Nightmarch

[PattayaPete 530]

The New Dynamic: I decided to take more notice of the mix of perambulators on Walking Street on a recent evening foray and there’s no doubt if the happy loving couples (and their pre-pubescent sprogs) and the clusters of north Asian noodles are taken out of the equation, the numbers do tend to look thinner than in recent years.

 

A comment made to me by more than one person has been the ease of obtaining a seat in places such as the Peppermint and Happy ogling dens. Certainly in the past two high seasons it was not unusual for one or both of these dens to have a ‘house full, come back in 15 minutes’ sign across the door. That hasn’t happened this year, even though both places are still doing a good trade.

 

On the same night, I took a wander along Second Road and noted long-established places such as the Bodega and Wonderful beer boozers, between Soi Post Office and Soi Yamato, were all pretty full and the Malibu show boozer was packed, primarily with couples enjoying what is a poor relation to the glitzy and polished Tiffany and Alcazar shows, but is nevertheless a great laugh.

 

Sympathy for the Devil: Soi Buakhow (aka The English Patient) and its satellite sois continue to grow in terms of new boozers and nosheries, with punters seemingly opting to spend many of their holiday nights trawling in this area rather than down in Sois 7 and 8 and even Walking Street. The new Hell Club in Soi LK Metro is actually the Eden Club under a new name and management. The Eden Club, a Pattaya franchise of the very successful joint in Bangkok, opened on 27 December but was ill-fated when one of the partners had a heart attack the following day and, just two days after this, the second partner died. The original partner decided to close the club and it has since been sold to a new team and re-opened as the Hell Club on 6 January.

 

Although it is under new management, the Hell Club will be maintaining a close connection with the original Eden Club in Bangkok, with some of the damsels of extremely easy virtue making the trek from the capital to take on the tumescent swordsmen of Fun Town.

 

The Old, the New, the Opened, the Closed, the Survivors: The moveable feast that is the Fun Town night entertainment scene, especially as it relates to the chrome pole palaces, provides a constant source of information but requires an almost eyes-in-the-back-of-your-head, 24/7, north-south vigilance. Given that this column only appears once every two weeks, it’s amazing just how much can change.

 

For example, at the beginning of December last year, the long-established Spicy Girls ogling den (in gender-confused Pattayaland Soi 1) closed its doors due to a severe shortage of the very product required to lure punters through the portals: namely, dancing maidens. The closure appeared as though it might be permanent. Happily, the management of the den have been able to regroup and the place is well and truly back open for business with a new and brighter frontage, including a table in an alcove out front for those who just want to have a quiet drink and watch the street.

 

Not so the Hot & Cold II ogling den (Soi Yamato). It’s had a couple of openings and closings and it’s currently in yet another of its ‘closing’ phases. I’m surprised someone ever bothered trying such a poor excuse for a den in the soi, especially as its elder sibling is only in the next soi. Once again I think a severe shortage of chrome pole huggers has forced this latest closure.

 

Given its general lack of ambience and the prices of its libations, and, more importantly, lack of quality females, The Roof late-night boogie barn (Walking Street) also closed in January. It’s been a successful beer boozer, an average ogling den, and a failed head-bangers palace, perhaps the owners might want to try something unique like a foot massage parlour, a tailor shop, or a restaurant?

 

Of course, as we have seen in the last three years especially, everyone wants to run an ogling den and the owners of Blue Lagoon (Center Condo, South Pattaya) have opened a second den, imaginatively-named Blue Lagoon II, at the rear of the Best Friend booze bar complex (Beach Road). My understanding is the place was due to turn on the fairy lights around 21 January, but when that exalted evening arrived there was no sign of anything resembling life anywhere hear the joint. If and when it does open it’ll make the current total of chrome pole palaces 73, or is it 74? or 72? Who cares; there are already too many, and the word being openly whispered around town is that come the end of what is passing for high season we’ll be seeing quite a shakeout in the chrome pole ranks.

 

While on the subject of Blue Lagoon, I wandered in with a couple of mates recently and have to say the music is good and there were quite a number of chrome pole molesters scattered around. Apart from one or two they were of the standard off-Walking Street class, but the ambience was good enough to put the place on a return visit list. There is an occasional pool (as in water, not coloured balls) show where lithe young maidens dressed only in their birthday suits dive for ping-pong balls, a bit like trained seals in a circus. Anyone who recalls the great pool shows of a few years ago in the Freeway ogling den would probably appreciate this sidelight.

 

After a somewhat shaky start, the Angelwitch show den (Soi 15) celebrated its first anniversary in early January with a party that saw the place host a standing-room only crowd. Reports from various sources tell me the standard of chrome pole molester is now among the best around, as are the show girls. I can’t say the same for the XXX ogling den, just down and across the same soi as Angelwitch. The place is the size of a broom closet and libations are way over-priced at 125 baht for a liver waster, especially when the numbers and quality of damsels don’t even approach that of Angelwitch or even What’s Up.

 

As of the deadline for this missive, the Club 69 ogling den, sighted right next door to XXX and Baby Dolls, is yet to open, even though there have been at least three tentative dates set for it to make its debut.

 

Blowing Air: In most places taking a different girl from a boozer can lead to problems, between the damsels, but recently in The Dollhouse ogling den (Walking Street) a customer took first one dancer for a short time of horizontal folk dancing, came back with her and chose a second ‘victim’. After paying the 600 baht bar fine he went off into the evening, only to return a little while later and choose a third horizontal sounding board. Some time later he made his way back into the den and selected a fourth mattress dancer. I think only time, and weak legs, stopped him coming back for yet another selection. In recent times the Dollhouse line-up has changed and there are now a raft of lean bodies molesting the chrome poles and the music is good danceable material, no techno allowed.

 

Impounding the Soap: The main attraction in the X-Zone ogling den (Covent Garden complex) is the regular soapy massage shows performed by some of the cleanest dancing damsels in Fun Town. This kind of entertainment is hardly unique in these parts but on 16 January a regiment of peelers allegedly representing the Chonburi branch of law enforcement launched a raid on the premises. Although X-Zone was closed down for the rest of that night, it was open again for orifice cleaning activities the following night, but rumour has it the den is facing an imminent 30-day closure order (unless of course they can find a brown paper bag stuffed with coloured paper and bearing numerals starting with 1 and ending with a triple zero that can then be offered as tea money).

 

Not the Name of an Endangered Animal: Being an Aussie I’m no judge of Mexican or Tex-Mex nosh. However, my American mate certainly is, coming as he does from southern California. We’ve gone into the Sunset Cantina, located inside the Jasmine Hotel, on Soi BJ (off Walking Street) quite a few times and have really enjoyed the grub. If this joint was right on Walking Street it would probably be packed out every night. My personal dish of choice is the Californian Enchilada (which sounds suspiciously like a small hole-digging marsupial), at 100 baht I think it’s one of the best value for money meals in Fun Town.

 

Is there a Doctor in the House? After years of e-mails and exchanging information, I finally made it into The Clinic (Soi Yamato) when mine host Deadly Derek was in residence and made myself known to him. We had a great chat about all things Fun Town and there’s no doubt Derek has a great sense of humour. I especially enjoyed his description of his serving wenches whom he describes as SPO’s: Service Prevention Officers. Not only funny, but pretty much spot on for almost every joint in Pattaya.

 

Tales from the Crib: So who’s the ogling den owner who took a chrome pole hugger from a Soi Diamond establishment after she offered to pay half the bar fine and let him enjoy his jollies for free if he was able to make her achieve the delights of orgasm? He claims he managed to give her a triple treat. The moral of the story is simple. Apart from the desire for lots of money very quickly, there happen to be a good many females who enjoy a stirring session of mattress dancing.

 

More Money than Sense: The owner of one prominent ogling den mentioned he’d had a hostess who stopped work after an Englishman offered to give her 200,000 baht a month (no, there is not an extra nought in that figure). Apparently, the girl didn’t know how to use her PIN number and access the money in the account from the ATM, so the mamasan kindly offered to help, for a modest 10 percent fee. The girl accepted this magnanimous offer, but the machine would only cough up 20,000 baht per day. Since this was the mamasans agreed fee, she naturally pocketed the money the first time they accessed the account. The girl wasn’t too impressed and neither was the bar owner when he found out. The mamasan is now working elsewhere. I don’t know what happened, but after two months the girl was looking for her old job back. Maybe the man with too much money, now back in England, finally woke up to the ridiculous nature of his largesse.

 

Piece of Pith: If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.