Monkeywatch - June 2011

[monkeyman 1,604]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to our midsummer madness edition full of…well, same as usual. Here it is.

A South Pattaya pharmacy has been shut down by police after it was found to be selling unlicensed sex enhancement drugs. The offences came to light after a tourist discovered that the Viagra tablets he had bought from them were in fact laxative pills. "It was terrible" he told police "I didn't know whether I was coming or going".

An English fellow was arrested by Pattaya Immigration Officers the other Tuesday after his shop on Third Road was raided and found to contain numerous sex toys illegal in Thailand, including a large quantity of rubber penises. The man claimed that they weren't in fact penises but models of Prince William that he was hoping to sell to cash in on the British Royal Wedding.

One should of course only buy officially licensed Royal merchandise such as this bust of Prince Charles…

It's been announced that for the duration of the Thai election campaign, nobody will be allowed to even mention the… er, sorry… we're not allowed to mention it.

A sign outside a tailor's shop on Walking Street caught fire the other Wednesday night, giving a passing crowd of rubberneckers yet another sight to gawp at. Nobody was injured in the fire, though the shop is now reported to be having a sale of smoking jackets and blazers.

Speaking of conflagrations, it's been reported that a two million baht fire has destroyed a shipyard in North Pattaya. Christ, if they spend that much on their fires no wonder they've got no money left to buy bloody ships.

The local authorities in Pattaya never miss an opportunity to disseminate useful information to holidaymakers…

Bars news now, and we begin with some high profile departures, namely Hooty's on Walking Street, Liquid Lounge on Soi LK Metro and U Too Bar on Second Road. Fantasy A Go Go has also a gone gone after a very brief life as a "Go Go on demand", though the bar side of the business is still open. Perhaps they should try it as a 7/11 on demand for drinks sales. I think people would flock to something like that. On the plus side, the strangely named Rhino A Go Go is due to open on Walking Street. Something to do with getting the horn I suppose. Or powdered rhino horn. Or who gives a shit.

Nine Uzbekistani prostitutes were arrested in Jomtien the other Thursday after being grassed up by one of their own. Unfortunately, none of the attending officers knew how to spell 'Uzbekistani' on the charge sheet, so they got round the problem by letting them go and arresting nine ladyboys instead.

It's been reported that police are cracking down on motorbike helmets. Won't that break them? They didn't look too strong to start with.

A Vietnamese tour bus was involved in a crash with a car last week while on its way to a Pattaya hotel. Fortunately, only 412 of the passengers were injured.

This is the tour bus in question. The business class accommodation is at the back…

The weekend before last, police 'inspected' some Go Go Bars on Walking Street and two of them were found to be having sex shows. The reports didn't specify how many bars they visited. Two, presumably.

Finally, does anyone remember the 74 touch screen tourist information kiosks that were installed around Pattaya at the beginning of last year at a cost of 37 million baht? No, probably not, because they never actually worked and most of them ended up being dumped on City Hall car park, where they remain to this day. So next time you criticise your local council, just remember, you could do worse.

be seeing you

monkeyman