Top Four Adult Jokes for 2007

[nohlsson1 19]

Fourth Place :

 

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.

 

 

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.

 

 

" She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

 

 

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Third Place :

 

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

 

The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.

 

 

" The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

 

"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

 

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Runner Up:

 

 

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years

when he come home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He said he had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it. Bill said he would be too embarrassed.

He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

 

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

 

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

 

 

"Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed. "Yes, I did." he replied.

 

 

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

 

 

"I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

 

 

"Oh...she got fired too."

 

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Winner:

 

 

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think. Fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

 

" I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."

 

 

"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times." Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

 

 

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

[ozboy 31]

My Resume

 

 

 

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.

 

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

 

3. After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

 

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

 

5. Then, I tried to be a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

 

6. Next, I attem pted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard.

 

7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

 

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn't have any patien ce.

 

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.

 

10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

 

11. I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

 

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

 

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

 

14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

 

15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND FOUND THAT I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!