tom21

Two blonde hunters were dragging a deer back to their truck when another hunter happened by. "I don't want to tell you what to do," he said, "but it’s easier if you drag the deer the other way so the antlers don't dig into the ground." After the hunter left, the two decided to try it his way. After a while, one said to the other, "Man that guy was right. This is easier.” "Yeah," the other replied, "but we keep getting further and further away from the truck."

still looking. all i can find is the head

1My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." 2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" 4. My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why." 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." 7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about." 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper." 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!" 10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" 13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." 14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!" 15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do." 16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home." 17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!" 18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way." 19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?" 20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father." > 23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" 24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand." 25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you

What about his daughter. Is she entitled to anything?

i would say to advice the court that you can not afford to pay for the childs mother to visit him in thailand and as your mother is relocating to thailand the child is to come with you or is to be put in care. i think a lot of your problems is coming from your ex wife and the courts will take the easy way out. you can always bring him out for a holiday and not take him back.

are you sure this is correct as i get pension from a pension fund in the uk. i have never worked in the uk or do i have a NI number nor have i paid any tax there until i got the pension. on all letters they put a emergency number as the NI number and i get paid the pension.

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean- (also Irishmen), were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.- Seamus said 'Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over'. So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said 'Nope, it ain't Paddy'. The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, 'Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over'.The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said,'No, it ain't Paddy'. The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?' Sean said, 'Well, Paddy had two arseholes.' 'What,?- he had two arseholes???' said the mortician. 'Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....' ********************************************************** Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border >>checkpoint.Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: >>'It is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four' >>'Quattro is just the name of the automobile,' the Englishman retorts >>disbelievingly. 'Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five >>persons.' >>'You c ann ot pull that one on me,' replies Paddy 'Quattro means four.-You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law'. 'The Englishmen replies angrily, 'You idiot! Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!' 'Sorry,' responds Paddy, 'Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.' *********************************************************** Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge. 'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the guests asked. 'Why, that's my Speaking Clock' the man replied. 'How does it work?' 'I'll show you', the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer. Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, 'For ****sake, you *****, it's twenty to two in the ****ing morning!!' *********************************************************** A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says,'Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 2 other female friends in addition to my fiancee and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry'. The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, 'Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry.' She immediately replies, 'The red-head in the middle.' 'That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?' 'I don't like her.' *********************************************************** Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, 'You are charged with beating your wife to death with a sp ann er.' A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You b*stard!' The judge continued, 'You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a sp ann er.' Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, 'You ****ing b*stard!!!' The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, 'Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?' Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, 'For fifteen years lived next door to that b*stard. And every time I asked to borrow a ****ing sp ann er, he said he didn't have one!' *********************************************************** A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, 'Why do you keep looking in your pocket?' The man replies, 'I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home.

no i thought it was a bit sick fo and advert

i for on have not seen them before. are they common in the UK

4 years is not bad. i would say he is not comlaining

MY DAD IS A FATHER TOO A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father." The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many." The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way." The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and whispered, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar. "

wonder why

that is good

must be a learner.

Read the contract you signed. The finance company is only interested in getting the money it is owed. If you do not pay they ask the guarantor to pay if the guarantor does not pay they take the car and sell it. If the sale price does not cover costs they go after the guarantor, the car is owned by the finance company until it is paid off. Same as most countries but read the contract and if it is in Thai get it translated. As long as the payments are made no one can touch the car just a thouht if you are paying 20% deposit why do you need a guarantor?. is this a thai thing

you should of looked. i have been caught out a few times like that and allways check the exp date. that is if it has one

WORLD WAR III IS COMING President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?" The bartender says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?" Bush says, "We're planning WW III." The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?" Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits. The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?" Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims". .

CHINESE WEDDING NIGHT A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in thedarkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her. A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls... Numbaa 69." More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her... "You want... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?

Sperm Count An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave Him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, Then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, First with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, First with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried Squeezin it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, We still couldn't get the jar open."

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again." The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my face".

For his birthday Little Matt asked for a new mountain bike. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $300,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way that we can afford it." The next day his father saw Little Matt heading out the front door with his bags packed. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Matt told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. Well,I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $300,000 mortgage and no f**king bike

The reason I could find nothing wrong with going to Thailand for 3 months is that a lot of people work in industries in the middle east and oil, mining and shipping around the world. These often work on a 1 on 1 off basis so having 2-3 months off is not unusual. So unless they have commitments at home, Thailand is a good place to go as any. I was at sea 20 years ago and that was what I did. I spent most of my time in the Philippines ,I found it a lot easier do thing as I was not rushing or on a short time table. I have a better job now it’s called retirement and I can go when I want. So have a good time and play it by ear and go with the flow.

How Smart is Your Right Foot? This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep trying at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't. 1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles. 2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction. I told you so .....And there's nothing you can do about it Make sure you pass this on to your friends...they won't be able to believe it either!!

i see nothing wrong with that. why

A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the Priest turned to the Rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The Rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The Priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the Rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate? The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh? The Priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith." The Rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the Rabbi says, "Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?" *************************************************