MONKEYWATCH - April 2008

[monkeyman 1,604]

Greetings Monkeywatchers, and welcome to another slice of Pattaya pizza with extra cheese.

 

Well, the 2am closing directive is still with us. The Interior Ministry has decided that closing everything down at this time is the way to reduce crime, though we’re not entirely convinced that the best way to make life more difficult for criminals is to switch off all the city’s lights at the earliest opportunity. Seems that Pattaya City Council aren’t convinced either, as they’ve passed a unanimous resolution to extend closing times to 4am and have submitted it to the Interior Ministry for consideration. Good on yer, lads.

 

When you’re in a baht bus going down Beach Road, don’t you just love it when some cretinous newbie flags it down to ask how much the fare is to Walking Street, then takes Christ knows how long to barter the price down from 100 baht to 50 baht. Oh that we could all possess such high-powered negotiating skills. Prats.

 

It’s red faces all round for the Brits who took the piss out of the Thais for the mess surrounding the opening of Suvarnabhumi Airport. It now looks like a masterpiece of strategic planning compared to the ongoing fiasco at Heathrow’s Terminal 5. Latest news at Heathrow is that they’ve shipped all the backlog of luggage to Milan for sorting, which is really handy if you happen to live in Surrey. Guess things must be pretty desperate. When you have to turn to the Italians to get something organised you’re in DEEP shit.

 

Due to overcrowding problems, a number of discotheques have decided that farang women will no longer be allowed into their premises.

 

 

Five Buddhist monks were arrested near Big C last weekend for doing things that monks shouldn’t be doing with ladies of dubious virtue. The police took the gentlemen in question to a senior monk who immediately had them disrobed. Unfortunately, they didn’t wait for the police to leave before doing this and the temple has now been closed for 30 days for permitting showing on the premises.

 

There’s been the usual bit of a bit of shuffling around on the entertainment scene. Taboo on Soi Covent Garden has closed its doors, as has Rock Girls on Soi 15, though I think we can manage to contain our grief over those two. Champagne on Soi LK Metro is also currently closed but is reckoned to be reopening shortly. The most surprising news, however, is that Angelwitch is to be converted into a temple. The owner apparently agreed to sell it to a local sect, planning permission was granted, and the deal was signed on the first of April. Unfortunately, this will result in the closure of all the other Go Gos in Soi 15 as they will now fall within the new temple’s legal exclusion zone which forbids entertainment venues to be situated within 200 metres of religious establishments.

 

Looks like some bar in North Pattaya has decided that their shows need to aim a bit higher than the rest.

 

 

Last week, special copyright officers raided a discotheque on Walking Street and found that the DJ had a large number of counterfeit CDs in his possession. He was taken to the police station, where it was discovered that he too was counterfeit and the arresting officers also turned out to be bogus. Further investigation revealed that the discotheque itself was a fake and was in fact a pet shop.

 

A monkey with no sense of religious propriety was recently spotted stealing offerings of food that had been laid out on a shrine on Laem Pujao Mountain. This is believed to be the first time a primate has been caught stealing food from a religious site since a funeral in Ireland in 1999 when the Archbishop of Canterbury was spotted on CCTV blagging a pork pie and a bottle of brown ale from the top of Oliver Reed’s coffin.

 

Police were called to a beach in Naklua after an elephant went berserk and attacked a local woman. She was apparently giving food to the elephant when it unexpectedly gave her a good going over. It was an hour before the elephant’s master was able to calm it down, after which he was taken away by the police. He claimed the elephant became agitated because its food was late and not as ordered. The police said that there was no excuse for violence as this was standard practice in most Pattaya restaurants. They then impounded the elephant and charged its master with “being a complete bastard”.

 

We’re sure the botanists among you will be able to identify this tree on Beach Road. A pussy willow perhaps?

 

 

A team of veterinarians recently paid a visit to Nong Nooch Tropical Gardens to check out the establishment’s large collection of rabbits for any signs of disease. Good idea. You just can’t get the little buggers to use condoms.

 

A woman was arrested outside Naklua Market last weekend after reports that she had stolen a gas cooker. Must have made one hell of a bulge under her coat.

 

Finally, a drunken German molesting a girl near Soi Yamoto in the early hours of the other morning had a shock when he was attacked by a ladyboy brandishing a beach umbrella. So he started off arseholed and ended up parasoled.

 

be seeing you

monkeyman

[nohlsson1 19]

Thanks for update of what is truly going on in Pattaya monkeyman.

[kimchikid 0]

great job

 

always intertaining

[Cleiven 2]

Must be something about observation and a way with words - exellent

Edited April 19, 2008 by Cleiven