poweroper

Allah or the Lord Jesus Christ? The Muslim religion is by far the fastest growing religion in the UK .. Last month I attended my annual training session that's required for maintaining my prison security clearance. During the training session there was a presentation by three speakers representing the Roman Catholic, Protestant and Muslim faiths, who explained each of their beliefs. I was particularly interested in what the Islamic Imam had to say. The Imam gave a great presentation of the basics of Islam, complete with a video. After the presentations, time was provided for questions and answers. When it was my turn, I directed my question to the Imam and asked: 'Please, correct me if I'm wrong, but I understand that most Imams and clerics of Islam have declared a holy jihad [Holy war] against the infidels of the world and, that by killing an infidel, (which is a command to all Muslims) they are assured of a place in heaven. If that's the case, can you give me the definition of an infidel?' There was no disagreement with my statements and, without hesitation, he replied, 'Non-believers!' I responded, 'So, let me make sure I have this straight. All followers of Allah have been commanded to kill everyone who is not of your faith so they can have a place in heaven. Is that correct?' The expression on his face changed from one of authority and command to that of 'a little boy who had just been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.' He sheepishly replied, 'Yes.' I then stated, 'Well, I have a real problem trying to imagine Pope Benedict commanding all Catholics to kill those of your faith or Dr. Stanley ordering all Protestants to do the same in order to guarantee them a place in heaven!' The Imam was speechless! I continued, 'I also have a problem with being your 'friend' when you and your brother clerics are telling your followers to kill me! Let me ask you a question. Would you rather have your Allah, who tells you to kill me in order for you to go to heaven, or my Jesus who tells me to love you because I am going to heaven and He wants you to be there with me?' You could have heard a pin drop as the Imam remained speechless. Needless to say, the organizers and promoters of the 'Diversification' training seminar were not happy with this way of dealing with the Islamic Imam and exposing the truth about the Muslims' beliefs. Within twenty years there will be enough Muslim voters in the U.K. to elect a government of their choice, complete with sharia law I think everyone in the U.K. should be required to read this, but with the Liberal justice system, liberal media and political correctness madness, there is no way this will be widely publicised. Please pass this on to all your e-mail contacts. John Harrison MBE. MIDSc This incident happened in London

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?' 'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me. 'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked. 'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.' 'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked. 'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!' 'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.' The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.' I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.' You're gonna send it on - aren't you?

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE. George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me. Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available." George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up. Within five minutes, Six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" (True Story) I LOVE IT! Don't mess with old people

MY FIRST TIME---- It was my first time ever And I'll never forget I'd do it again Without a single regret. The sky was dark The moon was high We were all alone Just she and I. Her hair was soft Her eyes were blue I knew just what She wanted to do. Her skin so soft Her legs so fine I ran my fingers Down her spine. I didn't know how But I tried my best I started by placing My hands on her breast. I remember my fear My fast beating heart But slowly she spread Her legs apart. And when I did it I felt no shame All at once The white stuff came. At last it's finished It's all over now My first time ever At milking a cow . . . NOW ALL U DIRTY MINDS SAY 3 HAIL MARYS . .

Instead of being a smart arse why do you not post the link to help the OP.

Dangerous and bar owners / operators should be more responsible.

BrickiesLabourerinBangladesh.wmv

When Madonna first moved to England she said she wanted to feel more English. She is now an unmarried single mother with 3 children by different fathers, one of them black. Job done.

Wife say's to husband, 'Doctor says I have the tits and arse of an 18-year-old' Husband says 'What about your 40-year-old cunt?' Wife says ' We did not mention you' My ex-wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die you come back as something else. She said she wanted to come back as a pig. I said, 'You're not fucking listening' Was depressed last night, rang lifeline. Got a call centre in Afghanistan, told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck. I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the aisle backwards, gets in the car and fucks off. Today an Abbo was found nailed to a tree, stabbed six times and shot twice. Australian police said it's the worst case of suicide they had ever seen. A car bomb was found outside Glasgow mosque today. Police have urged the public not to panic as they have managed to push it inside the mosque. Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of me, give me drugs'. She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you fucker'. He replied casually, 'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said, 'Fuck off it'll be too painful', Now who's laughing'

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!' That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.' She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?' John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.' 'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.' She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

A Scotsman, after a recent football match, is having breakfast, in Paris , coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Scotsman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation. Frenchman: 'You Scots folk eat the whole bread??' Scotsman: 'Of course.' Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) 'We don't. In France , we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Scotland .' The Frenchman has a smirk on his face. The Scotsman listens in silence. The Frenchman persists: 'Do you eat jam with the bread??' Scotsman: 'Of Course..' Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling). 'We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to Scotland.' After a moment of silence, The Scotsman then asks: 'Do you have sex in France ?' Frenchman: 'Why of course we do', he says with a big smirk. Scotsman: 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?' Frenchman: 'We throw them away, of course.' Scotsman: 'We don't. In Scotland , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France .'

Only idiots drink and drive and you must be a right dickhead to be boasting about it. Think of the other road users.

How To Shower Like a Woman Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas. How To Shower Like a Man Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohican Wee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time. Admire willy size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. Throw wet towel on bed. I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING BECAUSE IT'S TRUE!!!!!! PASS THIS ON TO SOMEONE WHO NEEDS CHEERING UP, AS THIS WILL DO IT.

Brilliant

An attractive blonde from Cork arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice, at the casino. She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm Completely nude'. With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!' As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!' She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?' The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.' MORAL OF THE STORY - Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

A row has broken out at the University of Manchester after its students' union toilets were "de-gendered". Temporary signs have made the "ladies" simply "toilets", while the "gents" have become "toilets with urinals". The changes are in response to an unspecified number of complaints from trans students who are uncomfortable using the men's toilets. A university newspaper criticised the move but the student union said it was needed to tackle transphobia. There are no figures on the number of transsexual and transgender students believed to be among the university's population of more than 35,000 students. The students' union welfare office declined to reveal the number of complaints, but said it was an important issue. A student newspaper editorial questioned the wisdom of the move Women's officer Jennie Killip told the BBC: "If you were born female, still present quite feminine, but define as a man you should be able to go into the men's toilets - if that's how you define. "You don't necessarily have had to have gender reassignment surgery, but you could just define yourself as a man, feel very masculine in yourself, feel that in fact being a woman is not who you are." Asked about the change, some female students questioned the move. One said: "Girls might not want to use the same toilets as boys, so then you just end up with people complaining about that - so you can't really win. Another told the BBC: "I personally wouldn't want to be in the same toilet as a man." The move prompted an editorial in campus newspaper Student Direct last week which criticised the new arrangements. Newspaper spokeswoman Susannah Birkwood said: "The toilets have been provided for men who don't self identify as men and women who don't think of themselves as women. "Whether or not this is political correctness gone mad.. because it certainly seems that way to some members of our student community." Union officials have rejected the criticism and permanent signs for its first gender neutral toilets are being made. Almost 60 people, including Ms Killip, have signed a letter to the student newspaper criticising the editorial.

On Winning a competition at school to meet the Queen, young Johnny was over the moon. He set off to London with his dad and got to Buckingham palace, there was a sign on the gates that said the queen would be seeing people at 11:00am and 2pm. They decided to go at 11:00 am so they could go and see a bit of London after. Whilst waiting in the queue Johnny proudly wearing his new Rangers shirt, noticed a young lad wearing a Celtic Top! To his horror when the queen came out to see the visitors she made straight for the lad in the Celtic top. Johnny was so distraught he immediately left the line and ran to his dad in floods of tears, and told him what had happened! 'Don't worry said his dad, we'll go and buy a Celtic top and we can come back at 2:00, Johnny was a little hesitant but really wanted to visit the queen so off they went. Come 2:00 Johnny is standing waiting outside the palace when the queen appears, to his delight the queen without hesitation came straight over to Johnny bent down and whispered in his ear 'I thought I told you to f#ck off

'A five year old boy and his grandpa are sitting on the front porch together,when gramps pulls a beer out of his cooler. The little boy asks: 'Can I have a beer Grandpa?' Grandpa replies: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?' The little boy answered : 'No Grandpa. It's just a little pecker'. Gramps says: 'Well then, you're not man enough to have a beer'. A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asks: 'Can I have a cigar Grandpa?' Once again, Grandpa asks: 'Can your pecker touch your ass?' Once again the little boy replies, 'No, it's too little'. Gramps replies, 'Then you're not man enough to have a cigar'. A little later the little boy comes out of the house with milk and some cookies. Grandpa asks, 'Hey there young feller, can I have a cookie?' The boy ask, 'Can your pecker touch your ass?' Gramps replies, 'Hell yes, my pecker can touch my ass'. The little boy replies, 'Then go fuck yourself. Grandma made these for me'.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hello, my name is Billy and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe, if you send them on, a poor six-year-old girl in Scotland with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show. And, do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give $1000 to you, and everyone to whom you send 'his' email? How stupid are we? Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day! What a bunch of bullshit. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomise me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by St Peter in 5AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrim stowaways on the Endeavour. Fuck 'em!! If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the 'send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being' forwards about 90 times. I don't fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's our own unpopularity. The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the arse of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email. Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals. Have a nice day. Billy Connolly PS Send me 15 bucks and then fuck off.

Jacqueline and her husband Mark went for counselling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time,the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Jacqueline to stand, unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his hands on her breasts,and kissed her passionately as her husband Mark watched with a raised eyebrow. Jacqueline shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to Mark and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?' Mark thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.'

LONDON: August 21st: "In deference to The Archbishop of Canterbury and The Royal Commission for Political Correctness, it was announced today that the local climate in the U.K. should no longer be referred to as ''English Weather." Rather than offend a sizable portion of the population, it will now be referred to as 'Muslim Weather.' In other words - "Partly Sunni, but mostly Shiite" =

Nice one and so true.

Nice one

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD! Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. 'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?' I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. 'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!' 'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having babies.' 'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!' I was equally outraged. 'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife. 'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!) 'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth). 'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed. 'Well, it's just a little hard to tell, on some guys, you know,' she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!). By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. 'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.' 'Oh, gross!' they shrieked 'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know. We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. 'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted. 'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified. 'Do something, Dad!' my son urged. 'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results. 'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know. 'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) 'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. 'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged. 'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for goodness sake.). The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. 'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically. 'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?' I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. 'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked. 'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . .. masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife. We were silent, absorbing this. 'So, Ernie's just just . . excited,' my wife offered. 'Exactly,' the vet replied , relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. 'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that.. . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . . teeny little.' She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. 'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay. 'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me. 'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter. Two lizards: $140. One cage: $50. Trip to the vet: $30. Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless! Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs!

Maybe not PC but they made me laugh.