Nightmarch

[PattayaPete 530]

Gardening Uphill: The Pattayaland Soi 2 area continues to undergo a series of changes and can now probably be termed just as ‘gender-confused’ as its cousin Pattayaland Soi 1 with two former chrome pole palaces seeking solace in the rainbow baht. The Crystals ogling den has been bent over and converted into a pink palace by the Top Class Entertainment management; probably a wise move considering the place has been going downhill faster than an Everest avalanche in recent times. It began life as Bubbles, back in about 1998 if my addled memory serves me correctly, and for some time could lay claim to being one of the best dens of the chrome pole in Fun Town. By the time the cosmetic surgery of a name change was made a few years ago it had long since slipped down the ratings.

 

Across the way, in the small laneway linking Pattayaland Soi 1 with Soi 2, a swish-looking joint called Vassa (short for Vaseline perhaps?) has just opened its doors on what used to be the site of your typical beer boozer. The demise of Crystals reduces the number of distaff chrome pole palaces run by Top Class to just two: All Girls and Rodeo Girls. The former Jupiter’s (formerly Planet Rock) also turned the other cheek and became Wild West Boys a few months back. Perhaps the reduction to two dens is going to prove a strategically smart move because Rodeo Girls, when I wandered in late on a Sunday evening recently, could probably lay claim to being the best ogling den in the soi and, with a few tweaks at the edges, could easily be ranked among the best away from Walking Street. Let me point out the things I think are wrong: the music is truly awful. In the time I spent in the den the only aural stimulation emanating from the speakers was rap. Not hip hop, nor techno, house, or trance, but rap; and it was of the kind that begs to be upgraded into a four-letter word: crap. The lady drinks, a glass of cola, are 150 baht, thereby making them the most expensive libation in a bog-standard ogling den in Pattaya.

 

At least management have had the good grace to put up prominent notices indicating the price. Now for the good points: the dancing damsels were all, bar a couple, worthy of donning the g-string and high-heel stompers. They were, in the main, young, slim, and attractive and attempted to gain eye contact and smile at the customers. The place wasn’t busy, with only four or five customers when I went in, but every one of them had one or two attentive wallet-emptiers by his side and they seemed to be enjoying themselves immensely. Rodeo Girls has had an extensive refit and now boasts long two-tiered bench seating on the left-hand side as you go in and there are five girls dancing at any one time. Worth a look if you can handle ©rap music.

 

Super Lot That: Naming your den, or dens, ‘Super’ you would think could easily be a recipe for ridicule, especially as the expectation of the average customer wandering through the portals might be subliminally geared to seeing ‘super’ bodies and faces. Thankfully, in the case of the Super Baby and Super Girl ogling dens (Soi Diamond), the tag ‘super’ is not misplaced. Khun Pradid, the very amiable but nonetheless sharp-eyed entrepreneur who has owned and run both joints for many years, pays especial attention to his super ‘Baby’. I don’t know if he sticks them on the scales or has a special height-to-weight formula but the cast of chrome pole huggers in this particular den almost always look to be fashioned from a similar mould: young and lean.

 

It’s rare to find a damsel whose looks would ‘take your breath away’, but equally, it’s rare to find one about whom you could be overly critical. This consistency is one of the reasons both Super Baby and Super Girl are always well patronised, especially by the north Asian crowd as well as a dedicated expat clientele.

 

Release the Devil Inside: The Hell Club (Soi LK Metro, off Soi Buakhow), the clone of the well-known Eden Club in Bangkok, should probably be called orgasm heaven for those with eclectic physical tastes in the mattress dancing department. For an hour and a half, a customer with the tooled-up energy of a latter-day Casanova, or the rock-hard power provided by the Pfizer Corporation and its little blue pills, can entertain or be entertained by, a couple of the most willing mattress actresses this side of a nymphomaniacs convention.

 

The ‘menu’ is as extensive and wide-ranging as the Maquis de Sade’s imagination and covers most of the horizontal activities portrayed in such celluloid skin-flick classics as Hung Like a Donkey, Hee Haw, Hee Haw; Philippa Fondles Fifteen Farmers or Lesbos Lisbeth Licks More Lips. If you are into restraining bracelets -either worn by you or the girls- or you fancy nurses uniforms (although when I asked if they had one to fit me the management seemed to find this amusing) or you would like to have a firecracker inserted in your clacker while a birthday-suited damsel blows smoke rings through a penny-whistle and her partner sings ‘Come As You Are’ in Mongolian while dressed as a yak-herder, then the Hell Club is the place to go.

 

Changed and Different: The Super Models ogling den (Soi Diamond) has been sold and a new manager, from Bangkok, has taken up the reins. From what I understand he has the right kinds of connections to help him in this tough task and my spies claim the den has taken a leap forward in recent weeks. The management of New Living Dolls 1 (Walking Street) are always looking to improve their ‘product’ and to this end recently installed the almost-ubiquitous Jacuzzi and, more innovatively, they have coyote dancers who are all attired in the same fashion as the day they entered the world.

 

A sign has finally been erected outside the defunct The Roof (Walking Street) proclaiming the imminent opening of the Sweethearts ogling den. A new manager in the Club Electric Blue Jnr chrome pole palace (Soi Diamond) I’m told is starting to bring a few more customers into the joint.

 

Heaven Above (Soi Diamond) are back to promoting their happy hour with nicely printed free drink vouchers offering draught amber, house liver wasters and Thai rotgut from 8:00PM until 9:30PM. The showgirls, as with most dens nowadays, don’t make an ‘entrance’ until a few minutes before their first shows get under way a little before 10:00 PM. The current crop of showgirls is a mix of some long-term faces and a few tasty new recruits.

 

Around in Soi 15 the Venus lounge lizard libation room has closed its doors after failing to attract enough customers to keep the shutters up. The former Camel Club was taken over by new management last year and played good music but lacked the numbers and quality of damsels to keep if afloat.

 

Although the Stringfellows all-cock-and-no-pussy den (Soi Yamato) is the only dancing palace for boys who would be girls, in adjoining Soi Post Office the Far East Rock ogling den could easily be re-named Far East Cock after 7:00PM judging by the ‘girls’ with deep voices who sit outside trying to entice customers into the den. Yet, during the afternoon, it is very much a distaff dancing den.

 

The Club Oasis ogling den (Soi Buakhow) continues to pack the punters in most nights from its early opening at 7:00PM and I’m led to believe the management are planning to reduce some of their drinks prices as low season approaches in order to keep their customers satisfied.

 

Foaming at More Than the Mouth: Even a deaf, dumb, and blind person would soon realise many of the cavorting damsels in the What’s Up ogling den (Soi 15) really enjoy the company of their fellow chrome pole molesters and soap suds appliers. The den is deservedly busy most nights with the large bathtub proving a major attraction for the amateur gynaecologist crowd and persons obsessively concerned with cleanliness. Any punter who takes a damsel out for an organ recital can be pretty sure every orifice has been cleaned and polished to the point of squeakiness. For many of the girls the island of Lesbos would be viewed as their spiritual home.

 

Show Us Your Tatts: The Diamond ogling den (Soi Diamond) will be having a Sexy Tattoo Show contest for Saturday 24 March, starting around 11:00PM. Outside will be a tattoo artist who will be offering to stick needles in tender skin at a 50 percent discount. This will be the first show/contest of its kind in Fun Town and the den should be full of damsels for whom a tattoo needle is just a small prick on the way to a fashion statement.

 

Note the Parallels: The following is a note written by a G. Thomas in November 1936: ‘Shanghai is a large modern city, notable mainly for the mad whirl in which it lives and its amazingly cosmopolitan population. It is a world unto itself. Many of the foreigners here seem to have lost their home ties. On the other hand they know less about China and the Chinese than the person who stays home and reads about it.’ Substitute the word ‘Pattaya’ for ‘Shanghai’ and ‘Thailand’ and the ‘Thais’ for China and the Chinese and I think it would not be an unfair comparison, albeit 70 years later.

 

Piece of Pith: Age doesn’t always bring wisdom. Sometimes it comes alone.