Greeting cards for the cynical and sarcastic

[Mescalito 19]

A friend of mine sent me these new takes on the more traditional greeting cards. I think we've all wanted to send some of these at some point . . . . . . .

 

 

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My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

 

I noticed your cat.

 

Sorry!

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Heard your wife left you,

How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

 

 

She moved in with me.

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Looking back over the years that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

 

 

"What the hell was I thinking?"

 

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Congratulations on your wedding day!

 

Too bad no one likes your husband.

 

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How could two people as beautiful as you

 

Have such an ugly baby?

 

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I've always wanted to have

someone to hold, someone to love.

After having met you ..

 

I've changed my mind.

 

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I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

 

I never believed in Hell until I met you.

 

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As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

 

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

 

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Congratulations on your promotion.

Before you go...

 

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

 

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Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

 

(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

 

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Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

 

Almost Lifelike!

 

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When we were together,

you always said you'd die for me.

 

Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

 

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We have been friends for a very long time .....

 

Let's say we stop?

 

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I'm so miserable without you

 

it's almost like you're here.

 

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Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

 

Did you ever find out who the father was?

 

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Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

 

So we're having you put to sleep.

 

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So your daughter's a hooker,

and it spoiled your day.

But look at the bright side,

It's really good pay.

[groover 248]

-The Good, The Bad, And The UGLY!

-Another Submission From Dear Old Mom!

 

-Good: Your wife is pregnant.

-Bad: It's triplets

-Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago

 

-Good: Your wife's not talking to you

-Bad: She wants a divorce

-Ugly: She's a lawyer

 

-Good: Your son is finally maturing

-Bad: He's involved with the woman next door

-Ugly: So are you

 

-Good: Your son studies a lot in his room

-Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.

-Ugly: You're in them

 

-Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids

-Bad: You can't find your birth control pills

-Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

 

-Good: Your husband understands fashion

-Bad: He's a cross-dresser

-Ugly: He looks better than you

 

-Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter

-Bad: She keeps interrupting

-Ugly: With corrections

 

-Good: The postman's early

-Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun

-Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas

 

-Good: Your son is dating someone new

-Bad: It's another man

-Ugly: He's your best friend

 

-Good: Your daughter got a new job

-Bad: As a hooker

-Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients

-Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do.