Jokes Thread

[doug 0]

Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when

one asked his friend if he had heard of the

new sex position called rodeo.

 

His friend says, "no, what is it?"

 

"Well, you mount your girlfriend from the back,

reach around and cup her breasts with

both hands.  Then say, 'Boy, those are

almost as nice as your sister's'."

 

Then see if you can hold on for 8 seconds.

[ellobo 0]

of humor …I do not know who does.

 

Off the net.

 

> AIRLINE HUMOR

>

>

> Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by Quantas pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. By the way Quantas is the only major airline that has

> never had an accident. P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log. S stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.

>

> P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

> S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

>

> P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.

> S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

>

> P: Something loose in cockpit.

> S: Something tightened in cockpit.

>

> P: Dead bugs on windshield.

> S: Live bugs on back order!!

>

> P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.

> S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

>

> P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

> S: Evidence removed.

>

> P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

> S: DME volume set to more believable level.

>

> P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

> S: That's what they're there for!

>

> P: IFF inoperative.

> S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

>

> P: Suspected crack in windscreen.

> S: Suspect you're right.

>

> P: Number 3 engine missing.(note: this was for a piston-engined airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly).

> S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

>

> P: Aircraft handles funny.

> S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

>

> P: Radar hums.

> S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

>

> P: Mouse in cockpit.

> S: Cat installed.

[Guest]

2 cannibals are eating a clown, one looks at the other and says"does this taste funny to you"?

[erikaya 0]

stewardess comes out of the cockpit,during a rough ,realy bumpy flight, gasping for air and completly red in her face,her colleque looks at her and ask's her ;lefthandseat or righthand seat?no she answers. :-[they were both on  autopilot,and the throttle was in my ass ::)

[Eneukman 1]

Sisters of Mercy

 

A man was driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign that reads.....

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

 

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which says...

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there is a third...

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION -NEXT  RIGHT

 

His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. On the side of the parking lots, is a somber stone building with a sign on the door that reads.

SISTERS OF MERCY

 

He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and the door is answered by a nun in a long black habit, who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business"...he answers. "Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun.

 

He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented.

The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man,

"Please knock on this door," and leaves.

 

The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs: "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

 

He places the money in the nun's tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut.  As The door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small

sign:  Go in Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy.

[dode 2]

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite

his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Lulu, who

was also a guest, looked intrigued.

 

After the show, Lulu said, "Sean, if Ah'm no bein too forward, Ah'd love tae

hae sex wi an aulder man. Let's go back tae mah place."

 

So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, "If

you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have

even  better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my baws in your left hand

and my wullie in your right hand."

 

Lulu looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay." He sleeps for half an hour,

awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says, "Lulu, that was

wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex

yet. But again, hold my baws in your left  hand, and my wullie in your right

hand." Lulu is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind

blowing.

 

Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks "Sean, tell me,

dis  mah haudin yer baws in mah left hand and yer wullie in mah right

stimulate ye  while ye're sleepin?" Sean replies, "No, but the lasht time I

shlept with a Glashwegian, she shtole my wallet." ;D

[monkeyman 1,604]

What do you get if you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Hells Angel?

 

 

 

 

Someone who comes to your front door and tells YOU to fuck off.