MONKEYWATCH - June 2006

[monkeyman 1,604]

Greetings once again Monkeywatchers, and welcome to our second look at the cavities of Pattaya into which no one else dares shine a torch.

 

Sadly, it’s been decided that the Monkeywatch newbies’ guidebook to Pattaya, “Monkey Number One”, will not now be published following threats from a certain author – and from the police, several bar owners, the Rotary Club, the local Spud U Like, the mayor and the bloke who stands outside Mike Shopping Mall making noises with his mouth. But enough of this, here’s this month’s dirt.

 

It’s been announced that Pattaya City hall is to spend 4.5 million baht on billboards and other bits and pieces to promote domestic tourism. After much deliberation, the slogan they’ve chosen to spearhead the campaign is “fun in every square inch”. Try to hold on to that thought the next time you’re in Pattaya and you step in six square inches of dog shit.

 

There was a bit of a to-do in Jomtien last week when the Las Vegas Bar got busted for having a nude girl playing pool with the punters. The bar owner apparently protested that he was being victimised as it was common practice for girls to take off their clothes before getting into the pool.

 

In another bit of news on bar busts, the word is that the boys in brown have decided to drop all charges against the showgirl at the centre of the Top Girls gerbil show controversy as they’ve been unable to track down the offending rodent. A police spokesman said that they’d questioned the girl for several hours but hadn’t managed to get anything out of her.

 

People have been asking why they have to be careful what they post on boards about the goings-on in bars when it’s widely accepted that the police already know. Well, the difference is that it’s one thing for them to know, but entirely another if we let them know that we know that they know, because once they know that we know that they know, then they know that they have to let the bar know that they know, or they know that those in the know will know that they know even though they’re pretending that they don’t know. So now you know.

 

On the Go Go front, there’s a rumour that Babe Watch are employing a double-jointed dancer. Guess it must be a hipper version of the old two cigarettes routine you usually get from the showgirls.

 

A current talking point is baht buses that don’t go where you want them to, so here’s a little tip for you. It’s going to Jomtien if there’s a white strip across the bottom. All you’ve got to do now is figure out how to get the driver’s trousers down to check it out.

 

Speaking of taxi drivers, there’s been a claim by a punter that the much self-publicised Mr Toom didn’t show up to collect him from the airport. It probably isn’t true though because, as we all know, there’s many a good fiddle played on an old Toom. It looks like he’s in for a bit of competition too, as there’s another firm offering transfers from Bangkok to Pattaya for a mere 300 baht. You can’t knock the price, though there must be many who’d never really considered the catapult to be a form of public transport.

 

Tourists have been advised not to bother looking for the new mime show that had allegedly started in Soi Diamond, as it turned out to be a bunch of drunks trying to find their way out of the new glass front in Lennies Bar.

 

Local city planners have denied that the proposal to name a new shopping centre after the recently departed Prime Minister had been dropped because Pattaya already had a place called Big C.

 

If you haven’t already seen it, take a look at the video of the Korat bar scene in 1965 that‘s doing the rounds at the moment. Boy, they sure knew how to live in those days. But if this video’s anything to go by, it looks like they didn’t bother.

 

There’s much political debate going on at the moment with the election rerun coming up shortly. So if there’s any politicians out there, we know you like doing things on a “need to know” basis, so we need to know when you’re going to shut the bloody bars.

 

On the subject of bars, there’s been some debate about why so many bars employ ladyboys as cashiers. Simple. Because they’ve got less places to hide the money.

 

It’s often been said that Thais view farangs as being below the cockroach. The Tourist Authority of Thailand have apparently denied this, stating that farangs have been officially recognised by the Thai government as being every bit the cockroach’s equal.

 

Thinking of which, someone recently came up with a bright idea to get revenge on any Pattaya restaurant that’s overcharged you in the past. You visit the place again and eat half of your meal, then slip a cockroach into it and demand a discount. So some dude tried it and the bastards charged him an extra 10 baht for the cockroach.

 

There’s been a bit of a fuss over an Australian artist who’s painted a picture of the King of Thailand on a pair of sneakers. Sounds like his Buddha willy warmers won’t go down too well either then.

 

Here’s a handy labour saving device. Don’t bother following police advice to remove your gold before you go out, just wear it for more than ten minutes and some helpful passer-by will do it for you.

 

The word’s going around that the Bamboo Bar is to hold a “Grab A Grandad” night on the first Wednesday in July. That makes it 3697 in a row now then.

 

So what is it with Lucifer’s and hair then? Have they banned the stuff? Stick your head in the place most nights and you can bet your bottom dollar the first ten blokes you clap your eyes on haven’t got enough hair between ‘em to make a decent moustache. Actually, there’s a story going round that there was a crowd of Brits in there the other night knocking the beers back and one of them was so pissed that he asked his mates to get him something to throw up into. They got him a taxi. Now that’s culture for you.

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

Edited June 1, 2006 by monkeyman

[Phuket_Butterfly 1]

funny stuff

[jonny_two_combs 3]

most excellent bit of satire

 

asian culture can have so many perculiarieties..

me,,... i still wonderin why does the japanese flag looks like a used tampon

[soi unwise 6]

Truly brilliant monkey,real belly laughs.

 

“fun in every square inch”.

 

That's me and that ladyboy finished I tell ya.

[poskat 0]

'take my wife, please..."

 

rimshots inserted here.

[Sanget 26]

Okay, Okay - so are you serious? I really can't believe some of the things you wrote. Maybe I misread them. Oh, well. It really is an enjoyable column. Thanks

[LordFlash 45]

Monkeyman,

 

Best sense of humour on the board.

 

Cheers!

 

[Long Tall Cowboy 1]

Once again high marks from the Texan.

 

Thanks for the humor.

 

 

 

 

LTC