Nightmarch

[PattayaPete 530]

Now That's an Ass: Always thinking, always trying something new. That's the management of the Coyotee's chrome pole palace in Soi Marina Plaza. On Sunday night, 23 July, the den will be celebrating its first year anniversary by holding the Sexiest Ass in Pattaya' Dance Competition. The contest will not begin until 11:00PM, giving the Coyotee's management time to get the atmosphere right (in other words, get the dancers well and truly inebriated).

 

Five special judges have been roped in to make the selections, and the 20 damsels who will make up the starters for the first round will be encouraged to use all their feminine wiles on the said judges. First prize is a whopping 10,000 baht, with all girls who are selected to compete receiving 700 baht on entry. The contest is open to any girl who thinks she's got the kind of rear assets that make grown men start chewing their knuckles.

 

Half a Decade Gone: Congratulations are in order for the Queen Victoria Inn down in Soi 6 (colloquially known as Soi Yodsak) that celebrated five years of operation on the weekend of 1 July. As part of the festivities, the owners organised a charity raffle and, so I'm reliably informed, handed over 59,505 baht to the Charity Club of Pattaya to disperse in the best way they can. It's my understanding the Charity Club does not hand over cash to worthy causes, they determine what's required and make the necessary purchases.

 

No Longer on Watch: The second Babewatch ogling den dance contest, held in late June, proved to be the back end of the high-water mark for the struggling chrome pole palace. Just a couple of weeks later it was unceremoniously closed. Rumours suggest the owner was unable to come up with the staff salaries. Located in the Covent Garden Complex in Soi 16, Walking Street, Babewatch has had a chequered history and after some managerial changes in June, it was no surprise the place began to fall apart.

 

Reports suggest the den has now been sold and the new regime is intent on making some major, and probably essential, structural changes. The front door was always poorly sited, being behind the popular Rolling Stone II beer boozer and therefore not in the line of sight of most passers-by. I'm led to believe the new owners hope to relocate the front door to the back of the den and opposite the well-patronised Catz and Club Boesche dens. The problem with this, apparently, is the water pipes and electrical cables are all behind the wall where they propose to put the new door. Not a cheap exercise.

 

Another major expense involves the demolition of the dancing stage. For some reason, the original stage was made of reinforced concrete and was also so high the dancing girls required oxygen masks to make the ascent. Customers who sat up close to the stage for a bit too long required a neck brace after staring at such an unnatural angle.

 

Perhaps the new owners could ask North Korea if they'd be interested in testing the accuracy and strength of one of their long-range missiles by aiming it at the dance stage. From what I'm told it'll take something akin to a million tonnes of TNT to turn the damn thing into a pile of rubble.

 

Find Me on the Web: I have to confess to being a lazy Internet surfer'. Check and answer emails and wander through a couple of newspaper and other information sites and that's about it for me. People tell me about forums -and this column happens to appear on a couple, of message boards and the like, but I've plenty to fill my days and not enough time to worry about what's being written on a number of sites.

 

The same goes for the websites of the ogling dens of Pattaya, but in the last couple of weeks I've had the need to check out two sites in particular, and I'm very impressed with the depth and quality of both. The first is Club Boesche ( www.clubboesche.com ); the other is Catz ( www.catzagogo.com ), the den situated right next door in the Covent Garden complex (Soi 16, Walking Street). I can highly recommend both sites as worth a look, and both give a good indication of the style of each den.

 

Waiting for the Real Football: Those who have been in Pattaya in these last few weeks of World Cup football mania have had plenty of places to watch the self-proclaimed beautiful game. On the ogling den scene the place with the biggest TV screen is probably Windmill in Soi Diamond. Boasting a whopping 72 inches (now that's satisfaction) I think it could become the place to be for the real' World Cup: the 2007 rugby union matches, in France.

 

In the meantime, the den is conducting what they term Midnight Flashback' shows. As the name suggests, the shows begin at the witching hour and feature half an hour of disco music from the 1970s and 80s and are apparently being well received by both dancers and customers. The place now has their own website ( www.windmillpattaya.com ) and is steadily making improvements to its overall concept and, importantly, their dancing line-up.

 

Notes from the Front Lines: Special mention should be made of the downstairs spa bath in Club Boesche (Covent Garden complex) where a number of comely maidens keep their most important assets squeaky clean, and have no idea of the meaning of the word shy'. Add this to the glass-bottomed see-through dance floor upstairs and it's easy to see why this bar became one of the most popular places in Pattaya within a very short time after its opening.

 

If you're looking for a den where the damsels actually dance, rather than merely shuffle, then Diamond (Soi Diamond) is a must. The best time to go in seems to be any time after 10:00PM; perhaps by then the dancers have poured enough tequila or Thai rotgut down their throats to forget their inhibitions.

 

The New Living Dolls 1 chrome pole palace (Walking Street) was the scene late one afternoon for the shooting of a few scenes for a low-budget movie, being put together by an Australian-Hong Kong production team. According to my sources, the movie has been sold to a few outlets in the United States.

 

Who's The Best? As low season really starts to bite, a significant number of the top-shelf' dancing damsels have decamped Fun Town and gone back to Amphur Anywhere for rest and relaxation (or maybe to Singapore for a couple of weeks of mattress dancing at inflated prices). With this short-term exodus it's noticeable how many dens of the chrome pole seem to be struggling for quality' shufflers, particularly those at the lower end of the food chain.

 

Of course there is still enough eye candy' to frazzle the pupils of all but the most jaundiced of peepers, but nothing like the wallet-reducing pulchritude normally caressing the poles of chrome in the period between Loy Krathong and the end of Songkran.

 

What is becoming more and more apparent -and possibly disconcerting for a number of bar owners- is the perceived increase in the nomadic habits of those damsels who consider themselves in the top echelon of chrome pole molesters. In recent times I have ceased to be amazed at the number of damsels who will be working in one leading den for a couple of months and then suddenly start plying their trade in a different palace of the chrome pole. Then, a couple of months further down the track, they'll have found employment in yet another dancing bar. Of course, this is nothing new in the bar game, but it does seem to have become more prevalent in recent times. One prominent bar owner told me frankly, It's impossible to stop them [the stars] moving about.

 

The one key factor with the nomadic ying' is that she will move from quality den to quality den, only rarely making a career' mistake and working in a less than top rank establishment. She's also rarely concerned about making her full salary by turning up on time each and every night; leave that to the second-rank damsels. This is why so many of the best places tend to be a bit light-on for talent in the first hour or so after opening, with the best quality girls wandering in pretty much when they feel like it.

 

So, as of the beginning of July, which places would rank as the best in Fun Town? A short half-decade ago the number of top quality dens in Fun Town was limited to a maximum of seven or eight. Now, just off the top of my tiny mind I can think of 11 places that, in my humble opinion (and therefore based on my own tastes in the female form), are worthy of being ranked as the best in the city for those who may be searching for worldly relations' during the evening hours. In alphabetical order they are: Club Boesche, Coyotees, Diamond, Dollhouse, Happy, Heaven Above, Living Dolls Showcase, New Living Dolls 1, Peppermint, Super Baby, and Super Girl. Snapping closely at their heels are joints like Angelwitch, Beach Club, and Catz. In fact, as I mentioned at the end of last year, it's nigh on impossible to name a single place that is so outstanding it rates as the number one den in Pattaya.

 

Tales from the Crib: You have to grudgingly admire the lengths to which some of the fair maidens who make their living from snipping walking wallets will go to increase their short-term wealth. A man who lives on a high floor in a downtown condo was saved from an unusual robbery attempt by his sharp-eared neighbour. A damsel of the man's acquaintance waited until he had gone out and then told a local locksmith she had forgotten her keys in the room. She handed over 500 baht to the unwitting locksmith, who accompanied her to the front door and began the process of attempting an entry.

 

A neighbour heard the noise and came out to investigate. She saw the locksmith at work and asked what was going on. He explained, but the neighbour said she knew the man who lived in the room never gave room keys to the girls he entertained and asked them to wait while she contacted security. Needless to say, the damsel decided not to wait for their arrival and took off at the rate of knots. She managed to escape apprehension, but at least the final score was Foreign Resident nil, Wallet Emptier minus 500 baht.