heres a few

[pattaya_mad 208]

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.

 

"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, and it’s an absolute steal at only $20."

 

"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.

 

"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity".

 

"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot". So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.

 

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman. "F**k me, a new brothel and a new madam".

 

"I'm not a madam and this is not a brothel" scolds the woman trying not to laugh.

 

A little later the womans two teenage daughters arrive home.

 

"Un f**king-believable. A new brothel, a new madam, and now two new prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters.

 

"Mum, tell your parrot to shut up, we're not prostitutes" complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their new pet.

 

A short while later, the woman's husband Dave comes home.

 

"In f**king-credible, a new brothel, a new madam, new prostitutes, but the same old clients. How ya doin', Dave?"

 

 

_________________________________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."

 

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me always, I will grant you one wish".

 

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."

 

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think

would honour and glorify me."

 

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy"

 

After a few minutes God said.........

 

"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

 

 

 

_________________________________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

 

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes straight to hell where Satan is waiting for him.

 

"Hmm, I don't know what to do here" says Satan, "You're on my list but I have no room for you, but you definitely have to stay here. Tell you what I'm going to do. I have three people who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you will have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves, but your choice will be FINAL."

 

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. Satan opened the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy, and a large pool of water. He kept resurfacing over and over, gasping for air. Such was his fate in hell.

 

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

 

Then Satan led George to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time, and more rocks appeared.

 

"No!" said George, "I've a problem with my shoulder and would be in constant pain."

 

Satan opened a third room and in it was Bill Clinton, lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

 

George Bush looked at this in disbelief and finally said, "YEAH, I can handle this."

 

Satan then smiled and said, "Okay, Monica, you're free to go!"

 

_________________________________________________________________________________________

 

 

A man walks into the bar and the bartender notices that the man has an incredibly small head. After getting the man a beer, the bartender asks, "What happened to you head?" The man states, "Well, I was stranded on this beach and up on the shore washes a bottle. I took the bottle and began to wipe it off, when out pops a beautiful girl genie, the sexiest woman I have ever seen in my life. She looks at me and tells me that as a reward for releasing her, I can have one wish. I thought about it and told her that I wished she and I could spend the rest of our lives making mad passionate love to each other. She then tells me that this is one wish that she cannot fulfill, and to make another one..."

 

"So, what happened?" asked the bartender

 

"Without thinking, " replied the man, "I blurted out 'so I suppose a little head would be out of the question?' "

 

________________________________________________________________________________________

 

A woman goes to the doctors,doctor my husband can't perform any more what shall i do?

 

Get him to take these little blue diamond shaped pills [u know the ones i mean] said the doc.

 

He won't take pills the woman says

 

Slip them in his coffee the doc says.

 

A week later she returns to the doc , how did it go the doc says

 

Terrible says the woman

 

Did they not work when you slipped them into his coffee says the doc

 

Oh yes , the sex is magnificent says the woman but i daren't show my face in Starbucks ever again

 

 

_________________________________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

A little boy asks his mom, "Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on daddy's belly last night?"

 

Mom replies, "I have to do that honey, otherwise daddy's belly will get fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny."

 

The youngster says, "That's not going to work."

 

"Why not?" asked the mother

 

"Because the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again!"

Edited April 7, 2008 by pattaya_mad

[soi unwise 6]

Entertaining,well done.

[pattaya_mad 208]

A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a

short time period.

 

Because Ma was a bit worried about how their sex life would get

started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the

honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

 

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.

The card said nothing but "Nescafe".

Ma was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the

Nescafe jar. It said: "Good 'til the last drop".

Ma blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

 

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and

the card read "Benson & Hedges".

Ma now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read

from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size".

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

 

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Ma waited for

a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a

whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky

handwriting were the words" "British Airways".

 

Ma took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the

pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. The

ad said:

"Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

 

Ma fainted.

Edited April 7, 2008 by pattaya_mad

[pattaya_mad 208]

A builder and a priest are out for a game of golf one afternooon. Unfortunately the builder wasn't very good at the game and every time he missed a shot would shout 'S**t, missed'.

 

The game went on and after several outbursts from the builder, the priest could hold his tongue no longer. "Don't swear like that" he told his friend, "or God will punish you". The builder apologised and the game continued.

 

As soon as he missed another shot the builder shouted "S**t, missed." and continued to do this every time he missed a shot for the next three holes.

 

The priest was starting to get really angry by now and said "I must insist that you stop swearing this instant, otherwise God will hear you and punish you!"

 

Once again, his pleas made no difference as the builder missed an easy putt on the seventeenth green and shouted out "S**t, missed". Immediately the heavens parted and a bolt of lightning flew from the sky, hitting the priest right in the arse and sending him flying.

 

Suddenly, a booming voice was heard in the clouds, "S**t, missed!"

Edited April 7, 2008 by pattaya_mad

[pattaya_mad 208]

Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George W. Bush went to a fitness spa together for some fun. After a stimulating, healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the men's room. They found a strange looking gent sitting at the entrance.

 

He said, "Welcome to the gentlemen's room. Be sure to check out our newest feature, a mirror that, if you look into it and say something truthful, will reward you with your wish. BUT BE WARNED! If you say something FALSE, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"

 

The three men quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, Bill Clinton stepped up and said, "I think I am the most intelligent of us three!" Suddenly 'POOF' - he found the keys to a brand new Bentley in his hands.

 

Al Gore stepped up to the mirror and said,"I think I am the most aware of the environmental problems of us three," and again, 'POOF' he was surrounded by a pile of money to fund his next Presidential Campaign.

 

Excited over the possibility of finally having a wish come true, George W. Bush looked into the mirror and said, "I think...," and was promptly sucked into the mirror.

 

_________________________________________________________________________________________

 

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, "Jesus is watching you."

 

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Totally rattled, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

 

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

 

 

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are, anyway?"

 

"Moses," replied the bird.

 

"Moses!" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"

 

The bird promptly answered, "The same kind of people who would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'!"

Edited April 7, 2008 by pattaya_mad

[pattaya_mad 208]

________________________________________________________________________________________

 

 

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.

He was in obvious agony lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments then asked....

"How does that feel?"........

 

He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell".

[pattaya_mad 208]

________________________________________________________________________________________

 

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married

again. So she put an ad in the local newspaper that read:

 

HUSBAND WANTED

MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),

MUST NOT BEAT ME,

MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,

AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!

 

ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

 

On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair.

 

He had no arms or legs. "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow said. "Just look at you - you have no legs!"

 

The old gentleman smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

 

"And you have no arms"

 

Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

 

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in

bed??"

 

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, "I rang the

doorbell, didn't I?"

[pattaya_mad 208]

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for 100 dollars?"

 

"Are you nuts?", she replies. And keeps walking away. He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for 1,000 dollars?" he asks again. "Listen sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?" So the guy runs again around the next block and faces her again: "Would let me bite your breasts for 10,000 dollars?" She thinks about it for a while and says "Hmmm 10,000 dollars eh? Ok, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there" So they go to that alley and she takes off the blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them he jumps on them and start caressing them, fondling hem, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them... but no biting. In the end the woman gets all annoyed and asks: "Are you gonna bite them or what?" "Nah", he replies. "Too expensive."