Nightmarch

[PattayaPete 530]

Dance the Heart Away: On Valentine’s Day, the Coyotee’s ogling den (Soi Marina Plaza) will be holding a dance contest, with the action getting underway around 11:00PM. That gives the romantic among you time to take your main squeeze out for a slap-up feed at the local som dtam cart, plie her with a couple of bottles of red cordial, reel off a few romantic endearments and promise her a trip to the gold shop sometime in the next decade before scooting off to watch the running of flesh in Coyotee’s.

 

Still Running Strong: I mentioned in a previous column the demise of the Hot & Cold II ogling den in Soi Yamato. It’s elder sibling, just around the corner in Soi Post Office, sited right next door to the long-running The Londoner beer boozer, continues to do what it’s young clone couldn’t, and that’s draw enough customers to keep it viable. The den opens in the afternoon and does a steady trade until around 10:00PM when it comes time for the nightly shows.

 

They do some of those tired old shows involving birthday-suited damsels producing lengths of coloured string in one act and, hold on to your testicles, razor blades in another, as well as the stock standard firing darts at defenceless balloons without the aid of a regulation blowpipe. The tongue-me-lots part of the series of shows involves the employment of Heineken bottles in a way their manufacturer never intended, as well as the usual Ballet of the Darting Tongues.

 

The music is OK, libation prices are very reasonable, there are plenty of cavorting damsels and sometimes they manage to have a couple who aren’t too bad on the optic nerve, making Hot & Cold at least worthy of the occasional visit if you happen to be in the neighbourhood.

 

Well On Top: Mention of The Londoner beer boozer (Soi Post Office) reminds me to make note of the fact their Sunday and Wednesday night quiz league teams are doing very well and are now recognised as among the toughest to beat in the two competitions. At the time of writing, however, it is the long-established Palmers boozer and noshery (Pattayaland Soi 2) currently holding down number one position on both tables.

 

World’s Away: The World Wide ogling den Beach Road, between Soi 7 and 8 continues to keep ticking over in good style. Wandered in on a Sunday evening recently and the place was well patronised and as I made a quick inspection of the g-stringed chorus line of eight girls on stage I noted every one of them was slim and well-proportioned. The only downside was the usual candle-wax shows performed by a pair of females who probably double as the cleaner and the bouncer. Libations are extremely reasonable with bottled amber at 60 baht and liver wasters just 85 baht. World Wide probably ranks among the better quality off-Walking Street dens in Fun Town at present and is well worth a visit.

 

In at the Deep End: The Blue Lagoon II ogling den, located at the back of the Best Friend beer boozer complex on Beach Road, finally opened its doors a few days later than rumour said it would, in late January. The place looks pretty stock standard: a central stage with chrome poles, seating on stools at the sides of the said stage with bench seating around the walls. There looked to be about 15 to 20 ladies of the shuffle either being held up by the aforementioned chrome poles or scattered about the room. Nothing especially stands out about the place, although the barkers on the street have signs proclaiming ‘60 sexy dancers’. Must have been written after a hard night on the tiles when seeing double or even triple is not uncommon.

 

Also finally opening in late January after threatening to do so for nearly three months previously was Club 69 in Soi 15. It’s on the site of the original Nui’s (now since long relocated and rebadged as Nui’s 2 on Walking Street), but is twice the width of it’s similarly-designed and owned dens XXX and Baby Dolls.

If it’s Thursday it Must be Legless Night: The FLB lounge lizard libation room (Walking Street) has a regular Thursday evening ogling den crawl that involves members going to six chrome pole palaces during an evening of alcoholic indulgence where the management of the aforementioned favoured places offer a two drinks for the price of one special. Perhaps it’s no surprise there are plenty of starters for this carousel who meet at FLB and then sally forth into the depths of the night with the avowed aim of testing their liver.

 

A Sadistic Streak: The non-stop Jacuzzi shows, in which audience participation is almost demanded, in the What’s Up ogling den (Soi 15) are very popular and the management recently installed what I can only describe as a ‘masochists r us’ stage to the left of the entrance. On this raised platform there are usually two young ladies whose wardrobe can only be described as less than minimal and one of whom is generally armed with a soft-rubber tube that she uses quite liberally to flagellate her dancing sister. Over in the far corner to the right of the entrance there are usually a number of damsels engaging in similar activities with their brethren. If this weren’t a Buddhist country and the owners Thai, you’d swear the Catholic church or a defrocked priest had a hand in this place.

 

Bucking the Trend: As I reported in the last edition, the New Living Dolls 1 ogling den (Walking Street) reduced its standard bar fine for chrome pole huggers to just 400 baht and eve n the show girls are now just 600 baht. After 2:00 am, the bar fine for any damsel still decked out in something akin to a g-string drops again to just a pittance at 200 baht. Apparently this move in the opposite direction to that being taken by most other places, i.e. reducing prices while most of the rest are increasing theirs, has been met with derision in some quarters. I don’t know what effect it’s had on the bottom line of the den, but I do know that when I’ve been into the place in recent times it’s been busy and the general atmosphere very positive.

 

Nuisance Value: There are currently two things not exactly connected with the nightlife scene but which nonetheless impinge on the movement of people who may be heading in the direction of a house of alcoholic refreshment that are annoying me, and a lot of others I speak with. The first is the gauntlet of Indian tailors stretched from the beginning of the Best Friend beer booze complex on Beach Road to the corners of Pattayaland Soi 2. Dressed neatly in shirt and trousers they line the pavement with a folder of colour fashion photos in hand they flash like a dirty postcard salesman at passers-by. The worst aspect of these guys is their pathetic attempt at trying to work out where a prospective mark has come from. Most seem to think I’m from England so they approach me with hand out-stretched saying, “Awright geezer? Do ya a nice suit, only 20 quid.” I have never heard even the most illiterate Englishman open a sentence to a fellow Pom with the words, “Awright geezer.” Considering I’m usually attired in a fashionable pair of shorts, classy slip-ons and an upmarket t-shirt you’d think these guys would at least be able to figure out I’m not in the market for a suit.

 

The second, and perhaps even greater, annoyance are the sundry males and females who infest the entire area along Beach Road from Mike Shopping Mall and down into Walking Street and along parts of Second Road from the early afternoon until the early evening, armed with a clipboard and purporting to do a holiday ‘survey’. “Excuse me, sir, where you come from?” or “You can help me please?” is their opening line. They receive 20 baht for each survey form they submit, but about the only surveying being done is the potential to relieve you of a chunk of the folding stuff when you attend a lengthy presentation highlighting the value of purchasing time share apartments. Funny, how every time I tell the person asking me to help with the survey I live in Fun Town they go cold on the idea of me answering the survey questions.

 

Piece of Pith: ‘Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.’ (Ogden Nash)

[LBJ 533]

The only downside was the usual candle-wax shows performed by a pair of females who probably double as the cleaner and the bouncer.

 

That has to be my favorite line in quite some time.