dontheturner

No doubt about it! You know how to tell 'em- Thanks - I read every one you post - and pass them home to my friends and faimly in the UK - they all need a laugh!

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 99. The guy obeys and says, 99! The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, 99.' Again, the guy says, '99.' The doctor said, 'Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, 99.' The guy begins, 'One .. Two ... Three'.

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.' The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?' 'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles. 'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass -Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?' The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.' To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

OK OK - We have ALL heard number 385, before, but it still raises a smile. Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it. The bike seems even better than a New one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. 'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' then he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.' 'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.' 'No problem,' he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and does her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, And her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her Dad is boiling, but still, total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, 'Right! , no problem, I'll do the dishes!

Some of my BEST friends, have to make do with the Sheep!- Seriously- Look out for a Taff joke coming ! Don

Definitely - WTF All of 'em

Well Taff, it had me like that, and I think it was in the National Press - cos' some twat went round there to complain! Don.

SIGN IN A STORE WINDOW. 'WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE BRITISH SOLDIER!' This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in CAMPBELTOWN, SCOTLAND. You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty. After all, it is ONLY A SIGN. You may say. 'What kind of business would dare to post such a sign?' Answer: A FUNERAL PARLOUR. (WHO SAID MORTICIANS HAD NO SENSE OF HUMOUR?) YOU GOTTA LOVE IT!!! = God Bless Britain

Thanks Dr Mick = BUt so do I - £1000 actually, but what I want to do, without changing the Standing arrangement, is try to save a little in the BKK Bank then use the Bangkok card, (not the Lloyds/TSB one), say to buy for the travel, maybe show the TW Spain, France or Italy, before reaching UK.

From the time of arriving in Ubon ( Dec 2006) I have been on first name terms, with BKK Bank's finance manageress. I was attempting to buy things via Ebay, and had to use my lloyds/TSB, in order to do so. You cannot use the visa/BKK Bank card, for the simple reason, there is ablock on outside use, imposed by the five main thai banks. this is done via the security number on the reverse. I have visited many branches, of most banks, with the same failure. going to try the Siam Commercial. oddly, nor will they pay bills for you, by direct debit. maybe it can be done if you have abusiness. But hey! Thabnks for your input. Don

I have much of my income, going into Lloyds/TSB, then have created a Direct Debit, for much of it, into the Bangkok Bank, here. and I have a BKK Card, to use in the ATM, whenever we need funds. My questions are this:- When we go on holiday, wherever, or whenever, I am fairly certain, this card, will NOT work in other Countries (including UK) and also If I remove bahts, I cannot credit to my other Lloyds accounts. . Is there a Bank here, which will do fund transfers into other currencies? Anyone know the best way around this? please

Hi there, It is exactly the same her in Ubonratchathani. Hot Hot Hot

How strange! American Accuracy is so good! Was it ''Friendly Fire''?

Oh! Sorry! was it a bad joke then? mai pen rai

Umm Err, There is Fox FM which broadcasts from Melbourne, and I think you will find it is a very strong station, with their own web site. Bit like saying the BBC is London so cannot be heard in Birmingham!

Sir! You are a mind reader! I ran that yesterday, and it found stack of things, and dealt with them, but no improvement. Today i just ran Eusinf registry cleaner, and that found hundreds, it says, So maybe we shall see. I have studied the inside of the PC, and now have more info, if you need, ( from my Computer) only - do not venture inside, I am a a radar man.

Oh! by the way - run for three years without a problem Don

Thanks for prompt response. Built by company in Wellington Shropshire, to my spec. Whatever was the best at the time. really dont know, but big hard drive, with 50% free on both C and D drives. I was printing calendars, on two laser printers, and shipped all here. Windows Xp, with constant reminder from Advantage, which I keep closing. Want a free holiday in Ubon?

Have to hope you can help me - Please. my computer suddenly developed a mind of its' own. it reboots, frequently ( or not at all) whenever it feels like it. So annoying - when you are doing something important. Any idea what is causing this? Thank You. Don

This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why! Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers 'yes', he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same = three questions correctly, they both win the prize. Sydney listeners heard possibly one of the funniest real situations things to go on air. Anyway, here's how it all went down & dont read ahead... DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?' Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.' DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please.' Contestant: 'Brian.' DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?' Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.' DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.' Brian: 'Sara.' DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?' Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.' DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?' Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.' DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?' Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.' DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.' Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...' DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?' Brian: 'About 10 minutes.' DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.' Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.' DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this = morning? Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...' DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?' Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks...' DJ: 'Uh huh...' Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.' DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.' Brian: 'On the kitchen table.' DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this.' [ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ] DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?' (Touch tones.....ringing....) Clerk: 'Kinkos.' DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?' Clerk: 'This is she.' DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.' Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?' DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any..answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?' Sarah: 'No.' DJ: 'Good!' Brian: (laughing) Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?' Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.' DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us. Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.' DJ: 'Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?' Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.' DJ: 'What time?' Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.' DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?' Sarah: '12 or so minutes maybe.' DJ: 'Hmmmm.. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?' Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.' DJ: 'Where did you have it?' Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?' Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.' DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?' Sarah: 'Well...' DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it? Sarah: 'Up the arse.....' They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack , he could not stop laughing. Apperently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation , for minor traffic collisions.

Jesus! Only £235 , and at 78 years of age, that is disgusting,. Must go on the batter tonight!

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN ) for 6am While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA ) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG ). He put on a clean shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA ), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE ) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA ) After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA ) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO ) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN ) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA ) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY ) filled it with PETROL (FROM SAUDI ARABIA ) After spending the day at the job centre, he went to the pub ( IRISH THEME) and drank a BELGIAN Beer from a FRENCH made glass, nibbled THAI bar snacks and wondered why he couldn't get a f*****g job in Britain !

Dear me Guys, perhaps she is important.