Monkeywatch - August 2026

[monkeyman]

 

Greetings Monkeywatchers, core coon crap for looking in, and welcome to another sweat-drenched edition of our squalid little rag. Let’s dive in.

Thai Immigration are now able to ask incoming visitors to produce evidence that they have sufficient funds to cover their expenses during their stay. One wonders if the amount of funds required varies depending on ethnicity. An Indian was let in with only 2000 baht – even after he said he was holding the cash for the entire tour bus.

Pattaya police have dropped their investigation into the circumstances surrounding a truck being rear-ended after it just turned out to be a bloke with his dick stuck in the exhaust pipe.

The family of a Thai lottery winner are reported to have lost 26 million baht in a tomato investment. Probably all went rotten because they didn’t have room for them in the fridge.

Following a statement that Thailand’s national tsunami warning system is still fully operational, Pattaya gives a similar assurance about its own highly sophisticated system. Oh, it looks like he’s gone for his lunch…

And now, an amazing story. A Pakistani and a Turk have been arrested after raids were carried out on barber shops in Pattaya. They’ve presumably been charged with giving crap haircuts without a work permit. Oh, and the amazing bit is that there’s a Turkish barber shop in existence that actually does haircuts as well as money laundering.

Pattaya residents are being warned about the danger of beehives. Funny, thought that hairstyle disappeared after the sixties. Maybe Pakistani and Turkish barbers have revived it. Might explain why they were arrested – it always looked pretty crap.

Pattaya residents were apparently rather surprised to find that snakes had turned up in beachfront condos. Must be a new TAT initiative to boost tourism. They won’t spend much though – they don’t have any pockets.

For some reason, they issued the chap who fills this in with a white marker pen…

 

Bar news time, and the old Shark A Go Go is reopening as The Party. The former Oasis Cocktail Lounge (otherwise known as Pearls Before Swine) is now renamed After Dark, apparently yet another sports bar. Funny thing about sports bars, when you look at their customers the word ‘sports’ isn’t the first thing that pops into your head, though this place has a gentleman’s club upstairs so maybe they take a more liberal interpretation of the word. Sad to see that the Carousel bars in Soi Diamond have finally gone. Just two holes in the ground now (though at least they’ve been filled in.) Another bit of Pattaya’s history erased.

Just a note for those in Pattaya and around the world who are complaining about how hot it is. Some recent research has produced evidence that the recent global heatwaves are actually being caused by the thinning of the greenhouse gases surrounding the earth. You can therefore feel fully justified in punching a net zero zealot in the face without a twinge of guilt.

Time to wave the past hello now as we delve into the murky depths of a tall tale trio from Monkeywatch in August 2016…

“Reacting swiftly to the latest round of bomb attacks, the government has announced that anybody carrying a rucksack or looking a bit like an Islamist will be shot on sight. The army and police are to be given extra ammunition in case they encounter a group of Muslim backpackers.

Deckchair vendors on Beach Road have been whingeing that their takings this year have been crap compared to the previous 12 months. They blamed everyone from the government to the City Hall Planning Department and the local Tourist Board, but curiously forgot to mention that during this period they’d doubled their deckchair rental charges. Must have slipped their minds.

A bar owner in Britain has created a mobile-free zone by covering his premises in copper wire, thus forcing his customers to interact with each other instead of spending all evening wearing their thumbs out. Interesting idea - if they tried this in Pattaya we might be able to get the Go Go girls to give us more than five consecutive seconds of their obviously valuable time.”

Can you see it as well? Thank God for that…

 

A schoolboy who threw a packet of instant noodles into the alms bowl of a monk visiting his school got his comeuppance when the monk calmly asked the boy for his name then punched his lights out. Following police involvement, the monk reflected that maybe it was time that he left the monkhood and took up a more sedate occupation like basket weaving or lion taming.

Checks have been carried out on several entertainment venues in east Pattaya using the new “Five Safe” rules, which require such establishments to be free of drugs, children, weapons, trafficked humans and safety threats. Nothing was found at any of the venues, though it was later reported that one club had broken the world record for the most people in a toilet cubicle.

Thailand’s plan to demonetise the 1000 baht note in a bid to flush out 140 billion baht that has gone missing from circulation has been put on hold after a former government minister claimed he’d found the cash down the back of his sofa.

Finally, foreign tourists are to be given the opportunity to voice their opinions about the proposed new 450 baht tourist entry fee. Early feedback indicates that the most popular suggestion is likely to involve some form of rectal insertion.

be seeing you

monkeyman