Non PC Jokes

[4niceight 32]

6 foot plank thrown through window in Tottenham, Police say Peter Crouch is recovering well!

 

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My mate Paddy has just turned over Argos in Manchester. He's got 1500 catalogues if yer interested

 

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The 100m final at the 2012 Olympics will be just like any other Friday nigh in London, you'll hear a gunshot followed by eight blacks legging it

 

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Boots are reporting that after the looting of their shops throughout London, the only thing left on the shelves is fake tan

 

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Spurs have just signed a new black Italian striker. Grabatelli

 

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Just heard the rioting has spread to Ireland, Paddy has smashed through his PC screen trying to steal from ebay

 

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Police in London are to use a mixture of water and Persil in their cannons. That should stop the coloureds running

 

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Just seen Arsene Wenger on the TV looting a sports trophy shop

 

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Apparently a masked superhero double act were seen on the streets of Tottenham last night. Blackman and Robbing...

 

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Cops stop a Pakki in a transit van on the motorway. Cop says 'You know the limit is 70?' Paki looks behined and says 'Hear that? Three of you will have to get out!'

 

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When I saw all that rioting on Tottenham High Street, I knew I had to find somewhere safe. Somwhere they wouldn't go, if you need me I'm in the Job Centre

 

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The British Government has reacted to worldwide rioting by sending rescue vehicles to evacuate all British Citizens. They have sent three ships to Lybia two planes to Syria and a mini cab to Tottenham

 

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Wow the new Planet of the Apes trailer is amazing...No wait a minute it's Sky News from Tottenham

 

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Following the riots and looting in Tottenham a large number of scousers will not travel down for the match between Spurs and Everton, due to fears that all the best stuff has already been stolen

 

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Following the riots in Tottenham I think it's important to remind ourselves that not all black people are stereotypical thieves and arsonists. The vast majority are infact drug dealers and rapists

 

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The Tottenham branch of Next was broken into last night. No woolen or nylon items were taken as the thieves were mainly cotton pickers

 

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Went to a "Brittle Bones" fundraiser last nigh, cracking atmosphere

 

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I went to see the nurse this morning for my anual check-up. She told me that I have to stop wanking. I asked 'Why?' She replied 'Because I'm trying to examine you'

 

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You'll never guess what came in my mail this morning. It was the post man the sick bastard

 

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I losy my virginity to a retarded girl last night... I wanted my first time to be special

 

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I'm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off light to save the environment. I tried it once and killed a cyclist

 

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I walked into a fancy dress shop and asked for a vampire outfit. The assistant came back with a full Spurs kit. I said 'I think you misunderstood me, I want to look like a count

 

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I was watching tv last night and an advert came on featuring an African baby all covered in flies. I phoned the number on the screen straight away to get one, looks like it works far better than those sticky strips that I usually hang from the ceiling

 

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A snail goes into a bar and orders a beer, the barman says 'We don't serve snails in here.' and throws it out. A month later the snail comes back and says, 'What was that for?'

 

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A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says 'Piss off, you won't bring it back!'

 

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I was in Tesco's and saw this man and woman wrapped in a bar code, I said 'Are you two an item?'

 

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I went to see the doctor this morning and he said you're turning into an airport, I said 'Is it terminal'

 

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Big bad wolf tells Little Red Riding Hood 'Unbutton your top so I can suck yer tits. 'Piss off.' she said pulling down her knickers, 'Eat me like the fucking book says!'

 

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What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Jack Daniels? Jack Daniels comes alive when you add coke

 

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What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Jeremy Clarkson? Jeremy Clarkson is still doing Top Gear

 

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