that its roof is doomed. RELIGIOUS STUDIES I asked my mum why we said old men at the end of prayers at skool. I don’t know any old men apart from grandpa. HOLIDAYS On our activity holiday dad wanted to ride the hores but mum said they were too ekspensiv. MATHS I would like to be an accountant but you have to know a lot about moths. GEOGRAPHY The closet town to France is Dover and you can get to France on a train or you can go on a fairy. MATHS If it is less than 90 degrees it is a cute angel. THE ARTS …..and at the end of the show we all sing away in a manager. THE ARTS In last years Christmas concert Linzi played the main prat and I played one of the smaller prats and I would like to have a bigger prat this year. SCIENCE Helicopers are cleverer than planes. Not only can they fly through the air they can also hoover. HISTORY Then Joan of Ark met her end. She was burned as a steak. NATURAL HISTORY Crabs and creatures like that all belong to a family of crushed asians. GEOGRAPHY In geography we learned that countries with sea around them are islands and ones without sea are called incontinents. RELIGIOUS STUDIES If you marry two people you are a pigamist but morons are allowed to do this. HISTORY Sir Walter Raleigh circumcised the world with a big clipper. GEOGRAPHY In Scandinavia the Danish people come from Denmark, the Norwegians come from Norway and the Lapdancers come from Lapland.

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy bitch busy. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely. Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then." My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in. Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone. What sort of sick person doe’s that to someone's Advent calendar. I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit. After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing. A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part." Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month. It’s time to change supplier I think. Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate. When I said white, they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.

A THAILAND LOVE STORY* A man was lying in bed with his new Thai girlfriend in a hotel in the Thai resort of Pattaya. After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles - something she obviously loved doing. As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that so much?" "Because", she replied, "I really miss mine."

I do wish everyone would get off George Michael's back. The warden say's it's his turn now.

Need cheering up? Why not try watching your wedding video backwards..... You'll fucking love the bit where she takes off the ring, walks down the aisle, jumps in the car and fucks off!

New Book Titles A range of new Muslim books is now available at your local bookstore. These titles include: “Finding a Job” by Asif “Cooking Muslim Curry” by Ahmed Astink “Easy DIY” by Mahroof Isfukd “Inbreeding” by Shahag Misistah …and my personal favourite… “How to kill Muslims” by Shahoot Dhakunt

Genuine pair of world cup football boots. No Scuff Marks Never Kicked a Ball Good As New Contact: wayne.rooney@uselessfatcunt.com

Murphy's wife has never had an orgasm, so the two of them decide to go to the doctor and find out why. After a number of tests and questions, the doctor suggests that Murphy's wife may be over-heating during sex. Murphy refuses to buy a fan and decides to get his mate round to waft a towel over them both during sex. After 20 minutes of wafting, and still no orgasm, his friend suggests a swap. "I'll make love to her and you waft the towel", his mate suggests. Murphy agrees, and within seconds Murphy's wife is screaming with pleasure and has the best orgasm ever. Murphy turns to his mate and says "and that my old son, is how you waft a f*****g towel".......

Just remembered this story as well...... My daughter once asked me why so many cars had England flags on them. I told her that if you are below a certain level of intelligence you are a moron and, in order to alert other road users to your condition, you are obliged to fly an England flag from your car window. Later that day, we were walking through Brighton when a car bearing two flags drove slowly past us. Inside were two large, shaven-headed, knuckle-dragging mouth-breathers. 'Look dad, there are two morons in that car' shouted my daughter. 'Run' I shouted back at her.

Professor NcNutt of London University has found after extensive research that there are two sizes of penis among UK men. There are those which fall within the normal size range and those which are less than two inches whilst erect. The prefessor has made an appeal for help to continue his research. Could all men in the UK with extremely small penises make themselves known over the next six weeks by flying a white flag with a red cross from their cars?

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Lets take a look at the evidence…. No Christmas No television No nude women No football No pork BBQ No hotdogs No burgers No beer Rags for clothes and towels for hats Constant wailing from some cunt in a fucking tower You can’t shave Your wife can’t shave You can’t wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel shit Someone else picks your wife She smells worse than your donkey Then they tell you when you die it all gets better. It’s not like it could get any fucking worse, is it?

Doctor: "I'm baffled by your orange penis, does anyone else in your family have this condition"? Patient: "No" Doctor: "Do you handle any chemicals at work perhaps"? Patient: "No" Doctor: "If you don't work, what do you do all day"? Patient: "I watch thai porn and eat Wotsits".

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively. 'I would like it infrequently' she replied The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'