Nightmarch

[PattayaPete 530]

Primary Colours: To celebrate its second anniversary the Heaven Above chrome pole palace (upstairs, Soi Diamond) is holding a ‘black & white' theme party on Friday night 11 August. As the name suggests, people are asked to dress in either black or white or a combination of both. The dancing damsels and serving wenches will be similarly attired, although I've no doubt the usual intentional wardrobe malfunctions will occur at regular moments throughout the evening.

 

Howl the Night Away: I'm not quite sure why so many late-night venue operators insist on holding dancing contests on a Sunday evening; perhaps it's the subliminal idea the day holds religious significance and people will come along to ‘pray' at the ‘church' of the chrome pole. Anyway, the Casino Club late-night gyration barn (Soi Diamond) will be holding what they are calling a ‘Coyote Dance Contest' on Sunday night 20 August, starting around 10:00PM. The name of the dance contest, of course, is based around the popular movie Coyote Ugly.

 

Can You Keep a Secret? Not in this town, that's for sure. After a long gestation period, the Secrets all-things-to-all-people establishment is set to launch itself on the Pattaya stage with a ‘soft' opening on or about Tuesday 15 August. This is to be followed by a ‘proper' opening party around the beginning of September. The web forum is apparently one of the most popular on the Internet and once the premises is up and running I fully expect it to become one of Fun Town's fashionable haunts.

 

Pitched at the Top End: The Roxy late-night boogie barn ( Walking Street ) opened its doors on schedule on 27 July. I didn't go, mainly because I'm not keen on opening nights as they tend to give a false impression of a new place. Far better, in my opinion, to wait until the management has ironed out the kinks; then give an opinion. The early reports from those who did venture in are not promising as it looks as though the management are aiming primarily at the tourist market; people who arrive for the first or second time and don't know the value of the baht.

 

This approach failed dismally in the dens of Pattayaland Soi 2 and unless Roxy has something really special to offer it will probably remain outside the sphere of ex-pat spending. That's OK, as long as they realise they're not going to win a great many friends among the locals. I suspect part of the problem is that Big Andy, who was removed to protect one bottom line, is not there to run the marketing and greeting: something he does do very well: be at a cost!

 

Bottoms Up, Again: The success of the first Coyotee's ogling den Best Ass in Pattaya Contest has prompted the operators of the Soi Marina Plaza establishment to schedule a reprise for Sunday night 27 August. Once again, the starting time will be around 11:00PM, thereby giving the competing dancing damsels time to quaff sufficient quantities of alcoholic ‘courage' and get the ‘atmosphere' in the bar just right.

 

The first contest (held on 23 July) consisted of 18 dancers (it was meant to be 20, but two mysteriously disappeared into the cracks; their own or someone else's is yet to be determined), six judges, and a bar full of persons who clearly appreciate a classy rear end. Although the prize money for the first event was originally billed as 15,000 baht to the winner, a late change was made and the money was divided between the top three finishers: 8,000 baht for first, 5,000 baht for second, and 2,000 baht for third.

 

Of the 18 starters, two represented the Diamond ogling den (Soi Diamond) while three others came from somewhere in Soi 8. Their precise place of extra-curricular employment wasn't announced, but I have no doubt many of the beer boozers along Soi 8 saw an unusual increase in turnover the following night. The remaining 15 contestants represented the home team.

 

Among the six judges were Martin from the FLB lounge lizard libation room ( Walking Street ); the unusually nicknamed ‘Hammer' from the progressive Cherry beer boozer (Soi 8), and Daryl, the creator of the Mystique late-night establishment in Bangkok.

 

Although the contest was ostensibly designed to showcase the finer points of dancing derrieres, the majority of the contestants seemed to be under the misguided impression that a wanton display of all their fundamental assets would earn them bonus points.

 

The contest was divided into three rounds. The first round saw four teams of five girls each -minus the two missing in cracktion- gyrating to two songs. The same set of teams then competed in the second round. The only difference was that two judges were given turns at being up close and very personal with a team. Sat on a sofa on the stage, the two were subjected to all kinds of tactile torture as the damsels teasingly thrust various parts of their normally attired anatomies in the faces of these stalwart members of the community. Two of the judges, clearly dedicated to the task of unearthing the best backside in the contest (as well as gaining more than a passing glimpse and grope of the front bits), consented to suffer for their art a second time and bravely placed themselves in harms way by volunteering to sit for a second team.

 

After the second round there was a break while the field was reduced to 10 finalists. They consisted of one girl from Diamond, two from Soi 8 and seven from Coyotee's. At the finish, Khun Oh from the Diamond chrome pole palace snared the 8,000 baht first prize. The runners-up were Khun Nan and Khun Bur, both from Coyotee's.

 

Piece of Pith: A professor was giving a lecture on ‘Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, “Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?”

She replied, “Probably out fishing with his mates!!”