Nightmarch

[PattayaPete 530]

Get Down, Get Up Again: And the winner of the most awful music in Pattaya award is: the Shark gogo (upstairs, Soi Diamond). I spent a lazy hour or so consuming a couple of liver wasters and during that time was subjected to some truly dreadful aural torture. For most of the time the garbage emanating from the speakers was rap, pure and simple. Great hits (in the Bronx and parts of Harlem I would think) like, My Body Odour Smells Like a Rancid Skunk by LJ Lolly Wrapper; or My Home is a Cardboard Box by Black Belly Snake, were only broken up by Deep Purple's Smoke on the Water. I kid you not. OK, the names of the rap noise I may have wrong, but I assure you Deep Purple definitely had a run on the turntable. It has to be pretty bad when my girlfriend asked the question, “Why don't they change the music?”

 

The place has been completely remodelled, quite nicely and comfortably, and is now solely a table dancing operation like its other brethren, Tiger Club and Shark Club. As far as the quality of the dancing damsels is concerned the place could probably be re-named the Laurel & Hardy Den. There were a collection of well-fed cavorters alongside a number who looked quite svelte. Sadly, there just weren't enough of them: I counted a total of not more than 12 ladies of the boots-on-the-table shuffle. Hardly enough to keep a dedicated pervert interested for more than a few minutes, although they are a reasonably friendly bunch.

 

The den, as well as Tiger Club, operates a two-for-one libation offer. The spruikers situated at the bottom of the stairs hand out little tickets which customers are required to hand to a serving wench. House liver wasters are 110 baht each, but hand over the chit and two drinks will appear before you.

 

If the management could double the number of table shufflers on their books and install a brain in the DJ (or attach his testicles to an electrical device and apply a few volts every time he plays a rap ‘tune', ala Pavlov's Dog style) then it could eventually be worth visiting more often.

 

Nothing Too Flash: One of the longest-running gogos around town is Hot & Cold in Soi Post Office. It opens in the early afternoon, like the other pair in the same soi, Far East Rock and Club Nevada. The music is OK, and the drinks prices are very reasonable: lolly water at 60 baht and lady drinks just 80 baht, with draught amber all day and night.

 

The damsels are not the best lookers in town, but I doubt there's anyone who expects much in the way of ‘talent' away from the dens of Walking Street. That said, there are plenty to look at and they come in all shapes, sizes, and age ranges. They're certainly a touchy-feely lot and for customers who may feel the need for a short lie down with an accommodating companion, the total cost will run to 1,300 baht. Considering their lack of dancing apparel when on stage, this doesn't seem too much to pay if the recipient is then able to purchase a nice cardigan or twin-set to provide them with some much-needed modesty.

 

Worth wandering into if you are at a loose end one late afternoon or happen to be out and about in the Soi Post Office/Yamato area.

 

Fay Wray Wants Outta Here: Possibly the longest-running Sierra Tango boozer in Fun Town, the King Kong gobble and go joint in Soi 6 is up for sale. I'm led to believe it's been under the same ownership for 20 years and the woman who holds the keys wants five million baht. Sounds like an ambit amount to me, but I guess it depends on whether the place comes freehold or not.

 

Still Smiling After All These Years: Consistency. If there's one word that can sum up a few palaces of the chrome pole in Fun Town, it's consistency. Only a few have it, but one of those is the Happy gogo (Walking Street). You could stay away from this place for a few months, and I have in recent times, and yet, when you wander back in for a look you can almost guarantee you won't be disappointed.

 

It opens at 8:00PM with a similar happy hour setup to Peppermint (to 9:30PM) and come 9:00PM the place is usually very busy. The main attraction, of course, is the well-stacked main stage, but the dog-leg addition to the left of the entrance is also very popular, offering a small group of dancers who help keep the shareholders of Gillette in dividends as well as others in short black skirts and very tight white shirts whose buttons tend to be very loose.

 

One aspect that seems to have changed in recent times is the inter-action of the dancing damsels with the imbibing public. For more years than I care to remember I used to call the place ‘Unhappy' as so many of the chrome pole molesters seemed to have the attitude their bowel movements possessed a Christian Dior scent. This was a comment I heard from many people and yet I still enjoyed wandering in and inspecting the displaying damsels. Now, I notice (and it may only be because it's currently a very low season) more of the sweet young things are prepared to approach imbibers, even if it is with the stock standard ‘what-you-name-where-you-come-flom-buy-me-dlink' opening lines.

 

A Desire for Clams: A similar situation to Happy exists in its sister den, Peppermint. The place opens at 8:00PM and closes, well, let's just say they have very slow clocks. The bar fine in both Happy and Peppermint is 550 baht for the dancers while the damsels who cavort about in not much more than a lick of lipstick and a pair of shoes require a 600 baht bar fine. The extra probably goes into the clothing fund.

 

Peppermint has a lot going on at the one time, which is part of the reason for its continuing success. Apart from the usual chorus line of stage dancers, there are the busty damsels serving behind the front bar, a small clutch who dances in the flimsiest of clothing opposite the main stage, a number of table dancers and three or four who operate behind a cage. These latter all seem to have taken up shaving.

 

In both Happy and Peppermint the waiting staff is very efficient and friendly, and I've no doubt they do quite well, deservedly, in the tips department. Both places have been at or near the top of the gogo tree for a long time, and I don't see either of them slipping too far down what can be a very quick and slippery pole for a long, long time.

 

Watching the Defectives: Next door to the Coyotee's gogo in Soi Marina Plaza is a little place called the Bondi Burgers Inn. As the name might suggest to some, the place is run by an expat Aussie and offers decent-sized hamburgers (with French fries) at just 100 baht. The place also operates as a boozer with most libations containing alcoholic substances at about 80 baht. Quite a nice place to sit and watch as your favourite damsel of the chrome pole comes sauntering by on her way to her place of employment, or as she clings tighter than a rainforest leech to the latest walking wallet prepared to pay for a night of exchanging bodily fluids.

 

Casting the Net: The second edition of the 52-page glossy magazine Pattaya by Night is now well and truly available on the Internet at either DCO Thailand . Webmaster Danny is steadily recovering from his attempt to imitate a bird by launching himself from a ladder and is back at work.

 

Piece of Pith: ‘Home has nothing to do with hearth, and everything to do with a state of mind;' (Pico Iyer, Video Night in Kathmandu; 1988)