French Military Victories

[leemo 0]

FRENCH MILITARY VICTORIES - A summary

 

- Gallic Wars

- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

 

- Hundred Years War

- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted postumously.

 

- Italian Wars

- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

 

- Wars of Religion

- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

 

- Thirty Years War

- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

 

- War of Revolution

- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots on their heads.

 

- The Dutch War

- Tied. Dutch farmers and tulip growers are tougher than they look.

 

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War

- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces delusions of grandeur and persuades Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

 

- War of the Spanish Succession

- Lost.

 

- American Revolution

- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

 

- French Revolution

- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

 

- The Napoleonic Wars

- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

 

- The Franco-Prussian War

- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

 

- World War I

- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

 

- World War II

- Lost. A decisive defeat even by French standards. Hitler and the German Youth sleep soundly through the winter, then arouse themselves to conquer France in six weeks. Hitler dances in front of the Eiffel Tower, while the French command staff retreats to Algeria to institute a crash language program to teach French privates how to say "I surrender" in German and French generals to say "We surrender" in German. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

 

- War in Indochina

- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

 

- Algerian Rebellion

- This embarrassing loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always win if we stick to fighting the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

 

- War on Terrorism

- Incensed at not being included in the original "Axis of Evil," France refuses to participate. When it becomes clear that this is a "no-kidding war," Jacques Chirac looks at his cards and immediately surrenders to that old warhorse, Gerhard Schroeder. For good measure, he also surrenders to five million illegal immigrants from Algeria, and then to Germany and Islam, just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

 

 

 

Miscellaneous quotes:

 

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?" - Anon

 

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." --- General George S. Patton

 

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage." - Norman Schwartzkopf

 

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure" - Jacques Chirac, President of France

 

"As far as France is concerned, you're right." - Rush Limbaugh

 

"I just love the French. They taste like chicken!" - Hannibal Lecter

 

"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes." -Mark Twain

 

Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France. - Anon

 

"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag." - David Letterman

 

The only naval victory that the French had in it's long history is the blowing-up of the Rainbow Warrior in New Zealand. - Anon

[dave_boo 0]

 

Why do some people feel the need to post drivel like this?

[Cennn3 0]

This has been posted before

[Jay097 2]

Being Belgian I love to hear that stuff about our "neighbours"

 

Jay

[leemo 0]

...but it pisses some people off.

[nariad 6]

...but it pisses some people off.

 

 

Not me pal

not me Pal