MONKEYWATCH - August 2006

[monkeyman 1,537]

Greetings yet again Monkeywatchers, and welcome to the place where you can enjoy the best of Pattaya’s bad taste without going to Kiss Food And Drink. Here we go then with a look at the last month’s shenanigans in Fun City.

 

A couple of the local police had an unpleasantly excremental experience the other week. They were trying to get a particularly drunken disco reveller to take a urine test and the bloke followed through. Now they really are the boys in brown.

 

A shop owner on Sukhumvit Road recently reported to Pattaya municipal police that he had been beaten up by three men, one of whom he reckoned was a police officer. The other two sound like promising recruits though, don’t they?

 

The Mayor of Pattaya has announced measures to control the increasing thefts of drainage manhole covers. He stated that this was a highly dangerous practice as it meant that tourists had to constantly keep an eye out for lines of tight little holes along the sides of the streets, and people obviously didn’t come to Pattaya for that sort of thing. He apparently became aware of this weighty problem during his check on beach and road improvements in North and Central Pattaya, a task he often carries out while he’s waiting for his kettle to boil.

 

The beloved Mayor also chaired a meeting of the council, which was held to discuss the

three-year Pattaya development plan for 2007-2009 to remedy problems and respond to residents’ needs. The desired results were swiftly achieved when they all resigned on the spot.

 

There’s a few new places been opening in Patts of late, perhaps the most notable being Roxy in Walking Street. Amongst numerous other delights, they have a performance called “The Sadist Show” in which it’s rumoured that the showgirls nick your beer and refuse to be barfined.

 

The work on Beach Road is continuing with its usual gusto, though there’s been some dissent in the ranks of the workforce, who have threatened to boycott the use of wheelbarrows following an increase in dangerous overtaking manoeuvres by local snails.

 

There’s been a story going round that a suicide bomber wandered into New Living Dolls 1 on a Wednesday night, saw the free beer and barfines, and was confused into thinking that his bomb must have already gone off. Sorry Abdul, but if Heavens Above was your spiritual goal, you were on the wrong side of the street.

 

It’s been rumoured that in an attempt to eradicate rowdy behaviour in Pattaya, the local authorities have decreed that from next month, tourists won’t not be allowed into bars or Go Go’s unless they’re accompanied by a monk. They said this was no different from many of the farang clubs they’d heard about who wouldn’t let you in without a Thai.

 

Things are getting so commercial these days that some of the bar girls are even reported to be accepting credit cards. Sounds a bit dodgy, though finding somewhere to swipe your card could be interesting.

 

Pattaya Tourist Police opened their new headquarters a few weeks ago after moving from Second Road. This was generally reckoned to be a good move, though there were some who felt that the new location should have been a little further away from Beach Road. The most popular suggestion was Baghdad.

 

One of the local hospitals recently conducted some practical training for large-scale road accidents in Thailand by simulating an accident scene. Nice thought boys, but wouldn’t it have been easier to hang around for a few minutes and wait for a real one?

 

There was a bit of a to-do last week on Pratamnuk Mountain in South Pattaya when a construction worker discovered a pile of bones and a white shirt. When police asked him why he didn’t report the find until several hours later, he replied that he’d gone home to get his autograph book as he thought that he’d stumbled upon Michael Jackson on holiday.

 

The wonderful Pattaya Mail newspaper published a story a few days back about a Thai bloke who fell from an electricity pylon after receiving a huge shock, ending it with the immortal line “Police said he would be charged”. Can’t argue with that.

 

Actually, there’s a bit more to this story. Apparently, the feller was trying to steal electricity cables from the pylon when he fell, and he succeeded in blacking out the whole area in the process. When the locals realized what he’d done and that he wasn’t quite dead, they put a curse on him that his sexual organ would fail to operate for the rest of his life. Mind you, as the organ in question was allegedly found on the roof of a hotel three blocks away, some might consider the curse to be a little unnecessary.

 

Finally, a bit of news for the dude who enquired if a certain soon-to-be-opened hotel is a couple of blocks from the water. Yes it is, but they’re hoping to have it all the way to the taps by Christmas.

 

And remember, guys. In life, change is inevitable – except from baht bus drivers.

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

[Braveheart 0]

Another fine addition to the annals of Monkeywatch, complete with the requisite number of groaners.

 

I let out a particularly loud groan after this one.

It’s been rumoured that in an attempt to eradicate rowdy behaviour in Pattaya, the local authorities have decreed that from next month, tourists won’t not be allowed into bars or Go Go’s unless they’re accompanied by a monk. They said this was no different from many of the farang clubs they’d heard about who wouldn’t let you in without a Thai.

 

Til next month, keep 'em coming monkeyman.

[Kev 158]

Nice one Monkeyman you are a riot!

 

[Sa-teef 44]

Nice work again , Monkeyman!

 

Your hospital story is good:

 

"One of the local hospitals recently conducted some practical training for large-scale road accidents in Thailand by simulating an accident scene. Nice thought boys, but wouldn’t it have been easier to hang around for a few minutes and wait for a real one?"

 

But the best hospital story of the month had to be the one where the guy jumps from the window of one hospital and they call an ambulance to take him all the way across town to ANOTHER HOSPITAL?

 

that one defies even thai logic....

 

Thanks for brightenning up our day!

 

 

~Sa-teef

[GoneBamboo 0]

I'm a big fan of the MONKEY WATCH.