Texan chilli Tasting

[xen 0]

These notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was

visiting from Canada. Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a

judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last

moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for

directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in.

 

I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili

wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer

during the tasting, so I accepted".

 

Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)

 

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Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

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Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

 

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

 

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could

remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames

out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

 

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Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili

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Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

 

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

 

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm

supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to

give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw

the look on my face.

 

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Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

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Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

 

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like

I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more

beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is

in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s**t- faced from all of the beer.

 

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Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic

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Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

 

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or

other mild foods, not much of a chili..

 

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to

taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was

standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb bitch is starting to look

HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

 

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Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover

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Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding

considerable kick. Very impressive.

 

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit

the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

 

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can

no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed

paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili

had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding b! y pouring

beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.

It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Screw those rednecks.

 

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Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

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Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices

and peppers.

 

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.

Superb.

 

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,

sulphuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat

through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that

Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I

need to wipe my arse with a snow cone.

 

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Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

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Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

 

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili

peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about

Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing

uncontrollably.

 

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like

it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid

unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my

shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've

decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any

oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck ! it in through the 4-inch hole

in my stomach.

 

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Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili

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Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold

but spicy enough to declare its existence.

 

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor

hot.Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out,

fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's

going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot

chilli !!