Monkeywatch - December 2009

[monkeyman 1,604]

Greeting Monkeywatchers, and welcome to our festive edition as we remember The Nativity, the story which taught us all that you won't get a room at Christmas if you haven't booked in advance.

 

 

A gathering of 3500 newly recruited bureaucrats was addressed by the Interior Minister at a two-day seminar in Jomtien the other week. They were told, amongst other things, that they must protect the country and abolish drugs. And no doubt during their lunch breaks they'll be eliminating poverty, ending war and reversing climate change.

 

 

November 14 saw the opening of Louis Tussaud's Waxworks at Royal Garden Plaza. The place has already courted controversy by erecting a large effigy of Adolf Hitler on the outskirts of Pattaya, though they later made amends by replacing it with effigies of Osama bin Laden and Gary Glitter.

 

 

Desperate for a girl? Ring 'Dial A Slapper' and they'll have one with you in five minutes…

 

 

 

 

And now, a little snippet from Bangkok. It seems that the Nana Hotel (aka the Cockroach Hilton) has adopted a policy that you can only take one lady at a time to your room. Well, they've got their good name to think of, haven't they?

 

 

Three Thai blokes who were about to vandalise a phone box in Jomtien last Thursday got more than they bargained for when they were attacked by a group of civil volunteers who were working nearby. The volunteers beat the men with pieces of the phone that they ripped out of the box then smashed their heads through every pane of glass in the cubicle to subdue them until the police turned up. The police commended the plucky volunteers for their valuable help in eradicating the scourge of telephone box vandalism.

 

 

Thailand's British Ambassador Quinton Quayle (no, really) is trying to persuade all British expats and tourists to register with a new tracker service set up by the UK's Foreign and Commonwealth Office so that if necessary they "will be able to contact your next of kin and locate you". Nice try Quint. Perhaps you'd like to strap a CCTV camera to my dick while you're at it.

 

 

If your Thai girlfriend complains that you never give her an orgasm, try showing her this…

 

 

 

 

Bar news next, and this month it's been the turn of Club Blu to be piss-tested as the now familiar druggie/tea money raids continue. Nice work if you're into water sports though. What's Up is to open its upstairs floor to the public in a couple of weeks time. The new bit, which will be called What's Up Imagine, will apparently have a completely different concept to the bar downstairs. Blokes putting their clothes on, maybe? Not much else to report except for the opening of Cosy A Go Go on Walking Street, which is small, loud and plays crap music. A bit like Elton John really.

 

 

Last Friday, a disaster simulation exercise of a road crash was held on Pattaya Third Road to test if local services could cope. Following the success of this operation, Walking Street has been chosen as the venue for the next disaster simulation exercise in which the bars will run out of beer and the Go Go girls will all perform in anoraks.

 

 

A Thai woman gave herself up to the police the other weekend after killing her partner during an argument. The details are a bit sketchy, but the moral of the story would seem to be "If a Thai woman wants you to put something on the third finger of her left hand, think twice before responding with the second finger of your right".

 

 

If you're worried about climate change, book your airport transfer with Mr Tingtong's Eco-Friendly Taxi Service. He only charges 500 baht and you'll also save on hotel bills as by the time you get to Pattaya it'll be time to go back to the airport to catch your flight home…

 

 

 

 

The other Wednesday morning, the editor of a local Thai newspaper contacted police to report that someone had deposited a pile of shit on his office, though all the attending officers were able to find was a bundle of British tabloid newspapers that had been delivered to his premises by mistake.

 

 

Part of Sukumvit Road had to be closed last Saturday after a large black hole appeared in its surface. An official from the local Highways department initially tried to blame the Hadron Collider for this unfortunate event, but eventually decided to change his story after having a short discussion with a policeman and his truncheon.

 

 

Finally, the Pattaya Longboat and Buffalo Racing Event took place on November 21 and 22 at the Maprachan Reservoir. Final result - longboats won, buffalos drowned.

 

 

be seeing you

 

monkeyman

[baht_miser 9]

And now, a little snippet from Bangkok. It seems that the Nana Hotel (aka the Cockroach Hilton) has adopted a policy that you can only take one lady at a time to your room. Well, they've got their good name to think of, haven't they?

 

 

 

This marks the end of an Era. Nana was the place where anything goes provided they have IDs. (Or, the ID checker is tipped.)