Monkeywatch - December 2019

[monkeyman]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, a very Merry Christmas to one and all, and welcome to the last of this year’s peeks into the crevices of Slob City. Let the festivities commence.

A new German documentary has done a proper hatchet job on Pattaya, reporting that the place is about as safe as Chicago was in the 1920s with fraud, scams, muggings, bag snatchings and assaults happening on an hourly basis. The local police rose to the challenge immediately by ordering a crackdown on nudity in Go Go bars.  

And if that wasn’t enough, there have also been reports that pollution in Bangkok has risen to record levels, so we can expect that sour-faced little troll from Sweden to start flapping her jaw as well.

Pattaya tourism is suffering a catastrophic decline according to a new report, with high season booking showing a 20 per cent decline from last year. It goes on to say that the Chinese and Koreans are buggering off to Vietnam in increasing numbers and that Pattaya’s last hope lies with Indian tourists. No, stop laughing for a minute, the report claims that they spend an average of 10,000 baht each per day. Okay, you can start laughing again now. It also states they tend to travel in groups of 20-30 (and all on the same bloody baht bus most of the time.)

And just to prove the point…

If you’re planning to visit Jomtien, it may be prudent to avoid engaging in hazardous pursuits such as eating satay pork in a restaurant or using a hotel bathroom, as partaking in these activities has claimed the lives of a local Thai man and a Russian tourist in the last few weeks. The Tourist Authority has already decided to reclassify these activities as dangerous sports and is advising potential visitors to take out the appropriate insurance. Either that or refrain from eating or shitting for the duration of your stay.

A number of 7-Eleven stores stopped using plastic bags a few weeks back to see how things went in advance of the national ban that is to be introduced on January 1. Problems immediately arose in one store when people panic buying plastic bags to beat the national ban were told they’d have to buy a paper bag to put them in before they were allowed to leave the premises. Punches were reportedly thrown and a number of displays were smashed in the ensuing fracas. Police were called when the situation escalated even further and the fighting spilled out onto the street. Several arrests were made and numerous weapons were seized. All leave for riot police has now been cancelled for the beginning of January to cope with the national introduction of this popular eco-friendly policy.

It’s also been announced that no less than eight TV stations will be censoring any programmes featuring plastic bags, and will presumably be carrying warnings such as “The following programme contains scenes depicting plastic bags which some viewers may find offensive.” You couldn’t make it up.

Following the latest disappearance of Pattaya Beach, security nets have been installed to stop the rocks being stolen as well…

Christmas bar news begins with more closures, this time New Star and New Bat Club. The unexpected reopening of Party Girlz a few weeks ago unexpectedly didn’t take place – then last week it did. We also have a new Go Go bar on Walking Street called Spicy Girl, a name from the past (well almost). The girls from the former Peppermint seem to have settled at Baccara if anybody’s interested. No, didn’t think you would be. And the former Hidden has just reopened as the Black Banana Club, though it sounds more like a sports bar than a Go Go.   

A Pattaya coffee shop owner has been criticized for filming one of her customers being attacked with a shoe but not intervening to stop the assault. “You try fighting with the public and filming on a phone at the same time” she retorted when questioned. The police officer in attendance was not impressed and whacked her with one of his boots.

The Ghost of Christmas Past walks among us now, looking back at a pair of yuletide tales from Monkeywatch in December 2009…

“Three Thai blokes who were about to vandalise a phone box in Jomtien last Thursday got more than they bargained for when they were attacked by a group of civil volunteers who were working nearby. The volunteers beat the men with pieces of the phone that they ripped out of the box then smashed their heads through every pane of glass in the cubicle to subdue them until the police turned up. The police commended the plucky volunteers for their valuable help in eradicating the scourge of telephone box vandalism.

Last Friday, a disaster simulation exercise of a road crash was held on Pattaya Third Road to test if local services could cope. Following the success of this operation, Walking Street has been chosen as the venue for the next disaster simulation exercise in which the bars will run out of beer and the Go Go girls will all perform in anoraks.”

The deckchair bans introduced to attract more tourists to Pattaya beach seem to be working well…

 

The latest wheeze by the Tourism Authority to boost numbers is to target first time visitors, concentrating on the usual mixture of dregs and stinking pigs that they seem to favour for some inexplicable reason. They appear to have given up on repeat visitors, presumably because they couldn’t find any. Once bitten, twice shy?

A major fire drill has been conducted at a hotel in Pattaya following a recent incident where a large number of guests had to be evacuated from another hotel following a fire. The hotel in question only suffered minor damage, unlike the one used for the fire drill which burned to the ground. “Well they said they wanted it to be realistic”, mused one participant as he surveyed the smouldering ruins. There’s a moral in there somewhere – but we’re buggered if we can find it. 

There was a bit of a ruck over by Soi Buakhao last week when a row between four street vendors turned into a knife fight. Tourists scrambled to safety as the men hacked and slashed at each other until police arrived and arrested three of the men, the fourth having buggered off before they arrived. They were being escorted to hospital when it was discovered that they were in fact Vietnamese working illegally so, as is customary under Thai law, they were given a bloody good hiding and bundled off to the immigration authorities for immediate deportation. Not exactly a clever way to behave if you’re illegal workers. Silly buggers.

Finally, the government has announced that New Year’s gifts are to be offered to Thais and tourists to “increase happiness.” The military will be providing medical treatment, car repairs and massage services, so if you fancy having a hairy-arsed Thai soldier rubbing baby oil into your dick it sounds like you’re in for a good time. Merry Christmas everybody.

be seeing you

monkeyman

[teelack]

Thanks again for taking the time to give me a slice of Pattaya. I had a quiet chuckle about the end of the New Bat gogo bar. I had come to the conclusion that this place was a secret retirement home for disabled gogo dancers. It really was bizarre from the bean bag chairs for the girls and the armchairs inside the place. It was worth buying a drink just to see the place. May it rest in peace

[monkeyman]

3 hours ago, teelack said:

Thanks again for taking the time to give me a slice of Pattaya. I had a quiet chuckle about the end of the New Bat gogo bar. I had come to the conclusion that this place was a secret retirement home for disabled gogo dancers. It really was bizarre from the bean bag chairs for the girls and the armchairs inside the place. It was worth buying a drink just to see the place. May it rest in peace

It rested in peace from the day it opened.