Afew new (to me) jokes

[sinbinjack 251]

Pete walks into a bar and sees Dave sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face. Pete says "Dave what are you so happy for?"

 

"Well Pete, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here. She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" "I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Pete. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!'

 

She couldn't swim!!."

The next day Pete walks into the bar and sees Dave sitting at the end of the counter with a bigger smile on his face. Pete says "What are you so happy about today Dave?"

 

"Well Pete... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me... tits out to here. She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!'

 

She couldn't swim!!

A couple of days pass and Pete walks into a bar and sees Dave crying over a beer. Pete says "Dave, why are you so sad?"

 

"Well Pete, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here. She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?"

 

"Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her, WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'Its either screw or swim!!'. Then, she pulled down her pants.... she had a dick, Pete !!! She had a great BIG dick!!! .....

....Pete, ..... I CAN'T SWIM!!!"

 

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Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to go and visit her grandmother in the forest and her mother said, "You'd better not go out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because the big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do; he'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and shag your little red socks off."

 

But Little Red Riding Hood pulled out a shotgun and said, "Don't worry Mum, I've got it covered."

 

So she was walking through the forest when she came across the three little pigs. One of them ran out of the brick house and said "You shouldn't be out tonight Little Red Riding Hood! The big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do if he catches you. He'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and shag your little red socks off."

 

So she pulled out the shotgun and said, "Don't worry boys. Got it covered!"

 

As she continued through the forest she came across the big bad wolf and he said, "You shouldn't have come out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and shag your little red socks off."

 

So she lifted up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, lay down on her back with her legs apart, pointed the shotgun at him and said...

 

"NO! You're going to eat me like the book says."

 

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A woman, getting married for the fourth time, goes to a bridal shop and asks for a white dress.

 

"You can't wear white.", reminds the sales clerk, "You've been married three times already."

 

"Of course I can, I'm a virgin!", says the bride. "Impossible", says the sales clerk.

 

"Unfortunately not", the bride explained. "My first husband was a psychologist. All he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist. All he wanted to do was look at it. My third husband was a stamp collector.... God I miss him"

 

 

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A girl is about to tie the knot, and she is watching her

mother bake biscuits in the kitchen. "Mom?" she asks.

"How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?"

The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down, picking the dough up with her snatch. "Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother.

 

So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night. While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor,

lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough, letting out a thunderous fart as she did so.

 

Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away. "What's wrong, honey?" she asked.

 

He replied, "S**t woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any meat at it!"

 

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A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.

After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for

another beer.

This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why

do you keep looking in your pocket?"

 

The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good

enough, I'll go home."

 

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Little Johnny was sitting in class one day.

On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.

 

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God. The teacher praises the little girl, as a little boy raised his hand.

The little boy says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love."

"Very good," said the teacher.

 

The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no", she thought, "I'm not gonna like this.

Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?"

Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet."

The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said,

 

'Oh God, I'm coming!'"

 

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Two old men were sitting in a bar, discussing their wives.

 

The first said, "Last night, I did my wife doggy style - it was great!"

 

"Doggy style?" said the other guy, why, I do it doggy style every night of the week!!

"Wow!!" said the first guy.

 

"Yep" he replied

"I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead!!"

 

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There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!"

Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you."

 

10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock...12 o'clock...

 

Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flys open. In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom.

 

Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys??"

 

No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself.

 

"What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty.

 

"Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!!"

 

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A gorgeous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her and all his professionalism flew out the window. He was overwhelmed with passion and desire and immediately told her to get undressed.

 

After she had disrobed, the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing

so, he said, "Do you know what I am doing?"

 

"Yes," she replied, "You're checking for abrasions and dermatological

abnormalities.

 

"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do

you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.

 

"Yes," she said, "You're checking for lumps which might indicate breast

cancer."

 

"Correct," replied the doctor.

 

Then he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.

 

He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

 

"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes.... which is why I'm here."

.

[muddyleopard 0]

man calls the doctor and says "doctor! doctor! I think my wife is dead" doctor asks what happened, the man says "well the sex is the same but the ironing keeps piling up"...

[Bushcraft 2,579]

Husband to wife: I think we should try changing positions tonight.

 

Wife: Ok, you do the ironing and I'll just sit on the sofa watching the TV and farting.

[N3RGT 118]

Ok here's my two penne'th.

I hear today that there is a new sexual position in the Kama Sutra. It's called "The Plumber"

A spokesman for Kama Sutra, Mr Mallanaga Vatsyayana, when questioned about the new sex act, replied.

"Yes Sir you stay in all day, but no fucker comes " !