Monkeywatch - February 2019

monkeyman · February 25, 2019

Greetings Monkeywatchers, showaddy crap to you all, and join us as we celebrate the Chinese New Year, which this time around is the year of the pig – or in the case of Pattaya, the year of the stinking pig. Again. Oh well, off we go.

Fans of the famous Dolphin Roundabout in North Pattaya will be pleased to know that it’s been resurrected. The dead dolphin found on Pattaya Beach, on the other hand, hasn’t.

Pattaya officials have proudly announced that the Russian mafia have finally been driven out of the city. What they inadvertently forgot to mention is that they were driven out by the triads. Same same, but different.

The police have followed this up by issuing a statement declaring that there are no Chinese mafia in Pattaya. This follows previous statements that there are no drugs and no prostitutes in the city. Linguists are still struggling to find a definition of the word “no” that fits comfortably with these statements. Best of luck, boys.

Be the envy of your drinking buddies with the new “Barcrawler” – guarantees you a seat at every bar and you won’t even have to walk there…

Now that the date for the upcoming election has been confirmed as March 24, the Pattaya Business and Tourism Association have been entrusted with the task of ensuring that the voting in the city is both free and fair. The PBTA, as they are generally known, should not be confused with LGBT (Lovers of the Great Beef Torpedo) as they are a respectable business organisation and not just a bunch of attention seeking poofs. Well, not all of them anyway.

Actually, there’s talk of a new group emerging during the election campaign who are disaffected with the country’s membership of the ASEAN group and are advocating something called Thexit. Once free of this heinous organisation, their plans include the immediate deportation of all stinking pigs and the creation of a hard border by building a wall round the entire country. This will apparently free up 350 million baht a week that could be spent on the health service, but won’t be. Sounds promising.

Once upon a time long ago there was a children’s TV film called “The Singing Ringing Tree”, an excruciating abomination from Germany that was probably made as an act of revenge for World War Two, that parents inflicted on baby boomers, probably as a form of aversion therapy to discourage them from watching too much television. Sadly, many of those same baby boomers can now be seen sitting in bars around Pattaya having to endure a new kind of aversion therapy known as “the drinking stinking pig.” Revenge for the British Empire?

It said on the dating site that she was a real dish…

Bar news this month kicks off with the demise of the long standing if nomadic Beach Club, which is to become part of an enlarged Happy A Go Go. Pin-Up A Go Go is joined by Tee Rak A Go Go as a new kid on the block on Walking Street. And the good old former Blues Factory is having another go at Go Go with the upcoming opening of Republic A Go Go. Sounds a bit Ruskie, that one. Speaking of which, the old Living Dolls 1 has been consumed by an expansion to the XO Club. The evil empire is expanding.

Pattaya is currently training 120 new tourist assistants to “improve the tourist experience” for foreign visitors. At the end of the training period they will each be issued a stick with a ball on top, a variety of forged tickets and a large money bag to assist them in their endeavours. Now that’s what you call customer service.

Vintage Pattaya memories now with a look at a couple of bits from Monkeywatch from February 2009…

“The other Monday, police were called to an Exchange Booth on Second Road after staff reported that a Pakistani man had attempted to exchange counterfeit UK bank notes. The man was arrested but later released without charge when he pointed out that on current exchange rates the fake notes were actually worth more than real ones.

A brand spanking new set of traffic lights has been installed on the Sukhumvit Road in Central Pattaya in an attempt to improve the flow of traffic in the area. Large numbers of people are expected to benefit from this imaginative scheme, mainly scrap dealers and undertakers.”

Thai A Yellow Ribbon Round The Oil Palm Tree?...

Pattaya officials and police held a meeting with baht bus drivers on February 8 during which the drivers were lectured about overcharging and insulting tourists. We spoke to one driver who said he didn’t bother to attend as he knew how to do those things already.

Building work has restarted on Pattaya’s new football stadium and officials say they hope to have it completed by 2026. If you think that sounds like a long time, it might be worth noting that construction actually began in 2009. No point in rushing these things, is there?

Finally, Valentine’s Day celebrations in Pattaya were a bit muted this year. Wonder if the decision by officials to rename it STD Day had anything to do with it? If they’d given it some thought they could’ve just shortened the name to VD and got both messages across together. But then when do Thais ever think before thy act?

be seeing you

monkeyman

:chogdee