CREDIT CRUNCH TIPS!

[sinbinjack 244]

CREDIT CRUNCH TIPS!!!!

 

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

 

HOMEOWNERS: Prevent burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed.

In the morning, simply move it all back again.

 

SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y.

 

DON'T waste money buying expensive binoculars; simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

 

AN empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. Not sure how to make contented wasps angry? - just put some into an empty cigar tube and you'll know.

 

SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.

 

HOUSEWIVES, the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

 

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books, simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

 

SAVE on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly against the wall.

 

SAVE a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam, they will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.

 

OLD people, if you feel cold indoors this winter, simply pop outside for ten minutes without a coat, when you go back inside you will really feel the benefit.

 

CAN'T afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film and press them into your eyes.

 

WHY pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips from the freezer and try piecing together potatoes.

 

MIX tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto!

Toffee.

 

MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.

 

SHOPPERS, when buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed.

 

WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't care less anyway and you could use the saved energy to Hoover the house afterwards.

 

 

And a few more...

 

Save the price of a visit to a public swimming pool,

by recreating the experience in your own

home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of

bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

 

AVOID over ordering milk by placing your fridge on the

pavement just outside your gate. The milkman can then check

your day-to-day requirement for himself.

 

SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably

passers-by will think you've broken down and help.

 

SAVE money on doorbell batteries by removing them and simply

popping to the door every two minutes to see if anyone is

there.

 

DON'T fork out on expensive smoke alarms. simply fill balloons

with water and hang them from the ceiling. Then cover the floor

with air-filled balloons, each with a drawing pin stuck to the

top. In the event of a fire the temperature will cause the air-

filled balloons to rise up from the floor, and the pins will

burst the water-filled balloons, thus extinguishing the fire.

Probably.

 

EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper

alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.

 

Dont buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and

slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

 

Exterior wood stain is a fast, long-lasting and attractive

alternative to expensive sun-bed treatments.

[Montydog 135]

Someone’s been reading Viz