Bert Is Evil

[MarsGodOfWar 8]

Just a few excerps from a favourite website

http://www.bertisevil.tv/

 

Bert takes Ernie to a Nudie Bar

We caught Bert dragging Ernie out of their apartment in Sesame Street and decided to follow to where they were going. We were shocked to find the two in a Girlie Bar. Bert was forcing Ernie to get lap dances from all the ladies. Poor Ernie went home crying.

 

The Rape of Prairie Dawn

Bert was caught trying to rape Prairie Dawn in the back side of Sesame. If it wasn't for Luis... Prairie would have been killed. There have also been similar attempts on Betty Lou and Zoe.

 

Hitler and his favorite General

During World War II, General Berhtolomue Kieffer III lead the SS in the burning of the Reichstag. He is known to be one of Hitler's most diabolical Generals. We have reason to believe that he is either a clone or an ancestor of Bert.

 

A photo from Ernie's album

In this photo we borrowed from Ernie's photo album, we see Bert smoking marijuana. He was very active during the 70's and was once seen with famed mass murderer and lunatic Charles Manson. He was even rumored to have been with Manson and his cult during the murder of Sharon Tate.

 

One of the few pictures of Bert with Mr. Hooper

This photo was taken only days before the death of Mr. Hooper. Bert's evil intent so obviously emanates from his eyes. We think he did it. What do you think?

 

Shoot Me Up Elmo

During the early drafts of the Elmo doll idea. This Prototype was released. It was designed by Bert in hopes of teaching little kids to shoot up and extending his target market for drug trade. The plan was halted by Children's Television Workshop and was replaced with a more commercially viable doll.

 

The OJ connection

Dear Sir,

Enclosed you will find a couple of snapshots of Bert conspiring with that infamous ex-football player, ex-moviestar, ex-husband and axe-murderer, O.J. Simpson. It's a well-kept secret that Bert was actually part of O.J.'s defense team during the first trial, and was also the only person in whom O.J. fully confided. Interestingly enough, photograph no. 2 was taken exactly ten minutes before the murders took place. (Also, did you know that yellow lint was found at the crime scene? It's true! It was exhibit no. 156a during the first trial). I know I am putting you and myself at risk for giving you all this information, but the truth must not be stopped. What are a few casualties for the good of man and muppetkind? Use this information well, and good luck.

 

Bert and the KKK

It has long been rumored that Bert was part of the Ku Klux Klan. Latest evidence show that he IS part of the Klan, but more surprisingly, some evidence points to the possibility that he is a founding member. The Klan's pointed cowl was actually patterned after Bert's head. In these photographs, Bert is seen at the burning of the crosses ritual.

 

Unibombert

Previously unreleased, this was the original composite sketch of the Unabomber made from witness information, but was redrawn because it was "kinda funny looking".

In connection with the current FBI investigations into Bert, this original sketch was pulled out again because of the striking resemblance to the muppet.

The case has been reopened and further developments will be posted on this page.

for more info on the Unabomber go to CNN.COM

 

Document from FBI Alien Dossier

This photo taken from the Aliens Dossier of the FBI shows the images of the two most aggressive aliens ever encountered on this planet . The Zeta Reticuli, allegedly responsible for the cattle mutilations, the ebola virus, the bubonic plague and the nuclear age. The Zeta Berticuli, allegedly responsible for infommercials, the deformed frogs of Minnesota and Nonoxynol-9. It is a well supported theory that Bert may be an alien or a muppet/zeta hybrid.

 

Classified Documents of Mars Surveillance

Dear sir,

 

I was recently told of your "Bert is Evil" investigation and thought that you might be interested in the attached image. Understand that this image comes to me from a trusted friend who worked at Jet Propulsion Laboratories between 1975 and 1992. I have no reason to distrust this friend, but he wishes to remain anonymous for fear of retribution.

 

On July 25th, 1976, this picture (frame 35A72) of the Cydonia region of Mars (at 41 deg. N latitude 9.5 deg. longitude) was photographed by Viking Orbiter 1. The mission was to identify potential landing sites for the Viking Lander 2. As you can see this landform bears a striking resemblance to the evil Bert. This photograph was suppressed by higher-ups in our government and an alternate landing site for Viking 2 was selected.

 

What conclusions can we draw from this image? First of all, the only life forms that we know of that developed on Mars were single-celled organisms. Considering the immensity of this formation (2.5 km long x 2.0 km wide x 0.4 km tall) it becomes immediately apparent that the logistics of single-celled organisms building such a stone monument to Bert are mind boggling. Why, it would make the construction of the pyramids at Giza look like a sand castle building contest. According to the facts as I have presented them, ancient Martians by the billions were obviously enslaved by their Bert-worshiping overlords for this project. But why? Is it a mute testament to the devotion of a long dead race to the evil Bert (whom they must have worshipped as a god)? Is it a warning of some kind? As if to tell humanity that we are not welcome in space, that we should go no further? And why Bert? We have no record of a Bert before 1969, and yet here he is immortalized on a rock formation believed to date back to some time between Earth's Precambrian era and the late mezzanine level. Did Bert somehow time travel and convince the ancient Martians to do his bidding? Is it possible that a visionary Martian microbe looked into the future, saw Bert, and was so affected by the evil images that washed over him that this single-celled Nostradamus was compelled to put his visions to rock? I know not. But clearly spending a lot of money on costly Mars probes to investigate this further is warranted.

Note that this image has been digitally enhanced somewhat. But only a little.

 

Lost excerpt of the Pam and Tommy Honeymoon video

During the honeymoon of Pamela and Tommy Lee, the couple went off to the desert to film themselves in a torrid orgy with Bert, (an old drug buddy of Tommy). It was actually Bert who stole the tape and distributed copies of it. Bert edited out the segments that showed him in the video to avoid his incrimination. Tommy and Pamela continue to deny their association with the muppet due to the fear that he might hurt them.

 

Jonestown Massacre

CNN recently did a 20-year anniversery story on the Jonestown Massacre. Sensing a connection, we pushed our sources and came up with the true cause for this incident. We think this image speaks for itself! The vat pictured here contains the cyanide-laced punch which lead to the deaths of nearly 1,000 people.

 

Bert & Osama Bin Laden

Previous rumors of Osama bin Laden (the man believed to be behind the World Trade Center in New York City, Khobar Towers in Saudi Arabia, and U.S. embassies bombings in Kenya and Tanzania) and Bert being Partners in terrorism have now been Confirmed!

This TOP SECRET picture obtained by MSNBC and now in sole possession by the U.S Government was intercepted by My Man in the field, J-roen.

The U.S Government believes that Bert is an informant for Bin Laden, telling Him when and Where to attack. U.S officials have not been able to talk to Bert about this possible connection cause of his Muppet Immunity. The FBI has put Bert on their most wanted list, see picture below.

 

From the Sesame Files

This picture was taken by Big Bird after a Sesame shoot.The picture gives a clear vision of how things really are at the set. Luckily enough little kids never got to see the dark side of Sesame Street.

 

Bert killed beloved Wendy's CEO Dave Thomas

The first picture shows the first encounter between Dave Thomas and Bert; where Dave caught the felt-faced little bastard trying to look up the Clara Peller's skirt (the "Where's the Beef" lady) in 1984.

Recognizing the danger, Dave had his security detail beat the shit out of Bert and subject him to such indignities as a Biggie-sized Frosty enema before having him thrown out of the studio. Citing this

humiliation as well as Dave Thomas's philanthropic support of adoption causes, Bert vowed that he would one day destroy Dave Thomas.

 

For his part, Dave Thomas was one of the first people in America to recognize the pure evil hidden behind Bert's innocent looking striped shirts and single eyebrow. After years of secretly monitoring Bert's lifestyle of hedonism, mercenary treason, and plans

for eventual worldwide domination; Dave authored a tell-all book (the Dave_Exposes_Bert photo) that was

set to be released in February 2002.

 

Bert knew that he would have to strike soon to preserve his meglomaniacal plans. The final picture depicts Bert accosting Dave at a Photo-op. Bert pretended to approach Dave Thomas to apologize for their years of conflict. Being a gentleman, Dave accepted Bert's apology and shook his hand. Alas! Bert had coated his hand with an especially vicious strain of mutated cholesterol which is, of course, harmless to muppets, but the effects were disasterous for Dave as the substance was absorbed through his skin and set forth to clog his arteries at a disasterous rate. Coronary failure after years of heart problems, my ass.

 

Two days after Dave Thomas was laid to rest,the warehouse where all copies of Thomas's written expose of Bert was mysteriously burned to the ground. All of

Dave's personal knowledge of the hidden evil that IS Bert died with him. Who knows if Bert's reign of terror might have ended if Dave Thomas's heroic efforts had prevailed?

 

Bert Mudjaheddin

There isn't a place in the world Bert hasn't seen. Say hello to Bazooka Bert, one of the front men for the Mudjaheddin and the Taliban.

Bert stayed in the region for a while after he had given the locals a training in guerilla warfare. Something Bert picked up in his NSA years.

 

Backdoor sex offender

Bert, truly evil, forcing himself on/inside Ernie after bath time. Poor Ernie had to be treated for this maltreatment and couldn't sit down for a week.

 

Irangate

Iran fully committed to nuke enrichment freeze.... after producing a shitload of nuclear arms - Iran will honor its pledge to the EU to freeze its uranium enrichment program, which could be used to make nuclear weapons, Tehran's chief delegate to the United Nations. Bert however helped speeding up the production before agreements of a draft IAEA resolution on Iran's nuclear program where at hand.

[midlifecrisis 4,029]

He makes Harris Black look like a saint. I hope he doesn't end up in Pattaya!

[MarsGodOfWar 8]

He makes Harris Black look like a saint. I hope he doesn't end up in Pattaya!

 

For all I know he's the real reason behind all the red shirt problems in BK.

[Ergodyne 19]

I hope he doesn't end up in Pattaya!

 

Oh no ! and look who he's with !

 

[Pattaya_Freak 0]

If Bert is a KKK member, why is he helping OJ? Also I always thought Bert and Ernie were gay, what are they doing at a nudie bar?

[Pattaya_Freak 0]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ZXhhl35qUk...feature=related

Edited March 19, 2010 by Pattaya_Freak

[midlifecrisis 4,029]

If Bert is a KKK member, why is he helping OJ? Also I always thought Bert and Ernie were gay, what are they doing at a nudie bar?

That might have been the former Jenny Star Bar

[MarsGodOfWar 8]

If Bert is a KKK member, why is he helping OJ? Also I always thought Bert and Ernie were gay, what are they doing at a nudie bar?

 

Maybe Bert was really only helping so as to keep the real evidence that he did it from coming to light.

 

Ernie is totally straight; Bert on the other hand is whatever is more evil at the time. And corrupting Ernie is always on Berts agenda.

[Ergodyne 19]

Is it just me, or is there a similarity

 

 

 

[MarsGodOfWar 8]

I believe this one to be the original. All others are just poor copies.

 

Easter Island Monolith

A monolith found on the edge of Easter Island known to the natives as "The One that Devours" or "The Evil One" has been found to have an uncanny resemblance to Bert

[Ergodyne 19]

I believe this one to be the original. All others are just poor copies.

 

Easter Island Monolith

A monolith found on the edge of Easter Island known to the natives as "The One that Devours" or "The Evil One" has been found to have an uncanny resemblance to Bert

 

 

[MarsGodOfWar 8]

As I understand it; most of humanities greatest acts of "EVIL" can in some way be attributed to Bert. I believe him to be an immortal alien sent here to corrupt us, before the mass invasion happens.

 

From what I hear there was even an unaired factual episode of X-Files based on the conspiracy of Bert that was so horrific that it was never aired. Apparently there was talk of toning down all the "EVIL" in the episode so it could be aired on TV, but by the time the censors were done with it (probably paid off by Bert), it looked like another episode of Sesame Street, and was eventually aired as such. Yet another attempt at getting the truth out, foiled by Bert.

Edited March 20, 2010 by MarsGodOfWar

[Ergodyne 19]

A simple typing error reveals this

 

[MarsGodOfWar 8]

A simple typing error reveals this

 

 

One of Berts EVIL apprentices. He's even yellow.