A few I found funny

[sinbinjack 243]

These quotes were taken from actual Federal (US) employee performance evaluations...

 

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

 

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity"

 

"I would not allow this employee to breed"

 

"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be"

 

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap"

 

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet"

 

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle"

 

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy"

 

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them"

 

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot"

 

"This employee should go far, and the sooner the better"

 

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together"

 

"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus"

 

"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless"

 

"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier"

 

"I would like to go hunting with him sometime"

 

"He's been working with glue too much"

 

"He would argue with a signpost"

 

"He has knack for making strangers immediately"

 

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room"

 

"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell"

 

"If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one"

 

"A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens"

 

"A prime candidate for natural deselection"

 

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it"

 

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming"

 

"Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it"

 

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week"

 

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change"

 

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean"

 

"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm"

 

"One neuron short of a synapse"

 

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled"

 

"Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes"

 

"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"

 

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Little Johnny came downstairs bellowing lustily. His mother asked, "What's the matter now?" "Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with a hammer," said Johnny through his tears. "That's not so serious," soothed his mother. "I know you're upset, but a big boy like you shouldn't cry at something like that. Why didn't you just laugh?" "I did!" sobbed Johnny.

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A jewish family in Germany was looking for a home for their paternal grandfather so they left him in a retirement home regardless of their possible intolerance toward jews.

 

One day the father visited the retirement home and asked his father: "Dad are you being treated nicely here?"

 

The grandfather answered: "Son we all feel so young, there's a retired musician who hasn't played for 20 years but we all call him mystro, there's a retired teacher here who hasn't taught for 20 years but we all call him schuler and I haven't been with a woman ever since your mother died but they still call me a fucking jew."

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an old man hobbles into the confessional. The priest slides open the

panel and the old man says, 'I'm 84 years old. I just picked up two

teenaged girls hitchhiking, took them to a motel room, and made love

to both of them. Twice.'

 

The priest says, 'Well, are you sorry for your sins?'

 

'What sins?' says the old man.

 

'What sins???' remarks the priest incredulously, 'What kind of

Catholic are you?'

 

'I'm not Catholic. I'm Jewish,' says the old man.

'Well then, why are you telling ME all this?' asks the priest.

 

'I'm telling EVERYONE.' says the old man.

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer.

 

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?"

 

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!"

 

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

 

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

 

Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not

 

able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

 

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

 

The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"

 

The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know - you left your Injun running..."

-------------------------------------------Tickle Me Elmo:

 

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

 

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

 

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

 

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

 

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

 

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

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