Monkeywatch - February 2010

[monkeyman 1,604]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and if you think you think you've got problems with snow, whenever my girlfriend goes to powder her nose I have lend her a straw. But I digress, so on with the show.

 

 

A Russian tourist was sliced in two by a speedboat the other Monday whilst swimming in a boating channel off the coast of Koh Larn. A police spokesman said they were still trying to locate the man's other half, though it's unclear at this stage whether or not they were referring to his wife.

 

 

Last week saw the staging of the Cowboy Music Carnival 2010 at Bali Hai Port in South Pattaya. The audience were treated to a selection of old favourites such as 'Cotton-Eyed Jao', 'Yellow Rose of Tha Khlong' and 'Take Me Home, Country Sois'.

 

 

Central Festival Hall was the venue for this year's annual Pattaya Underwater Farting Competition. The winner, Mr Fukkmee Wattapong, set a new tournament record when he produced this startling array of bubbles…

 

 

 

 

The other Monday, a street vendor staggered into Dongtan Police Station to report that he had been robbed at gunpoint while selling bags to tourists. A statement from the police said that this was a clear case of Bagman and Robbin'.

 

 

A Norwegian bloke made a complaint to Pattaya Police the other week that 34,675 baht had gone missing from his hotel safety deposit box. He was immediately arrested for pedantry and placed on the sex offenders' register.

 

 

Speaking of people from cold countries getting robbed, an Icelandic tourist was relieved of his cash a couple of weekends ago by three ladies he had taken to his room. He passed out after drinking a glass of water given to him by one of them and woke up the next morning to find himself ladyless and potless. He told police he suspected that the water was drugged. No shit, Sherlock. The moral of this story is 'avoid water – and anyone who looks like they might be from Iceland'.

 

 

There's always plenty of useful information on hand for new visitors to Pattaya…

 

 

 

 

Police were called to Soi Neun Plub Wan the Friday before last after local residents discovered the body of a construction worker inside a plastic container. The exact circumstances of his death remain a mystery but it has been rumoured that it may lead to Tupperware parties being reclassified as dangerous sports.

 

 

Bar stuff next, so let's start with the bad news (well, not so bad actually). Snowice on Walking Street has closed, as has Limmatquai (aka Poof's Paradise) on Soi Diamond, and Hospita disco on Walking Street shut up shop before most folks even knew it had opened. On the upside, Tramps in Soi Diamond has just reopened as a Go Go with the promise of some new ideas (whatever that means), and the area above the Siren Beer Bar Complex is to be redeveloped yet again for an anticipated reopening in April under the name of Siren Square. It will reputedly feature beer bars and a Go Go, which sounds not entirely dissimilar (as in exactly the same) as its last spectacularly unsuccessful incarnation. Still, it's their money (for now).

 

 

One can't help but feel that it might have been smarter to conduct their tests a little further away from that barbecue in front of the van…

 

 

 

 

Rescue units were called to North Pattaya the Tuesday before last to assist a Thai fellow who'd apparently tried to commit suicide by consuming a bottle of toilet cleaner. A hospital spokesman said they were treating it as a cry for help as if he'd been making a serious attempt he would've swallowed some seawater.

 

 

Officials from Chiang Mai Open Zoo visited Pattaya at the beginning of the month on a fact-finding trip to see how animal parks and zoos operate in the area. They visited Nong Nooch Tropical Gardens and Sriracha Tiger Zoo while noticeably avoiding the Crocodile Park, possibly due to its alarming propensity to turn the surrounding area into something resembling Jurassic Park whenever the crocs decide to take advantage of the establishment's well-documented security shortcomings.

 

 

Finally, to make way for the bar crackdown scheduled to begin this month, the upcoming civil war has had to be postponed until further notice. We apologise for any inconvenience.

 

 

be seeing you

 

monkeyman

 

 

(thanks to short for pic 3)

[m62man 0]

Excellent, as usual.

[Sailfast 503]

Last line was the best...lol

[Siam Sam 964]

A return to form.