Nightmarch

[PattayaPete 530]

Tis the Season to be Whining: Apparently a local publication recently suggested tourism to Fun Town was down by about 50 percent, at least for the December 2006 period. Certainly there have been plenty of bar owners complaining about comparatively poor takings for this time of the year, although others are wandering about with broad ‘I’ve-just-swallowed-a-cat’ smiles and bulky wallets.

 

From personal observation only, it’s clear to me Pattaya is busy, it’s just that some parts, formerly areas considered to be a litmus test of bar business health, are not doing the numbers they were. I would think the quantity of people coming here are about the same as they’ve been for the past few years but, Soi Buakhow, for example, has exploded with boozers along its entire length in the last two years, and the sois immediately adjacent to this arterial thoroughfare are also a hive of business activity. What this means, in very simple terms, is the tourists are spread far thinner across a much wider area.

 

The other noticeable factor is the increasing numbers of couples, and younger couples at that, frequenting Fun Town. So the ogling dens, which now number about 72, give or take a chrome pole or two, have a thinner customer base while the late night boogie barns and lounge lizard libation rooms are usually quite well patronised. Back at the end of 1992, Fun Town had around 15 ogling dens, so in the space of just over 14 years that figure has grown by a whopping 380 percent. I think I’m pretty safe in saying tourist numbers to Pattaya have not increased by anywhere near this figure in the same period.

 

UP: The FLB lounge lizard libation room (past the big tree on Walking Street) has been a popular fixture due primarily to its website. It also runs regular in-house themed dance contests and this picture shows the end result of one of them. (Photo by DAK)

 

Bucking the Trend: The current high season has seen the vast majority of ogling dens ramp up their dancers’ bar fines from the industry standard 500 baht to anything between 600 and an almost ridiculous 2,000 baht. There are sensible economic reasons for this, primary among them being a desire to discourage the loss of too many dancers early in the night, but the New Living Dolls 1 chrome pole palace (Walking Street) has decided to not only buck the trend but has become the first to actually reduce its bar fine for regular dancers from 500 to 400 baht. This is truly amazing when you consider bar fines for dancing damsels have been a minimum 500 baht for more than 13 years. It’s a brave move and I’ll be interested to see what affect it has on their late-night financial bottom line.

 

Bollocks Intact: Chris Henderson, the founding partner in the Dogs’ Bollocks beer boozer (Soi Yamato), has indeed been back in the Land of Revolving Football Managers (aka, England) for health and family reasons, but claims he has not sold his share in the bar as reported in a recent edition.

 

A Worthwhile Watering Hole: Soi Buakhow is becoming a real mix of the booze and nosh business and the Club Oasis ogling den finally opened its doors on the corner of Soi Chaiyapoom in late December.

 

Formerly a Belgian steakhouse noshery and then a Chinese munching palace, Club Oasis is under the same management as the now-closed Paradise den located farther down the soi. I’m told the owners didn’t have enough dancing staff to stock both places so they opted to close one and concentrate on their new baby. The music in Club Oasis is very good and different: rock and roll from the late 1950s and early 1960s (think Chuck Berry, the Everly Brothers and others whose names escape me in my current state of short attention), and enough of the damsels were moving in something akin to rhythm to completely disprove the spurious argument that Thai girls can’t dance to this sort of material.

 

There were plenty of acceptable chrome pole huggers on show and the den had a really good atmosphere which made it a pleasure to be in. Drinks prices are reasonable with liver wasters at 100 baht, lady drinks 95 baht, and draught amber at 50 baht. Definitely worth a visit.

 

Sumo Do, Sumo Don’t: The Tim ogling den (Second Road) has been around for more years than most people probably care to remember. Sadly, the place hasn’t seen a coat of paint or an update in its music -which is pretty good I have to say, even if it is the same material night after night- for about a hundred years. There are also some serious dangers to shipping cavorting about the solidly-constructed stage. I didn’t think it was possible to purchase a g-string capable of stretching so far across what can only be described as a backside with more ballast than the Queen Mary. I think part of the reason the place is so dimly lit is in an effort to hide the fact there are so many ladies of easy virtue who are closer to pensionable age than half the customers who frequent the establishment.

 

One of the hostesses was wandering about with a Tequila bottle in hand in a fashion suggesting she was more likely to belt you over the head with it than offer you a liver-destroying shot. The final straw came when a woman whose last job must surely have been as a guard in a junkyard (replacing the regulation four-legged battle-scarred mongrel) removed her top and clambered aboard the stage to perform a series of whistle-blowing and dart-firing exercises without using her laughing gear.

 

Perhaps it was no wonder the beer boozer section at the front of Tim’s was packed with imbibers while the den was only about a quarter full.

 

Come to Papa: Down at the Second Road off Soi Diana, the Papagayo lounge lizard libation room is one of those places attempting an upmarket atmosphere in a mid-range location. That said, it is reasonably well laid-out, has a mix of coyote-style dancers as well as hostesses and a moveable feast of freelancing eye candy. Worthy of a stop if you happen to be wandering past.

 

Show Us Your Pink Bits: Yet another ogling den has opened on Walking Street. Called Pinky Girl, it’s on the same side as the Silver Star but about 50 metres further down the road. From the damsels I saw on a brief reconnoitre, the den is owned by the same people who have Nui’s 2 and Hot Girls.

 

Bang for Your Baht: I am sometimes asked why I mention the prices of various libations in many ogling dens. The reason is to give readers an idea of those places representing value for money. I’ve said before I know many people for whom the price of a thirst quencher is immaterial, yet they refuse to be gouged by bar owners. These are not the ‘two-week millionaires’ who pretend they can afford to spend up big. These types blow in and blow out and when they finally attempt to stay here for any length of time you’ll eventually see them scouring the sois for the free buffets and happy hour drinks.

 

As the saying aptly goes, ‘a fool and his money are soon parted’. By way of illustration and comparison with Pattaya I’d like to note the prices for Erotica, a show-style ogling den operating in Soi Bangla in Patong in Phuket. According to a report in the Phuket Gazette, Erotica features around 25 choreographed routines with the dancers having been trained for three months prior to being let loose on the paying public. The salaries for dancers like these tend to be quite high and Phuket has a reputation of being far more expensive than Fun Town. Given the choreography and time spent in training, 150 baht for a house liver waster and bottled Singha at 120 baht at Erotica doesn’t seem too outrageous to me; certainly not in the gouging bracket. And yet we have a number of dens in Walking Street where the price for a liver waster runs around 120-135 baht and bottled Singha 110-120 baht.

 

In most of these places the damsels are hardly top shelf, their numbers limited and only by stretching the meaning of the word ‘dancer’ could they be described as thus. Ask yourself this: why is it possible for a number of the high quality dens to offer very reasonable prices on their libations (and by ‘reasonable’ I mean anywhere from 80-105 baht), have a raft of delectable dancers, and still make a decent profit? They are usually busy for most of the night and deserve to continue to do well. Most of them I happily plug in this column, not because I’m friendly with the owners (I couldn’t care less who owns what bar) but because I genuinely feel these people are offering more bang for your baht and not treating their customers like a bunch of milking cows.

 

Pattayaland Soi 2 provides a classic example of the attitude of treating customers like idiots. In 2000 it was the place for nightlife in Fun Town. Some of the bar owners decided they could do without expats and regulars and simply gouge the unknowing tourists and for a few years now, they’ve been struggling to fill their dens. For example, on a recent Saturday night in the supposed peak of high season I wandered into, and very quickly out of, the Crystals and All Girls ogling dens. It was around 10:30PM and neither place appeared to have more than a handful of chrome pole huggers and the number of customers wouldn’t have filled a phone box. Across the way, the Kitten Club was busier with about 15 or 20 damsels in dancing attire and a small posse of attractive lasses giving their shapely frames a good wash in the well-sudsed tub.

 

Piece of Pith: Don’t squat with your spurs on.

[Eneukman 1]

 

Sumo Do, Sumo Don’t: The Tim ogling den (Second Road) has been around for more years than most people probably care to remember. Sadly, the place hasn’t seen a coat of paint or an update in its music -which is pretty good I have to say, even if it is the same material night after night- for about a hundred years. There are also some serious dangers to shipping cavorting about the solidly-constructed stage. I didn’t think it was possible to purchase a g-string capable of stretching so far across what can only be described as a backside with more ballast than the Queen Mary. I think part of the reason the place is so dimly lit is in an effort to hide the fact there are so many ladies of easy virtue who are closer to pensionable age than half the customers who frequent the establishment.

 

One of the hostesses was wandering about with a Tequila bottle in hand in a fashion suggesting she was more likely to belt you over the head with it than offer you a liver-destroying shot. The final straw came when a woman whose last job must surely have been as a guard in a junkyard (replacing the regulation four-legged battle-scarred mongrel) removed her top and clambered aboard the stage to perform a series of whistle-blowing and dart-firing exercises without using her laughing gear.

 

Perhaps it was no wonder the beer boozer section at the front of Tim’s was packed with imbibers while the den was only about a quarter full.

 

I was in Tim's Beer Bar the other night and had the misfortune to witness the above mentioned show. The female in question was, as Duncan Stearn says, well past her sell by date. I sincerely hope NEVER to see that show again. Once was one time too many.

 

Alan