Where have I been

[shamasdog 1]

Thought y'all should read this in case you're

wondering why I haven’t posted for a few weeks.

 

I live in the country and have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard. A few weeks ago burglaries stated so to make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

 

Being the guy I am, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor

Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8

ft. long solid copper ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the

ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you

have in the ground, the better the fence works.

 

Two weeks ago I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo

Walmart 6hp big wheel push mower. I notice the hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I holler to Mikey the nose to unplug the fence. He waves back as I pushed the mower around the wire and

reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. In an instant I knew something was terribly wrong.

 

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running

lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt

fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about

the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside

down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first

Sensation I had wazzzz my balls trying to climb up the front side

of my body. My ears curled downwards and my knees buckled. I remember seeing my elbow hit the top of the spark plug and could feel the lawnmower ignition firing all through my body.

 

Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could

feel the spark in my head, face, teeth, eyes, ears, heart, torso, balls bung hole ,legs and spine. I was literally at one with the

engine.

 

It seems as though the fence charger and the POSSESED

lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical

impulses.

 

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and pop a nut at the same

time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at

once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were

minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was

like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy loping before you rev it up.

 

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I’m now wet from the balls to the ground with piss which give the electricity a superconductor route. I popped a nut that blew my zipper open and actually left a trail of smoke behind it. I’ve got a wad of crap cooking around my bung hold and my balls are acting like jumping jacks. All at the same time.

 

I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but

Dad always had those chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the perma damp Green river bottom soil. At this point I'm sure I’m going to die and my friends will all wonder was I taking a crap, a piss or jacking off when the fence got me. But I have a glimmer of hope, I might outlive the lawnmower, hoping it runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has

settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some

kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee,

jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God

please just die... pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles

into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there,

like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go

command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of November standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

 

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the

wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours

later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on

in the day and I could smell burnt flesh and hair and stinking grass and leaves. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let

go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced

sleep Irealized a few things :

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted and discolored.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my

right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do

no smell as bad as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now.

Seriously!

I think our little session cleared out some carbon

fouling

or something, because it was better than new after

that.

7- My balls are larger now and feel like popcorn.

8- When I fart the entertainment center goes nuts.

9 - Ginger came by and we fooled around, she gave me a bbbj, I popped off and my electric meter spun like a top. Try explaining that to the lady at the REC (Rural Electric Cooperative) on why your bill should be examined.

10- My piss has a neon glow to it, I don’t have to wait till it snows to write my name in the lawn.

 

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect

for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always

triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged

before I get close to it.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come

over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security

system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy

feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I go out in the backyard.

[Ergodyne 19]

That'll sort 'em out !

Take no prisoners.

Highly courageous of you to personally test the system

[sinbinjack 244]

One of he funniest things I have ever read.

[DOLPHIN777 0]

I wet myself as well, funniest thing i have read in a long time.