SCOUSE JOKES

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SCOUSERS VISIT THE MOON

Edited July 28, 2010 by APOLLO

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SCOUSE FLAT SCREEN TV

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SCOUSER TRYING TO NICK A BIKE

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JOHN LENN0N AIRPORT

Edited July 28, 2010 by APOLLO

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A NICE SLIDE FOR SCOUSE KIDS

DESIGNED IN MANCHESTER

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A SCOUSE MOUSE

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SCOUSES OFF TO BENIDORM

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THE WIRRAL, THE POSH AREA OF LIVERPOOL

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MONOPOLY

LIVERPOOL EDITION

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A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to

the Counter and said; 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.

 

The man behind the counter replied; 'Your timing is amazing. We've

just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/

bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive

around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The

hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to

escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The salary package

is 200,000 a year'.

 

The Scouser said 'You're bullsh*tting me!'

 

The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!

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A scouser walks into a clothes shop and says

"I would like to buy a pair of stockings for my wife".

"certainly sir" says the lady behind the counter,

WHAT IS YOUR HEAD SIZE .

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I saw a bumper sticker on a car yesterday that said,

"I Miss Liverpool."

 

So I smashed the window and stole the radio,

nicked the wheels and left it on bricks

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A Liverpool fan walks past a shop and sees the video

"Liverpool - The Glory Years".

He goes into the shop and asks how much.

"£100" says the shopkeeper.

"That's a bit steep, how come it's so dear?"

"Well its a tenner for the video and

£90 for the Betamax recorder!

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A scouse girl asked her doctor

if it was ok to drink Lager

while she was pregnant.

no, said the doctor

YOU,RE ONLY 12yrs old

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Carlsberg don't do shit football teams.

They just sponser them!

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Met a scouser in

Manchester last night

he was pissed as a rat.

what you celebrating i asked.

i,ve just finished a jigsaw puzzle in 45 days.

there,s nothing clever about that, you scouse ****.

but it says 3 - 6 yrs on the box.

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Police closed off a road in Liverpool when a suspicious item was spotted in a parked car..but the all clear was given when it was found to be a tax disc.

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A SCOUSER , A JEW & INDIAN ALL GO CAMPING FOR A WEEK .

THE FIRST NIGHT THEY DISCOVER A HOLE IN THEIR TENT

AND IT'S THROWING IT DOWN.

THE SCOUSER SAY "AY AY THIS IS CRAP ,

WI GUNNA GIT SOAKED ". THE INDIAN SAYS

" I THINK WE PASSED A FARM ABOUT 1/2 A MILE BACK,

WE COULD TRY TO STAY THERE AND GET THE TENT FIXED TOMORROW"

. SO THEY GO BACK TO THE FARM AND EXPLAIN THEIR PREDICAMENT TO THE FARMER.

HE SAYS " I HAVE ONLY 2 SPARE BEDS SO ONE OF YOU WILL HAVE TO SLEEP IN THE BARN .

NO PROBLEM SAYS THE JEW I'LL SLEEP THERE .

SO THE FARMER SHOWS THE OTHER 2 THEIR ROOMS .

5 MINS LATER THERE'S A KNOCK ON THE DOOR .

THE FARMER OPENS IT AND THE JEW IS STOOD THERE . I CAN'T SLEEP IN THE BARN ,

THERE'S A PIG IN THERE , AND I CAN'T SLEEP WITH A PIG.

SO THE FARMER TELLS THE OTHER 2 AND THE INDIAN SWOPS PLACES WITH THE JEW .

5 MINS LATER THERE'S A KNOCK ON THE DOOR .

THE FARMER OPENS IT AND THE INDIAN IS STOOD THERE

. I CAN,T SLEEP IN THE BARN THERE'S A COW IN THERE

AND I CAN.T SLEEP WITH A COW THEY ARE SACRED .

SO HE SWAPS PLACES WITH THE SCOUSER .

5 MINS LATER THERE A KNOCK ON THE DOOR .

THE FARMER OPENS IT AND THERE'S A PIG AND A COW STOOD THERE

Edited July 28, 2010 by APOLLO

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A man was walking down a street in the centre of Manchester and saw a Rotweiler attacking an old lady. He immediately ran over to the dog and started to struggle in which he sustained many bites, but he eventually he got his hands around the dog's neck and strangled it until it was dead. A passing reporter commented: that was fucking fantastic how you saved that old dears life!, I have to write a story about this, how about the headline - Manchester United fan saves granny's life?, "i'm not a Utd fan" replied the bloke. "well how about Man City fan saves granny's life"? said the reporter. "I'm not a City fan either" siad our hero, " I'm from Liverpool". "Never mind I know just the headline, you read the paper tomorrow" said the reporter. The man picks up the paper the following day to read the headline - SCOUSE BASTARD KILLS FAMILY PET!!

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a primary school teacher explains to her class that she is a liverpool fan. she asks her students to raise their hands if they too are liverpool fans. everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

 

the teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

 

"because i'm not a liverpool fan," she replied.

 

the teacher, still shocked, asked, "well, if you are not a liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?"

 

"i am a man united fan, and proud of it," mary replied.

 

the teacher could not believe her ears. "mary, why, pray tell, are you a man united fan?"

 

"because my mum is a man united fan, and my dad is a man united fan, so i'm a man united fan too!"

 

"well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a man united fan. you don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. what if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?"

 

"then," mary smiled, "i'd be a liverpool fan."

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an australian, an irishman and a scouser are in a bar in birkenhead. they're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. he's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. they stare and stare, until suddenly the irishman twigs: "my god, it's jesus!"

 

sure enough, it is jesus, nursing a pint. thrilled, they send him over a pint of guinness, a pint of fosters and a pint of bitter.

 

jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. after he's finished the drinks, jesus approaches the trio.

 

he reaches for the hand of the irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the guinness. when he lets go, the irishman gives a cry of amazement: "my god! the arthritis i've had for 30 years is gone. it's a miracle!"

 

jesus then shakes the aussies hand, thanking him for the lager. as he lets go, the mans eyes widen in shock. "strewth mate, the bad back i've had all my life is completely gone! it's a miracle."

 

jesus then approaches the scouser who says, "back off, mate, i'm on disability benefit."

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WINDOW CLEANER WANTED

IN TOXTETH , LIVERPOOL

GOOD RATES OF PAY

MUST HAVE IS OWN SANDER

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WHY DOES THE RIVER MERSEY RUN THROUGH LIVERPOOL?

SO IT DOES'NT GET MUGGED

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WHAT'S SPERM & SCOUSERS GOT IN COMMON ? THERE'S MILLIONS OF THEM

BUT ONLY 1 ACTUALLY WORKS

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A scouse bird goes to the council to register for child benefit.

"How many children do you have?" asks the council worker.

"Six," replies the scouse bird

"SIX!?" exclaimed the council worker, "What are their names?"

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, and Wayne."

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the scouse bird, "it's great because if they are out playing in the street

I just have to shout 'WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY', or' WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW' and they all do it."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?", asked the incredulous council worker.

"That's easy," replied the scouse bird, "I just use their surnames."