dontheturner

Carlisle is closer, but the free transport, is good.

A very loud, greasy, unattractive, tattooed, welfare dependent, chav,minger, woman wearing a Celtic top walked into ASDA in Castlemilk (a sprawling council estate on Glasgow's south side) with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The ASDA greeter said pleasantly, 'Good morning madam, and welcome to ASDA. Nice children you have there. Are they twins by any chance?' The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'F*ck naw, they're nae twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the f*ck would you think they're twins? Are you blind, thick or just stupid?' 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam,'replied the greeter. 'I just couldn't believe you've been shagged twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at ASDA.'

My TW tells me, all civil servants of Thailand, are to get a cheque for 2000 Bahts, at the end of next month, from their office of employment. Also all Thai citizens, whose salary is less than 10,000 bahts a month, are now to get likewise. Mai pen rai.Farang, we can dream.

Big C in Ubonratchathani, also hold used car auctions, and my Ex Aussie mate, goes for the sheer hell of it, and reckons, there are some very good buys. Don

Jacko! I have to ask, living as I and many of my expat friends do, in Ubon, where the fuck is Had Yai? is that where we should be going ? Jesus.

Well, Jacko! Very very funny - but I am, and I did - way back in 1982, at the age of 52. Cheers! (Malt Whisky only) Thanks. Don

Hi, I am an Englishman. My money is in UK, and I cannot see me moving it, in the foreseeable future. I own two properties here in Ubon, and have an account with the Bangkok Bank - but is not very good if you buy things via paypal, or by post. Unfortunately, You can NEVER become a Citizen here, if you live to be 100.. I see someone mention that Oil may run out. Never. USA, import oil, to conserve their own - so when appropriate, they can pump more, and make a huge profit. they do not save fuel, do they? As for them helping the UK? yes, like they did with Lease Lend, during the war. But UK have had to repay them, Thats why UK economy, has been so slow. Took till the 80's to finish paying, in mrs Thatcher's reign. Do think before you move it. There is talk, of stoppinmg payment of pensions, to NON-RESIDENTS! Now that is important to us. If you wish to chat, I have Skype Phone, and land line. i am 78, so have good background.. Don

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?! I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I had to stop wanking. When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!" I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends? A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a dick like that." I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits. When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids. Took her out with one punch. My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed. "It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me. A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter. Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age." "Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!" I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning." He replied, "No, just having a shit." Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in. I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low? I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

Nidnoyham, Now look here - it's all right for you - I haven't popped anything out in Pattaya yet, and I can see clearly it is going to cost, with all the Soapies, I need to get my tube clean! Don

Thanks to those who responded. They get you every which way! tax, lousy exchange rates, and thinking of stopping pension payouts to non-residents! but I have my two pensions paid into a Lloyds/TSB A/C, and have a standing order for 9/10ths to be paid to the Bangkok Bank A/C, and my rent from my U.K house into another separate Lloyds A/C, then I have a third one for savings, and odd inputs, from my family, for future trips home. What I do think is rotten for us all, is no cost of living rises! Thanks All guys. Don

Regarding Lotteries, in general, Please can anyone, enlighten me, which one of the many lotteries, offers the best odds, and how to enter , living as I do, here in Thailand. I am from the UK, but the Euro sounds interesting, apart from it saying, I have to live where I buy the ticket. All very confusing. Thank You. Don

Oh! Dear! The link does not exist. Can you please cut and paste? Thanks Don

BigD, - Yes I can believe it!, a few days after I raised a new mortgage on my home for £62,000, and said i was leaving the UK, ALL my late wife's family, came to tell me how much they loved me - (hadn't seen them for a year, since the cremation), and really pleaded with me, Not to come here! - Of course, I shared it out!!!!!

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there. "Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." "Damn", Sam thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?" Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

Must be me

Definitely on my knees - but out of a tight Thai pussy, right on the corner of the dining table! Don

11 Father is busy, looking all over the house for his son, Gordon, and eventually looks in the Garden Shed – he’s in there, wanking furiously to the Mayfair magazine – a centre-fold of WWE’s Mickie James. He says, son, that’s not right, here’s a Tenner. Get up the street, to 39 Manor Road, and tell Daisy Bennett, I sent you. She’ll sort it for you. So the lad takes off. Much later, Dad decides to go out down town – in the opposite direction. He meets his son, coming around the corner, eating Fish & Chips, out of a paper. How did you get those, he asks. His son replies, Oh I met Grandma up the street, she asked me where I was going, and when I told her, she said, she could save me five pounds, so I went to her house, to get the mechanics. Father, said Son your’e a dirty devil, you have shagged my Mother, to which Gordon replied, well Dad, you shag mine.

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did.... FIRST TESTIMONY: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?' I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word... he knew better. SECOND TESTIMONY: I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls.' THIRD TESTIMONY: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.' My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. FOURTH TESTIMONY : While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!' The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter. FIFTH TESTIMONY: Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training, and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No.' I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?' 'No,' he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident?' This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!' While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had! LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY: This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: 'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! Now, didn't that feel good?

Oh! dear! So Sorry - Number three answer is totally wrong. Cat gut comes from the SILK WORM. Just been reading the article, on the web page, www.wormspit.com/silkgut.htm mai ben rai

Please, Oh! Please! Can I have the Mars Bar, when you have drunk the water? I am a little boy at heart! Don

How the hell did you know I was old??????

Hi Dr Mick, Shame we are in Ubonratchathani, I feel this would maybe suit you. Price negotiable at around 4K. My pensions from Uk also getting clobbered! Don

Anyone seeking to rent property in Ubon ratchathani? We have a small unfurnished bungalow, on our plot - with vacant possession.