MONKEYWATCH - January 2007

[monkeyman]

Greeting Monkeywatchers, and welcome to another dose of liver salts for the brain to help you forget about the ghastly mountains of turkey and mince pies that have been inflicted on you for the last few weeks by well-meaning but hopelessly retarded relatives.

 

Well, who would have thought it? Just three months after its much-trumpeted opening, the new Suvarnabhumi airport is to be partially closed because of poor construction. This will be administered by minor officials as senior figures don’t have time to deal with such trivial matters - they’re too busy plotting the next bar crackdown to ruin the holidays of any tourists who manage to survive the ordeal of their planes landing on what’s left of the runways.

 

While we’re on the subject of the airport, don’t forget that the dreaded Departure Tax is to rise to 700 baht from February 1. So not only do you have to drag yourself off home at the end of your holiday, but you have to pay 40 percent more for the privilege. Talk about insult to injury. What a bunch of rotters, eh?

 

As the world wrestles with the dilemma of nuclear proliferation, Thailand proudly unveils the latest generation of its state-of-the-art nuclear deterrent.

 

 

In the best traditions of Hollywood, Fun City now has its name spelled out on Radio Station Hill in 20 metre high letters. They haven’t got it quite right yet, but it does offer an opportunity for tourists who are bored with the Big Apple to visit the big PATAYTA.

 

There was a story going round about a fellow who invited some young boys back to his hotel room to have a look at his new video camera. Then the police found out that he didn’t actually own a video camera and he was thrown in jail. This is absolutely appalling. I mean, what kind of a country is this where a man can be imprisoned just because he doesn’t own a camera?

 

The owners of Champion A Go Go have denied that they’re planning to start watersports shows in a new upstairs bar called ‘Wee Are The Champions’.

 

In a move that will no doubt fascinate all visiting fast food freaks, Pattaya announces the opening of the world’s smallest branch of KFC.

 

 

It’s also been rumoured that a Humphrey Bogart theme bar will be opening in Walking Street under the name of ‘Play It Again, Siam’.

 

There’s been a bit of flak aimed at street vendors lately, particularly the shoeshine boys who interrupt your imbibing by trying to polish your trainers, and the rose sellers who push a damp bloom up your bugle in the hope you’ll buy it for your tilac. Well, there’s an old saying that the single rose says more than the bunch. It says that you’re too much of a tight bastard to fork out for more than one.

 

A quick word of advice for the bloke who posted on a website that he’d had a virgin in Pattaya once and would never do it again. We think you’ll find that once is actually the upper limit on this one, dude.

 

It looks like the Blues Factory’s aiming to attract the more mature class of punter as it seems that you’ll no longer be allowed in unless your shirt’s at least 20 years old.

 

 

In a desperate attempt to give Pattaya a safer image, the District Governor has enlisted the help of the Military to back up the local police force for the duration of the high season. Thanks boys, but we’re not sure that that making Pattaya look like the streets of Baghdad will make your average tourist feel a whole lot safer.

 

They’re also hoping to attract lots more nice families to Pattaya with the opening of this exciting new swimming pool on Beach Road.

 

 

As part of a drive towards healthy eating, Pattaya City Hall has sent a message to local chefs asking them to use more bamboo in their menus. They have apparently said that they will do this if the Council agrees to use more noodles in the construction of their offices.

 

Pattaya City Council have come up with a brain-teasing competition to be run throughout the month of January. All you have to do is to suggest the most appropriate letter to fill the gap in this sign.

 

 

The prize for the lucky winner will be a conducted tour of the cultural highlights of Pattaya hosted by the Council leader and old mate of Monkeywatch, Mr Yuslas Sakkashit. Or, if you prefer, you can be thrown off Bali Hai Pier with an anchor chained to your neck.

 

And a final thought. If money is the root of all evil, how come churches are always asking us for it?

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

[gazowl]

brillant as always

[philr]

excellent, made me laugh out loud. thx

[Big Pete]

Loved it. I always look forward to your brilliant in sights.

[player]

Very enlightening and funny post!!!

 

I think the most appropriate letter to fill the gap in this sign would either be:

 

Wanking Street or Warking Street, since Thai's prounounce an r as an L

[jballstate]

That as always is a real hoot. Glad we can maintain a little humor on this thing.

[stevoman]

By far the best yet,well done a real hoot!

[toolman1954]

Great report-- very very funny, some excellent writing skils. After seeing your pic for the 20 years old shirts it now gives a whole new use for some shirts in my wardrobe that I seem to have had for a while, what a shame most dont fit me any more !!! I live in hope of losing weight !!! Happy New Year Monkeywatch and to all your readers

Steve

[pacman]

Thanks

I always look forward to your monthly posts. A big smile is assured!

[batistuta]

Extremely funny mate. I am sure the blues factory would attract classy customers.

[bonzo19]

and to top it all some idots have been chucking bombs around bangkok

[jack_daniels]

As always Monkeyman...........

 

Your pemmamship is as good as the pics you post........

 

1st Class mate and very entertaining

 

Cheers to all for 2007

 

Jack.

[Bobshere]

Dear Mr. Monkey Man,

I do believe that you would have a great caree in future in the media. Please send me 10,000 Thb in small bills and I will forward a contract to you. Great stuff

Thanks

BoB