Monkeywatch - February 2021

[monkeyman 1,604]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for paying us another visit, and welcome to another disease-ridden glance around (used to be) Fun City.

Thailand has now developed its own Covid vaccine and trials will begin next month. First tests will be carried out on migrant workers, and if these prove to be safe then the next round of tests will be conducted on animals. Finally, they’ll be carrying out tests on Thais in three phases, the last of which is not expected to conclude until well into next year. Guess the Thais will have to endure having foreign muck shot into their arms until then. What a bunch of bloody jabsworths.

The lockdown in Pattaya has now ended for domestic tourists and the authorities have come up with a wizard wheeze that they’ve called “Check in Chon Buri Free 500” for some unfathomable reason. The way it works is that tourists booking hotel rooms will receive a 100 baht voucher that can be used in 130 restaurants and tourist spots. So that’s about 77 satang per venue then. These guys really need the foreign tourists back.

A Thai man who attempted a suicide jump from a Pattaya highway bridge was saved from a grisly end on the road below after rescuers successfully positioned a tank of water underneath him to break his fall. Pity they didn’t ask him if he could swim.

This social distancing malarkey is getting seriously out of hand…

A bar in Jomtien has been offering a service called Free Food Friday to help people who are starving. This really needs to be followed by Free Sex Saturday to help people deal with a different kind of starvation. Lovely jub jubbly.

A survey recently carried out by UK health authorities has named Bangkok as the 13^th healthiest city in the world. Presumably they gathered their data without actually visiting the city. Perhaps the next time they open their mouths they should do it in Bangkok after trying to breathe in first.

Thai medical authorities have rejected the idea of a “vaccine passport” as they say that no one knows if the vaccines are 100 percent effective in preventing the virus. Actually, everyone knows that they aren’t, so they basically seem to be saying that quarantine restrictions will last forever. You’ll probably be better off going on holiday to somewhere like Fort Knox – it’ll be easier to get in.

Pandemic budget cuts continue with a minor downsizing of Soi 9 Police Station…

Bars news now, and it looks like Tahitian Queen will not be closing after all, having been rescued by crowd funding. Watch out dudes, they’ll all be after your money now. Another long standing Go Go has, however, fared less well. Far East Rock 2 has closed and looks unlikely to be coming back as all the fixtures and fittings have been removed and taken away.

The mayor of Pattaya has come up with a spiffing new idea to enhance Walking Street – he wants to put a roof on it. Well it might come in handy during the rainy season, but you also have to consider the build-up of heat and the combined aromas of junk food, stale cigarette smoke and stinking pigs, at which point the idea seems rather less attractive. Even more hazardous would be the build-up of farts. If somebody struck a match on a busy night the place would go up like the bloody Hindenburg. Maybe a better idea would be to build a dome over the whole of Thailand and install aircon. Maybe an even better idea would be to forget the whole sodding thing.

Time for our monthly Pattaya history lesson now with a look back at a couple of examples of life in the Monkeywatch of February 2011…

“Following reports of increasing organised crime activity and violence in Pattaya, the boys in brown took decisive action by assembling 350 officers and carrying out a raid on Soi 6. They later explained to irate bar owners that the raid was necessary because they were concerned that drugs might be sold to unsuspecting tourists. So how do you sell drugs to someone without them suspecting?

Undaunted, the local constabulary continued to perpetuate Pattaya’s image as a war zone with further raids, this time on Soi Pattayaland 1, otherwise known as Poof Alley, and Soi Pattayaland 2, otherwise known as…er…Poof Alley.  This was all apparently to rid the streets of crime prior to the Chinese New Year celebrations, for which a brand new crime wave has presumably been planned.”

We never do…

How many Thais does it take to change a light bulb? Well two apparently, the second one being needed to replace the bulb after the first one manages to electrocute himself. Thus it was in the case of a Thai chappie who undertook this relatively innocuous task while his wife was washing the dishes. She heard a strangled cry and rushed into the room to find that her husband was lying on the floor and her marital status had changed to widow. She told rescue workers that the accident may have had something to do with the fact that “the light bulb was not a standard installation.” Ah yes, I think we get the picture now.

A gay rights group is doing its bit to help out during the pandemic by running a food truck that sells meals for as little as 10 baht. Customers can choose from delicacies such as fairy cakes, puff pastry and uphill garden peas. The event is being run by a Mr Brian Hatter, managing director of local firm R. Spandett and Co.

Police made over 70 arrests after raiding a Thai bar in South Pattaya during the early hours of the morning. The bar owner was charged with opening outside legal hours, running a bar without a licence, selling booze without a permit and not having the correct permit for the building. He told police “Well if you’re going to split hairs I’m pissing off”, at which point he legged it down to Bali Hai Pier, jumped off and was last seen swimming towards international waters. Must be lockdown fever. Silly bugger.

Finally, Pattaya golfers have been avidly watching the news for updates on the Tiger Woods car crash. The cause of the accident isn’t known yet, though a police officer at the scene told reporters that there was no sign of any skid marks. Guess they haven’t checked his boxers yet.

be seeing you

monkeyman

[teelack 9,639]

Thanks for getting my day off to a start. Not much of a start but I was alive enough to read it.

Sad about Far East. It was a good afternoon spot for a beer and an ogle and managed to keep more girls going than all the other afternoon clubs in the area combined.

Crowd funding seems to have come a long way since it was people who had a medical condition and wanted to go to Mexico for a cure. Maybe the moral is that Pattaya is something that people need in order to survive!

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